Page 13 | Stuck between parents and DH

clawcliphurts · 2024-04-06T19:50:52+00:00

My DH doesn't get on with my parents, they don't really particularly like him either. I am stuck in the middle as I love my parents even though they can be awkward and love my DH. I am tolerant of people and I can honestly tolerate most people - he says life is too short to "only tolerate people". So I am now presuming the only way forward is to see them without him being involved. He can't understand why I can't see how cold and rude they are- I find them very loving and I have never known any different. He was brought up in a very different way and I find his family so het up and formal but I don't begrudge spending time or seeing them. Both my siblings got divorced last year and my DH is convinced its because of the in laws. He says he should have ran years ago when he first met them. I' ve told him I won't choose and he needs to be more tolerant - he says life is too short to "just be tolerant" and that he can't have them hanging over him for the rest of his life- I asked what he meant and he basically said "he needs to seriously re-evalaute our relationship" so I said what because of them and he said "totally" - they are ruining his life. AIBU? They have never done anything personally to him they are just very very different people.

CrispieCake · 07/04/2024 10:49

Whatever the reasons, your husband sounds like a right pain in the arse. Can't stand people who expect others (mostly women) to wait on them hand and foot. He wouldn't be welcome at any party of mine.

I feel sorry for you because men tend to get grumpier and more set in their ways as they age, so god only knows what you'll be dealing with in 15 years time. It sounds like fun has well and truly left the building and it's downhill from here with him.

NOTANUM · 07/04/2024 10:49

1AngelicFruitCake · 07/04/2024 10:45

Some grandparents are very focused on the children, others aren’t and I do think your parents sound selfish. His mum sounds odd in her behaviour but generous in her own way.

I think some grandparents set up a warm central spot for everyone to mingle - door always open, food in fridge, help yourself to drinks - and others focus on the entertainment. Neither is right or wrong really.

@clawcliphurts how is your DH with your kids’ friends or with your friends? Is it a very formal stifled interaction?

almostspring2024 · 07/04/2024 10:48

This sounds like inverted snobbery.
I haven't seen doilies for many years, I can recall my now very elderly DM saying they were 'common' when I asked as a child what they were.
This sounds like such a huge cultural and class difference that it wouldn't be surprising if the marriage couldn't last long term OP.
Don't like the sound of your DH tbh

Nanaof1 · 07/04/2024 10:48

splashofcolour · 07/04/2024 10:40

@IAmThe1AndOnly

On no I'm wrong, she does say that!! Honest apologies

@Nanaof1

Actually, she says that has stopped. That they don't just pop over any longer.

@clawcliphurts my parents have never invited us we just of turn up as and when and they used to do this to us which he really really hated (this has been stopped now).

wellthisislovely · 07/04/2024 10:48

Your family sounds normal and his sounds uptight. The poorer one is the snob.

You are poles apart and I don't see any way of meeting in the middle as you both think your upbringing is normal. I would suggest that he gets counselling to talk through his issues, but he won't if he thinks your family is the odd one.

I don't know how you got this far if he despises your family so much

CatherineofAmazon · 07/04/2024 10:46

Well done OP.
Don’t entertain his madness for a minute longer.

1AngelicFruitCake · 07/04/2024 10:45

Some grandparents are very focused on the children, others aren’t and I do think your parents sound selfish. His mum sounds odd in her behaviour but generous in her own way.

Mitsky · 07/04/2024 10:44

warmth and hosting is about people being comfortable in your house - which for me is being able to help myself, sit where I want, and I guess go to the toilet when I fancy!

Your husband is seriously misjudged in his views but that’s unsurprising based on the environment he’s grown up in.

Original poster

clawcliphurts · 07/04/2024 10:43

My parents are more financially well off move in highish social circles and eat out in expensive restaurants, they worked till their 70's in order to fund this lifestyle that they were used to and enjoyed. So in his eyes they are very very posh and snobby, and he hates the way they treat us all - with pure disrespect. (ie getting our own drinks, standing in the kitchen!) He says there is no warmth and love. His mum lives on a council estate and she has manners and follows etiquette and totally dotes on us when we visit but it is so stifling.

We have been married for 10 years and he is finding it harder and harder to deal with as time goes on. I am fed up of arguing about it so this morning I have told him he never has to visit my family again and if they come round (they now know to text or call) if he is home I will put them off or he can go out. I can't be bothered to argue about it anymore.

