To be upset by DS being removed from group chat

I disagree. Bullying is much easier behind a screen.

Bullying has always extended beyond the reach of the school grounds, with the existence of even old style phones. Part of parenting is teaching your child not to be available/online 24/7. That said, I wouldn't necessarily say that removing someone from a WhatsApp group is always bullying - people add and remove folk all the time.

@KeinLiebeslied54321 difference with group chats is that bullying can be 24/7 now and in effect in your own home not just in school grounds

Definitely- bullying has always happened, there are just different ways to do it nowadays.

If you're going to give them access to SM then you need to support them in navigating this. That means helping your DS build resilience to deal with this online behaviour as you would offline behaviour. Ask him how would he deal with it if it was in person? How could he resolve it? If others are kicking him out, does he actually want to be on a group chat where that happens regularly and kids are on eggshells wondering if they'll be next - it is a form of relational bullying? (Some kids do love the drama of it all, it can feel exciting to them.) Or could he set up his own group chat with his own close friends who don't do this and it's a more positive experience?

When you say about him 'beaming' at being added, I would work on why he needs that approval so much from kids who don't seem to value his friendship. My kids are late teens, been through this, one didn't stay long in the big group WhatsApp because he couldn't stand the behaviour so just has a much smaller group with friends for gaming. The other had a lot of issues (they are ND so was much trickier to navigate) and after a lot of talking it through deleted themselves off the group chat but stayed in contact with a few trusted individuals - they were much happier for it.

Your poor DS. I hope soon he’ll be part of a friendship group where he’s included and knows it. It’s hard now but in the long run, you don’t want him to be apart of a friendship group who don’t value him and for him to be excluded. My heart does ache for him though, so nasty especially with no explanation.

The Y6 group chat in DS’s class got quite toxic. DS wasn’t on it, and I worried at first he might be missing out, but when some of the chat got quite explicit I was glad he wasn’t.

feel sick reading this as it brought back memories of my DC . He would be added and then the messages of ‘who the fuck added him’ and then kicked out. Added back in and kicked. He left the friendship group but it did hurt him. I was feeling the same way as you. I think it’s a power struggle tbh and they always want someone to ‘pick on’ so they don’t get picked on themselves. Horrible .

I have to say as a mum of a nearly 11yo who is starting secondary school in september, the parents who smugly think they’re doing their kids a favour by not getting them a smart phone actually should know they’re hindering them. I recently had a mum try to shame me over this (in a group conversation about the kids WhatsApp groups, I mentioned DD was part of the year 6 group, which BTW are mostly full of GIFs and stupid pointless posts like just the words “LeBron James” or “Renaldo!!”) saying “Oh I am not letting Emily get WhatsApp or a phone, I hear those groups are awful and full of swearing, I can’t imagine what parent would allow their child to have it”.

Year 6 is a game changer, not least because it’s the point where schools (well schools I know of) allow children to walk to and from school, and this is something of a gateway to more independence. I got DD a phone when I knew she’d be doing this, and they naturally get to a place where they make arrangements with their mates via What’sApp groups. She will now say “I’m going swimming on Saturday with Lucy and Freya” or similar because they all arranged it together on WhatsApp. same for walking to and from school, which they all enjoy. Without meaning to it means those without phones or access to WhatsApp Miss out as they aren’t contactable about these things.

Also they’re staring big school soon - I used to work in a school and the new year 7 kids who’d never had an ounce of independence, who’d never had the experience of arranging things with their mates and had been coddled and protected from things like that stood out like sore thumbs, and they did to older kids too looking a bit of prey with the new kids .

At the end of the day my Dd is nearly 11, about to embark on her journey to becoming an adult. Witnessing a bit of unpleasantness on a WhatsApp group will not kill her and I don’t think shielding her from it is helpful or productive. It’s just a life lesson albeit a not very nice one and you just have to hope they aren’t too heavily involved or they have some good mates to fall back on when the horrible ones start funny business

DS gets added to lots of group chats and I delete him from them.

They are a war zone. He's better off not on the group chats. Bless him though, if he wants to be on them, it's really hard. Just say to him you've heard that the group chats are often like this and you think it's best for him not to be on them at the minute anyway.

I remember a similar thing happening to my DS in year 7. It's awful to watch as a parent. The good news is that, a few years later, my DS has a good group of loyal friends and a nice girlfriend. It took him a little while to get there but he's really happy now. I hope for the same for your DS.

Yes and then they will get bullied for having a rubbish basic phone.

You can't win.

Mum of grown up teenagers here, been there and done that, got the flipping t-shirt.

This is why 11yo’s shouldn’t have smart phones. There are phones they can use for emergencies if travelling to/from school by themselves or what not. They can make calls to emergency services and a few preprogrammed numbers. Get one of those and save this drama.

i let my then 11 year old have a phone and instantly regretted it, the bullying he encountered in school was now being brought home, home was no longer a safe space. I have been much more vigilant with my 13 year old and will be with my 9 year old when the time comes.

My eldest is now 16 and he is still bullied via WhatsApp. It is a constant source of trouble. I agree that your son should create a group with just his good friends and sod the nasty ones

Why is he on WhatsApp in the first place? So much drama at such a young age. They are really not mature enough to deal with the emotions that group chats, social media and other such nonsense throws up these days.

I agree that it's a red herring to blame group chats for bullying.

WAp groups or whatever comes next are their life. They just need to be savvy about it all. Leave groups they added to etc

I think phones and WhatsApp are just different vehicles for the bullies, and if only nice kids were on this group this wouldn’t happen.

God I fucking hate WhatsApp group drama. My almost 11yo is in one that she never posts in but I monitor it all and this goes on a lot by the same nasty bullies who are equally horrible in school. I’d tell him to start his own with friends he likes and trusts.

Yes I can remember this stage . Kids are frequently added deleted got basically nothing .

It is harsh but you just have to let him find his way through

11 and 12 year olds are rarely mature enough to cope with having smart phones.

This exact same thing happened to my 14 year old daughter a few weeks before Easter. She was very very upset and it was so hard seeing her like that and not being able to do anything.

I do think phones and WhatsApp groups are to blame, never had any of this sh1te when I was at school.

Agree with @TiberiusFlam
Yr6 and Yr7 WAp groups are just like that. Someone sets up a group, they add people. Admin isn't mates with a child and just removed them. They get added back. New groups set up and on it goes. Don't over think it.

When they first get WhatsApp this is all they do. Oh and send 7,625,738 gifs to each other. Honestly don't read too much into it and give the same message to DS - it doesn't mean anything and he certainly shouldn't link his 'worth' to which chats he's in / not at any one point.

This kind of thing happens all the time when my son was that age- people adding and deleting each other. I am a safeguarding lead in a primary school and it’s the same with our kids too. I would support your son in not letting it get to him too much.