Why are some MIL so bad?

I'm my own case I'm hoping that the fact that I have two sons and no daughters will help me be a good MIL when my time comes. For me the problem is not my husband he keeps out of it. But I constantly keep getting told how her daughter, my SIL does this that and the other with her kids and I'm always having it forced upon me that their way is better and I have two ferral delinquents. The way I see it is I have two boys who do run a bit riot and are boisterous but that's because I let them be kids and don't shut them up with screens all the time.

Whatever I do my methods are seen as a bit crazy by my MIL

Interesting that daughters and FIL issues are seldom mentioned.

I have big FIL issues! He's done all sorts of rude things to me over the years, in fact MIL and BIL frequently apologise for him. (Yes, I have a DH issue here...)

The best examples of the kind of wanker he is are:

MIL generously paid for dinner for us all to celebrate his birthday to the tune of £££. Two weeks later, FIL appears to do the same thing... Except he messages my husband secretly asking him to pay our share later, and not tell his mum!

Another time, my husband generously gets them a trip away with us. I'm heavily pregnant and have had HG throughout. I do all the driving, but now out when it gets to 10pm because I'm exhausted and they can get a taxi. FIL comes in bitching at midnight that I should have dragged myself out to do the 45m round trip to collect them, that had always been the plan etc... MIL hugely apologetic.

It was very satisfying when we revealed that my son had my dad's name and a different family name from their side. No way was I giving that stingy git a naming credit on the baby when he didn't care about my health in pregnancy.

DH is a dreadful son in terms of communication with his parents. He just doesn't care, he is the centre of his own universe.
He's about to go and stay for a few days with them but actually thinks he can be vague about arrival, turn up empty handed, leave his towels and bedding for others to sort out.
And yet some how this was/is/will be my fault as his wife.
I'm done with it.

I think sons are often the invisible figures yet can be central to this dynamic.

So often I read here that they don’t stand up against unpleasant behaviour towards a DIL , or bother to contact their own parents, so DIL end up doing this. They avoid conflict .
Interesting that daughters and FIL issues are seldom mentioned..

He needed someone who had his back, a relationship with his mother was never on his radar.

As a mother of a (teenage) son that's a sad thought - that he may not want a relationship with me once he's married.

I’m lucky. My husband knew exactly who he was marrying, and flat out said that the fact I’m nothing like his mother was definitely a strong factor. He needed someone who had his back, a relationship with his mother was never on his radar.

I'm about to become a mil after 10 years of having the mil from literal hell.

I love my dil. I care for her. I support her. I treat my son and his soon to be wife the same.

It is an honour to have gained a new daughter. I want to support ehm any way I can.

My mil has been nothing but horrible to me and about me since day 1. She has said and one some truly awful things to me. I have done nothing but love, idolise and care for her son and done absolutely nothing to deserve her contempt.

Example: she has said to my face that we are too lovey dovey and to give it a rest and be more chilled out. We were having a hug. She hates too much affection and has never been in love, she is way to self obsessed to love anyone. Maybe cats. She loves cats. Apart from that one she drowned!

Urgh. I truly detest my mil.

I agree with this - I always think these will be most likely to be the tricky MIL's or sometimes the ones most likely to wonder why their own relationships are in jeopardy because they have forgotten they are anything but a Mother. Of course a Mother is the most important job but it is certainly not the only job.

Perhaps at some point in the future all the dils on here could come back if you happen to be mils, and let us know how you've got on.

Yes! Especially those daughter-in-laws that complain so bitterly now. Let's see what sort of mother-in-laws they themselves become?!?

The wisdom of Mrs Brown

Why do you think DH will divorce you after the kids go? 😕

And also many men have appalling MILs, women who are never away from his home and whose opinions re treated as holy writ by his wife while any opinion he has that contrary to the sainted MIL's is derided, no question of the wife supporting her husband at all times!

I met MIL 31 years ago. I have never been part of her family. Within weeks of meeting, she told me that she'd told the previous girlfriend stay in touch, but didn't mean it.
This was repeated for two ex girlfriends of BIL.
The invention of WhatsApp means I'm very aware of my place. I'm on the massive group chat but not the 'grown up' one.
I'm not part of any social chat, health chat, logistics. After 31 years I am less of a friend than the guy that cuts their lawn.
Sad really. I think DH will probably divorce me once the kids are off to uni. At that point his family will never contact me ever again. I wonder whether stbexh will finally buy a present, card, hospitality gifts, etc

In our experience it's been the opposite amongst family and close friends. These seem the type to be aware and put family before their own feelings. It's the borderline or outright neglectful mums who turn into the MILs who can't handle not having full control and don't care enough about family members to have limits with how spiteful they get.

To add an example my sisters MIL spent her children's childhood controlling their behaviour through yelling and hitting them, and as adults can't handle not being obeyed but no longer has that control so it causes explosive reactions when she doesn't get her own way.

I have 3 GC and I understand she'll turn to her DM.
She lives closer to them I also have younger kids so can't babysit.
But I feel we are treated equally as best as they can.

😂

I love all the "when I'm a MIL, I'll...(be perfect)" posts.
It's like before we all had kids and we knew exactly how we were going to be much better parents than those we knew and silently judged. Then we had our own children and ...

Perhaps at some point in the future all the dils on here could come back if you happen to be mils, and let us know how you've got on.

My MiL is mostly fine and I have no doubt she loves us all but she is very old school. Only child who had an only son. I know she disagrees with plenty of parenting decisions but she has backed off a lot when we reminded her she only had one child and didn't work until he was 12. So with 2 kids and working things were different eg if cloth nappies were very important her and FiL could pick them up and wash them because I would be at work!
She used to think she had first dibs as mum/grannie as I have a sibling so my mum was fine and we should always be with her for every occasion as DH is her only child. No thought that I'd want to see my own mum/sibling too. She's totally mellowed now though.

It's the patriarchy innit.

Yes he does.

I found this too, but on reflection she's been pretty bitchy all her life, narcissist, snobby she just hides it less now she's nearly 80. Our children cannot stand her and do all they can to not Visit as she's nasty to them too

I’d also add…. accept that your DIL’s will (probably) turn to their own mothers/families when the grandchildren come along and don’t be upset by that. I have 2 DS, both with wonderful wives that I get on well with, who message and phone me regularly independently of my sons. It’s a tough balance letting them know that you are interested and there for them, without overstepping but worth the effort.

to = too

Combination of a power struggle to be number one woman / top dog. Plus a fair amount of “l know best”. My MIL and mother are both afflicted by thinking they know best. Ironically my MIL doesn’t show this to often but my mother does, she struggles to grasp l have different approaches to life and parenting to her

It’s likely that due to the nature of the site there are more DILs than MILs on here anyway, but fewer MILs would dare to post about a horrible DIL as however bad the DIL behaviour the MIL would still get their arse handed to them. No point.