Stuck between parents and DH

I'm thinking must be something cultural at play here, but how your H thinks asking to use the toilet is normal I just cannot fathom. Are you in the UK? I think the casual grandparents sound more socially normal (not saying it's right to ignore your grandkids but it does happen). It sounds like your H's mum has a form of anxiety. So you're saying now he is threatening to split because of it? Maybe he has inherited his mum's issues. That is definitely NOT normal.

Maybe he needs to go back to his mum and think about his life choices.

Sorry, me again. So if you need a wee when you're there you leave and go to a public toilet? I can't fathom this set up at all!

Sorry your husband is a weirdo and his family is too. He thinks that your family is aloof because they disperse with formal invitations and tea service - 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤣🤣🤣

just goes to show that this style of “proper” British upbringing fucks up people’s heads

I think you nailed it!

His mother ACTS all posh and proper because her circumstances are anything but. She has invented a life that really doesn't exist and decided if you act like you have a stick up your ass, people will think you are well-off and "high class". OP's NVDH has bought into that, hook, line and sinker.

I keep trying to imagine OP's NVDH having "friends" over and having everyone sitting up, feet square on the floor in the sitting room, all proper, with a napkin on their laps while they sip tea and eat watercress sandwiches off doily-covered china tea plates. Then I start LMAO! I hope they stick their pinkies out!

He is rigid in his approach and can’t. Seem to work out different strokes for different folks. It’s a shame.

how does he cope with play dates etc

How are you coping with parenting together, as you must be coming from very different thought processes?

Do your DC have friends round, how does he cope with that?

I can't help thinking that while you are being flexible, he is not. I have friends and relatives at both extremes, and tend to go with the flow when at their houses. Personally, I'm a little on the formal end of the spectrum, as that's nicer IMHO. Not giving the kids attention or presents seems a bit selfish to me too. But that's their choice, and I wouldn't be buying presents on their behalf for that reason.

I think you have to agree on what you find acceptable in your own home - both of you. And go with the flow when visiting others. .

what is your relationship with your husband like? Does he make you laugh? Do you go out together and enjoy yourselves? Is he your best friend and favourite person.
he sounds such he’s work that I wonder if he’s worth it. You may be much happier as a single parent. Life’s too short to be stuck with threats like his to you. Tell him it’s fine, just leave.

My family is the same as yours OP.

Kids run off and play, they have a box of toys to delve into and will get ice lollies from the fridge - brought especially for them and always topped up.

I think you need to state that it’s his issue and not your parents issue.

Every post you write makes him worse and worse.

He is a controlling, manipulative azzwipe. He "hosts" because then HE has all the control, instead of letting friends just feel welcome.

He was not "brought up", he was birthed by a mentally unstable woman and raised to become her mini-me instead of a well-adjusted human.

I'm not surprised your parents don't like him, he sounds bloody hard work.

You’ve never seen his mums kitchen 😱

He’s absorbed some of his mums anxieties and rigid thinking. Which as pps have pointed out, will only get worse as he gets older.

He feels unwanted by your family, which he obviously is. But is it the chicken or the egg? Probably both, which is why your family were tolerable 10 years ago, but intolerable now.

All I can say is, be wary about alienating your own family. Your compromise of never letting them meet anymore, sounds the best thing.
Whether your relationship lasts, very much depends on his attitude to his own children and their friends, as they get older. His rigid thinking when they get their own views and opinions, will bring a whole new set of problems.

I loved visiting one set of gp’s when I was young as they were very child focussed, but looking back it was because their world was so small. The gp’s where I was bored rigid when visiting as a kid, were much more on my social level as I grew up. Topics of conversation were more diverse. I was bored as a kid because it was adult chat and there was nothing for kids to do (at least your kids are able to wander off and watch tv in a different room). They were more educated and worldly wise and I had more in common with these gp’s as I grew up.
Your kids will always love dh’s mum, but your family will shape them more in the middle class ways that your family operate in, and that your dh’s family aspired/aspire to, and that your dh married into. I presume that is what he found attractive about you, having grown up with a socially climbing and aspirational mum, albeit one who was loving and wanted the best for her kids but who has been hindered by her own anxieties and beliefs about what the “right” way to behave in society is.

The toilet thing is fucking insane

My DH is no longer involved in family events. Mine or his. It’s him, not us. My parents have tried their best with him. It’s really crap, but I don’t invite him to our birthdays etc. And we don’t see his family, either. Less cousins for DS, but it’s not my problem…

That may be valid if your in-laws had done something heinous to you and your husband had rightly defended you. That's not the case the op is outlining. She's explaining her husband has an unreasonable grudge against her parents and it very much sounds like he's trying to isolate her from her family. It's unfortunately a very classic script and can be very damaging and dangerous for women. Isolation is not the way forward for any person and with lots of men being so variable and flighty in general, I would always advise women to keep strong bonds with their families. If the op were to cut ties with her parents, her husband will quickly come up with a new issue.

