Due to be a MiL. What are the do's and don"ts to foster a great relationship.

so know how it works in the sense that daughters will always turn to their mom's

Not necessarily. It depends on the relationship with their mums.

I was closer to my mil than I have ever been to my own mother. She was kind, helpful, non interfering, undemanding and just a truly lovely person. We were friends for almost 40yrs.

My own mum would help but attaches strings, judges people (including me and my siblings) on social standing and plays favourites. I speak to her reasonably regularly but haven't physically seen her for almost 15yrs.

I can only tell you what you shouldn't do based on my own MIL:

• don't treat their home like an extension of yours, you're a guest, behave like it (I've even posted about it in the past)
• do not question their decisions - gently voiced opinions are welcome, criticisms is not (eg: my MIL keeps telling everyone how silly I am for getting myself an electric car)
• do not complain to your son about his wife, they're a team (my MIL used to call my DH and cry about how unkind I've been towards her, because I wouldn't let her overfeed my dog)
• do not imagine your relationship with your DIL developing in any particular way and act all disappointed when it doesn't turn out like you've hoped it would (my MIL had this vision of me becoming the daughter she's never had, us constantly going shopping together and phoning each other every day. I wasn't interested. She made a scene at our wedding.)

I think you should just treat your DIL like you would treat any new acquaintance, don't put any expectations on her, just let your relationship develop naturally. Take her as she is. Treat her like a human being, do not expect too much or too little. Just treat her like a potential friend and be open to change.

I'd she asking the same question how to be a good dil?

No one on here can advise you as nobody knows her.
It will come down to your personalities and things that happen.

Absolutely @saraclara

I also think that priorities don't just lie with some sort of hierarchical status that the wife or partner always wins. Sometimes a parent should be prioritised. Sometimes even a friend needs to be prioritised. There are any number of events and situations, both celebratory or needs related, where the spouse/partner of either sex needs to let the other prioritise a relative or friend.

I don't think the list of what to do and not to do is any different really from any relationship.

Very few people are going to fully enjoy a relationship with someone who is emotionally immature, manipulative, spiteful, overbearing, gossipy, doesn't respect boundaries, passive aggressive, make rude comments, offers unsolicited advice....and the rest of the list of negative traits that applies to everyone.

Same goes for the DIL.

This comes up on here a lot and mystifys me a bit.
When do men ever have to choose between their mother and their wife?

I've been married a very long time and can't think of a single occasion when my husband has had to choose between me and his mum.

Remember your son will ALWAYS choose his DP over you, and that's ok...

Also sides should respect the others boundaries.

This is probably not the best place to ask, given the unpopularity of mils. I suppose treat them as equal adults and with respect, just as you would anyone else eg at work or elsewhere.You get back what you put in, respect wise, I think.

Remember you aren’t in charge of her in any way. You aren’t her mum and she’s not a teenager. It’s not your job to direct her life in anyway. And then be furious when she won’t do as she is told.
Don’t constantly ask if she is on a diet, planning on going on a diet, has been on a diet. Don’t buy her tiny sized clothes to encourage her to go on a diet (mine did this, I’m never going to be a size 6, get over it).
Try to be interested in her life in some way, actually knowing what she does for a living might help (TBF she had no idea what DH did either).
Don’t blame her for things completely out of her control, DHs job location, calling the day before a family meal and then us not going (300 miles away).
Dont gossip to SIL about everything creating a wedge.

Honestly try to be friends and then let things develop. If not, in the end at least be friends.

My MIL laid out quite clearly to me that her expectation was that I would be doing the 'wifework'- stuff that DH had been doing perfectly competently by himself as a single man.

Turned out she did the same to her other DILs - we compared notes. She also played each set off against each other, again we found out by talking to each other without her.

None of her sons had any expectations their wives would do this work, it entirely came from her.

I do get on with my mil but I find her a bit disrespectful at times. For example, she asks to see us - we say sorry no we are busy that day. She will go on and on about coming over, what are we doing, is there not a time we can see her, then on the day will randomly phone and say I'm in the area can I come over. It's too much and annoyingly it took my husband 10 years to see this! With the babies she never helped us, never prioritised us so I don't prioritise her now.

Also she begged us not to get married abroad because it wasn't fair etc, I feel terrible so we got married here but it was never what I wanted and still regret this so much. She dominated the christenings too with her guest lists and food orders.

We hardly see them, maybe once a month. When we do I drink wine because I find their complaining and political views a bit much, plus they liek to sit I'm watching tv and I'm the opposite 🤦‍♀️

My MIL and I lived a long way apart and that was probably our saving grace! We only saw each other once or twice a year.

what both my PIL did brilliantly, better than my own parents, were being cheerleaders for our DC. The DC could do no wrong in their eyes😉. They spoilt them in some pretty ridiculous ways, but the kids felt loved and special and although they didn’t meet them often, we’re always aware they were in their GPs thoughts. I have lovely memories of my late 70 PIL down on the floor playing hands on with kids when they were bailies/toddlers and me and my husband struggling to get them back up on their feet. you could see their joy at their gc radiating through them

