To think his undiagnosed ADHD is too much for me?

@WannabeCatLady

Why should @NotGreatExpectations just cause she is married in a relationship 🤔 to her husband,
have to be like second mother to him too?

when he can't even be arsed to bother to get help to help himself medically therapeutically as a grown up adult who is susposed to be emotionally mature enough for responsibilities of fatherhood then?

Amagine how emotionally exhausting draining it must be with a partner like this plus having 4 children too,
and another grown up child man like her husband to contend with then?

If he cared enough for this marriage and himself,
he would try his best to seek help especially being on spectrum nowadays is more socially acceptable and common.

Women are not societies rehab facilities for men who are either emotionally stunted or and have other issues too,

or

Are societies Arsehole's whisper's, to understand shitty 💩💩💩💩 men's issues and dysfunctional nefarious attitudes and behaviours on planet 🌏 earth,

Just cause you are in a relationship with someone it doesn't mean you are like conjential simese twin joined at the hips,
twinned in matrimony,

You are still an individual with your own thoughts feelings and needs etc..

not unreasonable to find this too much however you are unreasonable to have four kids with someone you say has always been ‘difficult’ then expect it all to be rosy.

He’s probably masked for a long time. It makes me sad as someone with an ASD son but I agree you need to do what’s right for you and your children. However really do try and have a serious conversation with him about this and how you will need to leave.

Oh that’s very sad. And yes the anger is the tipping point for me.

I agree it sounds like ASD. Has it always been this way? What’s becoming the tipping point? It sounds like he is burnt out and that’s why it’s getting worse.

Have you been able to discuss diagnosis with him? Would he be willing to put effort in to try and manage things differently? Will this all be a shock to him?

I have little knowledge of ADHD or ASD but I do know that, if you're unhappy being with him, it makes sense to plan a new life for you and the children - well done for being financially savvy and looking to the future. I don't think he needs to be diagnosed as this or that for you to want to move on unless you want to use a diagnosis to explain to him and others why you're leaving him? Anyway, good luck for the future.

My DH has many of these traits, also believe he had undiagnosed ADHD but also lots of traits that outweigh any negatives (I’d assume im the same). It’s ok if you can’t cope with his behaviours whether they’re ADHD or his personality; I’ve done a lot of reading and it helps me understand and know how to work with some of the traits but equally it doesn’t make some of the others any easier to deal with.

Agree that it could be ADHD. Lots of people with ADHD drink or self medicated, especially if it's bit treated. Comes with higher chance of anxiety as well.

Leave him, then. You don’t like the person he is, you don’t think his behaviour is good for your kids and he is unlikely to change. Even if he had a diagnosis of ADHD and even if he was prepared to take medication, he’s not going to transform into someone new. And if he’s autistic, which he may well be, that isn’t something anyone can ‘fix’.

You have a perfectly reasonable and valid idea of the kind of partner you want. You will not mould your husband into that partner. You can speculate all you like about conditions he might have, but having a label for his behaviours will not make them easier for you to live with. If you want to be with someone who isn’t like your partner, you need to leave and find someone who is right for you.

How are your 4 kids? Any signs of ASD or ADHD? I am sure it will kick him to get himself diagnosed. **

Lots of ND people can function quite well (on the surface, at least) until they find themselves struggling with burnout, then it all falls apart. The problem, it's impossible to know what will trigger you until it happens, and by then, it's often too late.

Even NT people struggle with parenthood - it's very likely that he coped well enough with one (or even two) children, especially if OP was on maternity leave or something and doing the majority of the care. But if the children are now older and require more input, and OP is stretched much thinner, the issues with his condition are likely much clearer and harder to tolerate.

I don't think YABU to want to end the relationship, it's a joint venture and it.doesn't sound it's working out for you for many reasons.
Sure there's help for relationship struggles created by ADHD/ASD to learn how to communicate better, makes some adjustments and achieve fairer balance. However It will still rely on him wanting to improve the relationship and be willing to put effort in and he may prefer to suit himself so not really a part of a condition.

As your going to need to coparent with him either way perhaps you feel it is still worth making some effort.

You see a different side with your job but he may still feel there is a stigma to being diagnosed and doesn't want it confirmed.

There are official screeners (ASD AQ50/AQ10 & ADHD ASRS V1.1) and other tests on here which also points out the limitations and that the wording used can sometimes not be helpful to the ND user.
https://embrace-autism.com/autism-tests/

However I think he'd likely benefit more from listening to others experiences and realising he relates, he may then make this a special interest, there's loads on YouTube which I prefer to quick reels as gives more in-depth info. The lived asd/ADHD experience is definitely broader than what believed of the conditions when research that used to create the the diagnostics was done.

https://adhduk.co.uk/diagnosis-pathways/ is nice simple guide to seeking referral and if live in England so have the option of Right To Choose pathway of a private provider that holds an NHS contract in England so can treat other NHS patients, which can help significantly cut waiting time. The process is the same for asd too and the RTC page lists providers that offer asd assesments.

There's a lot of overlap between ADHD & ASD plus having both is pretty common, but it certainly sounds like he would benefit from assessment. It's easy to think 'well I've managed so far, what's the point?' but it allows you to understand yourself & needs better, make adjustments and learn more ND friendly ways to overcome the challenges (especially with the crap executive functioning which is feature of both) and allows more self acceptance that it's not a personal failure when things are still a struggle which is much healthier for MH & esteem long term. However in realising you can end up feeling sad about life's lost opportunities and be less willing/able to mask to blend in neurotypical if had done that before as a way of coping (possibly your DH doesn't ).

Yes there's medication with ADHD which if suits you can help, although it's not a cure all and if are AuADHD on treating ADHD symptoms the autistic traits may come more to the forefront. There's very little in official support on offer otherwise post diagnosis for adults your just left to it.

I’m always perplexed by anyone having that many kids -especially all under 8 -who is then not understanding of the amount of strain this can put on a marital relationship. You married someone who “has always been difficult “ so what were your reasons for marrying and having 4 kids with this man? When does having kids ever make life easier? I think relationship counselling is more appropriate at the moment.

I think he sounds autistic and I’m sure you are aware that a GP can’t diagnose so finding the guts to see one won’t get him a diagnosis. He may or may not be referred but the waiting times are long and many people are refused an assessment, especially an adult. There isn’t a wonder drug to cure autism so it’s not as if a diagnosis will do anything from that perspective.

Oh here we go... yet another armchair diagnosis and somebody attributing difficult behaviours to ADHD.

Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. Maybe it is ASD, maybe it isn't. Maybe he's just difficult.

Whichever it is, you chose to have four kids with him in a short space of time. Why continue to have so many if he is so difficult to live with? YANBU to leave, you can leave any relationship that makes you unhappy. But please don't start with the armchair diagnosis stuff - I have ADHD myself and it's offensive. I don't present like him at all in terms of behaviours, and I can see many posters saying similar to me.

Why did you have 4 children in 8 years with somebody you don't like?

'My husband of 10 years has always been difficult.
We have 4 children under 8 '

🤷🏼‍♀️

Well you have to turn this mess around now for the sake of your children and the only way I can see that happening is if you do split up.

He sounds like me, and I have ASD.
If you'r emiserable and don't want to be with him, you have every right to leave regardless of what condition he may or may not have. You only get one life and you're entitled to do your best to make it a happy one.

Sounds more like ASD