AIBU to feel disheartened by the lack of support and the presence of a crab bucket mentality among some women on here?

All internet forums are just 'people'. It can aim for decent language to be majoritive, like scores of other forums. It has certainly managed to make aggression and hostility majoritive.

I find that most people with problems, have them because they're doing something wrong. They often need a lifestyle change, e.g. diabetes - change their diet, in severe debt- stop buying branded food and downsize to a cheaper area. But so many people just want to complain about their situation, instead of making better choices. However the small percent of people who happen to fall into a bad situation, through no fault of their own e g. Husband left them with 4 kids, wife passed away, made redundant etc. I think this is a good site as many people come from different cultures and backgrounds, all those views and life experiences give good perspectives.

That kind of nuance is not possible here. This place is anyone and everyone, and lots will have views that are abhorrent to many others. It's just 'people'.

I think what happens is people massively miss the point of these threads. You can always find people worse off than yourself, but if even people on what we think of as "good" salaries are worrying about money, then what does that say about the state of the economy as a whole? I don't think people are complaining to rub other people's noses in it who have less.

Of course people can say what they want – they'd never be any real policing of what people say, beyond the MN talk guidelines. But that doesn't mean it's a productive place to be and it doesn't mean its impacts are more negative than positive.

I genuinely get so tired of the alternative displayed to be a 'there there, dear' approach. No one has to, nor should they, go to the other end of the spectrum and no one is suggesting that. In very simplistic terms, instead of saying 'Boo hoo, my diamond shoes are too tight. Get a grip.' (something I have read countless times on here when the OP is simply fretting about money), you could instead say 'Some awareness would go a long way here. The majority of the UK is in a far worse position than you. You may have to face making some sacrifices'.

Yes, exactly, I would never post on here for help about anything anymore, people just cross reference everything and pull you apart for making poor choices. I am pretty tough as a personality and experienced in debating but on most threads now a load of belittling goes on and it is relentless! I was on a discussion about a film and there are posters that are berating those that didn’t like the film, it was just pure anger not about the film in the end. I think I spotted many angry men on there a mile off, you can tell with style of writing, it is horrible.

Crabs in a bucket mentality is about being a hater. It’s about trying to drag others down because your own situation is shit. You can’t handle seeing others progress or have more than you so you’ve got to try and fuck it up for them either by discouraging them, ridiculing them, making them think they already have too much and should settle etc. It’s nothing to do with tough love or being horrible in general.

When you post here though, you are essentially. talking to a cross section of society. So someone complaining about their life on their 6 figures can sound ridiculous to someone on the dole. Someone on 6 figures can look at a dole recipient and think 'get up off your arse and work'. It is what it is.

Raw anger at someone complaining about life being tough?

Because that's what the thread is about. About people having a tough time, posting about it and people being unempathic and dismissive in response and the OP had hoped it would be more supportive.

And then people lost the point of the thread including you, and you felt someone was demanding you disguise your rage and 'know your place'????

Tbh t'internet is not the most sensible place to seek warm hugs and hand holds from

Like anywhere online

People may need those things... but expectations of it from online forums are doomed...

But I can only speak for now I suppose? When I was initially on MN, it was 13 years ago, and it purely pregnancy related. Then I found AIBU 😂

And it’s actually the people least mentally up for it who are most in need of the forum.

I think what’s tricky are those who are here for entertainment ( or tension release) wading in where there is a real issue at the other end for OP.

You didn’t have to always be mentally up for MN, it wouldn’t have occurred to me to only go on MN 15 years ago, 10 even if I was mentally up for it.

I know. But this place is representative of many parts of society. All sorts of people. All sorts of experiences. That's what makes it so good. And when someone acts the arse there's generally loads of support for an OP too. But as I said earlier on, I wouldn't tend to post if I was feeling ropey, because I would know I was opening myself up to all sorts of opinions and not all of them positive. There is a personal responsibility bit here.

Also “ that’s a batshit opinion”.

Threads that are basically a string of LTB ( no one dare point out DH might have had another view in the situation.

And the amateur psychology that goes on There’s barely a thread where the words toxic, narcisstic, passive aggressive or abusive are not fired out - usually in such a way as to ride roughshod over any nuanced assessment of the behaviour or its motivations.

People have strong ties to places that happen to be the ‘Home Counties’ like you are demonstrating but people just associate home counties with a certain stereotype on here so you are never going to get any sympathy. Although do feel a bit bad as we are in Sussex and obviously originally Londoners but that’s distant youth now. We have family in Oxford, North London and Sussex now, we wouldn’t want to move further away as it feels like home like you it would have to be very down on our luck and we aren’t in that position. I’m not even saying we personally aren’t lucky but on MN it Is definitely 6 figure equates to SE life of luxury!

Yes, I don’t think any of that is unreasonable. I’ve found a lot of support here when I was having a complicated pregnancy, and one time Mn was just wonderful in advising what might be wrong with my toddler in severe discomfort when I had just arrived in a remote holiday location. There are absolutely things I don’t like about it in terms of widespread attitudes, some low standards in relationships, some deeply odd ideas about male/female friendships etc, but you’ll find stuff you don’t like in any big online forum.

Yes but there are ways and ways …

The replies you’re getting on here are all a case in point 🤣🤣
I hate the sitting on the fence with arms crossed type replies, all judgement with no helpful advice but maybe that’s just me☺️

That's the point of these forums though, people can say what they feel. If it was all 'there there dear' it'd be fairly useless. I don't post if I'm not mentally up to it.

The thing I find sad is that so many people have fallen so deep into negativity now that when you try to up the general mood of a thread, or tell someone actually things may not be as bad as they seem people SLAUGHTER you- how dare you introduce any light in here! That’s why I think people should stay on here, otherwise it’s as bad as the really bad corners of Twitter. People need hope edited to add: and some people sadly don’t have anyone else to offer it

I think the problem is not differing viewpoints, it’s the fact that it gets delivered with such derision or anger. Of course it’s obvious to all that this betrays a sore spot or Achilles heel of the poster; but it still can be offputting to wade through the vitriol.

Totally agree.
I’m tired of responses on threads such as

“get a grip”
”grow up”
“jog on”
“oh do piss off”
“ODFO”

It’s just nasty and is not what some people call ‘a reality check’ it’s just divisive and horrible.

So much bitterness and resentment carried around by people.

I don't think it's very 'know your place', because it has nothing to do with appropriate behaviour in the face of status or seniority. It's just simply not actively deriding someone – more fruitful, helpful and productive conversations can be had and people far, far more receptive when they aren't being spoken to with such profound hostility.

I also doubt that most time when an OP or other posters are spoken to very poorly, that it is out of rage, it comes out of oneupmanship and the enjoyment of snark, derision and the attempt to make someone feel bad. You can very clearly read it in the tone. Regardless, I'm also not sure productive conversations can be had when someone is full of rage.

Most people posting out of worry are not shit people. And they quite simply don't deserve it.