Stuck between parents and DH

I’m so confused! His Mum serves people with china and doilies and you aren’t allowed to use the toilet (yet would rather you used public ones?!) yet she is really relaxed around the kids but only when invited. Your family are really laid back and sound very normal yet they have no relationship with their grandkids as too busy for that but DH thinks they are too posh. None of it makes sense…

People might have done that sort of thing with “guests” 60 years ago but never with family

Why is it not controlling behaviour when mil does it but dh tries imposing the same rules and doing exactly what his mother is doing, (cutting off family and name calling anyone who doesn’t comply in how life is lived) and it’s considered controlling behaviour

I think both mother and son need a huge amount of therapy. Not that they think they need it. It is in their eyes the rest of the world that isn’t behaving correctly

No you don’t need to take a step back at all!!
just visit your parents and attend family get togethers without him… he sounds like a dick so you’ll have more fun!!
I honestly couldn’t stay with someone who thought they’d have been better off running as soon as they met my parents and thought leaving to use a public toilet rather than their parents or in-laws was normal!
I get up and make tea for everyone at my parents, we use the toilet and even sometimes shower there! My mum would let herself in and use my toilet while I was out if she was passing and desperate… I’d never use a public lav over a friends or families…. I wouldn’t visit someone if they felt I was too ‘unclean’ to use their toilet! Clearly
his family have issues…. Yours is normal!

The "bathroom" behaviour is maybe down to MIL's anxiety. I've never heard of any family member having to use a public convenience because their mum wouldn't allow them to use her bathroom. Is it a germ/cleanliness issue?

@pizzaHeart said "I also think that his conversations about your siblings’ divorced and about reevaluating your relationship are very odd. It’s like he’s finding excuses to break with you and trying to make you the guilty party."

@clawcliphurts I think the above bears thinking about. Do you think there is any chance he wants out and is using this as an excuse? I know it's been a problem for some time, but it sounds as if he's either 'ramping it up' in his mind which could lead to further abuse (because IMHO his behaviour is abusive and controlling) or he's looking for a reason to get out (or to make you want out).

Based on this I would be considering my relationship with HIM - his family is completely weird and I would not want that anywhere near my children.

Putting it simply, he's been adversely influenced by his mother's poor MH. He's convinced himself that it is the way things should be done, party as a coping mechanism. Whose life would you pick for your children, your DPs or your MILs?

@Airspice whereas I do agree with a lot of what you say I don’t think it is completely normal to just turn up at a relatives house (even parent child) and just let yourself in without indicating that you were coming - that is a boundary I th8nk the OP should put in place. I see my parents a lot but they would never just turn up

Actually now I have written this it has made me realise how overwhelming my family must be to him and maybe I need to take a step back.

No OP, your family is COMPLETELY normal, it’s HIS family that are odd!! He doesn’t use his mum’s toilet because he was brought up not to use relatives bathrooms?? What sort of absolute nonsense is that??! And I would often make tea at my lovely late Mum’s house, and she did at mine. And same with my sister, and brother. Please don’t alienate your NORMAL family because your dh was brought up like that!

I think that’s quite harsh @Yalta

I think the MIL has a tendency to show love through ostentatious entertaining but it’s coming from a place of “how it is done” than anything malicious I think. Roll back 60 years and some of us older Mumsnet posters had grandparents who were entertaining in a drawing room used only for visitors. The toilet thing may have been because not everyone had an indoor toilet. She isn’t modernising fast enough basically and is stuck in the past.
Her son sounds like he’s also got a fixed mindset but has also grown up listening to this as the right thing to do. But he’s the one I’d be working on. I’d start by taking the piss when he entertains our friends like that and pointing out how informal our return visits are.
Super granny may be in there, just needs help breaking out. The kids love her, she engages with them well (better than OP’s GPs) and Id be working on the husband in this case.

Have you considered your MIL has an issue with control

Being controlling is how she shows love

The invites for specific times, the food, how it is served and eaten. She can turn on the tap of love.

Go against her and she is estranged from her daughter and calls her grandson a brat.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable in exposing my children to her tactics

Your husband is really bloody weird

What does your husband think of his sister? Since she doesn't buy into this outlook either? Does she visit your house ever?

The problem isn’t your parents op, it’s your husband. He sounds like a horror!

I feel completely at home in my mums & my brothers homes as they do in mine. We all have keys, will make ourselves drinks, definitely use the loo… my family are my home.

At your in-laws do you never stay for a full day? Or does your DH pop out mid visit to go pee at the local supermarket? That sounds totally ridiculous to me.

I'm sorry @clawcliphurts you don't have a parent problem, you have a dh problem. He has issues. His parents have issues. He is projecting those onto your parents and blaming them for things that are normal and healthy. Your parents sound warm, not cold.

You have a few red flags in your post, I worry about whether your dh puts you down? Makes you feel less? If a man took issue with my Mum having a cup of tea in my home that she made herself, I'd tell him to sling his hook, end of.

