Due to be a MiL. What are the do's and don"ts to foster a great relationship.

Great!!! Seems like we agree right enough

But you didn't seem to understand that that's what I was saying! I'm glad we agree though.

I completely agree with that. That is exactly what i said two posts ago.

You're still missing the point. Both partners should make an effort with their in-laws. And both sets of PILs should make an effort with their chlds partner.

Neither MIL is 'just a random woman' and neither is either DIL.

This is very important.

I only cooked veg until they had a slight bight, which my husband loved
My husband, rather stupidly, suggested that MIL do the same as my veg were splendid! My MIL was of the school of cooking that insisted that veg were rapidly boiled for at least twenty minutes.

My MIL was very upset so I told her that my husband was being kind to me and that he secretly loved the way she cooked her veg.
She felt validated, we ate overcooked veg every now and again .

I loved my MIL. She was a truly amazing MIL, but for her veg.

I am flabbergasted at the sexism here.

Is the husband not part of the younger generation?

Thankfully my marriage is nothing like this.

So basically what's being said is that the younger woman owes her MIL nothing and her DH should be entirely responsible for his mother.

Meanwhile a MIL who only cares about, shows interest in, and helps her son, while ignoring her DIL, will be described as the MIL from hell.

So the older generation has all the relationship heavy lifting to do with her new family member, while the younger woman just shrugs her shoulders and can ignore this 'random woman' and leave her DH to it?

I have understood your post perfectly thank you. I am just making a comment that arises out of it.

You seem to have misunderstood the point of my post. I was addressing the poster who claimed that ones mother in law is just "a random woman".

Your mother in law is not a random woman, and there would be a lot of complaining if a mumsnetter's MIL treated her like some random woman rather than a new member of her extended family

Yes but treated equally by whom? No one ever complains that husbands don't treat their in-laws the same way they treat their own parents.

Being treated equally means, in my equal marriage, that I will equally support arrangements my husband makes with his family as those I expect him to support with mine.

Where I think this all falls apart, and gets sexist, is where it is expected that the DIL treats both sides equally. Why would I treat my PIL like my own parents when they are not? Why can't my husband take the lead on that?

I think it’s normal to be interested in their life and to ask questions, just ask them with curiosity rather than judgement but don’t ask too much why they do this and that it feels as interrogation.
Remember when it’s her birthday.

Oh right- yes that tracks 😭. I Am now thinking about the recent thread where the OP was furious about the perfectly standard wedding guest dress her soon-to-be MIL was planning to wear to her wedding. 😂😭

I took it to mean "don't draw attention to yourself, if you have to exist just fade into the wallpaper and don't embarrass us"!

...and definitely don't wear purple!

lol I get the first two, but what’s the beige about?

If you have children, the grandparents, at a baseline, are equally invested in those children, equally genetically connected, and should be treated equally.

Of course there may be practical reasons why that can't always be possible, but mother in-law is not not "some random woman", she's your partner's mother and a blood relative of your child's.

Your husband’s mother is not “some random woman”.
To hold such a position is a total bizarre and highly anti social attitude.

Why does being family (imagining this being said in an Eastenders way ) mean that you owe some random woman something? You only owe what you would owe another human being. It's usually code for put up with awful treatment from them because they are family.

I think it's a really fine line. What a woman can say to her daughter is different to what a woman can say to her daughter in law. Because the woman brought up/lived with daughter for 2 decades, but woman only met daughter in law when she was an adult.

Often the tensions come when there is a GC. A daughter will parent more in line with how the grandmother parented - because she'll be replicating some of what the grandmother did with her. A daughter in law may parent quite differently, so you have to adjust to that and respect it.

My MIL used to do the all presents come from santa thing. But my mum did the stocking from father christmas and the rest of the presents from whoever was the giver. I naturally went to replicate what my mum had done. My MIL went along with this happily so there were no problems. There are some people who are so overbearing that they'd tell you that you were doing it wrong.

I think it's a really fine line. What a woman can say to her daughter is different to what a woman can say to her daughter in law. Because the woman brought up/lived with daughter for 2 decades, but woman only met daughter in law when she was an adult.

Often the tensions come when there is a GC. A daughter will parent more in line with how the grandmother parented - because she'll be replicating some of what the grandmother did with her. A daughter in law may parent quite differently, so you have to adjust to that and respect it.

My MIL used to do the all presents come from santa thing. But my mum did the stocking from father christmas and the rest of the presents from whoever was the giver. I naturally went to replicate what my mum had done. My MIL went along with this happily so there were no problems. There are some people who are so overbearing that they'd tell you that you were doing it wrong.

I think it's a really fine line. What a woman can say to her daughter is different to what a woman can say to her daughter in law. Because the woman brought up/lived with daughter for 2 decades, but woman only met daughter in law when she was an adult.

Often the tensions come when there is a GC. A daughter will parent more in line with how the grandmother parented - because she'll be replicating some of what the grandmother did with her. A daughter in law may parent quite differently, so you have to adjust to that and respect it.

My MIL used to do the all presents come from santa thing. But my mum did the stocking from father christmas and the rest of the presents from whoever was the giver. I naturally went to replicate what my mum had done. My MIL went along with this happily so there were no problems. There are some people who are so overbearing that they'd tell you that you were doing it wrong.

Ha ha!

I'm so glad that I'm only a MIL to sons-in-law.

I read this on MN many years ago. If
you want to be a great MIL Do the following…

‘Keep your mouth shut, your purse open and wear beige ‘

Don’t lose your ever-loving mind if and when they have a baby. This is not your child mark 2. It is THEIR child. Be supportive. Follow their lead. Don’t keep saying that’s not how we did it in my day. Don’t cry that you only see your grand baby twice a week and want to see them every day. Don’t demand the baby sleeps over at two weeks old and have a hissy fit when told no. Don’t slam the phone down and disown your son and DIL for not complying with your demands.

I’m not scarred at all.

Not necessarily. I have read countless posts on MN where an obviously well meaning MIL is being judged awfully by a ghastly DIL for doing such awful things as asking what the dc would like for Christmas (she should know apparently), bathing gc after they got soaked through (borderline paedofile behaviour apparently), buying clothes for the gc ( how dare she)

Some people are just crap be they MIL or DIL and no good deed will go unpunished.

Be respectful of boundaries. That is all! I think it is natural for there to be a reset of routine, priorities and boundaries when your child becomes serious with their life partner. Emotionally prepare for that, and keep a balanced approach, continuing to invite to things but without obligation and keep in touch regularly (but perhaps not too frequently 😉) to enquire about news and stay connected.

think the pp tip on asking for feedback is an interesting and helpful one - eg what would work for you in terms of catching up over the summer? What can we do to help with the house move? If DGC arrive, let them know that you will wait for them to let you know when is best to visit, no worries if it is not in first week, you are so excited for them but know that early days are precious etc.