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AIBU?

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Original poster

Family drama

266 replies

littlemiss85 · 05/04/2024 15:39

4 years ago, my stepchild out of the blue didn't want to see my other half, me, sibs extended family, etc. As things escalated (lawyers etc), tall tales were told by said child (proven reinforced learnt behaviour)to justify refusal to see us.Being in the job I am, I had to inform my employer of some of the content. Also, tall tales were said to school, which DD also attended. Made to feel like criminals, shunned by people, etc. Resulted in no contact for 4 years. In the last 6 months, the other half has been in contact with said child. Via other parent in a half-hearted apology acknowledged that all said 4 years ago was all lies. In the 4 years we were absent, behaviours and accusations escalated. Thus far, we have kept out DCs away from meeting their sib, and I have made it clear that I do not want a relationship with the now teenage child or have them in our home. Arguments had occurred but came to an understanding n things had been OK. However, the other half now wants to invite the child to our home. He's changing our agreed boundaries already, which I feared would happen.
Our marriage went through a rough patch as he suffered and tried to cope with his child refusing to see him. One DC has already gone through being shunned by their older sibling n one no memory as a baby. I'm trying to protect myself, my kids, and my career. Now I'm worried about my marriage again if he pushes for his oldest to be welcomed back into the fold.
AIBU

OP posts:
Concannon88 · 06/04/2024 12:35

Also I presume the husband is not on the birth certificate ?

TheIcecreamManCometh · 06/04/2024 12:21

Where is she living presently?
Is she still with her Mum or in foster care or with her Gran (your MIL)?
What help did your husband's ex require to get their daughter help?
She's about to embark on her GCSEs so needs stability.
That does not mean rinse-repeat in another household however.

TheIcecreamManCometh · 06/04/2024 12:15

Your stepdaughter is 14 and now capable of realising her false allegations have had consequences.

Your husband should continue to see her 1-1 for lunch (in open spaces with witnesses around) or on neutral ground (his Mum's/her Grandma's).

Not only is this quality time for her but it protects you and her half-siblings from any future allegations. You do not want to lose your job or have Social Services involvement if she accuses you of assault or your son (if you have one) of sexual abuse.

Is she pushing to see her half-siblings or is your husband wanting some Happy Family denouement? Even worse, is he wanting to share the load? Whilst the latter is understandable in some ways, he needs to be putting the time into their relationship, however long it takes.

Type2whattodo · 06/04/2024 12:13

So she made up lies age 10 about her step-mum, step dad, and father. Lies that broke up her step father and mothers relationship. Lies that affected her half sibling at school so quite possibly affected what another child was/not invited to, allowed sleepovers etc. Lies that have impacted her half-sibling so much that where she goes to secondary school is affected. Lies that impacted her step mothers career. She's kept those lies going for 4 YEARS.

She still hasn't openly admitted she lied, apologised, tried to explain etc. But now her behaviour is so concerning to her mother that she wants her to leave TO PROTECT HER OTHER CHILDREN and the OP is expected to just forget and welcome her back. This is the first step to being asked to live with you op. Her mum now wants her out.

I would not be willing to put myself, my career, my children at risk again for a 14yr old who is off the rails with police involved, her mother wanting to protect other children from her.

If your DH wants her to be at his home, he's an idiot. Behind closed doors she could accuse him of sexual a use or worse and he'd have no way to defend himself.

Protect yourself and your family from any more. How can people say she's Changed when she hasn't even apologised or explained. And now her behaviour has escalated.

Nowayhayday · 06/04/2024 12:03

Thus child has caused so much trouble I would not want her in my house or around my kids either OP.
thing is, all the dc are the dh's kids. It is both understandable and right that he doesn't give up on any of them. But he does probably need to slow things down a bit and build up his own relationship with her first - and get her some support with her issues asap!

Concannon88 · 06/04/2024 12:03

littlemiss85 · 06/04/2024 11:59

@brocollilover apologies that was meant for @Concannon88

Read the comment I've quoted. Not go to court because it was going to take 2 years?

