Family drama

where’s he been seeing her to date?

what does he say about his daughter?

Can I suggest OP, that whatever you or your DH decide to do with regard to his child, that you both keep a diary of EVERY time you see her, giving some quite precise detail of what takes place. The reason I suggest this, is if she made unfounded allegations as a 10 year old, as a vulnerable and doubtless moody teenager, this could easily happen again, and you both need to be in a position where you can clearly prove when you saw her, where you were, and what you did, should anything else be alleged. Personally I can totally understand your not wanting to build a relationship with her again at this stage, but given time, you may feel differently about it. Maybe it's a case of 'never say never?'

yes

if i was the OP (not that in. month of sundays i ever will be. I would be terrible as my children will always be my priority and i don’t want to share a home with any child aside from my own) then I would be very stuck.

but if i was the DH, not a chance anything or anyone would prevent me from rebuilding this relationship and, if the choice was my spouse or my child… no brainer. I’d be packing my bags

It was the other step parent. Not her DM. OP states that quite clearly.

In the last 4 years behaviours have escalated and they've become violent, and suddenly want to reunite?...
I'd be thinking they want to move in full time, once your dh and you all are suitably reticent and grovelling to them (so no rules at home!) as expected on mn from a step parent!

So what happened that a 10 year old went NC then a mere 2 years later she was abandoned by her DM? Did she go into care - is she still in care? YANBU to not want contact at all, just don't rush into any quick decisions.

This girl made up things that could have made the OP lose her job, and other consequences.

Also did you read the bit she is violent but the OP kids should be put at risk because the step child always comes first.😒

You said the OP was being unreasonable to not let the child in the house, do you think that the OP should leave the house when the child wants to come round?

So in your eyes everyone should just forget- bonkers.

You are very much of the Do as I say, not Do as I do school of thought aren't you? Very easy to be so high handed and moralistic when it is not your life that was torn apart. The father can start to build a relationship with his child away from the home.

the boy in question showed zero remorse only continued anger about being bitten

where do i say continue where let off?

but yes… the father should be allowed to rebuild his relationship and that will likely involve his home and other children

Its amazing on another thread a child throw a guinea pig after he was bitten younger than 10 (I think 8) and everyone was up in arms and how cruel he was and what sort of person was he and he should never go to the house again.

A child, in this instance should just be allowed to continue where they left off, ok then.

Yes you started your nonsense before you even knew this. I do not know what happened but I know that I would not want a child in my house that had made those accusations against me. Would you? Are you stating as fact that this child did not do this based on what......? My husband was a secondary school teacher and an 11 year old girl made accusations against another teacher, which were totally unfounded and put the teacher through hell. So yes this is possible. Stop being so ignorant it is not a good look.

I think you entirely reasonable not to want contact with this child or have her in your home. I understand her father sees things differently because she is his child, not yours. He can have a relationship with her as he wishes. That doesn’t mean she has to come into your house. If things go well for a long time you might or might not want to reconsider.
It amazes me the vitriol on here which appears if a stepmum dares to question a stepchild. Set your own boundaries, you have every right to. 14 is old enough to understand her past behaviour (and at 9/10 you know what is truth and what is a lie) has had consequences and it will take time for her to be trusted again. A more useful life lesson than being able to lie and cause serious trouble and everyone around just excuses you.

this was a 10 year old child that went NC

10

YANBU. Given the significant impact on your lives, you are right to say no to this, at least for a couple of years.

DH can rebuild his relationship with her by having days out or holidays with her, she doesn't need to be welcomed back into the fold so soon.

@brocollilover You appear to have an agenda about this stepchild situation which is coming across as you being obtuse, strident and uhelpful. I am sure you would love to welcome a child into your home that had levied serious accusations against you, necessitating disclosures to your employee. Stop with your nonsense. No help or guidance is offered by you just ignorant comments.

OP, you are not being unreasonable.

Its your house and those of your children, your step daughter has behaved not very well, and cant just walk back into your lives. Your career was put at risk and their allegations could have caused wider issues.

My husbands son, has made up lies about me, he has gone no contact with my husband but if he were ever to come back in contact with him he would not be welcome in our home, he would have to see my husband and prove himself and very gradually (years) he maybe able to come to the house.

What my husbands son did was terrible and made my sons life hell.

We all have boundaries and all the people saying its a child, should really think about it, would you put yourself at risk from further allegations that could cause huge fall out.

It’s hard to follow all of this but I would expect the child’s father to want to facilitate a relationship and for all of his children to do the same. The property is presumably equally his, so yes YABU to try to ban the child from it. Your relationship or lack of one with the child is up to you.

how long ago did her parents split?