SIL got me a Christmas present - DH knew I didn't want it - Still annoying me 5 years later.

I don't think other people can tell you how you should be feeling about this.

You felt hurt that your husband chose to put your SIL's feelings above yours, at a time when you were emotionally vulnerable and you haven't been able to get over it.

It's not petty at all because it's caused a deep wound that won't heal. Are there things your husband does that trigger these feelings from the past event?

I think you have this the wrong way around, tbh. It is not the case that a minor irritant from five years ago has caused your mental health issues to recur. It is a recurrence of the mental health issues which is causing you to fixate on minor events. The thing to address is the underlying mood issues, not some old nonsense with a wedding album

This is absolutely spot on.

OP what does your care plan look like now? Are you seeing someone to help you?

With respect you’re assuming he’s ashamed - he’s never said that. You seem to be projecting how you feel about it on to him.
Again as someone whose been in a similar situation to him, loving partners never feel shame, only worry and concern.

I would have been pissed off, but I would have let it go by now.

I have worked so hard with continual work to get better there is no magic pill. But thinking about this has brought it all right back to the surface.

I think you have this the wrong way around, tbh. It is not the case that a minor irritant from five years ago has caused your mental health issues to recur. It is a recurrence of the mental health issues which is causing you to fixate on minor events. The thing to address is the underlying mood issues, not some old nonsense with a wedding album.

Instead of still brooding about this five years later get yourself into therapy to work on the deeper issue which is that you snd your dh don’t understand each other. He doesn’t see “what the fuss is about” and you feel betrayed and abandoned by him and his decision to prioritize your SIL’s feelings over yours.

Its both sad and frightening that the two of you have such different takes on what must have been a tremendously difficult time: you were hospitalized, you were keeping it secret, you were a new bride, you wanted to memorialize your wedding yourself. He allowed his sister to take your place/take over your bride’s task, against your wishes, and more or less said that her feelings were more important than yours thus reminding you that you had been hospitalized and weren’t there to fight your corner perhaps the whole thing made you feel vulnerable as “out of sight out of mind.”

If in your heart you feel he was disloyal snd is unreliable you need to act. Bit if you can see he may just have made a poor decision then you need to work to let it go.

But it made me feel so incredibly unimportant, so worthless, un heard, irrelevant, insignificant.

FGS woman get some perspective!! Look what your OH supported you through! He turned up every week, at your request hid from loved ones the truth about what was happening and you’ve decided the above based on a book.

Her making one doesn’t mean you can’t, so I can see where he was coming from.

You only said to him that you wanted to make your own and that you didn’t want her to make one. But common sense dictates you can make one even if she does.

So he probably saw it as a win win, don’t upset SIL and you can still make your own.

It was also probably a very tough time for him as well as you, I think your existing MH issues are probably blowing this way out of proportion. P

I think continuing on the point about being a partner supporting an OH with MH issues - by the very nature of what they suffer from, people with severe depression are (through no fault of their own) often self centered, can’t see how things affect other people and have tunnel vision when it comes to their illness. I learned long ago to tell DH when he gets like this, and how unfair it is on everyone else. Tiptoeing around the problems is mostly futile and I do think people with severe MH issues, as much as they suffer, need to realise this and how it affects their loved ones

You're being very silly. Make your own if it matters that much to you.

I do get where you're coming from.

Has there been lots of things like this or is this the only thing?

He sounds like a people pleaser and as a pp said, they end up pleasing no one.

For reasons I can’t quite articulate I’d find it overstepping if someone wanted to “do” a wedding album for me (maybe because how you think you look in photos and the parts of the day you want to remember most are both very personal - it would be someone else deciding how many formal photos, how many pics of the evening do etc).

That said SIL didn’t know how you felt about it and offered out of kindly motives. You really have a DH problem that he couldn’t even say “that’s really sweet and I know you are very good at this but OP has been looking forward to doing it herself.”

