Family drama

My experience as a mum to a child who had to spend time between 2 households is that she struggled with it massively to the point it did affect her mental health. But we were so intent on her knowing both her families that we carried on. It resulted in my dd saying things her father denied (my view is there was a level of truth to it but it wasn’t quite as dd said). Because she was tired of the whole situation. We have to try and see things from their perspective and what they might be trying to say. They need to work on their relationship and perhaps have a bit of time alone and a bit of time reintegrating with you guys. I think you and your partner need to think about how you will protect yourself and children too but I don’t think you can completely cut her out either.
I wonder if family mediation or therapy may help for a few sessions? We went through mediation. It gave dd a chance to say her feelings and it helped us all. We are still working on things and going very much at DD’s pace because what I hadn’t realised is she felt forced it caused resentment to build up . If I did things over I would have stood up a long time before and said this isn’t working

I wonder if your DSC could have been unhappy with how things were?

fair enough

but does that rule out her ever coming to the family home. ever?

i think the key is to not rule out her ever coming around or being with her half siblings again

you need to be clear that the ball is in her court and if she can prove herself over a prolonged period of time….then you may be open to more contact

is that accurate though?

that sounds like a thread in itself

so when he raises again
and you calmly respond with our ultimatum
and he refuses to accept

have you established what your response will be? as sounds like an inevitability

You’d be foolish to put yourself back in the line of fire. You have your own children to protect, don’t put yourself in the position where you’re once again at great risk of having your life and career blown up.

You’re not obliged to accept ill treatment. I don’t doubt that this girl is troubled, but it’s not your responsibility to accommodate and help her at the expense of yourself and your own children. Her being troubled may explain her behaviour, but it doesn’t excuse it, and it doesn’t mean you have to suck up what she did to you.

As @Crumpleton says, I’d be upfront, OP, and not wait until they next meet up. Just state that given what’s happened in the past (and how serious it was), you and your children need to take things very slowly with DSD. It’s going to take years to move on from what’s happened.

This shouldn't be one person's decision, your DH shouldn't push you into accepting her moving in and you need to set that straight, if he puts you on the spot knowing how you feel I'd seriously have to question the relationship between you and him.

It's not as simple as just letting a DSC move in with you, this girl has, by the sound of it, told some awful lies that have affected not only your life but others too and for 4 years she kept it going, possibly still not corrected certain authorities that she lied.

I wouldn't wait for the next meeting and to see what he comes out with I'd tell him that the boundary was set and she isn't moving in anytime soon.

I'd also want her to prove she's sorry, responsible and grown up enough by informing everyone involved that she lied, if she refuses to do so ask her why, being embarrassed isn't the answer.

If she's not will to do that at the very least and although it is your DH home too, she wouldn't even get past my front door.

So when he inevitably raises it again following next weekends lunch with his DD and parents….

are you clear what you’re going to calmly stipulate to him?

It's interesting that the only reason DH was invited back into DSDs life was because the shit hit the fan when her Mum wanted her out of the house 'for the sake of her other child' but DH wants her around his other children.

I can understand why he might not want to spend time alone with her (with her history of lying) but it sounds like he wants to bring her to yours so the onus isn't purely on him to entertain her.

And the next step is the statement, not the ask "that was great wasn't it, she should just stay longer next time, in fact why not do that now? You don't have a problem with that do you???"

and mentioned you and his other children joining?

@littlemiss85
sounds like you have a very sensible attitude op.
it’s going take time.
Years even.
these things cannot be rushed.
Tough love needs applying
If not every problem dsd has will be met with lies and manipulation.
she won’t learn this over night.
and I too would be keeping my kids well away from her.

when is he next due to see her?

Agree with this 100%

So she's not apologised (does she even think she has anything to apologise for)? Has she indicated any kind of remorse or regret for her previous behaviour?

I would want to know a lot more about what work Social Services were providing, what MH issues we could be dealing with going forward, the reasons why her own mother wants her 'out' (that just smacks of your DH being set up to have her permanently at some point in the future) before ever considering her stepping one foot in our home.

How old are your kids now? How on earth would they be able to deal/cope with the knowledge that she could be a permanent fixture in their lives again? Your DH needs to take their feelings/boundaries and also yours into account before he's allowed to ride rough shod over them.

He's in between a rock and a hard place. Horrible situation for him as I'm guessing he wants to do what is best for all of you but for me, it would be a 'no' for having her in my home before I had satisfactory answers to a lot of questions.

op you say you and your dh need to sit down and talk this through properly

why don’t you do that rather than invest you energy in this thread?

Honestly I wouldn't meet said child, allow to bring her to the house or allow any sibling relationship until some time passes.
Like 4-5 years of her meeting her dad and not doing anything abnormal. She's lied, she's violent, even her own mom can't deal with her anymore. I wouldn't endanger the wellbeing of my children just to please DH