To just wander off for 30 minutes with no word leaving my husband with our child?

All it takes is "I need to do X, are you ok for now?" to give me a chance to grab what I'm missing or go to the damn toilet before getting stuck!

This, really.

And as described above, if there really were two people equally responsible for minding the DC, you'd say something to the other person before leaving, for safety.

The fact that one parent doesn't feel the need to do this shows that they don't consider themselves to be equally responsible.

I knew from the thread title it'd be a reverse, never heard of a mum doing that.

Whats his background, is it kinda privileged?

No surprise that it was the husband who was negligent.

Judging by this thread many women do expect the woman to be the default parent.

OP I totally get this as I’m in the same boat.
DH just wanders off upstairs in the morning with a cup of coffee, or goes out for a run etc whereas I’m constantly on ‘duty’ I would love to just wander off back to bed with a coffee in the morning without having to ask if he will keep an eye on the kids.
Sorry not helpful answers, just solidarity x

💯

My DH did this. Not intentionally. It's mental load, you're making sure you know who is in charge of them and that they know it. Once I explained it to him like 'you are aware you just go to bathroom but I always say I'm off to bathroom you got baby?' He was very confused why I didn't just go. I was like well I need to know you have him and won't just walk out and leave him because you never seem to check! Message was recieved, he got much better.

This.

We "hand over" the toddler here. One person has designated responsibility at all times when the toddler is awake.

Waltzing out just assuming that someone else is watching them is how children end up at the bottom of swimming-pools or being brought back by the police because they've been found next to a busy road (if they're lucky).

I have a friend who went for a hair appointment leaving toddler twins with her husband, his father and her adult daughter. All three assumed that the others were watching the boy twin so no one noticed him let himself out the garden gate. My friend was greeted with 20 missed calls (she'd had her phone on silent) and the news that the police had been called when her appointment finished. Luckily her little one was brought home by a local shop owner who knew them shortly afterwards.

In all seriousness it sounds like he needs to communicate better but in reality, me and my OH spend most of our time taking it in turns to look after our children so the other one can do something productive. Just ask him what he wants to do that day, tell him what you want to do and make a childcare schedule that allows you to both achieve what you want.

Surely if your toddler is there you look after him/her. Dh tends to wander when out and about. I’ve never thought that’s my turn next then 😂 I do consider myself the better parent to be fair.

You need to wonder off first then!

The only way that could have happened is if one parent walked out and left the toddler alone, surely?

Of course not. Because no one should assume the other person is willing to be the only parent on point for an indeterminate period of time.

dh used to do this. Just leave the room. Announce he was going to run an errand.

I pointed out that if I just waltzed out of the room and started taking a shower without making sure dd was in a perfect mood and he was ready to take care of her, he wouldn’t be ok with that. That I absolutely could not just announce that I was running errands as I was picking up my keys and walking out the door.

I was breastfeeding, so it wasn’t completely balanced, but as long as I was tied to dd, there was no way I was going to be put in the position of default parent for all things.

I called him out on it every time he did it and it stopped.

We have a toddler. Dh and I wouldn't really have an issue with this but then I general we do things pretty equally and are both attentive enough that one of us could leave the room and the other would notice and be able to manage no problem.

I don't see an issue with this when it's in the same house and you can access them if you need their help. I agree with others that you need to make a point of taking time to yourself and if in your case that means you need to leave the house then you do that. If I were leaving the house I'd tell dh I'm popping out though.

DH and I are both so laid back we're horizontal, but we worked out early on to have one person #1 in charge of the children at all times, check and hand over if we were going to go and do anything (as a PP said, not nipping for a pee or making the the dinner and keeping half an eye on them)...more "I'm going out to the shed/ the veg garden/round the sheep fields/upstairs for a sleep/a shower, you've got them, OK" ...to avoid that stomach dropping "Where is she?" "I thought she was with you" "I thought she was with you" "When did you last see her?" panic.
It works well and in our house it's pretty even handed, DH is good about letting me know when he's going to do something, and also actively coming and picking up sentry duty again when he's back.

he needs to communicate more and stop assuming you’re the default parent, my husband was completely unaware that he was doing this when our daughter was a baby, used to piss me off as well. I talked to him about it, and he changed.

What a silly response.
In the situation OP was describing, the toddler is left on their own according to your advice.

This is the crux of it. OP wouldn't just walk out assuming the Dad would take over without communicating. But the Dad would.

With my DP, yes ofc. And I don’t tend to have to explain myself either. What a silly q.

One of my friends did this and the postman found the baby unaccompanied in the street as both parents assumed the other one had taken them.

I think it's bit weird that anyone, with a child or not, just wanders off without telling the people they are with where they are going. My DH used to do this but I've trained him out if it (lol). Use to do my head in, we'd be watching a film or something and he'd wander off. I'd just assume he was going to the loo or something then 30 mins later I'd suddenly realise he'd not come back, so I'd go and find him and he'd have started a job or made a phone call or had a nap or something while I was just sitting there waiting like a lemon. It's not about asking permission, he can do what he likes, just let me know what you are doing so I know and can plan around it and I'm not sitting around waiting for you. Just basic communication imo.

If you retaliate by mirroring the crap behaviour, you just lose the moral high ground. Next time he wanders off, go and find him. Hand your daughter to him. Walk away and take 30 minutes without saying anything. Repeat.

Was chatting with my cousin recently who has a new baby. He was saying how the wife doesn't let him go anywhere, he has to ask permission now! He was saying it in a humorous way. But the point is, he's hopeless and she's literally had to train him out of behaving like this until he's finally got the message.