Since it still bugs you I’d treat yourself to copies of all the photos and your own album and do it how you want. I speak from a similar (ish) experience when someone asked what I wanted for Christmas, asked for and was given a specific link and then bought their preferred version of the same item, which was more expensive and not what I wanted. It bugged me every time I looked at it until I replaced it. Such a waste of money and frustrating in many ways but life’s too short to spend your whole life not looking at your own wedding album (and I think after 5 years you aren’t just going to get over it as PP have suggested).

Fucking hell the poor guy made a small mistake years ago at a horrific time in his life - never mind he supported OP through hospitalisation, kept it all a secret at her request etc, he deserves to be left because of a tiny error 5 years ago.

Jesus Christ, over reaction much?

It's not a competition over who he doesn't want to upset the most!
Just because he chose not to upset her as she chose what she believed was a thoughtful gift doesn't mean he feels any less about you. Maybe you could challenge yourself to perceive it from a different perspective.

I'd be so annoyed about this. You clearly needed him on side and he didn't care. I'm amazed you haven't left him

It's a strange thing to dwell on for years. Maybe he raised it and she was already halfway through and he didn't want her to have wasted her time, it didn't stop you doing your own exactly as you wanted. Given you were hospitalised at the time he probably thought it unnecessary to cause a fuss with his sister over something that would have such little impact. It's not like she named your first born or tattooed his forehead, her book starts in the cupboard, you do yours.
He hasn't chosen her over you, because there's not a significant reason for you to be upset about this.

What is the actual reason why you didn't want the album has your dh had an affair?

In the kindest way - have you ever considered that your husband maybe contributing to your MH problems? His behaviour by not prioritising your feelings shows an immense amount of inconsideration, especially when you had just come out of hospital. I wouldn’t be surprised if he does lots of other similar things to prioritise others over you. You are not being unreasonable expecting him to make your feelings his number 1 priority.

OK OP I’m going to speak from the POV from a partner whose OH has complex MH issues arisen from PTSD resulting from serving in a war and seeing many friends die.

Its so hard for my DH and he has depressive and destructive spells, and it is of course very hard for you for whatever reasons you have.

But the supporting partners are people whose needs, whose requirement to bumble along and make the best of bad situations, to manage outside relationships and explain to family member and friends why OH can’t come to places/isn’t in the right place for even a phone call etc - is thankless exhausting work that is more often than not taken for granted by everybody. We are expected to be the supporters, that’s fine - I love my DH enough to take on that burden (and yes it is a burden at times but that’s life and love) - but to expect perfection from partners, for them never to make a cock up, for them to not balance everybody’s feelings in a tough situation, is a totally and completely unreasonable expectation.

No bugger ever trains the partners of people experiencing MH issues in how to do everything right. We start by winging it, we learn, learn some more but are always largely winging it and hoping for the best. And our own MH issues that arise from the support takes a firm second place - so we also have that to contend with in the background.

I love my DH and what I get out our marriage trumps the downsides, and then some. But if he was still causing rows about an insignificant so-called blip I made 5 years ago when I was trying to support him at his lowest, going through absolute hell myself, navigating having to be respectful of everyone’s wishes and keeping it all quiet from people as my own MH deteriorated (as I’m sure your OHs did even if he didn’t say it at the time) - he’d be getting told to go fuck himself and get over it.

Im happy to be in this with him and support his MH ups and downs, but I sure as hell ain’t being guilt tripped for not being perfect at all times.

and that he 'would have to hurt someone's feelings' so he choose to hurt my feelings.

He offered to burn it.

So when you told him you were hurt he said tough you didn't matter (enough) but then went all dramatic and DAVRO'd you? Yep that would sting a lot.

Has he had your back since then or stopped doing these dramatic things?

yes perhaps he thought it was a nice present for her to do op
agree,
let it go,
go and knead some bread and let the anger our

I was just about to say similar. She did what she thought was a nice thing and your DH probably wasn't thinking clearly at the time. You've got a nice wedding album that someone who loves you put a lot of effort into making. If you don't like it then redo the album, or get the photos reprinted and make a new one. You could have done this years ago without all the angst and upset.

I’m guessing he just didn’t realise how upset you’d be and it was hard to tell his sister no?

I would let it go. I think he just chose the easiest option.