Family drama

This thread is wild and only a couple of other posters have said what I am going to say.

Why hasn't this child had a mental health assessment or any counselling? Given the enormity of what happened as a consequence.

And honestly that would be my boundary. Unless that happens and there is some kind of acknowledgment or process there is no way I would expose myself or my DC to any further risk.

Risk taking should be reasonable, this is not a reasonable risk.

my last post…. harasssing? where?

Give it a rest @brocollilover your perspective is clear, you’re verging on harassing OP.

OP, it sounds horrendous, I’m so sorry. You’re not stopping him seeing her and trying to rebuild a relationship but keep making it clear that keeping your children, home, career safe aren’t negotiable and that means he needs to see her elsewhere.

op

I am guessing there is very very little that would stop you from wanting to rebuild a relationship with your 14 year old. Even if said child had made up malicious lies about you / their step parent when then were 10; even if they hadn’t apologised yet.

correct?

so your dh will be like this.

So…
say not at home and entirely separate to you and your children until a prolonged period has passed where no drama and she has proved herself

and if he says no,” i want my child in my home and forming relationships with her siblings again”…. then you just need to ask yourself if you’d put down the gauntlet of “if you don’t do this, then it’s over”

cards on table

what i say is “why the heck would anyone ever be a step mother?!

what i do and what i will never do is date a man with children. Don’t want to subject them to me as a SM and most importantly, my children to a blended family and sharing their home with another man / other kids

but that’s by the by!.

This sounds like an awful situation. I think you need to go very slowly. If she does come to your home, make sure you are never alone with her.

Yanbu, she may have been a child but she isn't one now. Her actions had major consequences for everyone, she doesn't get to be welcomed back and forgiven as if nothing happened. His right to want to have his child in his life but she is no one to you and proved how she can blow up your life. I would leave if it meant having her any where near you or your kids.

For crying out loud, Jon Venables was a CHILD too. Shall we just exonerate him while we're at it?

I think a lot of people on here are very naïve. I was a teacher for a long time and many people wouldn't believe some of the lies children tell and how manipulative some can be. Certain allegations can cause so many problems and so much damage, destroying people's lives. OP needs to proceed very carefully and so does her husband. It seems very reasonable to me to not have any contact with her and leave the girl's father to meet her elsewhere for a good long time. Protect yourself and your children OP. Good luck.

@SiousieSoo as I said in my first post, it’s really tricky and I suggest family counselling. I cannot comprehend abandoning my child because of something they did at 10. There needs to be some serious conversations but the child needs her dad and I don’t believe banning her from her dad’s home for something she did age 10 is appropriate. Yes boundaries are needed but not that. Writing a dc off at 10 is awful.

@littlemiss85 the lies told at dds school, is that the now 14 yos school or another child's?

Do all those having a go @littlemiss85 and sympathy for the dsd feel it's OK she's not apologised or admitted lying to anyone else?
With the parental alienation I doubt I'd trust either her or her mum. Who's to say the mum denies the lie admission?

I think you are being unreasonable. Whatever she did as a 10 to 14 year old, it's obvious she's been a very unsettled and unhappy child. You could start very slowly with her just popping in with her dad and saying hi to her siblings, having a quick cuppa before heading out with dad for the day. I think you have to give it a chance but take it slowly, baby steps and see how it goes.

Otherwise I fear your own marriage will suffer. Your DH wants his DD to rebuild her relationship with you and her siblings and if you refuse her that chance, it may well change how he feels about you.

@TeenLifeMum Are you able to comprehend the magnitude of the allegations and the devastating impact this had on the OP and her family? Or are you just too busy swearing about awful it is?

They have continued the lie for 3.5 years, and are now 14!!

You define making allegations, that have caused massive issues to the OP as "something" ok then.

The OP has banned the SC from her house at the moment, to safeguard her and her children, while her husband builds up a relationship with his daughter, should she roll out a red carpet and serve drinks like a good SM.

Protect yourself, your reputation and your mental health and above all protect your own Dc . This child obviously has issues.
Think carefully about whether you want all this, with a child that isn't yours x

@TheSpoonyNavyReader a child being banned from their father’s home because of something they did age 10 is pretty fucking awful.

Well of course the OP should be welcoming with open arms a girl who lied and tried to personally (to some success) and professionally ruin the ops life. What's not to like?

No she is not, she has said that she does not want the SC in her house and around her children, he can see his child at his Mums, she is not stopping him.

Not fucking awful at all.

This was not a mistake, this was a lie that continued for 3.5 years.

The OP is not saying that she SC can lose their Dad, the OP is saying that she does not want her in the house at the moment, and is safeguarding herself and children.

The OP in time could see that the SC has tried, made apologies and is showing that she can change. The Dad has only seen his child once a month for a few hours.

OP husband has only seen his child again because the police become involved, honestly the police do not become involved with a 14 year old unless serious behaviours/crimes have been committed. I also think that social services have become involved as a Mum I know that I would not want my children to become involved in all of this.

There is something very off about the OP's post. She really doesn't like this set up does she

Am I the only one wondering which a children who has obvious serious issues to the point of making unfounded allegations where the police and solicitors were involved, hasn't been referred for therapy or mental health assessment?

Surely,that has to be part of this, as much for the child's sake as everyone else's?

Your DH is right to want to rebuild a relationship with her but he also should be concerned that if she has had some sort of therapy to understand what she said and why it was wrong, then it's unlikely that her issues just resolved themselves over time.

So the op is asking her dh to choose between her and his child? How fucking awful.

It’s tricky. You’re basically saying that a 10 year old who makes mistakes loses their dad. I think that’s a harsh punishment. She’d just had a step sibling born and was possibly hugely jealous, hormonal and struggled with those emotions. Yes the behaviour was awful but to refuse her into her father’s home (which should be her home too) is unfair. Would you turn it back on your biological dc at age 10?

I would suggest family counselling. At 14 she’s old enough to understand the impact she’s had and reach forgiveness. Dc make mistakes - some small and some massive but how the adults around her act will have a huge steer as to where she ends up as an adult. Time for your dh to parent through this and for you, as his with to support him and both be the adults.