Why are some MIL so bad?

Go on Gransnet...

You will hear more MiL stories because of the demographics on here.

I've had two mother-in-law's and one was just fine, just a normal person.

The second one was absolutely wonderful she was so kind and gracious and I think she was just happy to have her son married off before she passed away from cancer.

It was other in-laws who turned out to be vile racist a holes.

A friend of mine has a beautiful DS, which has a fairly uncommon name (a quick google suggests it’s not in the top 500 in 2023) - but not ‘unique’ if that makes sense… sort of name an author would name a character if trying to be quirky…. her MIL has gone MC with them due to the name…

So are you intentionally looking up anything you can find on bad MILs on any platform.? How about googling nice MILs. You will find plenty there too.

Some are nice, some are average, some are awful, but if there are awful MILs, it's almost always mums of sons. I only know women who have issues with their MIL. I don't know a single man who does. Anecdata of course, but I am saying what I see.

It used to be a running joke some 40+ years ago that men didn't like their mother-in-law, and mother-in-law jokes were rife. I think they must have been banter/tongue-in-cheek, because every man I have ever known gets on well with their mother-in-law.

Conversely, I know loads of women who do NOT get on with them. They find them to be harsh and critical, and act like the daughter-in-law can't do a thing right. And no woman is good enough for their little Prince! I know half a dozen women whose MILs were awful to them, and they tolerated it for a few years, and then snapped. 4 have gone NC with them. So has the husband/MIL's son.

I think these MILS do (deep down) fear losing their son, as the old adage 'a daughter is a daughter for the whole of your life, a son is a son til he gets a wife' is quite prevalent with some people. A couple's life often leans towards the woman's family and parents, moreso than the man's.

JMO. But I think some mothers of sons fear losing their son, and act all weird and possessive, and hyper critical of their son's wife, (as no woman is ever good enough for her son!) and it ends up alienating the son and his wife. I have NEVER seen this happen with mums of daughters. They always get on with the son-in-law. No mother I know has ever feared losing her daughter to her daughter's husband's family and parents. And I have never known one act all possessive over her daughter(s.) I am sure it happens. I have just personally never known it to.

JMO based on the experience of many people I know. And I know not ALL mothers of sons are like this, but they are more likely to be than mothers of daughters. My mother-in-law was OK; a bit outspoken and bossy, but OK, and she seemed to be OK with her son being with me! But she died 2 years after me and DH got married. (And before we had our kids.) I don't know how she would have been as the years rolled on/after we had kids. (2 daughters!)

I always tell my DS that when he has a serious partner, remember what I am telling him now - put her first and side with her over me, always, not matter what I might say when the time comes.

So he should always agree with her, and always let her have her own way? Even if she's foul or treats you badly?
No. That's a stupid thing to say to anyone, of either sex or in any kind of relationship.

I had a great relationship with my in-laws.

Then I had their first grandchild….

Can't say it better than this first response.
We are all individuals and there are no more MiLs that are "bad" than there are DiLs that behave badly.

Wow. Bad experience @TwigletsAndRadishes ?!
I read far more horrible MIL stories on here than I do DIL stories

What an odd response.
You asked a question, got a very sensible answer in the very first post, then start criticising.

That's because if anyone dared criticise a DIL on here, they'd be very unlikely to get an objective hearing. So they don't.

I think the MIL thing is a bit of a stereotype. My MIL was a really lovely lady it was my own DM who was a narcissistic nightmare - though obviously she was my DH's MIL so the stereotype applied in that case. At the end of the day all sorts of relatives can be nice or nasty.

My MIL was ok, if rather old fashioned 50s housewife, never worked after marriage. Very different from my mum, who despite being a little older had a career and never seemed stuck in the past.
I have however been shocked by an aunt of mine and a friend/former colleague who both morphed into MILs from hell. My aunt apparently became overbearingly obsessive and possessive with the grandchildren, and would turn up uninvited to where they were on holiday. At first this would be cottages in the UK but my cousin cut contact for a while when my aunt and uncle turned up to "surprise " them when it was a special holiday in the south of France for their wedding anniversary, and it caused a huge row. She seems to have calmed down now they are older, but she sounded a nightmare.

