SIL got me a Christmas present - DH knew I didn't want it - Still annoying me 5 years later.

I think its more that OP was in a hospital recieving help with mental health & planned her wedding album as something she could look forward to doing hence asking her husband to wait for her.

The SIL should have been told when she requested the photos that it was already being organised & to please pick/organise another gift if she wanted to arrange secret Santa

The sister in law probably thought she was "helping" OP feel better by focusing on something good when in reality it had already been discussed & agreed (by the bride & groom in the pictures) that they would wait.

OP's husband was bang out of line to dismiss the agreement & opt to help SIL with the gift by handing over the photos as his wife was in hospital anyway so couldnt complain or demand differently & I would 100% feel differently about my husband & his family if id been in the same position even though it was purely the husbands fault

I would just forget it and get on with life. Too much drama. 🙄

Telling someone who has suffered serious MH issues, enough to be hospitalised to "get a grip", is appalling.

The album is a trigger for her, back to that time when she was in hospital for her MH. Stop being so dismissive of her feelings and obvious trigger.

Just redo it yourself so you can move on, and unless you are reusing the same photos, you don’t even need to tell her you redid it. If she asks for it just say you don’t feel comfortable as your wedding photos are personal.

Honestly this. So she was already doing it and given what was going on with you, he didn't want to now go and upset her because she already started it. Then you come out and make a deal of something given what was happening? You could make your own, bigger, better and not even display hers.

I don't think it's about the album. I think it's that, at the most vulnerable moment in your life, your husband chose to prioritise his sister's feelings over yours. I can see that being upsetting.

Oh dear. From where I am, it seems like you’ve had a massively disproportionate reaction to this. His intention wasn’t to hurt you. Are you jealous of your SIL? I can’t understand it. I’m sorry you’re sad but it comes across as very immature. You’re going to have worse things than this to deal with in life. Give him a break before he leaves you and that bloody album is all you have left of him! Sorry but you need to get a grip (in the nicest way).

It sounds as if your DH really thought it wouldn't matter who did the wedding album. Maybe even that it would be helpful for you to have it done and you could always do your own if you wanted. I don't think he thought he was putting your SiL's feelings ahead of yours and he still hasn't taken on board that is HOW YOU FEEL. Does he have an "Of course you know I love you" attitude in general? I am sorry you are still struggling with these feelings from what was obviously a very difficult time for you both.

You're going to have to tear that album up and re do your own.

SiL was trying to be kind and DH should have told her no.

As things stand it's a trigger and needs to be got rid of. SiL doesn't have to know. If she does, thfn DH can explain

Or msybe OP can state that as lovely as it was znd however kind a gesture it was, DH should have told her that you wanted something else.

Tell your SIL, her Dear Brother burnt it 😂

In all seriousness though, I get it. He didn't even give your feelings a second thought, even though you'd specified that was not what you would want. That was completely thoughtless of him.

You were at an incredibly vulnerable and fragile time in your life, and you needed him to support you. By giving his sister the photos, this was against your wishes, so unsupportive.

It's irrelevant that you can do your own album, that's not the point here.

I completely understand why the album would be triggering, and has caused arguments.

The album is just a trigger. There’s an association between the book and the intense feelings you had during a very difficult time. It’s easy to sometimes feel that a minor issue is much more important than it actually is, because it’s triggering you. It’s important to separate the two, and work on your feelings and memories around the time of your hospitalisation, preferably with a therapist.

Im sure your DP wouldn’t have realised you’d take it to heart so much. In his mind he probably thought that he could let his sister make the album (keeping her happy) and then you could take those pictures and make your own album (keeping you happy).

@ChattingwiththeTrees is spot on! I think an internal family systems approach would be great for OP. At sny rate it is completely wrong to invalidate her feelings especially when she has disclosed early abandonment and trauma experiences in which invalidation played a large part.

Just bin the book then you never have to think about it again. Why hold onto something that makes you so unhappy.

Spend the time making yourself the album that you want and then get on with your life.

Erm, her husband stole her photos she'd been planning to use for it?

