Why are some MIL so bad?

I think it’s about control and finding it difficult to accept that you’re no longer the one who calls the shots. For years, you were in charge of when and where everyone went for holidays, what everyone did for Christmas, etc etc. Then your kids get married and start to decide how they want to celebrate Christmas etc, and it’s hard not to be the one ‘in charge’ anymore. Some women handle this more graciously than others. Some unfortunately like to cause issues, just to show that they have some sort of impact/control of the situation.

While there are undoubtedly some nasty people out there, I think that a lot of the MIL stories on here have been hugely exaggerated for maximum effect.

@ClemmyTine Does your son help with the meal or offer to wash up?

I think a lot of it has to do with the mils expect the Dil to keep her in the loop about things.
When really that's the sons job.
I think lowering your own expectations is the way forward.
And not expecting to be included in everything,it is hard and sometimes feelings get hurt.
But as long as it's not intentional you can get along

My MIL is just a difficult person in the first place, though she has her good sides. She can give very good advice, the flipside is she can be very judgemental and black and white. She's also has a lot of status anxiety - DH thinks it's because she's immigrant, whose parents were immigrants in the country where she grew up, so she worries a lot (unnecessarily) about what people think, and what people judge as normal or successful etc.

Most MILs I know seem to have an at least fine relationship with the people their kids are married too, though.

I had a wonderful mil, I still had a great relationship with her after my divorce. We were kind and considerate to each other, if she cooked I would obviously help and wash up etc. As she got older I would do little jobs that she couldn't do. These are just examples of our friendship.
She left me some money when she died.

My dil is not a horrible person, my son loves her and they have a happy marriage. However she is not a considerate, kind person. With me or others. She will sit and watch whilst I am cooking, preparing etc and then eat the meal. She wouldn't offer to wash up, which I think is basic manners. We get on and we are straightforward with each other but we will not have the same relationship as I had with my mil.

I am v good friends with a mill and get on well with her dil,, they are both lovely but only get on if they don't see each other too often.
Sometimes I think it's chemistry.

I think things go sour because it's a forced relationship at a time when the DIL is at her most vulnerable, tired and under stress. MILs are so so involved in your life, more than any or your friends, but they are essentially a stranger and, unlike your own mother, they don't have your best interest at heart.

I can already tell which of my friends are likely to end up as someone's nightmare MIL. They have a weirdly co-dependent relationship with their adult sons and still treat them as if they were little boys, not grown men. That doesn't bode well for when a permanent partner and DGCs comes along.

One of my friends has a son in his mid 20s who works in a graduate position in London. He phones her every single day on his way home from work, on his walk from the tube station to his flat. That's 'their' time for a daily chat. If I suggested to any of my adult children that we had a daily chat, let alone a regular time for one, they'd get a restraining order out on me, I think. WTF do they even talk about, daily? I find that bizarre.

I've had perfectly good relationships with all of my children's partners so far, no grandchildren yet which makes it easier, but we don't live in one another's pockets and we are very careful not to offer unsolicited advice or opinions on things that don't really concern us. And we never, ever say anything that might be considered critical of their partners, even though at times we have to just 'sit on' something that's giving us concern.

I have friends who never seem to like their sons' girlfriends. The concern is always that she is too controlling and emotionally manipulative, that he's being dragged into something too serious, too soon, no longer has any time by himself or time with his friends and all the decisions for him or about him now seem to be made by her, or are too heavily influenced by her.

We've had a bit of that with one of our DC, whose life choices and career and future seems to be based around prioritising their partner's needs. Their partner has decided that they need to move to a specific city for a career opportunity, so our DC trots off after them, even though it's a bit of a tumbleweed place for their own job opportunities. This is just about to happen for the second time.

But in the end have to be very careful how we broach that concern, without it looking like we are encouraging them to split up, which we are not. So we keep our counsel. In the end they are adults and can make their own decisions. If it turns out be the wrong ones then all we can do is be there for them when it goes wrong and try not to say I told you so.

Mine is still very much my MIL, but agree with this. We have literally zero in common besides my DH - she is a kind hearted person but our opinions and tastes are just totally opposite!

What a load of nonsense. Let me guess. Have you got daughters as well as sons? Or at least daughters?

I have only sons and none of them are yes men. I had an awful MiL and she had both. She wasn't a nice mother either.

Nasty people become nasty ILs whether that's MiL, FiL, SiL or DiL.

Just realised this post was in direct response to the thread title. Strangely enough this escaped me at the time.

Allow me a belated correction. Of course, the same applies.

It's a great pity this breakdown in relations so often happens once children come on the scene. I have no real theory as to why.

I’ve got 3 sons and I’m really hoping the MIL/DIL experience goes well. I really think I’m a reasonable and friendly person and I’d love a bit more of a female balance to the family. I’m a bit scared by the idea that I’m not used to females in the family & that’ll I expect to be the matriarch. Maybe I do & doing realise it!?

I got on well with my own MIL - we were very different people but I respected her and she never tried to push any boundaries. I just really hope I get on with my son’s partners…and that they all get on with one another too.

@SerafinasGoose but you didn't correct the OPs question?

@Houseplanter

This isn't about 'nasty' daughter-in-laws, the OP asked why some mother-in-laws are so bad. Why don't you start your own thread if you want to discuss nasty daughter-in-laws? I am sure you will find plenty of mums of sons who will have a tale to tell.

Why are some DILs people so nasty?

Fixed that for you.

Why are some DILs so nasty?

