AIBU to feel disheartened by the lack of support and the presence of a crab bucket mentality among some women on here?

I'm totally with you on this OP

Nope. Disagree- to an extent. Certain boards, should have only support, but AIBU, etc. nope. I'm not going to slavishly 'be nice' and support silly decisions and choices.

Absolutely.

I dunno. I feel like nobody wants to take any responsibility for the choices they've made any more and just want to wallow in self pity. Also nobody wants to hear that they actually might not have made good choices.

This - well put & rest of post was good too.

However I do also find it depressingly right wing also. There is a general sense of every woman for herself - no real acknowledgement that we have any innate responsibility towards each other as human beings

I really disagree with this - actually i think mnet has a strong left wing contingent, people who are passionate supporters of state healthcare and education, and recognise the need for centralised state run services, many many people who feel its important those with disabilities and SEN are protected and supported.

What isn't tolerated, is people coming on here expecting to dependent wholly on others for everything, but refusing to ever try to do anything to solve a problem for themselves. So people looking for someone else to tell them there's a magic to wand to fix it all, if they:

• have issues (eg tight family finances, or wanting to leave a shit husband) that would be solved by seeking work but don't want to.....
• being unhappy about a lifestyle element (weight, diet, exercise level etc) but shooting down any suggestion that involves actually doing anything about it
• struggling with some parenting aspect (difficult DC behaviour, potential sen/disability, social probs etc) but dismissing all ideas/suggestions of things to do about it

I don't think anyone on here has said it's okay to "rip people to shreds".

But people's definition of rude and unpleasant is always going to be different - what one person sees as nasty will be what another sees as robust or honest.

Good point - I missed it because it's a slight variation on the usual one about how everyone's suddenly turned nasty.

I haven't been around that long, but frequently when old zombie threads from 2010 are accidentally brought up on what would now be quite a hostile discussion, I'm like, 'damn, everyone's being pretty nice on this zombie thread!' 😂

Ah the weekly ‘why is everyone so mean’ thread.

I have been on MN for 22 years and it is has always been like this!

It's not about agreement. It's about the level of hostility of the disagreement.

Well no, but they don't all have to be cunts to eachother eh? 😉

What do you find unpleasant about the post?

I'm in a very large and active historical renovations and DIY forum, which is 85% men. When the tendency for hostility arises or deliberate undermining occurs, they are absolutely called out on it by men and women alike. And people do post from time to time to solely address it. Despite it being 'just DIY', a whole host of issues come about due to financial implications.

Shouldn't this space be about rallying together to support everyone in the UK?

Limited to the UK?? Because???

Ime there are posters (men and women, parents and non parents) from all around the world which can only be a better thing than just women or just mothers only in the UK.

Yes, I think in the main its exactly that. When people say move to a cheaper area, get a second job, eat cheaper food etc, they are simply talking about the things they do in their own lives because they cant afford to do otherwise. But such is the gulf, the newly struggling often see such suggestions as so unpalatable, ludicrous even for THEM, that they become offended, and believe the person is being 'nasty' to them to even suggest such a thing.

We should be annoyed at the government for creating the cost of living issues and we should push for them to make things better for future generations

What actions have you personally taken then to achieve this? because sitting around generally being annoyed about shit doesnt change anything except put you in a bad mood. It's action that changes things so if you are going to criticise others then I would ask what you have done about it?

But you expect other people to waste their time typing out a reply to your question, a question which has already been answered multiple times, or you could have googled in the time it took you to ask it?

*My women friends are a great support. I don’t see them as raw resources or cheerleaders.

The world doesn’t have to be as cynical as you describe but the anonymity on forums does tend to filter certain rainy day attitudes to the top where they then rain down on others.*

Can you honestly say you've never disagreed with anyone (a friend, on here, anywhere?). If so, that's a lot more dull than simply giving an "unsupportive" response every now and again.

And I definitely agree with pp that women don't exist to cheer you on in every choice you make. We are allowed to have opinions, as long as it's generally respectful.

Maybe it's easy to say 'look at me, I'm a ray of sunshine!' on the more lighthearted topics, but there are definitely times when people need to be told 'this isn't ok'.

Would you come onto a predominantly male forum and say this? Or is it "healthy discussion" when men argue but "crabs in a bucket" when women argue.

it’s nice to be supportive when appropriate but many threads are to debate policy issues and politics. The idea that we can all have a wonderful privileged life if only we force the government to give it to us is hopelessly naive. To govern is to choose. If we direct resources from one area, it has to come from somewhere else.

For example, you see this a lot on pension threads. If you point out the huge cost of public sector pensions, some people will respond that the government should simply force everyone to get a generous final salary pension and they’re turning us against each other. The reality is that taxpayers will pay for public sector workers to get generous pensions that are unaffordable in the private sector.

I have built up a public sector pension so am grateful for it (or will be in retirement). But that doesn’t lead me to be unrealistic about the cost to the public purse. Nor to discount the benefit of it.

I didn’t vote for the present government but the idea that they could suddenly give everyone everything they wanted if only they were not baduns is plain silly. There are limited resources and if we want to significantly increase public spending, most of us will need to pay for it.

No I got bored reading it. I've not got time to waste reading overlong posts or even longer replies

Asks question about crabs in buckets on MN, rather than google

refuses to read replies and still doesn't google

My women friends are a great support. I don’t see them as raw resources or cheerleaders.

The world doesn’t have to be as cynical as you describe but the anonymity on forums does tend to filter certain rainy day attitudes to the top where they then rain down on others.

The thing with MN is that posters dishing out the most brutal of 'advice' defend their brutality is with statements such as 'women don't have to fawn over someone / we aren't support humans / you don't deserve a 'there there' / I'm sick of the 'be kind rhetoric'.'

There is no middle ground there. It doesn't have to 'fawning' or ripping them to shreds. Even if you're in disagreement you can relay your opinion without the sheer hostility that is all too often present.

I guess that depends on whether you think it aids wellbeing and society to essentially treat others as though you hate them.

But then we are alsp living in an age when words and a difference of opinion are "literal violence" so... 🤷🏻‍♀️🙄

I’ve seen some amazing support on this site. Just incredible.

Ive also seen some tough advice and no-nonsense feedback.

I imagine that you created a thread and didn’t get the responses you were hoping for @NameChangeAsICouldBeOverReacting ? Maybe there was some value in the responses you got in terms of rethinking things? Hard to know without specifics.

Sometimes posters are arses. But often the deep thinking and care shown by total strangers on here is a beautiful thing.