OP posts:

NOTANUM · 07/04/2024 10:43

For what it’s worth, my MIL sounded similar to your MIL but not as extreme. As the kids got older they didn’t want to play tea parties (which is what it is for them right now), quietly play board games and colouring, see the ducks or visit her old lady friends. They wanted to be normal kids: activities, shopping, tv, social media..
In fairness to my MIL she got with the new program as the kids got older. She ditched all the things above, modernised her house, will happily go to restaurants she would never visit before, texts for “gossip” - she is fantastic. All her grandkids love their modern nan now!
Is there a chance your MIL could be persuaded to modernise too?
Your DH has a fixed mindset on what is normal. I think that as your kids bring home friends to the house, this will explode.

splashofcolour · 07/04/2024 10:40

@IAmThe1AndOnly

On no I'm wrong, she does say that!! Honest apologies

@Nanaof1

Evilspiritgin · 07/04/2024 10:38

What is / was fil like? , your husband seems to have strict ideas on sex based jobs ie does he think only women should serve everyone

Dontsayyouloveme · 07/04/2024 10:38

He says he should have ran years ago when he first met them

Wtaf?? What is he saying here?! I’d tell him he’s quite happy to piss off now if he likes…. 🤬.

I agree, I think he’s looking for an excuse to leave…

ArcticOwl · 07/04/2024 10:36

Reading your last post OP, your MIL has some mental health issues that she has projected onto your DH's upbringing, and he needs to be made to realise his mothers OCD/Anxiety isn't normal, and nor is how she treated guests or behaved as visitors.

splashofcolour · 07/04/2024 10:31

@IAmThe1AndOnly

I agree with
@Nanaof1. It doesn't help if you start reading things that aren't there

Floppyelf · 07/04/2024 10:31

clawcliphurts · 07/04/2024 10:16

Me and the kids use the toilet in his mums house although we always have to ask and she insists we hope over with a wipe after use. She is very very house proud and she rarely leaves her house, you are not allowed to touch anything. She is a very anxious person and doesn't have many friends so her house is her pride and joy and when we visit she loves "playing host" although she doesn't always give us food and drink if she hasn't been able to get out due to her anxiety. When DH and his sister were little when they visited friends and family they were told it was rude to use someones elses toilet so always stopped off somewhere first. He still will not use toilets at peoples houses now! His sister realised when she went to friends houses as a teen that this was odd and now uses her mums toilet, but she doesn't visit often now as her 4 yr old is quite full on and she has gone completely the other way with her parenting very relaxed and informal so his mum thinks her grandson is a brat. He is 4. My kids when they were little loved sitting with her and playing games and doing craft but my nephew just likes to run around and she only has a tiny garden.

I like his mum she is very genuine and warm but very very stiff and formal, kids love her because everything is fancy and posh - sometimes we get food and drink sometimes we don't but if we do it is always a nice posh cake with little plates and forks and sat at the table. I have never stepped foot in her kitchen because that is her domain, she is always interested in everything because she does nothing herself and everything is all about them but my parents have a full and varied life when we see them we often end up talking about them and the latest cruise they have been on or play they have seen.

Kids like my family but they don't feel spoiled - it is just normal. Also MIL goes all out for their birthdays my parents but financially MIL is alot less able to spend the money on them whereas my parents are not short of money.

We have my niece's 18th in a couple of weeks - my sister is hosting and is open house - prosecco or champagne on the table beers in ice in a bucket buffet food on the table - it is a cop out to him because no one needs to host and it is rude and insolent to expect to get your own. It should be a sit down affair with my auntie my nieces mum pouring drinks and serving food and guests should not be expected to walk around or stand up. He as already said he won't be coming which is better for me as I can relax much more.

Erm his mum is insane and thus your dh has established some weird behavioural traits around being a guest. Your parents are normal. If you’re gonna divorce make sure you do before your parents die so he can’t get his hands on a inheritance of people he clearly dislikes

Comtesse · 07/04/2024 10:29

clawcliphurts · 06/04/2024 22:48

He thinks that my ex SIL and ex BIL found my parents informal ways hard to get their head round like he does and like him they never felt welcome because it is all fend for yourself and stand where you want. Ex BIL had several affairs so sister chucked him out EX SIL missed her family 200 miles away and her and my bro couldn't compromise so they went their separate ways

Show quote history

If this is real then his reaction is crazy! No one ever got divorced because of their in laws informal manners.