Original poster
littlemiss85 · 06/04/2024 11:59

@brocollilover apologies that was meant for @Concannon88

OP posts:
TheMixedGirl · 06/04/2024 11:59

Thus child has caused so much trouble I would not want her in my house or around my kids either OP. DH can start taking her out and slowly build up and see how you feel.

Alternatively you and your kids can go out whilst she is there with him. You'd have to ensure she was gone before returning.

I have a feeling your marriage won't survive this.

Original poster
littlemiss85 · 06/04/2024 11:58

@brocollilover do what to my own child exactly?

OP posts:
Original poster
littlemiss85 · 06/04/2024 11:57

@brocobrocollilover it wasn't my decision. As I was reminded by many people at the time, I'm not her mum. We spent thousands with the lawyer and got nowhere. Ultimately our lawyer advised him he was fighting a losing battle. Also the financial implications of it all were adding extra pressure

OP posts:
Concannon88 · 06/04/2024 11:51

littlemiss85 · 06/04/2024 11:01

@brocollilover it wasn't ad easy as that but we did try. It was the begining of covid courts weren't hearing cases. We were told its be upto 2 years for court by then she'd be 12 and if she told the court she didn't want to see her dad that would have been that.

So you just gave up? Is she not older than 12 now? Would you do that with your own child?

Throckmorton · 06/04/2024 11:46

No way would I risk her being in the house with you or your children, or even meeting you or them. What if she lies again and the lies stick and that impacts on your relationship with your children, or your ability to work? You have to protect your children - not just from her, but from losing you/you losing your career and means to support them due to her.

Original poster
littlemiss85 · 06/04/2024 11:37

@Prydddan no offence taken. My marriage isn't in trouble but I do anticipate it becoming a problem.

OP posts:
Prydddan · 06/04/2024 11:34

pootlin · 06/04/2024 11:06

For example, start by meeting her outside the home for the first time, without your children, and keep it light.

When you feel comfortable, reintroduce her to the siblings, and then into the home. Think hard about when you feel comfortable having her stay/ being alone with her

Whoah, you’ve jumped from 0-60 here. OP does not feel comfortable meeting DSD or having in her home and this absolutely needs to be respected, given what OP went through.

So none of what you’ve said should happen.

Show quote history

I was trying to be helpful abd suggest a way forward that didn't involve OP splitting from her DH ( and her children ending up seeing the SC on his access time anyway).

I note now the OP didn'tcask for advice, so I hope she accepts my apologies for overstepping.

bellezarara · 06/04/2024 11:32

Prydddan · 06/04/2024 11:24

So what?.One of my daughter's friends was a fantasist and a liar from 8 (when I first new her) onwards. She lied about anything and everything. Years of therapy.

Now in her 30s, she still tells lies of the most outrageous sort.

If the child is a dangerous liar, she is a dangerous liar. It is sad, but a fact. And the OP can't afford to be ho-hum.about it.

Show quote history

💯

Original poster
littlemiss85 · 06/04/2024 11:30

@BeaRF75 why tho. Other than she's my husbands child as that's not good enough reason. This isn't a child I didn't know about that's came out the wood work. This is a child who was part of my life for 9 years who almost ruined us. The behaviours continued and came to a head 6 months ago when her own mother wanted her out the house for the sake of her other child's welfare.

So again why should I forgive and forget to appease others?

OP posts:
TheSpoonyNavyReader · 06/04/2024 11:30

BeaRF75 · 06/04/2024 11:17

Dear Lord, they are a child, and your husband's child, to boot, OP. This must have been so difficult for your husband. Of course you absolutely need to welcome this child with open arms - you have to be the grown up here.

A child can do terrible things.......shall we name a few John Venables, Scarlett Johnson.

