Is this going to cause a massive family rift?

He's ticking a lot of boxes for ADD and / or autism. Speaking as someone who is bringing up 2 auDHD teens.

Many years ago when I was much younger my mother had this sort of issue with her brother.

There were several similar instances where he did terrible DIY jobs for my parents that they paid for and then had to spend money we didn’t have on getting things fixed properly (think no family holidays, no school trips, no new shoes etc).

Eventually my mum had had enough and stopped talking to him, caused a big argument with her mother and a family rift. There were other issues but the money for crap work was the tipping point.

He may be depressed but that is irrelevant in this situation. He did a shitty job, either don’t pay him or pay him part of what you agreed for the time spent and don’t ever ask him to do anything ever again. I would suggest avoiding a family argument over it if you can.

I wonder if he has ADHD? Not making excuses, but he fits some of the condition

He sounds like a spoilt brat, quite frankly. I would t pay him for this or any other job - & I’d make it clear to the rest of the family that he’s taking them for a ride too.
You can support him if he’s having mental health challenges - invite him round, go for walks, have dinner together - but no more jobs & no more funds!!

Sounds like your older brother is more reasonable than your mum and feckless brother. Maybe build on your relationship with him, along with your dh, to preempt or prevent the whole gang turning on you. A benign version of divide and conquer to protect yourself.

The fact that it is "impossible" to prove or refute is exactly why it's such an easy excuse for him to use. He can call someone "heartless" and "mean" if they question him.

DH is right! Payment is on finish to a satisfactory standard. If you had someone else in and they behaved this way, you would not pay

so OP, of the possible options ruling out miracles, what do you want and how are you going to go about getting it?

No you didn't just have to drop it at the time. If your mother had taken the dog home then you didn't have to fly home but when you did get home you could still have dealt well and truly with your moocher brother. If it had been my dog he would no longer have balls....and I don't mean the dog. You know the saying.....madness is doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

Oh well that was all fine then. Just forget about it, as you seem to have done quite happily 🙄

Unbelievable

I don't want to include too many details here, but the poster who identified that your mother is building herself a would-be husband is absolutely bang on. My mother always favourited my GC brother out of the four of us. He could do no wrong, ever, no matter what. If any of us ever pointed it out, we were childish and ridiculous. Ultimately, everything my mother did to help him was reversed, becoming expectations on him. Suddenly he was married, trying to start a family, functioning with my mother as a dependent child.

When she died, he was away working - which she'd asked him not to do. Can you imagine the trauma he's endured since? He's so messed up idk what to do anymore.

Anyway, I had several thoughts as I was reading this.

1. You said your mum ignored your messages, and I wondered why you'd messaged her at all. Try to keep her out of it as much as possible. Don't be hoping she'll validate your actions because she won't.
2. I never tell women to hide behind their spouses, but in this instance, I think your husband might actually give you enough space to be a bit brave here, since all you have to do is say 'I've tried but he won't budge/ not going to ruin my marriage over this.'
3. If the whole thing erupts, drop this thread in the group chat. Every member of your family has been sheltered from the utter dysfunction because they have been isolated from the real world by engaging only with the family about family matters. They need to see the family through other people's eyes. I know this might feel like a scary move, but I promise you, nothing is more ultimately validating than the knowledge that your family know, categorically, that most rationally minded people agree with you, and not them.
4. You would be okay without the lot of them, you know. It would be sad, there would be lots of crying, and lots of wishing it had turned out differently. But you'd be okay, and you wouldn't be continually desperate for someone you care about to see you, recognise your needs, and treat you equally. I'm not sure that prior to this thread you've ever really stopped to see the damage it's causing you to continually come second (or third, as you mentioned your eldest brother is the GC!) or what it's going to do to your children to see you treated that way. I'd bet my right arm your husband is hopping mad and biting his tongue for your benefit. No way is he enjoying watching you treated so badly, and whilst expecting?! No.
5. I can pretty much guarantee that the moment you put your foot down, you'll catalyse a domino effect. When I left home and went no contact with my mother, the entire family followed, except for my GC brother. His decision to stay was complicated and ruined his life.
6. I have been a chronic depressive since I was 15. I am now in my late thirties. I have never behaved the way this man is behaving. It's not depression, it's entitlement, and it is learned behaviour. You can't stop your mother (or anyone else) from coddling him, but you can be brave and start the ball rolling yourself. If anyone challenges you, you have two options here.

Best of luck with it all, OP. Let us know how you get on.

What’s going to happen when your mum is no longer here? Your other brother will get sick of having to sort him out? Is everything going to be left to you? Will mum leave him the house so he can drink it into the ground ?

if people are pushing you to pay , send him a £1 , it’s all it’s worth

it would be interesting to see what the real stories is of the all the boring jobs he “left”

I’m sorry but that just wouldn’t wash with me. I honestly would have flown home, chucked him out on his arse and never spoken to him again. No matter what anyone else had to say about it. No one treats my dog like that. Ever

Jeez if anyone treated my dog like that they’d be out of my life permanently. They’d be lucky to have the full use of both legs.

That has really upset me, but your ‘last straw’ is a fucking lump of wood.

Your priorities are absolutely fucked up.

And that’s without going near the godfather shit.

Is that the thread about buying him swimming trunks and then he and your DM having you pay for lunch/drinks?

He has really been a grifter for a long time.

I also am very sorry, but I don't believe that your DB is truly depressed. He picked a MH issue that is really impossible to refute and easily used as an excuse. The fact that he can do what he wants when he wants pretty much tosses a wrench in that excuse. Well, and not getting help for all these years, as getting help would mean he has to become an adult. Heaven forbid!

Your DM constantly gives him her approval because he conveniently fulfils her need. She can afford to carry on subsidising his rent and his leisure activities. For her, it’s nothing to do with what is morally right and wrong. All she knows is that she wants to keep him close and useful to her and her money is the way to do it.
Somewhere deep down she knows that he wouldn’t give a care about her ordinarily -unless she bankrolls him, so that’s why she doesn’t want you to rock the boat. She insists you give him your approval at every opportunity too and make excuses for him like she does.
She has no right to undermine your decision when her own is morally lacking.

I think you need to pull away a bit from your DM as well as stand your ground with your DB. The right thing to do over the painting job, is as you already decided….offer him anything that’s left over from putting his work right or charge him for the extra it costs you to put his work right. You had a verbal contract and everybody has to learn that lesson -that you must accept all the consequences of not fulfilling your side of the bargain (which may include your DS being very upset with you)

You feel fully justified in having him as godfather and have explained your position. Just be aware though, that he accepts your approval for his godfather role and status as though he is entitled to it …not as if it is a privilege. He won’t take the role seriously at all. He will just be led to think that you trust him and therfore approve of him.

It is that constant approval that fuels his selfishness, flippancy, arrogance entitlement and ignorance. Even if he is fun at times (that suit him.)

but he isn't being responsible is he? he is enabling!

If you want to make someone think its worth changing their behaviour (and THEY have to choose to do it), then the first step is to stop rewarding the behaviour.

I think it matters. I think the people who you have around your children and show your children that you approve of their behaviour by supporting it, will have an effect on what your children think is acceptable. (sorry about the long sentence.) What you will be showing your children is that its ok to be a whining moocher provided that you are "fun" when you choose to be.