AIBU to feel disheartened by the lack of support and the presence of a crab bucket mentality among some women on here?

From the responses I assume there are:
1A number of members of fathers for justice who suggest women should leave their home and accept 50:50 custody as max they can expect
2A number of daily mail and telegraph journalists who keep suggesting everyone vote conservative because 'they knows what a women is' yes they do as they have made women's lives a misery since 2010.
3A number of people from other countries - mostly English speaking
4 Lots of supportive people.

Probably best to remember that there’s quite a lot of men on here masquerading as women.

WTF is a ‘crab bucket mentality’?

Is it, when did that obviously happen as I genuinely think that’s where some of the problems lie, people are going to seemingly tone deaf if we are now in context of global audience. MN used to be very London/south east centric and all these changes which are how a site evolves makes causes much of the confusion and division I think.

@NameChangeAsICouldBeOverReacting

I disagree with you as often mumsnet supporters are rightly supportive got abused women and even men who are in equally abusive dysfunctional relantships,
got their backs giving beneficial supportive advice emotionally financially practically allways,
in that particular situations
and in other particular situation topics then too,

However if something needs to be said straight down to earth tell it is kind of advice needed and necessary for some one to take off Rose 🌹 tinted hued glassed off,
.then so be it,

Wish i had too had mumsnet social media forum when i was in my late teens and twenties
What a difference it could have made and saved me from real emotionally abusive situations and people staying in emotionally gutter with them bit too long and other situations

Of course just like in real life and on here you will come across Arseholes sometimes,
it's after all going to attract all sorts from life acctrated to this website just like most things in life

Quite,

It's absolutely fine, though. The hypocrisy is delightful.

My only question is, what would international posts look like? Of course, we don't post in our national languages on a UK-based site. Anyway, carry on.

Mmmmm. Crab.

I haven’t had a good seafood platter in ages. Better get one in while there’s still an R in the month.

I disagree. Ignoring the differences causes division because the people who suffer the most remain invisible and unheard, subsumed into a mass of supposedly shared experience that disregards their compound disadvantage.
On a practical level, If I came on here looking for advice about managing in the CoL, I'd find the suggestions of people who've been doing that all their lives extremely helpful. If that was offered with an unwanted side order of 'check your privilege' from people who objectively had it far worse than me, I'd take that, because they'd be right! I'm very fortunate compared to many people. I know it and I own it. If I have problems my advantages offer me a cushion that not everyone has. I'm grateful for that, and if I forget and start to feel disproportionately sorry for myself, I don't mind being reminded. I'd never 'put the boot in' to anyone and do think some people are harsh. But equally others lack empathy in the other direction.

Someone's sex is irrelevant as far as I am concerned, and I will support anyone who needs it. If they are being an arsehole, I will tell them so.

WTF is a crab bucket mentality anyway?

The discussion here is so binary. It’s not like the only options are flaming people OR a #bekind tea party. You can give people honest feedback and still do it in a way that doesn’t lead so many people to delete their own posts because the replies are so vitriolic.

MN is not a Kum-By-Ya style support forum.

Maybe they could have a Kum By Ya message board within the site though?

I play a real mean version of it on the bagpipes.

I was thinking the same! Ah well you really do learn something every day

Should we try to empathize with women who just aren’t as lucky as ourselves? Absolutely. Stop and think about the posters situation and tailor your advice to where they are in their life.

should we stay silent when we see women making really obvious and fixable mistakes? No. That isn’t being supportive and it isn’t helping them.

We do not help women by coddling them and telling them that they can do no wrong. We don’t help them by telling them that they have no responsibility for their circumstances. Sometimes we even have to be honest and say that they have been handed an absolute shit situation, but life is hard and unfair and here are some difficult steps they can take that will help get them out of it.

every one of us who has had to struggle and fight and work to overcome something that then offers advice to another woman on how to do the same isn’t doing it to be cruel. Real support is honesty. Real support is mentoring. Real support can get real results.

MN is not a Kum-By-Ya style support forum.

Its a discussion forum and in normal truthful discussion you will have people disagreeing with each other.

I actually find it depressingly misogynistic to say “Women are allowed to come together to talk but only if they are nice and non-conflicting”. I’d rather risk a few upsetting comments than be told I have to STFU and tow the party line

The OP is a bit 'why can't we all just have a nice cup of tea together, talk in soft gentle voices and be kind?'

The world isn't like that. People aren't like that. Everything is tougher, harsher and more brutally honest than that. We just pretend it isn't.

I think also, people are actually getting a bit fed up of the soft, be kind, can't-do attitude culture of the past few years.

And if you are ever critical of the tone of responses on some posts, you’re hounded by the “don’t fucking tell us to #bekind” brigade. It’s considered an automatic ‘gotcha’ and shutdown of any discussion.

Crikey. Did that warrant biting that person's head off? (Metaphorically speaking)

See, this is always my biggest problem with people who go on about being supportive and kind. They are often rude and sarcastic themselves.

Where do you stand on the #bekind philosophy, @NameChangeAsICouldBeOverReacting ?

You’re not wrong at all OP. I’ve noticed an almost gleeful tearing down of other women, pack mentality, a real “oh boo fucking hoo, pull yourself together you special snowflake” mentality in a lot of responses on this site.

Some PPs have characterised it as ‘tough love’ and ‘handing their arse to them on a plate’ when people need it. Sorry, no. That reeks of ‘oh I just tell it like it is, me’ when we all know what sort of insufferable person says that about themselves. Some people on here are just mean and unpleasant and respond to people just to be combative. It’s a shame.

Yes.

I agree with you OP, but I knew this thread would trigger a lot of dispiriting baying of 'just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I have to be nice' (in many cases proving the point beautifully) and snarling about 'be kind' type sentiments.

IMHO it's not about #bekind or about the pressure on women specifically to be kind (which I do agree exists, way too much.) It's as though a lot of people have stopped caring about being a decent human being and having a bit of compassion/empathy for others. Or am I just getting jaundiced from too much AIBU vitriol?

So many people seem to either have had empathy/emotional intelligence bypasses or are actively out to be nasty. It's depressing and unconstructive.

Quite honestly I think MN would be a better and more constructive space if AIBU was axed, because AIBU's the main viper pit, but also the main cash cow, so that'll never happen. #cynical

YANBU op.

The level of ‘harsh’ and the lack of any sort of empathy from many on MN in recent years is real.

It’s like a race to the bottom with a massive dose of bitterness. I imagine the harsh, cutting, bitter comments are people who wouldn’t actually say those things out loud in real life to people but let it all flow on here as it’s an anonymous forum. Like a cathartic release for all their own problems.

I also think the way SM encourages an “us and them” mentality, a ‘pick a side and stick to it’ mentality has left a lot of people unable to see another’s point of view at ALL. Many people now can’t see the shades of grey when discussing something.

It's a discussion forum and as such it's made up of individuals with a range of attributes, opinions and voices. I don't regard it as a 'community'. It happens to be mostly women but that doesn't mean I agree with every one of them or even most of them, or share their ideals or values and I'm not keen on cliques or 'group think'. Some individual contributions are nasty, aggressive, bigoted, ignorant or whatever and some threads or individuals annoying and I would dearly love to see the back of them. If only we had an Ignore button - we can't hide individuals as far as I know but can hide whole threads.

Women in distress, or men for that matter, if they post about a problem or dilemma, I think are generally treated with consideration or at least honest advice intended to help - and should be - but there's a chance they might receive some responses that are careless or cruel.

Same here. Hours of fun trying to decipher an endless stream of apparently random series of letters just so I can make sense of a new thread.

Alan Turing would have loved MN.