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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to visit in-laws so often

32 replies

ladyvimes · 05/04/2024 14:02

Preface- this is not an in-law bashing post. I love my in-laws dearly and enjoy spending time with them!

My husband and I are teachers. We live about 5 hours away from my in-laws and go to visit them (with our 2 dc’s) almost every single school holiday for at least 4+ nights. They have a big house and plenty of room for us and always host us well. MIL is a great cook and they love us all and spend time with us.

The things is now the kids are older they want to spend time with their friends in the holidays. I want to spend time with friends that I rarely get to see during term time and I am finding visiting the in-laws more and more of a chore. It eats up a huge chunk of our holiday time and I am becoming more and more resentful of the time we spend there.

AIBU in wanting to visit less often? Maybe just the main holidays (Xmas, Easter and summer) and no longer half terms?

PS. In-laws very rarely visit us, even though they are semi-retired and we have room for them (or they could easily afford a hotel if they didn’t want to stay with us). This is simply because they are home birds and don’t really like to travel far.
PPS. My dh has no problem with the amount we visit. We live near my family so he sees our long visits as ‘fair’ as I can see my family easier but I spend more time with his family overall than I do with my own!

OP posts:
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DeftPinkSloth · 09/08/2024 11:30

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. They won’t even consider a visit to you. I don’t feel like 4 nights is a lot but every single holidays it is. I’m also 5 hours away from my in-laws and also love them a great deal but I’m about to travel to them for 3 whole weeks for the kids and I’m dreading it. We all stay under the same roof for 3 weeks there are 12 of us in a 2 bath 3 bed home and I detest it. So I know how you feel.

bogbabe · 05/04/2024 22:28

Could you visit us this time? Child 1 has football and child b a party and so we can't travel this week..

A soft notice and puts the ball in their court

Zonder · 05/04/2024 20:42

Explicitly say the kids have stuff they want to do at home at half terms but the grandparents are welcome to come and stay.

Papyrophile · 05/04/2024 20:38

Totally understand where you are starting from OP, and yes, I agree that (if they are fit and capable to travel to visit you) that six visits a year means they visit in half terms over weekends and hopefully they can travel Thursday/Tuesday to dodge the worst of the traffic. It becomes much more difficult if they are aged or ailing. We had a six-hour drive in each direction (between two holiday areas to make things worse) and it is very hard work. Sadly I can't offer a solution, only my heartfelt best wishes for easy traffic.

FlowerBarrow · 05/04/2024 20:29

ThursdayTomorrow · 05/04/2024 19:53

I think that’s fine as long as you also reduce down the visits to your family to make sure it’s equal.

What rubbish! If her parents live 30 minutes away why should she reduce her visits to “make things equal”?

RidingMyBike · 05/04/2024 20:25

Why do they get to be home birds but you can't be?! Especially as they have a lot more free time and flexibility with time than you do.

I'd reduce it to 2 or 3 of the main holidays but make it clear they're welcome to visit you.

I'm not sure if you've said how old your children are but they do reach a point when there are things they want to do in the school holidays like seeing friends or just being at home.

ThursdayTomorrow · 05/04/2024 19:53

I think that’s fine as long as you also reduce down the visits to your family to make sure it’s equal.

dottydodah · 05/04/2024 19:50

ladyVimes What about a few nights away at a mid point? Premier Inn or similar ?

dottydodah · 05/04/2024 19:48

CherrySoup How on earth does 5 hours take all day? We leave at around 8 am .Allowing wee stops say half an hour /traffic usually arrive at 1.30/2pm!

Original poster
ladyvimes · 05/04/2024 17:29

juicelooseabootthishoose · 05/04/2024 17:11

My marriage ended over this. I wasn't able to cope with never having down time in my home. And my H was never able to stand up to guilt tripping or manage his own feelings of guilt over it with regards his parents and siblings.

So i really understand why this is a big deal for you. Mine were also lovely and great hosts. It was no reflection on them. I actually loved my husband but needed some downtime as a nuclear family unit.