Nip this in the bud. Enough with his comments. Enough with the put downs. Your family, as is his, is welcome and if he doesn't like it, he can leave.

Is it possible that he just needs an excuse to leave the relationship since he feels that he “needs to reassess the relationship”because of your parents?

How do you two get on, what is your family life like - that's the main consideration?

Grandparents/Inlaws - I didn't have any parents when I married nor when we had DD. Instead I had a MIL who wanted to be my birthing partner, DH told me & he was up for the idea because it got him off the hook or so he thought. From me it was a firm NO. She wanted IN on everything & he was happy with that because it free'd him up to do man things & the baby was surrounded by cluckers or so he thought.

What I'm saying is he's looking to control everything - so does he step up & play hubby & daddy? Does he take charge when his inlaws turn up - make drinks and sort food out - master in his own house - but not in anyone else's, that's their house.

I'm sorry, but your husband and family are unreasonable! Poor you, being stuck in the middle of that. Your family are completely normal and don't think otherwise!

Your husband is giving me the ick OP and I’m not sure why you are being so subservient to him
@clawcliphurts

I think your DH has got some significant MH issues. Your family set up is entirely normal- although unusual that your parents are a bit tight with gifts- and his is absolutely bizarre. I would think carefully about the message you are sending to your own children. It is absolutely not normal to think it is disrespectful to go to the loo in someone else’s home.

I agree with this^
I also think that his conversations about your siblings’ divorced and about reevaluating your relationship are very odd. It’s like he’s finding excuses to break with you and trying to make you the guilty party.
I don’t like people coming uninvited, making themselves tea in my house and I expect grandparents remember grandchildren’s birthdays. However I would never react as your DH and I would never come to his conclusions. He just resents everything about you, he is so negative, so poisonous and so rude. I suspect your parents don’t like him much but who would?

You each married each other - not your parents.

Your focus is all wrong.

You entered a "forever team" when you got married - not an each of you is "perfect", but the "you need to face all things as a team and work them out as a team."

No absolute rights and wrongs - but you need to grow up and work it out as a couple.

He doesn't like your parents, you don't like his, but you are less stressed than him.

He is stressed by your parents if he's flinging ultimatums. Or he's laying the groundwork for blame, if he's looking to get out of the marriage.

Assuming he's not having an affair or keeping a back pocket reason to divorce, just why is this such a problem?

Are your parents round every week? How much do they intrude?

Have you discussed what actually ticks him off about your parents and their comments?

Why don't you tell your parents politely to put a cork in it and not to insult your husband? Or are you hiding he's not a nice person?

I have a very anger and bitter MIL, ever since her husband walked out 30 years ago (affair) and for various other reasons.

Quite taken aback when her and SIL were so rude and disrespectful, about something unimportant, that wasn't quite connected to me, about 10 years ago.

My husband rarely gets angry. He's a very calm peron. But on this occasion, he bellowed with rage. Wasn't expecting the attack or counter-attack.

They shut up immediately. Never loved my husband more.

You always want your partner to have your back.

So if you're planning lifelong with your husband - don't sit on the fence - put down boundaries protecting your husband. Unless he's a jerk.

And go see your parents without him - but he needs to know you have his back.

We are not dissimilar. My Dad lives an hour away with his wife (my Mum died years ago) and while I love him to bits, he and my stepmum never show much interest in my Dad's grandchildren. He was single when the first few came along and was really involved, but less so later on. DD (15) and I stayed with him recently for a couple of days while stepmum was away and he hardly asked DD about anything relating to her. He is 90 but was no different ten years ago.

If we lived closer I would absolutely let myself in, use the loo and make a cuppa - as we do with MIL. Can't relate there.....

MIL lives close by and we go round a lot. She is always so interested in us, the kids, their lives and health, and wider family etc. She always wants to feed people and spends her life planning what to feed the next lot of visitors etc.

DH probably finds my Dad uninterested and unbothered, which compared to MIL I suppose he is. He is also quite well off but gives the kids maybe £10 for birthdays (and £30 to me) where MIL gives me £100 and the children presents costing £40 or so. She is comfortably off too. We giggle at the differences but it's horses for courses, none of us need anything from either of them so it's up to them. But MIL is far more interested and caring on a day to day basis - although I'm sure my Dad loves all his children and does appreciate us hugely.

Luckily DH just rolls his eyes at stuff and gets on with it. I can't understand how OPs partner is finding it a 'relationship re-evaluating' issue? Her parents may not be what he's used to but they aren't abusive or rude. And not letting them make a cup of tea in their house is just weird........ (are they allowed to use the loo??)

Personally I find your husband’s family
strange, I would feel so awkward and uncomfortable having to be waited on and wouldn’t feel welcome to have to be formally invited to visit. But then my family is more like yours and I will drop in to my parents without notice if I’m in the area and they do the same, I feel more welcome to be able to do that and it feels more ‘real’ than going at a set time so they can put on a show

Sounds like you have completely different families and outlooks to what visiting looks like. Neither is wrong. What's wrong is that he's threatening you with divorce over it. It's his way or the highway