My ex colleague was again wanting the exclusively bf baby overnight immediately. She also hated the name they'd chosen and refused to use it, instead calling her her choice of name. I warned her not to be too interfering and she went off on one. I rarely see her now, but she complains constantly that she hardly ever sees her grandchildren, and I can see why! Incidentally both my aunt and ex friend are mothers of men.

@StarvingMarvin222 i think you’ve nailed it.

My MIL is a nightmare. My DH was her only child and she openly told everyone that she wanted a girl so he was a disappointment. When I came along she took it upon herself to treat me as the daughter that she never had….except that I had an amazing relationship with my own DM and really didn’t want or need a second mum. When DC came along MIL refused point blank to follow rules or requests and on occasions put DC in danger. She also only likes the idea of being a granny, so doesn’t actually want to build a relationship with her DGC and as they’ve grown older they’ve realised this and really only want to she her if she’s going to take them shopping! On the flip side I also think my own DM has been a pretty hideous MIL to my DH….and that has driven a huge wedge between DM and me. Shes never liked him, doesn’t approve of his (entirely respectable and very well paid)job, criticises him constantly to me and picks fights with him over his parenting and various other things. He never bites back and is extremely gracious towards her.

I've never thought of this before but you may have a point that mothers of daughters may make easier MILs than those of just sons.
DP is one of 2 boys and MIL can be very tricky and manipulative. Luckily SIL and I are a united front and I have resolved never to be that kind of MIL.

I loved my mother in law, my daughter in law hated me.

My mil is ok . She can be lovely but sometimes makes shitty comments. I think she feels protective over dh and worries he isn't bringing looked after properly!
She's good with ds.

I only know one person in real life who doesn’t really like her mil and actually she’s even admitted it’s because they’re both too alike!!! It’s probably everybody and everything, when you think of it you’re wrecked tired, under pressure parenting, they want to help/think they’re helping- it probably creates a bottleneck!! I get on excellently with in laws but didn’t always but it was probably all of us at the time!

I have all boys and I also have 2 dials.
I love the bones of them and we've a pretty good relationship.
I think the solution is
Don't get involved in their rows
Don't give unsolicited advise
Don't over rule the parents.
And more importantly don't be to proud to say you're sorry if you've been a tit.

I'm a lovely mil but my own mil is a disgrace.
She actively encouraged her son to have an affair because apparently I'm not enough fun because I chose to stay home with our disabled children instead of going out drinking three nights a week!
My children are better off without them in their lives 🤷‍♀️

Isn't that just because currently the demographic on here is probably younger? So they're more likely to be DILs then MILs?

Mine was okay until she realised that DH wasn’t going to move home and be available to her. This apparently was my fault (it wasn’t). When FIL was away/busy she wanted DH there to do all the jobs he did for her, go to the shops etc. she did used to ring and ask him - we live over 300 miles away. When FIL died she didn’t understand why he couldn’t move back in with her.

She was one of those people who had no hobbies or interests or friends. She was incredibly hard work. She was only interested in what she was interested in and couldn’t understand people making any other choices.

My SIL seemed to cope with her better but she was local. I think the fact the only time me and MIL saw each other was staying in each others homes it didn’t help. She hated coming here because she didn’t like leaving home. I loathed being at hers for many many reasons, lack of privacy and cigarette smell being the main ones. It means either one of us was already in a bad mood to start with.

@baileybrosbuildingandloan

Well you will also be a MIL if your daughter gets a partner too!!

Well obviously

But the issues are generally MIL v DIL not SILN

I wonder why you married a child of theirs?

Surely this has also damaged your relationship with your dh

I truly loved my late ex MIL she was wonderful to me. My new MIL is awful and I've cut contact. DP says she's never liked one of his girlfriends. Then she does some weird idolisation thing once DP has split up with them. I don't think she's that nice to DP and punishes him for being in a relationship. MIL is amazingly supportive to DP as long as he's single. It's all so weird.