To just wander off for 30 minutes with no word leaving my husband with our child?

I don't think the OP is asking for permission though, I think she's asking for communication. As if they both decided to adopt DH's approach and just wander off then their toddler would be a bit stuck!

(Full disclosure OP, I'm in the same position as you and at times it drives me scatty. I think the 'default parenting' thing possibly relates to the reality that a woman's life changes from the moment she's pregnant. There's things you have to do, or not do, eat or not eat and your body and life are instantly no longer your own. Breastfeeding adds further to this narrative if that's what you choose to do. I don't regret it at all but it definitely reinforced me as being the "main" parent as it was only me that could easily meet their feeding needs. For the dads there doesn't have to be any change, technically ever!)

I laughed reading your post - not in a nasty way but in a ‘oh my god- I remember that’ way.
I know exactly what you mean.
you are on duty all the time, you are clear to say or even ask ‘I’m going to have a shower now, is that ok?’ Or whatever.
they don’t. It’s infuriating. And yes, it’s because it is unbalanced. It just so clearly shows that. My DH was not selfish or lazy at all. But there was imbalance - due to the set up and I was breastfeeding when kids were little etc and wasn’t working- and this was just result of that.

I feel that a lot less now that the kids are just that little bit older and I feel less drained. I also talked to him about it and he tried to get better at communicating more and I occasionally played at taking more time for myself and doing what he does. Those years can be hard. Sometimes your partner is selfish but sometimes it’s just because those years are hard and everyone is exhausted

That's not what she said.

She meant there's nothing stopping OP from getting up and leaving her toddler with their dad, or really from taking the toddler to dad if she needs to.

If we are all at home we'll have a quick discussion in the morning about what needs doing and then share out the time parenting/time doing other stuff. I'd say the difference is that when I'm in charge of the toddler I'll keep on doing jobs while they 'help'. DH tends to do only looking after the toddler and then gets annoyed he's not achieving much 😂

And you leave your toddler on their own for 30 min?...

I hate this when my partner does this, I think he is has nipped out of the room for 5mins and he doesn't come back, I told him as annoying as it is can he just say need to do some paperwork be back in awhile etc

lol, umm just do it. Do you really expect to be in the same room, all of you 24/7 how tedious

My husband does that all the time, it's infuriating!
Like, we are getting ready to give dinner to the kids (both under 3) and he just f*cks off for 30 min just when we sit them down. I assume he thinks I have things under control, but I would plan things differently if I knew I was going to be on my own.

All it takes is "I need to do X, are you ok for now?" to give me a chance to grab what I'm missing or go to the damn toilet before getting stuck!

But you're saying it's half an hour, not all day. So he goes off and has a nap, he comes back.

What is it you want from him? For him to ask permission to go for a lie down / do some gardening? To say ok I'm shattered I'm off for a nap but when I come back you can have the exact time to yourself? For you to never be apart?

I'd work out what your end outcome in before you talk to him

My ex used to do this, he would always be in bed asleep though, no where else. It did wind me up as normally if be the one who had got up early with the kids. I didn’t daytime nap in those days, I certainly do now but kids grown up now so it’s fine

He sounds like a selfish prick. So if he can do it, so can you. Make it clear. Keep a tally. Every time he thinks he can wander off like a pre-parent douchebag without a care in the world note it down. And talk to him. Explain why he needs to be more thoughtful and that this fracture between you (caused by his selfishness) will only deepen and rip your family apart if he doesn’t change.

I think either way is fine, tbh.

There shouldn't be any need for formal communication in an otherwise solid relationship.

Well you can to some extent, toddlers can play with toys in 1 room while you are in another if needed

Since my LO learnt to crawl, and even more so now he can walk (18 months) i'll leave him in the lounge while i get on with stuff in the kitchen, or i'll be sat in the lounge reading a book or whatever and he'll just be coming and out playing, i'm not watching him 100% of the time. I'll pop upstairs to put some washing away while he is in the lounge playing. He doesn't stop me doing whatever i want/need to round the house. If i have stuff to do in the garden, then shoes on and he is out with me.

@Youcancallmeirrelevant

you can leave them for a few minutes to do something like have a wee, you can prepare a meal while listening out & checking on them, you can't bloody well just both wander off and do your own thing!

it's mot about wanting or not to do what they're doing it's about communication & knowing how long they'll be tied up with x activity etc.

its part of being a couple/family,

He is selfish, purposefully oblivious, lazy and rude. He clearly considers you the default parent.

But simply reciprocating in the same vein wont actually solve anything. Have you actually talked about this with him in order to clarify mutual expectations and come to an agreement on how to handle these kinds of situations?

How old is toddler? Mine is 16 months and I’ve always used a playpen if I want to pop into a different room for a bit. I’m also not against him roaming around some areas of the house which we’ve made safe for him.

Otherwise, if both of us are here. We’d just go to a different part of the house without announcing it.

I mean literally not hard as in not hard to just say where you are going/what you are doing.

I understand exactly what you are talking about OP. My husband sometimes just buggers off upstairs and has gone for a nap or a bath and it's rude. If I'm off to do something I always let him know. It's literally not hard, but yes it makes you feel like the default parent. You are there and that is the given.

I don't think a toddler needs watching all the time although someone needs to be nom.inally in charge. I would just get on with whatever I wanted to do in my own house, toddler can potter about. If I want to do something specific like go out or do some work I will say so. We do have a kind of unspoken agreement that we each get chance to do what we want if we're all in for a few hours. I think you need to get in the habit each time of having something you want to do and say that you are off to do it. That will create the expectation that you aren't just sitting around doing nothing available for childcare.

I don't think I would because he might wander off assuming you are there then the child will be alone! Just tell him and go 'clean the bathroom' - have a long bath

I don't understand. They can't both do this whenever they want though? Surely it's polite, teamwork and common sense to say whilst you're with X I'll go and do Y if that's ok?

Make your stand early - my 9 year still comes to me as the default parent in this scenario (except first thing in the morning which is where made my stand) it does get better as they get older and I have enjoyed lots of the time looking back but wish I had carved some time out for myself.

My DH used to do this frequently. Even before we had kids it was annoying as fuck. He'd just walk off or head out in the car without saying where or when he'd be back. It's basic manners to explain your absence.

He does it every now and again and I bollock him each time for being really fucking inconsiderate but it's much less frequent thank God. Boils my piss every time.

Sent too quick. What I also wanted to say is it's a tough age so to a degree yes you'll be passing the kid back and forward while you do things alone. But I understand what you mean about being the default, it's that unsaid notion that you're always the one in charge and responsible. When you went off for a nap and he came woke you to ask what you were doing did you discuss him waking you for no reason?