Stuck between parents and DH

I agree you need something in between.

I wouldn’t call your parents the loving ones if they can’t be bothered buying presents, have become selfish and don’t really interact with their grandchildren. His mum sounds better in this way (nice that she plays with her grandchildren etc).

But his mums rules are very very strange, you can’t go to the toilet / make a drink.

It’s going to be hard to change them if theve always been this way. I think you just need to tolerate each others families and accept each has their good / bad points.

I can't really make head nor tail of this.

The not being able to use the toilet is one of the most bizarre things I've ever heard. Also quite normal imo to be able to make a drink in your families house.

Are you letting yourselves into your parent's house or are they letting themselves into yours too? I personally couldn't stand my in laws letting themselves into my house unexpectedly but I'm sure I'd be fine with my grown up kids doing so.

It's interesting that your children prefer going to his mums and that you say your parents forget their birthdays.

I feel as though there's a lot more to this.

I can’t get over not using the toilet in his parent’s house. One of the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. Did this come about as soon as he moved out of the home? His family have serious issues.
Your parents seem to have their faults but nothing serious.
I would be telling him he cannot and will not influence your relationship with your family.
If he doesn’t like it he can sod off.

I can neither agree or disagree with you.

Some stuff sounds batshit - like not being able to use the toilet at his parents house but other things are just manners!

I HATE people dropping in unannounced and when people do visit, I always offer to make tea/drinks. I remember once when my DH parents visited and went through my snack cupboard and ate the chocolates I’d be saving for myself as a treat. That’s just the height of rudeness to me and pissed me off no end. I always ask at my mum and dad’s house “is it alright if I have a biscuit/a coke/a cup of tea etc” they’ll never say no but it’s just polite manners to ask (that said, my nearly 3yo has no qualms about opening the fridge and demanding a yoghurt at their house 🤣). Also sometimes my mum says she’ll make a cuppa and I’ll tell her to sit down and I’ll make it for her. It’s just the way I’ve been raised and my parents couldn’t love me, or my children more.

This is absolutely mad. I’d be horrified if my family didn’t feel comfortable in my home or like they couldn’t just pop in anytime. I have a key to my parents home and both my parents and inlaws have a key to ours. I understand not helping yourself in a friend or acquaintances house but family?? Completely different. I’d find his family cold and aloof for their invite only visits and doilies. My DP were here for the weekend and my mum would empty the dishwasher, make a cuppa. There have been times they’ve visited in the summer and my dad has cut the grass! My DP works long hours and my dad likes to help/ be busy so he cut the grass while DP was at work. DP was delighted as he was planning to do it at the weekend and he hates it so saved him the bother!
Your parents grandparenting is far more of a problem than letting their family feel comfortable in their home. The fact they show no interest in your children and don’t bother with birthdays, Christmas or interact with them is cold but that doesn’t seem to be your DHs concern. He sounds insecure.

OP, there are very very few situations where you should allow another person to influence your relationship with your family. If your family are extremely hostile to him, insulting, display isms towards him; if their presence in his life is both negative and overly frequent so a reasonable person would consider it intrusive; and/or if they are harmful to you and your partner is trying to protect you.
Nothing you have described here indicates anything more than a clash of personality and lifestyle, and if your husband cared for you he would accept the minor inconvenience of that for your sake. Instead he appears to be a controlling entitled person who expects everyone to live in accordance with his ways as the 'right ones'.
I'd strongly recommend you do not give in to his ultimatums. Keep them as separate as you can, but don't distance yourself on his command. Because after he's got rid of your family he will have free rein to mould you and the children into his image (and he has been raised in a very atypical way and will be the product of that) and you won't have the support to resist.

100% agree.

Sorry OP, and I am saying this in a jokey way, but are you sure your siblings partners didn’t leave because of their weird BiL?

Your family sound normal to me. Apart from the grandchildren’s birthdays, they are certainly the same as my family and every family I know. My MiL was more formal, and I found it difficult to feel at home there, I always felt like the neighbour in Keeping Up Appearances.

In what weird universe do you not use the toilet in someone’s house?

Your husband sounds horrible and controlling. I don’t believe his issue is really with your parents’ manner - it’s something he’s using to punish and control you.

I cant get over that HIS mum uses doilies on china plates - but YOUR parents are the posh ones according to your H 😂

Are you living in "topsy turvy" world?

