To just wander off for 30 minutes with no word leaving my husband with our child?

People on here do this shit on purpose op. Everyone knows exactly what the issue is. No one would like it, and no one wants to be the default parent.

Honestly this place has gone to the dogs.

Both me and DH take an advantage of a quiet moment to slink away sometimes. I think it’s normal.

You just have to sometimes OP. Both mine would have starved if that were the case. My oldest was much harder work as a toddler but my DH works away so I had to make food prep and everything else life entails work.

^
I do this and I'm a woman. My DH has always said it's a bit rude - but he only really gets annoyed about it when we have guests over and I do it.

I just like to do my own thing tbh^ @MsCactus

Stop doing it then. It's inconsiderate. You don't have to give all the details but some indication to how far you'll be and how long you might take is really important.
Thank CV

I get it OP.

DH and I are in the trenches with small kids and a baby. I've not consciously thought about it before- but we both let each other know what we're doing. DH will ask 'is this a good time for me to mow the lawn' or I'll say 'we need milk. I'll take child A to the shops with me if you're ok with B and C'

It's also about reading the room and choosing the moment. If the baby is asleep and the older children are playing happily- that's a good time to go sand something in the garden. But swanning out whistling while all hell is breaking loose is a dick move.

It's not hard to communicate so the other parent knows when the end is in sight.

@MsCactus

I like to do my own thing too. I'm very introverted and need a lot of time on my own. I don't shy away from saying I'm off out for a bit, or I'm away for a lie down or whatever. But I'd never just stand up and walk out leaving someone wondering where on earth I was.

Now, we have a small home and no one needs permission to just walk about, pottering, doing whatever they need to do: it's pretty obvious where everyone is. I was previously in an abuse relationship where I couldn't so much as leave the room without some grand announcement. Bollocks to that.

But it is rude, when you have young children, to unannounced just go and soak in the bath for a half hour without saying, or wander off for a sleep, or leave the house to run an errand. It's polite to let each other know. Neither person should be left feeling like the default parent while the other one waltzes about oblivious.

Announce you're going for a lie down, stuff your bed with pillows, then climb out the window and get to your nearest pre-booked B&B/Travelodge. After at least a couple of hours of 'napping', turn your mobile on and 'sleepily' explain that you're catching up on some much needed sleep and didn't think to let 'dp' know as that's what he does, so no problem.

You'll be back in the morning, after you wake up and possibly have a feed, and that if DP had called 911, police, etc, my parents and my many friends in some sort of panic; they were overreacting and being rather dramatic as I'd only gone for an an announced nap.

Win, win OP.

@Youcancallmeirrelevant

thats what I SAID.

but one of you still needs to be responsible for them. You cannot both just fuck off & do your own thing without checking the other one is supervising.

except he does because he takes it for granted she will be supervising & that's not fair.

I do this and I'm a woman. My DH has always said it's a bit rude - but he only really gets annoyed about it when we have guests over and I do it.

I just like to do my own thing tbh

I do this and I'm the mum. My DH doesn't mind. Admittedly he wanders off and leaves me with the toddler less than I do, but I've always wandered off like this to go do stuff without a word, even pre kids

Do you always need two parents to watch your DC?

@FrangipaniBlue

The point is that the OPs DH DOESN'T "say" anything...,,, she just turns around and he's gone!!

Yes that's my point: it's rude.

It's also rude even if they didn't have children. Imagine wandering around your house not knowing where your husband is because he wandered off to the shops without saying anything? Totally bizarre behaviour from any adult.

The point is that the OPs DH DOESN'T "say" anything...,,, she just turns around and he's gone!!

If you’ve told him how you feel and it’s not changing then you need to set up a specific system with boundaries / guidelines so that you don’t end up the default parent all the time.

So I assume your preference is similar to the ‘tagging out’ approach mentioned by a previous poster - ie just a quick check in before disappearing for more than a quick wee with a rough timeframe for each other - going to lie down for 30 mins, going outside to cut the lawn for an hour etc.

If your DH can’t manage to work with that system then you’ll have to go more structured with your share of the parenting duties so that you each get a portion of time over the weekend where you are not the default parent - at least then you’ll have some guaranteed recuperation time so will feel less irritated by the wandering off moments.

How on earth can you not go to the toilet or make food because you're in charge of a toddler?

I don't recognise any of this. I have an older toddler so he's at the stage of just pottering about playing with his toys or "helping" us as we get stuff done around the house. But unless we're doing something as a family, we take turns Saturday and Sunday morning as to who's taking him out somewhere. And if we're all at home and either one of us wants to do something we just say "I'm off for a nap", or "I'm going for a shower" or "I need to pop out to the shops, do you want anything?"

All of this is just being polite to each other.

OP I get you, my DH does this. I've had a couple of (tearful) conversations with him about it and it has gotten better thankfully. It was pure thoughtlessness on his part, not malice. He just didn't think that him going about his day without checking in me or dc meant I couldn't go to the toilet or make food and that I was 'on' the whole day. When I asked him if he was with dc on his own if he could go to the toilet or make lunch without running after dc he realised how unfair it was. He still forgets sometimes but he makes an effort now to let me know before if he's doing something that's time consuming.

My DH did this, not so much in the house but out and about. So if we were shopping with the kids he would wander off for ages to go and look at something without telling me, and leave me with the kids. And this is how we lost DS in the Trafford Centre, because DH did his wandering off trick without telling me, and I assumed DS was with him because he wasn't with me 😡

He also did it at social occasions where he would disappear to go socialise and leave me with the baby and children so I couldn't socialise uninterrupted, which was fucking dull.

I hear you completely OP.
Mine used to do this. But I don't think he realised the impact it had on me.
I felt like it was assumed that I would always be around and therefore he didn't need to "check in" or out actually.
I grumbled for a bit and he got better, the kids are older now and can be left unattended (with the telly) if I need a shower or something.
It's common courtesy I think.
We have a system now and we say 'tagging out' which means that the other person has responsibility for the kids. And that can be for showers/ stupidly long man poos. Anything.
It might sound cumbersome but it works for us. We don't do it all the time but it kind of prevents us from both assuming the other one has an ear out for the kids.
Hope you get it sorted.

Ignore the ignorant.

You are...

I do this. I have two dc and have always just gone off and done whatever or had a nap. Dh does the same. We are aware enough that each of us would know that we need to watch the dc and notice that the other was out of the room. We wouldn't just assume. We did as others have said and often left toddlers alone in toddler proof rooms while we pottered around in ear shot. We did not sit together 24/7. We are and were always doing something in the house together or separate. Dc are slightly older now and are able to be left alone for a while so it's not the sane but we still each wander off from time to time without saying anything. Also our house is open plan and not massive so we would kind of know where the other one was. 99% if the time it's actually me napping or in the garden so dh knows where to find me. He would just come out with child and chat or whatever. I really think it depends on your situation and relationship

Really? Do you actually think he'd walk off and leave the child alone if he was in sole charge?