If this is being dragged up then I wish I'd been dragged up. I think it sounds great, relaxed open house, and a big family where there's always something happening.

Your husband sounds like he has a stick up his arse.
I don't think it's necessarily a problem for him to have difficulty with the difference in backgrounds and experience, but for him to call your relationship, your marriage, into question is, IMO, unacceptable.

Is the feeling mutual, OP? Do you know how your parents feel about your DH? I think you might find they were more involved grandparents if he wasn't such a prick. Sounds like they might have decided it's easier to keep their distance.

Your home belongs to both of you. It's not just his and it's not just yours. You are welcome to have your family visit you at home, and you can of course allow them to use the toilet and make cups of tea. He doesn't make the rules.

Spot on. I have a DH who tend to think he runs the whole show and gets to make the rules, but he's been properly put straight on that. Even so, I regularly have to remind him that he doesn't make the rules, we both do. You have to be absolutely firm and stand your ground. There's nothing wrong with your parents popping round. How sad that he's managed to put a stop to that.

But you know you haven't been dragged up. I am sorry that you are being made to feel you have a problem when you don't. Your husband sounds as if he has some serious issues to sort out but these issues are entirely to do with him and not you or your parents. I think his attitude sounds very stifling and highly unusual.

The issue isn’t either of your respective household’s expectations, it’s your husband’s intolerance.

I think he deserves some compassion in this as the root cause is obviously his own upbringing and, in turn, his mum’s. Growing up in difficult circumstances can make people very self conscious about how things are done or how one should fit in, as your life and well-being depends on that to some extent. When you grow up with resources you are often privileged not to have to worry about what others’ think and this gives confidence. Being in a buffet/mingle situation like your niece’s birthday, for someone who is completely unused to that and has had it drilled into them that you don’t do this/that when you’re ’in company’ must be incredibly daunting and stressful.

However, the above only goes so far. Your husband is now an adult and is now regularly exposed to people who do not host or interact the way his family did when he was a child. Either he can accept this difference, try to see some of the benefits and admit he feels completely out of his depth and you find a way to manage that (a bit of him avoiding, a bit of you sticking close to support his mingling etc). Or he continues telling you this is all bizarre and wrong. Ultimately, if he fails to see that, although his parents did their best for him in their own way, his childhood has naturally left him ill equipped to manage a range of social situations then he will always find dealing with your family/friends immensely challenging.

Perhaps if you approach this with him empathetically, and articulate that you can see how hard this must be for him then he will be able to admit that truth. Perhaps then some therapy would help him overcome some of his barriers. In the end you want your children to be accepting of difference and be able to have the tremendous advantage of being confident with a variety of people, so you’re not going to be able to conform to the way he is used to doing things and not should you. If he can’t accept that then this may be too big a gap to bridge. Unfortunately the fortunate upbringing you had and the inbuilt confidence it instilled in you has created a really different outlook to that of your H. It’s absolutely not wrong in the least, to me it seems normal too. But I can see how alien and intimidating it might seem to him. Take it a step at a time and see where you end up. But if he can’t look at his part in this then that is a genuinely huge problem in your relationship I’m afraid.

Your husband has "inherited" his mother's anxiety, and need for things to be perfect. What a shame. Though I have to say, I come from a working class family in the north east, and none of my family or acquaintances, would dream of just knocking without ringing, or wandering freely around someone elses house, helping our/themselves to tea. Even if we have keys. We ask if it's OK to use the toilet - the answer is always yes, with no rules! We never visit, without being offered a drink etc, which is served to us in the living room. Buffet parties are normal tbough. Grandparents definately make a fuss of GC's special occasions (and adults). I can understand not wanting your parents to 'invade' (I like to relax, knowing no one is coming sometimes). However, it is odd that he can't cope with your parents house, and lifestyle being different. Don't let him limit your intetactions with your family, or tell you how to visit your own children in the future. That's not his call. He is anxious, and instead of dealing with it, he's making it all someone elses fault. He will limit your world, if you let him.

"Are you from different cultures?"
**
I was thinking the same. But what culture doesn't want people to use the loo in their home?

I think I would be asking myself what he wants for his own children when they are grown up? Would he need to officially invite his own children to your home or would they be able to just drop in? I think that alone would determine whether this relationship would work long term.

His attitude and his Mum's is not normal, the whole loo thing and dollies. It is almost like she has this idea of what it is to be "posh" and is replicating it at home.

Goodness me , it gets worse. He sounds a very angry man, like a bomb waiting to go off!How on earth have you put up withbthusbgor do long? He sounds like he despises your family (including you), as you are accepting of them and it is your idea of normal. Quite frankly, I'd tell him to piss of back to Hyancith Bouquet - I'm sure there must be some silver that needs polishing.

I mean if my in laws didn’t bother remembering my kids birthdays or buying them Christmas presents and not interacting with them I’d be pretty pissed off too which would make me very intolerant of them.

you have both had very different upbringings, yous obviously need to either accept that or part ways.