”my dH and his family are very close. So much so that they all have keys to each other’s houses and pop in whenever they want. And here’s where I struggle. ILs frequently just pop over, let themselves into our house and help themselves to food and drink. When we go over we’re expected to do the same, they don’t entertain at all, and they have no relationship with the DC. The DC just play on their own or they watch television over there. My parents on the other hand have a lovely relationship with the DC and the DC love going over there. I’ve tried talking to DH about it but says that our families are just different.”
Leaving the toilet thing aside here for a moment, if a woman posted here that her MIL let herself into er house, helped herself to food and drink and never engaged with the DC posters would be telling her to set some boundaries, that the MIL was being intrusive and to not stand for it, oh, and to demand her key back.
There are absolutely questions to be asked around the DH’s family as well, but there does need to be middle ground here.
There’s close and then there’s suffocating. My family are close. We all have keys to one another’s houses, and if we wanted a cup of tea we would be welcome to make one. But when visiting the expectation is that you are visiting them, and vice versa. That you would expect to tell them at least that you were coming round, and that you would knock the door if they were home and certainly not just let yourself i and head straight out to the kitchen. Because you would expect to offer (in your house) or be offered (in theirs) a cup of tea.
Hisfamily sound rigid, but your family on the hand sound like they’re living in a commune.
I wouldn’t put up with that either.