Is that it??? No closet racism? Rearranging your furniture? Alcoholism? They do sound like pretty hopeless grandparents but that’s about it.

He is being deeply deeply unreasonable.

Bruisername · 07/04/2024 10:25

I think you need to consider how you would feel living with his mum. Because that’s what is going to happen - he is going to be more and more like her when he ages. Are you happy for your daughters to feel they have to be invited? It all sounds so strange and he is very rigid if he can’t see that different people do things differently.

smartiecake · 07/04/2024 10:24

Your family sound totally normal OP, I don't see anything wrong with your behaviours.
Your H and his family are the ones with the problem. He is being very rude to them. This is definitely his problem. He is your problem sadly and I agree with others who say he is trying to alienate you from your family, don't let him do this.
He needs to accept the differences between your families 'norms' and welcome and accept your family for who they are just as you accept his.

Ceramic272 · 07/04/2024 10:24

clawcliphurts · 07/04/2024 10:16

Me and the kids use the toilet in his mums house although we always have to ask and she insists we hope over with a wipe after use. She is very very house proud and she rarely leaves her house, you are not allowed to touch anything. She is a very anxious person and doesn't have many friends so her house is her pride and joy and when we visit she loves "playing host" although she doesn't always give us food and drink if she hasn't been able to get out due to her anxiety. When DH and his sister were little when they visited friends and family they were told it was rude to use someones elses toilet so always stopped off somewhere first. He still will not use toilets at peoples houses now! His sister realised when she went to friends houses as a teen that this was odd and now uses her mums toilet, but she doesn't visit often now as her 4 yr old is quite full on and she has gone completely the other way with her parenting very relaxed and informal so his mum thinks her grandson is a brat. He is 4. My kids when they were little loved sitting with her and playing games and doing craft but my nephew just likes to run around and she only has a tiny garden.

I like his mum she is very genuine and warm but very very stiff and formal, kids love her because everything is fancy and posh - sometimes we get food and drink sometimes we don't but if we do it is always a nice posh cake with little plates and forks and sat at the table. I have never stepped foot in her kitchen because that is her domain, she is always interested in everything because she does nothing herself and everything is all about them but my parents have a full and varied life when we see them we often end up talking about them and the latest cruise they have been on or play they have seen.

Kids like my family but they don't feel spoiled - it is just normal. Also MIL goes all out for their birthdays my parents but financially MIL is alot less able to spend the money on them whereas my parents are not short of money.

We have my niece's 18th in a couple of weeks - my sister is hosting and is open house - prosecco or champagne on the table beers in ice in a bucket buffet food on the table - it is a cop out to him because no one needs to host and it is rude and insolent to expect to get your own. It should be a sit down affair with my auntie my nieces mum pouring drinks and serving food and guests should not be expected to walk around or stand up. He as already said he won't be coming which is better for me as I can relax much more.

The part about the nieces birthday.. just wow, I have no words. And how interesting that he expects the “aunties, nieces and mum” to do the serving…
Agree with PPs who said his family play acted at being (misogynistically) posh and he’s projecting all his issues onto you. Sounds awful

ArcticOwl · 07/04/2024 10:22

So, what you're saying here is that you have essentially let your husband and his ridiculous upbringing (seriously, who doesn't use the bathroom at a relatives house? thats insane) alienate your relationship with your parents to the point he's telling you that you either dump them, or he leaves?

It's not like your parents are doing anything wrong, he is being so unreasonable here. If he feels that strongly, tell him to pack his bags and get stuffed.

Changeusernameseeusernamehistory · 07/04/2024 10:21

clawcliphurts · 06/04/2024 22:01

I am not sure if it is some sort of jealousy - my parents were quite well off and as I child I got to experience lots of different things - his family struggled financially and he did very little as a child. My parents both worked until their early 70's so they still had money to enjoy a rich and varied life with lots of travel when they retired. He can't understand why anyone would want to work past 60. They are rubbish with the kids birthdays, they often don't bother to see them and at christmas I always end up buying gifts for them to give them because they just can't be bothered and I get that - they have become very selfish since retiring because they are so busy being busy.