My husband definitely feels guilty for living so far away but it’s just the way things have ended up. In-laws have always been happy for us and although I know they’d love it if we lived closer they’ve never made us feel guilty over it. I genuinely love seeing them and spending time with them but as others have said, things change and we need to adapt things so we’re all happy and get some time in our own home too!

OP posts:
Original poster
ladyvimes · 05/04/2024 17:26

Sandwichgen · 05/04/2024 17:07

Could you ever meet halfway at a National Trust place (appeals to my oldies!) or a big city? so just a day together with a 2.5 hr trip each side

This is a good idea! I will suggest this!

OP posts:
juicelooseabootthishoose · 05/04/2024 17:11

My marriage ended over this. I wasn't able to cope with never having down time in my home. And my H was never able to stand up to guilt tripping or manage his own feelings of guilt over it with regards his parents and siblings.

So i really understand why this is a big deal for you. Mine were also lovely and great hosts. It was no reflection on them. I actually loved my husband but needed some downtime as a nuclear family unit.

Sandwichgen · 05/04/2024 17:07

Could you ever meet halfway at a National Trust place (appeals to my oldies!) or a big city? so just a day together with a 2.5 hr trip each side

Sunnnybunny72 · 05/04/2024 17:03

Prioritise your children and re set expectations for your PIL as they age.

InfiniteGoodVibes · 05/04/2024 16:53

YANBU. This level of obligation is suffocating - no matter how close you are.

Time to shake things up OP. Simply say that you will next visit ..... and make your own plans.

There may be a push back but you aren't being unkind by changing what has gone before. Things evolve, children and families grow, nothing stays the same.

FlowerBarrow · 05/04/2024 16:45

Yes and also there’s no reason your dh can’t go for extra holiday or long weekend trips if he wanted to, or they could come to you.

Original poster
ladyvimes · 05/04/2024 16:43

Thank you so much everyone. I was worried that IWBU as dh obviously loves his parents and he misses them and I love them too, it’s just life is changing now the kids are getting older.

I think reducing visits to just the main holidays is what I will aim for going forward and if my dh wants to visit in half terms he can go alone or with either or both kids.

I will have an open invite to in-laws. Maybe they’ll come visit more often if we go there less. I actually think it would do them good to travel a bit more!

Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:
Caroparo52 · 05/04/2024 16:31

Visit in the big 3 holidays. Then say they are welcome to come to you for a few nights when it suits both parties. Either to stay at your house or a hotel. When they experience the effort it takes on the journey they will be more understanding hopefully.

PatienceOfEngels · 05/04/2024 16:18

We have similar with my family (7 hour journey, teacher so can only do school holidays). Before we had the kids we'd often go 4 times a year. Now we find it too much and don't go over during half terms unless there's a special occasion. Instead we do a week of Easter and Christmas and 1/2 weeks in the summer. My DPs usually come here once or twice a year.

Jk987 · 05/04/2024 16:07

It's easy to get stuck in a rut with people doing what they've always done without considering alternatives!
You don't have to go every holiday no.
Time to change things up.

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 05/04/2024 15:28

Suggest to them you visit the main hols and they are welcome the half terms. If they don't show it isn't your fault they don't see you all is it?
Road goes both ways and all that.

Stand firm.. Ime a suitable phrase 'Pizza dgps' applies here. . They want to see dgc but want them hand delivered like take away... Takes both parties to nurture a relationship..

OhmygodDont · 05/04/2024 15:25

Every holiday is too much. I’d go summer and Christmas with a they are free to come to you.

ConfrontationDoesntHaveToBeScarey · 05/04/2024 15:25

Xmas and summer hols is fine.

fieldsofbutterflies · 05/04/2024 15:23

I would offer to go during the three main holidays, and invite them to come to you during the half terms.

mrssunshinexxx · 05/04/2024 15:18

Your husband could take the kids one half term you get time to yourself , win win

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