AIBU to feel disheartened by the lack of support and the presence of a crab bucket mentality among some women on here?

I hate the whole "be kind" shtick - it's pretty much always aimed at women and is generally used to shut down opinions people don't agree with.

There's a difference between full on unpleasantness (which isn't necessary) and just telling someone your opinion.

I posted on here over a year ago on a a different name about some relationship troubles that were making me unhappy. You know what, the replies weren’t kind, they were horrible to read. BUT they were what I needed to hear. A few months later I “LTB” and I have never been happier.

Some times the mumsnet pile on is a good thing- when dozens of people are telling you the same thing it really is a wake-up call.

Does anyone really want platitudes or sympathy or do they want to know if and how to make things better? If on finances that is the wake-up call that you can no longer afford to do that particular job, to afford that house, with that car and people say materially something needs to change, I don’t think that is too awful

The problem with posting about money issues is that your particular income bracket will only be relevant to a few people on MN, rather than the majority, and so you're naturally going to get more opinions and comments from people who aren't in the same place as you in life. But also, the lack of empathy received is often a reflection of the lack of empathy you have shown first. On a site this large, you coming on stressing about struggling on £80k (for example) will be read by single mothers of disabled children surviving on carer's allowance and UC, and families who manage fine on £25k etc. To them, not only do you sound obnoxious, it just looks like incompetent people choosing to live a lifestyle they can't afford.

But the biggest issue is, people keep posting their serious issues in AIBU "for traffic" instead of in a suitable subforum.

No I got bored reading it. I've not got time to waste reading overlong posts or even longer replies

There is certainly an element of everyone thinking someone else has it easier these days, even outside MN. I never, ever talk about money IRL or on the internet. I am not poor by any stretch, but I do have certain high expenses as two uni going DC and a mum in another country whom I visit.

I keep it to myself though, and try to cut down in other ways, as there are people far worse off than me.

There's an element of that sure, but also an awful lot of "well, your food costs are too high, can buy a sack of lentils for £5 and that'll feed you all for a month, that's what I did my kids were little". "Well it's obvious, just move somewhere cheaper" when it really isn't as simple as that.

And your post is exactly what the OP is talking about, some people having a chip on their shoulder and being gleeful that anyone is struggling with a "fuck you, you don't know what real struggling is and you DGAF before so fuck off now".

When that isn't a particularly productive attitude for society or a site. You can offer solutions without being an arse, which is what the OP is talking about.

It's the other side of the coin to the posters who historically and still currently respond to the posts of people struggling on benefits with kids "how lucky you were given a house and get paid not to work, I work f/t and have to pay for everything including £900 a month rent. I could never afford children so didn't have them"

Everyones pissed off and thinking someone is having it better or easier and attacking. And it's never okay.

It's only unpleasant to some because it points out the hypocrisy of those attitudes.

If you were out of the bucket and pointing back in saying how those in the bucket were at fault, and then suddenly find yourself in the bucket alongside those who you derided for being in there, and expect to be treated any differently, and suddenly demanding that we should all be helped out of the bucket, because you're now affected, then that's hypocrisy.

And you've just kind of proven the point really. Telling me off for attitudes that have been prevalent towards others for long enough because now it's affecting more important people, it's unacceptable.

I watched a fantastic JP video yesterday where he said the data shows men tend to use physical violence whereas women use more passive forms of ‘violence’ such as gossip, reputation destruction etc. it explained so much.

Yes, crabs in a bucket mentality is a prominent negative aspect of UK culture which is growing.

Many people are wilfully blind to how far this country has sunk. They put their fingers in their ears and claim that because they managed to buy a shitty doer-upper in the 80s and there was no free childcare, that everything is great now in comparison and people should just quit being doomsters and gloomsters.

@Sallysappho its the mentality of “if I can’t have it neither can you” as far as I understand it. Basically if I can’t be happy you’re not allowed to be happy either

Have you read the thread? It's been explained multiple times. I googled it, I'm surprised more haven't.

Well the options are a) do something different or b) toughen up.

After two years of newly stretched posters arriving on AIBU to declare that life is not fair, like it is some newly found wisdom that the rest of the forum should know about, it's wearing a bit thin. Some posters will bend over backwards to offer advice but others might only summon a weary, 'yes, we know'.

At least posters have stopped telling people to take in ironing, that's a bonus.

What's a crab bucket mentality?

Personally it’s not my job to support others, that’s not why I’m here. I’m here for entertainment, occasionally I’ll come across an OP where they’re either twats or going through a rough time. If they’re twats I respond in kind, if they’re going through a rough time I try and offer advice and sympathy. If I want support I speak to people in real life, I suggest you do the same. The internet is not a supportive place and you spend too much time online your mental health will take a boot.

No one owes you anything just because they're the same sex as you

If people think you're wrong they can say so, and if people think you're an extremely privileged individual who should get some perspective, they can say so

This is pleasant.

’crabs in bucket’ demonstrated quite nicely here.

Well exactly.

Poorer people who were impacted first, who have posted for advice were by and large told it's their own choices, lack of aspirations and laziness that were the problem - because the 'squeezed middle' weren't feeling as much of an impact at that point and therefore assumed that their choices and hard work were the right ones and anyone else who didn't have what they did must be doing it wrong.

Now the middle is being squeezed and they're wanting advice, or sympathy and completely unwilling to accept their own advice about moving, getting better jobs, making better choices that they assumed were the reasons for someone on a lower income than them struggling in the past, now are wanting the support and understanding they have been unwilling to show it towards others.

Now it's all about supporting each other and being sympathetic, it not being a race to the bottom and joining together to tackle it.

Well, the reasons that a lot of people are struggling are the same - the cost of living has increased, but so many are only starting to realise that hard work and the 'right' choices only take you so far and now want to change the narrative. And do not like the hypocrisy in that being pointed out.

Limited sympathy I'm afraid, if it's good enough for someone on £25k to be told it's their own fault and they should take responsibility, then it's good enough for someone on £50k, £100k or £150k.

You reap what you sew.

I don't owe anybody support just because they share my gender.

My sister in law chose to buy a very overpriced house in an expensive area far away from family and then have children. I have no time to listen to the complaints of having no support and being financially overstretched when it is all a result of their own choices. And I imagine many people do similar things and complain in similar ways. It's tiresome.

For those who are really genuinely struggling, who haven't done things to make their own lives harder but have been at the mercy of huge price hikes when they were already pushed, I have every empathy.

Could be.

Or maybe people are fed up of subsidising others lifestyles.

I think there's a bit of that, perhaps, but also if people have had a really tough time and got through it, they may want to share their experience and solutions.

Crabs are delicious actually in a pate or crab claws in batter. 😋better than being in a bucket.

There is definitely a bit of a ‘I grew up in a cardboard box in the middle of the road - and was grateful for it’ thing.

People seem unwilling (or unable) to recognise that different people have different issues / incomes / expense etc.

If you’re referring to the free childcare which some non parents object to subsidising (I don’t mind doing this) then yes crack on.

A lot of single child free people especially those on low wages get next to no help from the government yet still subsidise people with children in all sorts of taxes.