Stuck between parents and DH

Controlling !!!!! Trying to cut you off from your family with threats of them or him! Your family sound fine. Watch him though !

Whether it was a male or a female posting no one should be re-evaluating their marriage because of their in-laws unless they were actually abusive. From reading OPs comments there doesn't appear to be any evidence of her parents being cruel or malicious. It seems to be more of a difference in personality which is fine, we can't all get along all the time. What isn't fine is that OP's partner seems to be making OP choose between them. He's somehow making her feel guilty or ashamed about the way she was brought up. To blame the siblings divorces on the parents is extreme and unfounded but it suits his narrative. We are of course only getting one perspective here but it doesn't sound like OP's partner is willing to compromise whereas OP gives everyone a fair chance and makes an effort with her in-laws.

First thing I do when I get to my mum’s, is let myself in with my own key, flick the kettle on, go for a wee, and then have a good rummage in the cupboards for the nice biscuits.
I also have keys to both my sisters houses and they all have keys to mine. I don’t think we’ve ever ‘invited’ each other to our homes.
Your husband and his family sound weird.
If my husband threatened to leave me because my family were too informal, I’d tell him to go.

Sorry op for you to be in this position- however personally I don’t like the sound of your DH - if he really cared/loved you he would tolerate your parents but he just wants to be shut of them. Don’t have kids with him cause I really think you need to question your relationship with him.

Your husband is behaving like a total knob; who the hell does he think he is ? He cohesively controlling you; by making you think he’s thinking of ending your marriage because of your parents; I’d call his bluff pack his bags leave them by the front door & tell him you’ve decided your fed up with his threats; your parents don’t pressurise you so your going to pick them over him blood is thicker than water & all that 😂😂😂 then watch him shit himself when the reality of having to move home to his parents dawns on him he will soon back down 😂😂😂

Reading this, I think it’s your DH who has the issues. Rather use a public loo than his in-laws. How weird!

He has a huge inferiority complex, and instead of recognising that it's his problem, he's deflecting it onto you.

I'd have some sympathy for him if his behaviour wasn't so abhorrent.

It sounds like the family stuff is just different people making different choices.
What is very worrying is that your DH seems to think that ending you marriage is a reasonable response to (check notes) being permitted to use a family member's toilet and making himself a cup of tea.
He sounds like a nightmare, although his parents sound OK if a little peculiar.

He doesn’t HAVE to have a relationship with them. Is it an option for you to respect his wishes and agree to see them without him, and still carry on happily together?
It works for us. I don’t like my ILs (and I totally agree that life’s too short to spend it with people you cant stand). DH is happy to see them but respects my decision not to join him.
I don’t know what yours actually do. Mine are homophobic, judgemental bible bashers and I ain’t got no time for that!

He worries you might walk into your DD's house and make a cup of tea. He sounds insane. It's perfectly normal to get yourself a drink. Don't push your parents away, by telling them they can't even make themselves a drink in your home, just to please your DH. If you stop your parents making a drink you will be being rude to them. They must really dislike your dh because of his weird controlling behaviour. I'd be so upset if my SiL told my DD to tell me I couldn't make a drink in their home. When your DD leaves home he's basically saying she won't be able to use your toilet anymore. That's just nuts and so rude and controlling. Your own DD will feel unwanted and excluded. How would you feel about that? You might lose your relationship with your DD because of your batshit DH.

I'd be interested in airing his views in front of his parents... I suspect his own mum would be horrified at her sons hostility.

I think your family sound far more normal than his. Don't let him make you think you or they are the problem. It sounds like he's controlling and wants you to see less of your family? Or sounds like he wants to use your family as a reason to leave?
I had an es that was rude about my family and.in the end I saw less of them. How wrong was that.. it's only in time you see how odd they are and not you and your family.

I don’t quite understand why so many people think YANBU. Crazy.
I don’t get the issue? It seems to be a lot of fuss about people just being different to one another 🤷🏻‍♀️
Your dh needs to get over himself, and YABU for not seeing that.

I think your parents sound normal but I would be annoyed if they forgot DC birthdays. Your DH sounds weird. He won't use the toilet in his own parents house. That is bizarre. He gets annoyed if your Mum makes a cup of tea in your home. Again he sounds controlling to the extreme. When I go to my DD's house I not only make a cup of tea I often cook her a batch of cakes and a fish pie or a lasagne for dinner and often something for the freezer too. She finishes work at 4pm then collects DC from school. When I visit my DD I arrived at her house at 2pm and cook them all dinner and cakes. Your DH would have a heart attack if I was his MiL. My SiL is always delighted if I've cooked for them. Your DH behaviour is not normal and really he needs therapy to learn what normal behaviour looks like. Your Mum sounds lovely. Could your DH be trying to isolate you from your parents?