BUT, MIL did have issues imho. She was far too over familiar, wanted to be a substitute mum and treat me like a daughter she never had. Didn’t start well with her bursting into bedroom on my first visit to their house wanting to watch me get dressed. Jeez, it was horrific to me as I wouldn’t have even done that with my own mum. Seriously, she was very gushing but would then turn and get a bit nasty if something didn’t go her way. Often that was with my husband, who had no time for her “ways” and she’d throw a strop and I’d end up as peacemaker between them. I think if we’d lived closer and saw more of them both husband and I would have had issues with them.

so, don’t treat her like a daughter. Don’t expect her to treat you equally in way she treats her own parents. Your relationship with her, any future GC is entirely through your son. If your relationship with him is distant it’ll not get any better with them moving closer, or getting married or having GC. You have to work on your relationship with your ds to solve issues like these. How much you see any GC, and when is down to your son. If you have a close, loving, respectful and happy relationship with your son, then extend that gently to DIL - don’t expect same closeness, but allow her to come into that relationship as she wants to.

as others said, don’t dump the load of domestic minutiae onto her - if you want to see your son, talk to him not her. She’s not responsible for the relationship you have with them, he is. Air any issues with him, not her.

and remember: “there’s nowt so queer as folk”….we forget that through nature and nurture our kids have absorbed part of us and our culture. A “stranger”, no matter how beloved by ds and even you, will never quite “get” or “fit” into that family dynamic in same way. Don’t ever expect this. Be tolerant of her character traits, don’t take the piss, don’t be judgemental. Accept and bite your tongue and mind your manners. But also accept your ds is not perfect either.

strange as it might be….you can always ask your DIL what she finds is working, and not working in your relationship as you go through the years…feedback is very powerful if your willing to accept accountability to adjusting stuff or fixing issues- doesn’t mean you have to accept 100% responsisiblty for the causes, but take accountability to address and resolve. Sometimes we’re too hesitant to actually ask each other what’s working and not working in our relationships- except at work. But it’s incredibly powerful to do that regularly. It allows us to show trust towards each other, share vulnerabilities etc and that does nothing but strengthen bonds.

Plus don't tell her your Daughter in law or Son in law Your deepest personal business because they will gossip to their family .

Don't interfere. Let them get on their lives . Don't call round without asking . Let them go to get them back ,

i don’t see my MIL much because she lives in another country. But yesterday I sent her some pictures of our new baby and some of my DP+kids, and she wrote straight back and thanked me for the lovely photos and then said “but tell DP to send me some photos of baby and her mother!” I thought that was very sweet and a lovely example of the little ways you can show your DIL she is seems as an equal and valued family member.
Having said that it goes both ways…

Put yourself in a cupboard. Stay there until you are needed for something. Do whatever it in complete silence then get back into the cupboard. Under no circumstances show any affection towards your adult child. Show affection towards your grandchildren in pre approved ways only.

One of my MILs most irritating habits is saying ‘I would never have wanted my MIL to..’ whilst doing that exact thing. So as a starter just think about what a good MIL is like for you. The fact you’re even thinking about this means you sound lovely!

No one is saying this.

I think it is more than if it isn't done then the woman gets the blame.

I’m finding it hilarious and baffling in equal measure that so many women - resentful that they are expected to do all the “wife work”- have decided it’s all the fault of their (useless) partner’s mother!!

I have a very strained relationship with my mother in law. Her interference in our marriage was a large part of us moving abroad. We are considering coming home which I really want to do, but the main worry is going back to that place. Since leaving the country I have watched my brother in law’s marriage collapse, because of his infidelity but during the marriage my mother in law also made my lovely soon to be ex sister in law miserable too.

You say your DIL to be has a strained relationship with her own mother. I can’t tell you if that is a plus or a minus. It would seem logical that this means she has issues with women in a maternal role, but having said that I have noted on mil threads that many of the women who really love their MILs are less close to their mothers.

I would say - be clear eyed about your son. Don’t give the impression you think he is a god. Make it clear to your DIL you are neutral if there is any disagreement. Take her side (not in serious disagreement, on whether she needs an additional pram or something). Don’t expect phone calls or texts from just her, but be delighted to hear from her. Tell her you like her top. Be interested in her job, because the stereotype you’re up against is that you are expecting her to give it up.

If and when she becomes a mum, assume she is in charge (this means she will feel able to ask your advice) and tell her she’s a great mum. She will do things you wouldn’t have, but unless the child is actually at risk, keep those thoughts to yourself.

In the short term, tell them both how thrilled you were with the Mother’s Day stuff. You don’t need to spell out that you thought it was her influence, but you can say “thank you both” and smile at her. She’s looking for signs you’ll be a friend. Give those in abundance. Good luck 🤞

What kind of weird alternate universe do you live in that people don’t talk about this shit with their parents?

It’s not gossip for a son to tell his mother about his fiancé.

Especially when it could also serve to avoid awkward and potentially upsetting conversations or questions being asked. Because now the OP knows to treat lightly when discussing family related topics and to not ask too much about how she gets on with her step parents etc.

Don't put pictures of any future grandchildren on social media. Thankfully many parents now are wise to the consent and safeguarding issues this raises.