I would say myself, my siblings and my parents have a relaxed relationship, - we all have to keys to our parents and we pop in if passing etc but his mum has to invite you to her house and neither him nor his sister have a key. If I visit my parents I will make a cup of tea- at his mums you have to sit and she will make a cup of tea sometimes but not always. At his mums the children aren't allowed to watch TV but kids just put it on at my parents He thinks I am rude in my parents house and the fact that I think it is ok for the kids to switch the TV on at their house. My mum has been known to make a drink at our house and to me that is normal and I have had to remind my mum more than once that it is my husbands house as well and he isn't happy with her doing that which she found hard to understand. I allow my parents to use our bathroom but DH will not use his mums bathroom as he was brought up to use public conveniences instead of using toilets in relatives houses. He has never used the toilet in his mums house or made a drink - to me this is odd.

I think the main problem is - his mum is too extreme in her formality and my parents are maybe too relaxed he feels uncomfortable.

I have quite a big family and there is always some event or other golden wedding, wedding, christening and he feels completely out of his comfort zone because I do have a big family and we do have big get togethers but I thought being relaxed with no airs and graces is much easier to be than stuffy and formal. His family is just his mum and his sister her H and their 4 yr old so very few family get togethers. I like his mum and sister and do find the formality of sitting in a chair and being waited on hand and foot very different to my family.

Actually now I have written this it has made me realise how overwhelming my family must be to him and maybe I need to take a step back.

I think you’re on to something that it is some sort of jealousy - his family is dysfunctional and yours seem warm and accepting of each other and, being in a similar set up myself, it is very uncomfortable. For me, seeing my partner’s family made me sad about my family of origin and to warm up to my DP’s. He won’t allow himself to see how dysfunctional his family is because then he needs to do something so, it’s easier to attack them as rude, weird, etc

Letsrunabath · 07/04/2024 10:18

Has his mother possibly got OCD, this is the only reason I can think of for the toilet issue.

Brefugee · 07/04/2024 10:17

Carry on as you are with your parents. But if he's there when they're at yuor house you'll probably have to ask them to not treat it as their own. If he's not there - carry on as before.

I would not bother taking him to your parents' any more, and frankly if i have to sit parched waiting for some woman with weird (to be) rules around guests, i would let him take the DCs to visit them without me.

As for how you are around your adult DCs? that is up to them, surely, not him.

Original poster

clawcliphurts · 07/04/2024 10:16

Me and the kids use the toilet in his mums house although we always have to ask and she insists we hope over with a wipe after use. She is very very house proud and she rarely leaves her house, you are not allowed to touch anything. She is a very anxious person and doesn't have many friends so her house is her pride and joy and when we visit she loves "playing host" although she doesn't always give us food and drink if she hasn't been able to get out due to her anxiety. When DH and his sister were little when they visited friends and family they were told it was rude to use someones elses toilet so always stopped off somewhere first. He still will not use toilets at peoples houses now! His sister realised when she went to friends houses as a teen that this was odd and now uses her mums toilet, but she doesn't visit often now as her 4 yr old is quite full on and she has gone completely the other way with her parenting very relaxed and informal so his mum thinks her grandson is a brat. He is 4. My kids when they were little loved sitting with her and playing games and doing craft but my nephew just likes to run around and she only has a tiny garden.

I like his mum she is very genuine and warm but very very stiff and formal, kids love her because everything is fancy and posh - sometimes we get food and drink sometimes we don't but if we do it is always a nice posh cake with little plates and forks and sat at the table. I have never stepped foot in her kitchen because that is her domain, she is always interested in everything because she does nothing herself and everything is all about them but my parents have a full and varied life when we see them we often end up talking about them and the latest cruise they have been on or play they have seen.

Kids like my family but they don't feel spoiled - it is just normal. Also MIL goes all out for their birthdays my parents but financially MIL is alot less able to spend the money on them whereas my parents are not short of money.

We have my niece's 18th in a couple of weeks - my sister is hosting and is open house - prosecco or champagne on the table beers in ice in a bucket buffet food on the table - it is a cop out to him because no one needs to host and it is rude and insolent to expect to get your own. It should be a sit down affair with my auntie my nieces mum pouring drinks and serving food and guests should not be expected to walk around or stand up. He as already said he won't be coming which is better for me as I can relax much more.

OP posts: