Due to be a MiL. What are the do's and don"ts to foster a great relationship.

Im very lucky to have an amazing MiL and I really appreciate that she treats me equally to her son, makes an effort with me as I do with her, is supportive and encouraging and importantly for me at the moment is shes an amazing granny who respects our parenting decisions and is gentle in her advice giving haha... Im sure there are things we dont agree on but we dont argue about them, and Im sure I have benefited from plenty of grace on her side 😬🙈

So I guess my advice would just be to be yourself and let her know you're interested in her, hopefully she wants to get to know you too and you can build your own friendship outside of the MiL label 🥰

Ah, well I think you need to let go of any hope you can be the ‘mother she never had’! Just because that spot is vacant doesn’t mean it’s available, and she may well be very guarded about maternal roles as a result. Plus, if they have children, you have to realise that she’s the mum now anyway and it’s her turn.

Well my MIL was pretty loopy, and her relationship with ExDH was a major source of pain, but she was mostly respectful and positive towards me. So be respectful and positive, I suppose! But focus on your relationship with your DS, and don’t expect her to patch up any cracks.

Always treat her and her home with respect.
Accept that from now on she will always come first with your son.
let her lead the pace with how friendly she wants to be.
Never criticise your son in front of her, even in a joke.
Accept that they will do everything different to you.
Be grateful for any kindness she does for you.

i have a fabulous relationship with all my DILs and SiL. I am not perfect, I have made load of mistakes but they are happy to accept me despite my faults.

That's lovely for you and you're all happy with the relationships you have but it's not necessarily anyone's fault if this isn't what happens.

It's ok to have a bit of distance, not send daily photos and video call.

Honestly, it would make me want to run for the hills but I'm not a bad person or bad DIL.

What lots of people might assume for her is that she wants a mother figure and that might be true but probably not.

I found it uncomfortable when my MIL tried to get too close and foster a mother/daughter relationship. I didn't want that and it made me back away. Not because I didn't like her but I didn't want to call her mum etc.

As others have said, be friendly and welcoming without being too pushy.

Definitely don't expect it to be her role to send your side of the family gifts, cards or arrange parties. That is your son's job. If you don't receive a mother's day card, call your son, not her (bitter experience post partum).

Ask her questions about her life, don't only ask her about her children or your son's activities. She is a separate person with achievements and a life. My MIL and FIL cannot accept I earn the same as Dh and contribute equally. Somehow my work is my 'little job' that I do to be stubborn.

Don't remark upon the dust in her house nor run a finger along surfaces and say things like 'goodness you're letting things get away from you, aren't you? Shall I send you the routine I work to?'.....

I think that actually caring about wanting to do it right means you have a head start,I bet you'll be a lovely m.i.l

Don't ask her if she wants you to be a friend or a mum if you're not willing to be whatever she asks.

I think if you treat your son like a fully functioning adult who can manage his own household chores, social calendar and family responsibilities then you’re in a good place. Most MIL issues seem to come from the dh leaving these to “wife work”.

Show interest in her for herself rather than as an extension of your son.

Owes her nothing? They are about to become family. OP is the mother of her soon to be husband and if she has children , OP will be their grandmother.
honestly wth is wrong with women on here?!

She's a person in her own right, she will have her own ideas neither if you is right.

Don't barge through boundaries, respect her and your sons space.

Don't tell her how to do things, don't re arrange her house, don't sort thru cupboard don't make them feel like shit. Don't be negative

Treat your daughter in law as you treat your daughter....be fair and honest....I have a great mil who honestly is easier than my mum..

Treat her as a friend, please don't tell her what to do. Make sure you listen. Value the and care for her. Your son has chose her for a reason. Welcome her with open arms

Don’t buy unwanted kids items, like sale items in wrong sizes/seasons.
No comments on her clothes/appearance/what she eats and when/status of house and her job and whether she really needs to work after children etc.

don’t expect her to be social secretary and arrange all visits, meet-ups and restaurants trips going forward.

Don't interfere. Be hand-off, and even if you don't agree with something, keep your mouth shut.

I presume she has a mom. She will always be closer to her mom and turn to her.

It's the way it works. I've two DiL and one daughter, so know how it works in the sense that daughters will always turn to their mom's

I could have written this!!

Honestly, I think the main thing is to accept and respect that his life now centres around his wife and any family they may have. As long as you don't try and centre yourself, I don't think you can go too wrong.

The only other thing, is making sure that you've progressed your parenting relationship with your son to an adult one. I think when parents try and maintain the parent / child dynamic when their kids are fully grown, nearly always causes issues.

I'm sure it's already been said but my number one piece of advice is to have a relationship with her as a separate human being. Send her texts, call her, ask her genuine questions when you see her and care about the answer. Spend time with her on your own if you can. My MIL literally never texts me or calls me and shows no interest in me. To her I am her sons wife and the mother of her grandchildren. I am nothing more. And it sucks.

I was nervous about becoming a MiL, due to things I read on here. Fortunately my DS is married to a lovely, mature, level headed young woman. They are perfect for each other and my DiL
is very keen to foster a good relationship. She frequently asks for my opinion ( I usually offer something in line with what I know they are thinking), tells me how happy she is with DS and is thoughtful and caring. She recently have birth to our first DGS and keeps in contact with daily photos and chats and regular video calls. When we visited first she was resting so that DS could show us the baby, then came in and we all had a little cry, it was so emotional; we were bursting with love for each
other 😂
I keep telling her she is doing a fabulous job; she tells me she couldn’t do it without DS😍

Be trustworthy and reliable. And don't try to get 'trust'. That may come in time but you don't need it.

My mother in law was amazing.
She listened - and never interfered in the children's upbringing or our relationship.
I often asked her for advice. As often as my mother.

Just be kind and don't mess around.

Don't accuse her of "stealing your little boy away from you" yes, those words were said to me, and no, not at all jokingly.

I'm in the minority here but I have a better relationship with MIL than I do my own mum. I see her more than my husband does 🤣

For me personally, respecting boundaries and unsolicited advice would be the two main focuses.