He's thinking of breaking your marriage up because both sets of parents seem a bit batshit? I'd be helping him pack, tbh..

He's the odd one and he sounds horrible.

He's trying to cut you off from your family. What a horrible man (and what a strange family he is from).

He needs therapy. The fact he would leave you because he feels overwhelmed by your family but can't provide any valid examples. Shows he is unable to cope with his emotions. Don't take a step back from your family. He needs help but first, you both need to acknowledge this.

I am sorry but this sounds like a bunch of bullshit excuses on his part. Especially if your family has been respecting his boundaries in his home after you asked.
I mean, come on. His issue is that he has to get his own food and drink from a communal space when he goes over to see family? He can't piss in his mother's home? Using your mother's toilet is off limits, but public toilets are ok?
I think one of his parents, possibly his mother reacted to poverty by being overly formal, overly clean, extremely fussy, and polite to the point of rudeness. As in all the polite "rules" have to be followed no matter what instead being truly polite which is to adapt to your guests and to the place you are invited to.
But even then. Even with being brought up different, this still seems like a 100% bullshit excuse on his part. What is the real reason?
Also, if a MF wants to leave, let the effer leave. Let him give his asinine reasons in court. Maybe he doesn't even want to split and is just trying to force you and your family into being how he wants people to behave instead of how they really are.
I have not heard one rude thing except them getting their own stuff at your house which it seems like they stopped when asked. Everything else is just made up in his own head. Millions of people go to their in laws and extended family and just get drinks and food. And what is really getting me is that he even found fault when drinks were put out pointed out as being for guests and he still expected to be served. Like, I get growing up a certain way and having a bit of culture shock, but has he truly been to so few peoples homes that your family is the first one to be like this in front of him?
I can get finding it a bit rude to not be offered food and drink when you go somewhere especially if you were raised different, but to end a marriage and family because of that?
I don't think so. that is insane. Either there is another reason, or he needs serious help.

There isn't really a wrong or right in the way each family hosts people (except making people feel like they can't use your toilet is not okay) - but most people reach middle age recognising that there are lots of ways to live and are able to be tolerant and flexible for short periods when visiting or being visited. Your husband has a problem, I think, if he can't be tolerant and flexible in this way.

I have a formal diagnosis of OCD. I don't ask guests to clean the toilet after they've visited, but I admit that I clean it after they've gone... I figure it doesn't do any harm if they don't know about it.

I think you're being a bit facetious re: the cake.

OP hasn't suggested they never use plates at her parents but it's clear what the difference is - cake in her family (as per most families) would be a 'normal' cake from the supermarket, anyone who wants it helps themselves as and when, puts in on a normal plate (i.e. just a regular side plate that is used for any small dishes) and then either stands around eating it with their fingers while chatting or sits wherever there's room (around the kitchen table, wandering into the garden), etc.

MIL house - a 'fancy' special cake, served on specific small cake plates with doilies, small cake forks, she cuts slices and hands them out together with tea etc and everyone goes into the sitting room and sits down together to eat their cake and drink their tea at the same time.

Neither 'wrong' but just different ways of doing things. But the crux here is OP is happy to have cake either way, her DH thinks any way other than his mother's is incredibly rude.

Misses the point but How the bloody hell did you end up together long enough to get married and have children if you were so incompatible with each other's upbringing and norms.

I think an impartial bystanders post would be.
I have two friends who are a couple. They had very different upbringings both socially and financially. Both parents homes are still very different.
One of the couple, sees the differences, accepts them and can appreciate the positives in each
The other sees the differences, and cannot accept the other has any positives, believes the way he was brought up was the right and only way. Anything else is rudeness.

Based.on op I was gonna say I'm in sinoalr situation. Trying to navigate my love for my family and my partners dislike for them. But then I read your updates. It doesn't seem like there is much of a conflict. I don't agree with his stance of not having to tolerate people. It sounds like he could be more understanding that families are different with different styles. But also your family could do with some boundaries with the showing up unannounced. But there is room for compromise here.

It sounds like the mom has OCD tendencies (like wanting guests to wipe the toilet after each use) and that had been normalized by her husband. For whatever reason, it hasn't registered that other people do things differently, or that there are different types of get togethers. Or it has, but everyone else is just rude and wrong.