Now, if only OP said her parents pop right in whenever they want. But, OP never said any such thing, unless I missed it and I did read all of OPs posts, thrice in fact.

So, well done for a piece of fiction that has little basis in truth.

I think you've got the wrong end of the stick with this. The DH seems to be trying to put his wife "in her place" so she cannot seek the support of her loving parents when needed. The DH wants total control which he feels he can't have in the current scenario. The op's parents have not done anything monstrous to the DH. I think the "whataboutery" you're describing is misguided in this particular case. To say the op brought herself up just sounds silly to me.

allow my parents to use our bathroom but DH will not use his mums bathroom as he was brought up to use public conveniences instead of using toilets in relatives houses.

• that is one of the strangest things I’ve read-if you are at their house you have to go out to a public toilet rather than use theirs?

I absolutely cannot tolerate people dropping round unannounced, but even I don't bat an eyelid at my adult kids doing it. Jesus, what's family worth if you have to wait to be summoned? As for not using the loo... utterly bizarre. It sounds like your DH's parents are insecure about their social status and play-acting at being posh. They are the cold ones, and your DH is projecting.

Apart from the toilet I don't think there's a right or wrong tbh.

My MIL has always "hosted" us iyswim.

But when my husband visits alone & stays over he pitches in a lot more.

When we visited for weekends together we would always stay at my parents so it was easier to pitch in there.

We've always been too far away for just turning up & had never had keys on either side until parents were older.

I voted immediately that you’re not unreasonable, then read your updates first paragraph or two, and changed. They sound self absorbed and they don’t engage with your family other than on their terms.

no wonder your husband feels like he does.

I allow my parents to use our bathroom but DH will not use his mums bathroom as he was brought up to use public conveniences instead of using toilets in relatives houses. He has never used the toilet in his mums house or made a drink - to me this is odd.

That's enough mumsnet for today....

Not if your husband is being batshit though. Then you are pandering to whims.

The OP said her and her siblings had keys to her parents' house. Not that the parents were letting themselves into hers.

Your husband sounds rigid and your parents sound a bit thoughtless on the grandchildren front. But only one of those is threatening you with withdrawal of a relationship

You’ve got to choose your marriage (if you want a marriage). In our house, our marriage comes first. I speak from your DH’s perspective, as I very much appreciate being chosen over the in-laws. Move on, you’re not a child anymore, prioritise your own nuclear family, not the one you came from. IMHO.

Unfortunately it definitely sounds like it's down to jealousy. I just can't see a wife or female partner reacting this way. The DH sounds like he wants ultimate control and feels like he can't with his wife's parents having the means to back his wife up when he behaves badly.

Leaving the odd loo thing aside , on the face of it his family sound a bit Hyacinth Bouquet however , children are often very honest and inciteful and the fact that your dc prefer your dh family says to me that there is more to this situation .

my family is big , overwhelming possibly , someone is always talking about or playing music as we have lots of musicians in the family and my parents also had active professional lives into their seventies etc and I know my dh found it baffling on occasion . But our children are still cherished and remembered and included. I could make myself a cup of tea but they would always offer, my SM would be horrified that someone wasn’t offered and felt they had to make their own ! My SM would never for example cook something that her SILs or DILs didn’t like and in fact would always make a bit of a fuss of them so that they felt valued and welcomed as part of the family .

it is possible to be both relaxed but welcoming and also a good and considerate hosts . To be honest your parents do sound as if they might be just a little bit superior and self centred.

It almost sounds as if OP's NVDH is "looking for a reason" to walk away from his marriage. He is WAY too insistent on this "ruining his life" crap.

I'd be waving "bye-bye" and lock the door behind him.

I also think he has an inferiority complex going on and is insecure about his own childhood and growing up with less than your family. So is trying to make you feel insecure wrt to yours. He's also hinting at leaving you if you don't fall in line. Very very manipulative

The only thing I find odd is that he can’t adjust his views. He is so set that his way is ‘right’. You seem to be flexible and have insight to how your own family and others are different (my family have a term for this as we always say how your own brand of weird is normal),he lacks that.

Perhaps some therapy might help you both navigate this.

He's being monstrously unfair. What about in your own home, OP? Does he insist your kids ask for snacks, TV, does he have very formal routines?