Seems like a lot of PPs (who are having a go at you for overreacting and telling you to get over it) have no understanding how trauma lives in the body and can hijack someone’s whole nervous system, thoughts and feelings. This is obviously not about the book, nor the SILs kindness.

At the OP’s most vulnerable moment, a thought of something she could look forward to, to give a little solace in the darkness, was treated as insignificant by her husband. As Yamuvva says, he was also stuck in an extremely challenging situation and made the call to spare his sister’s feelings.

The way through this that leads to healing for both parties and a healthier marriage is for mutual compassionate, empathic listening. For each to fully validate the other’s experience and to continually address triggers that come up in the relationship that bring these old wounds to the surface, which they will again and again regardless of good intentions. These wounds are huge OP!! My heart goes out to you for such a painful childhood. I just wish I could gather your child self up and give her the biggest hug and tell her what a special gift she is to the world and that she deserves so much better. She deserves so much love 💗💗💗

I think the most problematic thing is that your DH does not want to talk about feelings, therefore requiring you to bury them as much as possible and wondering/guessing what is really going on for him. If that’s not going to change it will be very difficult for you to mutually support each other and for you to heal. Would you consider getting into therapy, both for yourself individually and as a couple?

I have found understanding and working with the ‘Internal Family Systems’ approach incredibly helpful 🙏
https://ifs-institute.com/

I’m so sorry OP, for how much you must be hurting inside. Wishing you healing and freedom xx

I'm sure he thought you would be pleased with it when you saw it and it would cheer you up. She had made up her mind to do it, had done it for other people and thought she would do a good job and no doubt thought you would be thrilled. If she had already put a lot of work into it I can also see why it wouldn't have been easy for him to say no.

No one on here heard the actual conversation of you not wanting her to do it, but he may not have taken in the full extent of your positive hatred of her doing it and your very strong desire to do it yourself. Had he realised you would still be upset years later I'm sure he would have stopped it.

It sounds as if you are projecting how little control you felt at that point in your life onto this issue.

The two levels of "hurt" are not equivalent. Telling someone that the time and effort they put into a gift is unwanted is a lot worse than someone getting a gift that isn't what they wanted. The only real consequence to you is that you didn't get some chocolates/candle whatever else she might have bought. However, you did get a sign she cared and even arranged the SS around you.

You are clearly loved and cared about, time to move on.

To put it bluntly - yes her feelings are valid but it’s a massive over reaction and it’s not her DH’s problem that she hasn’t got over it. He can’t turn back time, he has been supportive then and since and this is a mountain out of a molehill.
YOU are also dismissing them in a big way. He created the problem by telling her he was deliberately choosing to hurt her - who the hell says that? Most of us would apologise profusely instead.

And how do you know how supportive he's been since then? You don't.

Honestly, I'd bin the blasted thing. Then you won't have to see it even accidentally. Make your own one in your own time.
(i reckon the PP who said she was already doing it when your DH broached the subject with you was spot on. So he couldn't then ask her to refrain.)

It sounds like she’d already done it and he chose not to upset her because she’d put a lot of effort in.

That’s different to not upsetting her because she wanted to do it, but hasn’t yet.

In his shoes I’d have not said anything to her but warned you in advance and agreed to just put it in the back of a cupboard.

see the above post about how her MH issues are likely blowing small things out of proportion, not the other way around

To put it bluntly - yes her feelings are valid but it’s a massive over reaction and it’s not her DH’s problem that she hasn’t got over it. He can’t turn back time, he has been supportive then and since and this is a mountain out of a molehill.

OP I imagine he didn’t want you or him to be subjected to horrible comments from people who didn’t understand at a tough time. There are family members who don’t know about my DH’s problem because they’re idiots who would only tell him to cheer up, and they’re don’t deserve to come into our world like that.

OP if I were you I would prioritise seeing someone and being able to speak to someone as it sounds like you are beginning to spiral and may not realise it

Why are you dismissing her feelings? Her feelings are valid.

OP - why have these feelings resurfaced again? Has something else happened recently to make you feel a similar way? It might be time to explore, with a decent therapist, why you are feeling like this again.