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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to throw in my job to live in France for a year?

180 replies

Puppalicious · 06/04/2024 17:05

My DH is always complaining about where we live (the weather, the day to day slog) and he is desperate to move (either to the country, or to another country). He has now become absolutely adamant that he wants to move to France for a year “for an adventure”. This would involve me giving up my job, which he says I haven’t been happy in recently. I have been struggling at times recently, because of various factors, and he says I’m obsessed with it do the detriment of my family, it is stressful but ultimately it’s well-paid, senior, my boss is fine and it works ok with my kids given it’s full-time and senior (flexible, short commute, hybrid). It’s far from guaranteed I could find job similar when I come back (could be less well paid, less senior (I like working at this level) or longer and less flexible hours with demanding clients or indeed I could struggle to get a job. He says we could live off our savings but we have 3 kids to put through college, the youngest of whom has just started school and we are not young. At the same time, we only live once and it does feel a bit samey. He is putting me under pressure, but would AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 06/04/2024 17:31

He’s being a selfish dick. It’s pathetic really. Your poor kids.

Say no.

Puppalicious · 06/04/2024 17:31

Yeah, he thinks the children will adapt…but that amount of disruption for one year seems crazy.

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 06/04/2024 17:31

Puppalicious · 06/04/2024 17:25

We’re not British, eu citizens with total free movement.

You need to check that you can return to the UK after a year away. You’ll need jobs paying above a set threshold before you arrive.

Puppalicious · 06/04/2024 17:30

I can’t work abroad with my current job could perhaps look for a new job that I could (ie that has a tax base abroad). That could be a compromise solution, my career is important to me. My eldest really really doesn’t want to move to France but he never wants to go anywhere! My DH is really not even thinking of difficulties re schools.

OP posts:
Lalupalina · 06/04/2024 17:29

There was a time for travelling and living the free life. That time is not when your married with 3 kids and jobs

Exactly my view too. Travelling and moving abroad are great 1) before children or 2) when they've left home and you're 'free' again. Please don't disrupt their education.

Starfish1021 · 06/04/2024 17:29

He is being incredibly selfish. I wouldn’t be entertaining this at all. Plan a longer holiday/negotiate for extra unpaid leave. It will be much more fun and less disruptive.

Lalupalina · 06/04/2024 17:27

It would disrupt your children's schooling, especially trying to slot back into the UK system after being away for a year. I honestly would wait until they've finished their education.

Puppalicious · 06/04/2024 17:25

We’re not British, eu citizens with total free movement.

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Bendrix · 06/04/2024 17:25

No. Tbh your DH is being really selfish. He needs to grow up. There was a time for travelling and living the free life. That time is not when your married with 3 kids and jobs

ButterCrackers · 06/04/2024 17:24

So this is a holiday rather than moving to France? Will you be home schooling your kids as you won’t be residents? What about healthcare insurance for a long holiday? Are you both British as well as having an EU passport? If not can you still come back to the UK after 12months away if you don’t have jobs and above the earnings threshold for non British partners.

Puppalicious · 06/04/2024 17:23

He has not thought through any practical things. He is not a very practical person. I have historically been the breadwinner - certainly the more stable job which was a life saver during Covid - but he’s self-employed and doing v well at the moment, roughly the same as me I think. He reckons he could pick up work in France or maybe fly back for jobs and we could otherwise live off our savings. At the same time he would not at all be happy to support me as a one income family as he says I would be a terrible housewife (in fairness I would, chronically messy and crap at household organisation).

OP posts:
Lalupalina · 06/04/2024 17:23

Puppalicious · 06/04/2024 17:19

I don’t know what I can suggest that could satisfy his need for something different! He never got the chance to move to live abroad, he says now is his last chance. He’s had (and does) have plenty of travel as it is - think 3-4 city breaks and holidays a year.

Why last chance?

The best time for couples to travel and move away is when their children have finished their schooling and are off to Uni etc. Ideally you'd be thinking of retiring then too.

bellezarara · 06/04/2024 17:23

Tell him you are not jeopardising your well paid job, career prospects, pension and savings for his mid-life crisis. If he wants to go, he can crack on but you and dc will not be moving.

Don’t be nice anymore, shut this down now.

Em2ds1dd · 06/04/2024 17:23

As your job is hybrid could you continue from France and return to UK every 2-3 weeks for several days in the office? I know 2 people who have done that.

Cherrysoup · 06/04/2024 17:21

You can’t just go to live in France if you’re a UK citizen. There’s a delightful new rule of (I think, need someone more knowledgeable to come along) 6 weeks which has properly screwed those with holiday/retirement homes there. If you want to live there, you need various steps, including a language test/citizenship thing. Saying that, the Schengen rules probably apply if you have an EU country passport-does he? And the kids? Do they speak French? The 11 year old will probably resent a move and find it hard.

Much as I’d love it, I’d say hard no due to potentially screwing your career.

Puppalicious · 06/04/2024 17:20

Our last was a late baby so we will be very old by the time they are off to college ☹️

OP posts:
Puppalicious · 06/04/2024 17:19

I don’t know what I can suggest that could satisfy his need for something different! He never got the chance to move to live abroad, he says now is his last chance. He’s had (and does) have plenty of travel as it is - think 3-4 city breaks and holidays a year.

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GrumpyPanda · 06/04/2024 17:19

Absolutely batshit. And I've lived in half a dozen countries over the years.

Lalupalina · 06/04/2024 17:18

Wait until you're retiring and the kids are off to Uni/living by themselves.

PlasticOno · 06/04/2024 17:18

Not unless I wanted to do it too, and you don’t.

Olika · 06/04/2024 17:17

So how is your DH thinking of financing this year of adventure? What does he think happens when you come back? Has he actually thought of all practical things?

Lalupalina · 06/04/2024 17:17

No way!

Not until your children have finished their schooling!

When your kids have left home is the perfect time to move abroad.

Katjeopdemat · 06/04/2024 17:17

You might be fine in France for a year - although the French school system would be a nasty shock to your 4 and 11 DCs, but I think the big adventure would more likely to be when you come back and try to slot back into your UK lives.

GreatGateauxsby · 06/04/2024 17:15

Hard no from me.
Are you the bread winner?

Job market is not great you have 3 kids and their schooling to think of.

RawBloomers · 06/04/2024 17:15

YANBU to say no. All the things you are concerned about are real issues that could make your life, long term, significantly less fun.

Sounds like mid-life crisis time for him, though. So finding something that suits both his yearn for something different and your desire not to lose what you have (and any desire for something different that you have too) is probably needed.