@ChubbyMorticia mine was a bit like that. Always trying to tell me where to go on holiday. What to eat for dinner, what job I should do, what tv I should watch etc. complained I ‘wouldn’t do as I was told’. She’s not in charge of me though.
She was upset DH didn’t marry someone she could manipulate (she basically said this).
It got worse when I had DC as I wouldn’t follow her outdated and often dangerous advice.

DH on the other side tried to force this close mother/daughter relationship on us even though we had zero in common. He even wanted me to call her ‘mum’ at one point.

Both my husband and I had terrible MILs. I often joked that’s why we work so well together- nobody else could understand the crazy we came from.

I think part of the problem for some MIL is a societal/generational thing.

A generation or two ago, the mindset that elders are to be respected no matter what, put family first at all costs, was very prevalent. Must play Happy Families no matter what. And, there was the refrain, “When you’re the elder, it’ll be your turn.” and, “How do you want your kids to treat you when you’re older? Set the example.”

It resulted in generations of women who had little power over their own lives, dedicating themselves to their children, their husbands, and following the lead of their mothers, MILs, grandparents, etc.

Then they became the MIL/grandmother. It was finally their turn!

… except it wasn’t. Because thinking has changed. Nobody wants to do as they’re told with their marriage and children. They want to make their own choices, toss out traditions they don’t like, and have boundaries.

So there are some older women who are angry, confused and grieving. They did what they were told, and were promised their turn would come. But it hasn’t. Kinda like working for decades toward a promotion, only to have the position eliminated at the last second.

Unfortunately, rather than getting therapy to help process their feelings, some of the women who experienced this try to force compliance, blame their CIL when they don’t get what they want, and take their anger and resentment out on those around them.

I can think of 2 very good friends who are mothers of boys. Both are pretty overbearing and will be absolute nightmare MILs.
I also have a really good friend whose own mother is pretty overbearing- but she only had daughters and when my friend has had enough of her DM she tells her where to go. A daughter with a difficult mother will have had years of practice of managing her mother, and as they say ‘blood is thicker than water’. A DIL rarely has a relationship with her MIL to say ‘my child my rules’ or ‘I’m absolutely exhausted, can you please look after child 1&2 and make dinner while I catch up on sleep’……it just doesn’t happen.

Think you meant this to go to @SabreIsMyFave . But I do agree with you .

@Tourmalines I don’t think it is always mothers of sons or only mothers of sons that make poor MILs.

My mum is a hard work MIL. She only has daughters. She’s very overbearing and can’t seem to see that the way she does things is not the way that her daughters (and especially her SILs) might do things. There’s a lot of ‘we do…’ from her that leaves me thinking ‘but that’s not how I do it’.

My lovely ex (not)MIL is a mother of only sons and she’s great. Just a very different personality to my mum and easier to get along with.

I think that in many cases, men do find their wife’s mother annoying and overbearing and interfering - especially in those cases where the mother and daughter are very, very close and their MIL always seems to be around. But some of these men can avoid the issue somewhat by buggering off to the gym/golf/cycling/work.

Mostly I think it really does depend on the different personalities involved. I hear as many people joking about their own parents visiting as they do the ILs. I met one of my neighbours in the local park recently, after bumping into his kids with their grandma. He was having a moan and then said ‘well she’s my mum so I have to deal with it’. I think his wife was doing something that was largely avoiding the ILs too. But he absolutely understood why. And laughed about it.

It’s probably just easier if your spouse is able to understand the challenges that come with their family. And also where the personalities fall within the standard range or foibles.

All bets are off when you get a PIL who is just an awful person - even more so if their child is still enmeshed in whatever unhealthy dynamic they grew up in and can’t admit the problem.

If I’m ever a MIL (and I’m a mother of sons), I will endeavour to recognise that any DILs or SILs didn’t choose me or grow up with me, and that my role is to support and celebrate my sons’ choices. I’m not the main character in that, nor the script writer!

Having said about my lovely MIL, my brothers wife has basically cut our side of the family out so maybe my dad has a toxic DIL and I have a SIL?

I think I am very lucky to have a lovely MIL and I had a lovely mum who had a wonderful relationship with my husband.

I lost my mum 15 years ago and my MIL is now 90 and not very well and I will miss her as much as I miss my mum.

MIL has been a wonderful grandma to my 14 year old.

@SabreIsMyFave I think it happens because it's more often the DIL that manages and controls what happens when babies arrive. As the mum of a daughter, I've never needed to really negotiate seeing the grandchildren. It all happens quite naturally and she naturally turns to me.

My friends who are mums to men almost all feel like they're at the back of the queue. From the moment the baby arrives, the maternal grandma is prioritised. And you see it on so many threads on Mumsnet. It's a real tightrope for the MIL to walk. She can't pester to see the new family, but nor can she afford to look as though she's not interested. And if she doesn't manage those first few months perfectly (or her son doesn't advocate for her) it's hard to build up any kind of relationship momentum.

I once posted about my friend who is only allowed to see her grandchildren for childcare. While the DIL's mum virtually lives at her daughter's house. But virtually everyone who responded assumed that my friend must be awful and her DIL perfectly reasonable to keep her out. I gave up. My friend of 40 years is the most accepting, tolerant and gentle of people, but apparently I couldn't possibly know that, and she MUST have been at fault.

That's why there are few complaints about DILs on this forum.

My mum was a brilliant MIL to my husband. Bought him lovely presents, gave him money, gave him the best dinners! She and my dad adored our kids and were never done thinking of treats for them.

FIL couldn't have cared less, never even met our youngest, only saw the elder two at their baptism. Died shortly after youngest was born. MIL didn't have a clue about our kids, bought them totally inappropriate shit. Phoned early every Christmas Day when our kids never did get up early!

Openly favoured SIL's son who was born a few months after our youngest.