Prydddan · 06/04/2024 11:24

brocollilover · 06/04/2024 09:43

10 years old

10

10

and her parents had split

10

Show quote history

So what?.One of my daughter's friends was a fantasist and a liar from 8 (when I first new her) onwards. She lied about anything and everything. Years of therapy.

Now in her 30s, she still tells lies of the most outrageous sort.

If the child is a dangerous liar, she is a dangerous liar. It is sad, but a fact. And the OP can't afford to be ho-hum.about it.

BeaRF75 · 06/04/2024 11:17

Dear Lord, they are a child, and your husband's child, to boot, OP. This must have been so difficult for your husband. Of course you absolutely need to welcome this child with open arms - you have to be the grown up here.

bellezarara · 06/04/2024 11:10

IAmThe1AndOnly · 05/04/2024 18:14

You can choose to have nothing to do with this child, but IMO that means you need to leave the relationship. Because you can’t dictate that your DH only have a relationship with her on your terms.

It’s his house too, so if he wants her there then that is his right.
Not wanting a relationship with her is understandable. But reality is that when you enter into a relationship with someone who has children, then the difficulties of those children also become a part of your life.

And as much as people are saying that she is responsible for the situation she is in now, at the time she was a ten year old child. Whatever she’s done, there is clearly something seriously amiss for a child to in act in the way she has, and that shouldn’t just be dismissed.

You can choose to have nothing to do with this child, but IMO that means you need to leave the relationship.

Nope, if DH isn’t happy with OP setting boundaries and protecting herself then he can leave the house and get a divorce.

Stop putting the onus on the woman.

pootlin · 06/04/2024 11:06

Prydddan · 05/04/2024 17:58

You have every right to take your own time on this, and to set safeguarding boundaries every step of the way, given that the previous accusations had consequences for you.

For example, start by meeting her outside the home for the first time, without your children, and keep it light.

Gauge her behaviour.

When you feel comfortable, reintroduce her to the siblings, and then into the home. Think hard about when you feel comfortable having her stay/ being alone with her

Don't rush it. If she is as apologetic for past behaviour as you say, she should understand the gradual approach. As should your husband, given the profesional and social toll of her previous antics.

I think you've got to work with him on this one because, if you split, your children might end up spending time with her without you around.
Good luck!

Edited
Show quote history

For example, start by meeting her outside the home for the first time, without your children, and keep it light.

When you feel comfortable, reintroduce her to the siblings, and then into the home. Think hard about when you feel comfortable having her stay/ being alone with her

Whoah, you’ve jumped from 0-60 here. OP does not feel comfortable meeting DSD or having in her home and this absolutely needs to be respected, given what OP went through.

So none of what you’ve said should happen.

Original poster
littlemiss85 · 06/04/2024 11:03

@ChinnyChin2 it's now a case of the girl that cried wolf. All her own doing

OP posts:
Original poster
littlemiss85 · 06/04/2024 11:01

@brocollilover it wasn't ad easy as that but we did try. It was the begining of covid courts weren't hearing cases. We were told its be upto 2 years for court by then she'd be 12 and if she told the court she didn't want to see her dad that would have been that.

OP posts:
ChinnyChin2 · 06/04/2024 10:42

Daleksatemyshed · 06/04/2024 10:24

The power balance here is all screwed up. At 10 the SD lied horribly to please her DM by the sounds of it, that worked for her and she used that tactic again to go rid of her SD. It's a terrible life lesson, lie on a grand scale and get your own way.
Unless her DPs get her into therapy the Op's never going to be able to trust her, lying has worked too well for the SD in the past.

I agree with this.

The 10 year old was believed, and tried it again and won with the step-parent leaving. Unless they get help, I fear this will be the course of their life.

Lie, win, everyone farts around them, admit the truth, then lie, win etc etc

Original poster
littlemiss85 · 06/04/2024 10:41

@brobrocollilover I wouldn't call her a bad mum. Just someone who let their own insecurities influenced bad choices.
In terms of suited us she wanted us out the picture. Within months of no contact DSS had her name changed to steolp dads

OP posts: