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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this going to cause a massive family rift?

545 replies

Whatdoyoudowiththedrunkensailor · 04/04/2024 17:09

Sorry for length of this -

I have an older brother who is a little bit of a moocher - I’ve posted about him before under a different name. He has had a great education and many opportunities in life and has ended up, in his mid 30s, with no money and financially dependent on my mother. He never pays for himself and works a couple of hours a day, and that’s it. He is always feeling sorry for himself due to having no money, and therefore my mother/other siblings bank roll him as they worry he is depressed. I think he’s just playing on their emotions/using them (but I can’t be sure of this).

He is always asking us if he can do odd jobs for cash. We let him dog sit last year whilst we were away - fridge full of food for him at ours, 25£ a day etc, and he fucked off for 10 hours a day to see friends and left our dog crying (we could hear on camera after neighbour messaged asking if dog was alright)/had to get mother to intervene as we were abroad. Came home to a fruit bowl full of rotting fruit and fridge full of off milk etc.

Anyway we are expecting and he’s due to be god father as he is an extremely fun brother/uncle. We offered him 200-300£ to paint a wardrobe for the baby as he’s very talented artistically and his hobby is art related. He agreed. We set a deadline of 1 week for the work to be finished. 3 weeks later. 3 weeks of him lying (I can’t do it today as I’m working - turns out he was just at home chilling etc), showing up hours after he said he would, us waiting around for him….what he has painted is shockingly bad - he didn’t put the tape on properly and it needs totally clearing up/the non painted bits will need to be repainted to fix it. Anyway we basically said “if you don’t want to do this please just say as we had another person lined up”. No, he’s sorry but he’s not motivated. Ok, fine. So we have to get the other person to undo all his shitty work and the deadline was weeks ago and this has been a totally maddening experience.

Today he messaged asking for money for the time spent on it. On one hand - maybe he is depressed (although he is never too depressed to see his friends and do the things HE wants to do - dinners, lunches, cinema trips, gym etc) and he did spend some time painting. On the other hand he totally fucking let us down and it’s going to now cost us MORE money than the other person originally quoted as she’s not starting from scratch.

I don’t want to cause a huge family argument if we don’t pay him so do we just pay him something? What’s fair?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatdoyoudowiththedrunkensailor · 04/04/2024 19:32

I understand why everyone is focussing on the godparent parent thing but he is there for every child’s events and christmases/birthdays etc and he is a wonderful uncle. I know he’s not responsible but my other brother (who is extremely responsible) has never had to have the children alone etc so I don’t particularly expect DB to have to carry out any actual responsibilities - I think it’s more of a ceremonial role these days. DC1’s godmother moved abroad and has seen him once in 2 years and DC2’s godfather has seen him once in his life. It would be really very nasty to just remove the role from
him, as he really wanted it. Having said that, I mentioned it as I think it does make it even more upsetting that he’s just “not motivated” to have done this. It would have been easy money for him and, as a PP said, many uncles would have just done it for free.

I will just wait for the finished quote when the wardrobe has been fixed and deduct it from the agreed amount and explain to him/my family we are X out of pocket. I’m so surprised (but not, if that makes sense) that he even asked.

i do just suspect years of not having to do anything has rendered him incapable of bothering to do anything that’s not 100% what he wants to do.

this post and the answers have made me consider carefully how I feel about my family never taking my side on stuff, even when I think it’s pretty clear what’s right and wrong.

OP posts:
Daffodilsarentfluffy · 04/04/2024 19:29

My ex had diagnosed depression.. Refused meds.
The fine line between a mh condition and just being a twat. He wobbled on it every day.
His condition enabled him to play pool and golf and go out drinking at football matches..
Didn't extend to school runs, shopping, taking ddog out or any household chores..
Easy to figure out why he was single with 2 ex dw's behind him.
And a terrible df..
Thankfully we didn't have any together

Left · 04/04/2024 19:29

Have you posted about him before? The dynamic is similar to a previous thread about a brother who never pays for his share (for example at family meals).

Tel12 · 04/04/2024 19:27

He's obviously got away with it his whole life. Maybe a rift is what's needed for people to wake up to the fact that he doesn't do any work because he doesn't want to. Definitely don't pay him, he's taking advantage. I definitely wouldn't ask him to do anything again. As for your poor dog. .........

crockofshite · 04/04/2024 19:27

LookItsMeAgain · 04/04/2024 17:49

First post nails it!

That's all there is to it.

Show quote history

He's going to be a terrible god father, he'll forget xmas and birthdays and will always be compared to the other more reliable brother.

If you do keep him as godfather you'll need a decent backup god person to be there for your 2nd child.

Give him half the money, call it quits and never expect him to do anything ever again.

Depression doesn't make you a lazy unreliable knob , and you can get treatment for depression

Rosscameasdoody · 04/04/2024 19:26

Being a godfather comes with responsibilities which it doesn’t sound as though he’s up to. That aside l wouldn’t pay him whether it caused a rift or not. Stop enabling and bankrolling him. If he’s this irresponsible you’re not doing him any favours.

xyz111 · 04/04/2024 19:25

YABU to keep giving him chances!! After the dog incident, I wouldn't have trusted him with anything else. People like that don't change.
And a god parent is normally someone who you would trust if god forbid anything happened to the parents. He can't look after himself, let alone children.

VenetiaHallisWellPosh · 04/04/2024 19:24

The whole family are enabling this behaviour and the DB is doing FA to address his depression (if indeed that's what he has). Just stop it all now. Csll his bluff and say you're taking him to see the GP. I bet he wriggles out of it with a lame excuse.

Also I know he's already been promised the Godfather role but if he can't look after your dog, HTH is he going to cope with looking after a small human?

Tough love is needed.

CalisthenicsOnDemand · 04/04/2024 19:23

OP are you aware of what being a godparent actually means?
Traditionally someone guiding the child's spiritual development. But in 2024, it's someone of good character who can be another trusted adult.
Not this waste of space! Goodness.
What a bad example for the children.

Andthereyougo · 04/04/2024 19:23

You wouldn’t pay anyone else for doing a bad job so why pay him? If it upsets your mum tough. He’s an adult and needs to start behaving like one.

gavisconismyfriend · 04/04/2024 19:14

I would pay him a token amount just to keep everyone off my back and then never, ever, ever agree to pay him for something again.

LakeTiticaca · 04/04/2024 19:11

Give him nothing and bin him off as the godfather ( he'll probably want paying for that!!) Depression my arse, he's a bone idle grifter who's taking the piss
Don't fall for it

Toddlerteaplease · 04/04/2024 19:06

I'm also wondering why the hell you want him to be godfather!

ChocoChocoLatte · 04/04/2024 19:04

I'd be texting back something like 'even for you that's hysterical, good one' and never asking him to do anything ever again. Least of all godparent. What kind of example is he to any child?

Universalsnail · 04/04/2024 19:01

I wouldn't pay him. He didn't complete the job.

TheFormidableMrsC · 04/04/2024 18:59

@Floralnomad pay him something for a shit job and thus continuing enabling his behaviour? Are you insane?

TheFormidableMrsC · 04/04/2024 18:56

He's got you all over a barrel and he knows it. Making excuses for his behaviour, bankrolling him, he's got no motivation to stand on his own two feet! He's not depressed enough to not have a grand old time out and about with his mates, none of which he pays for. He neglected your dog and still everybody is making excuses for him! I am hugely sympathetic to depression, I've been there myself (as a lone parent with a disabled child) but you still have to pick up and get on, seek help and meds. He's just a waste or bloody space and you're all enabling him! He must have a right old giggle behind your backs!

Applescruffle · 04/04/2024 18:52

Dacadactyl · 04/04/2024 18:39

@Applescruffle that is depressing.

Yes, but very real

Arrestedmanevolence · 04/04/2024 18:42

I wouldnt pay but just say that the other person will is fixing the fuck up is more expensive so you can't afford to.

Don't let him be god parent. He hasn't even been a good dog parent!

SharpWriter · 04/04/2024 18:42

He owes you money for not looking after your dog properly in accordance with what you agreed, so tell him based on that you'll call it quits. Sorry you're having this aggro.

Reeceseggaddict · 04/04/2024 18:39

Whatdoyoudowiththedrunkensailor · 04/04/2024 17:37

Just to be clear about the type of paint issue I mean - so that people understand and maybe it’s not as bad as I think? The pink is just going to need either scraping off (without ruining the white) or painting over. He was supposed to paint flowers etc on the doors and started it (barely) but that too needs to be undone as the artist can’t do the same style and uses different paints so it would look awful if a mismatch.

I’ve already told him he can be godfather so I can’t really take it away

A child could paint furniture better than that. It’s shit. Don’t pay him a penny

Dacadactyl · 04/04/2024 18:39

@Applescruffle that is depressing.

Original poster
Whatdoyoudowiththedrunkensailor · 04/04/2024 18:37

Applescruffle · 04/04/2024 18:36

I'm sitting here wondering if maybe I was a hit harsh in what I said but honestly, I wasn't exaggerating when I said I've seen it over and over. I used to work in debt advice and the amount of middle aged women having severe financial problems with adult sons living at home was huge. Alaays the mums and the adult sons, never dads and never daughters. So many of them saying "I can't cancel my hugely expensive sky package so I can afford basic necessities because Craig needs his sky sports" or "I can't expect Liam to contribute, he has his phone/gym membership/nights out to pay for" etc etc. Taking on extra shifts at work or borrowing beyond their means to bankroll men in their late 20s and 30s who wouldn't even buy their mothers so much as a mothers' day card.
It's the ultimate unseen toxic relationship and its epidemic. And IME, its extremely difficult to talk either side out of it. The last things you want to do is get involved in any way OP just don't be another person he walks all over.

That is absolutely fascinating and I can well believe it!

OP posts:
Applescruffle · 04/04/2024 18:36

I'm sitting here wondering if maybe I was a hit harsh in what I said but honestly, I wasn't exaggerating when I said I've seen it over and over. I used to work in debt advice and the amount of middle aged women having severe financial problems with adult sons living at home was huge. Alaays the mums and the adult sons, never dads and never daughters. So many of them saying "I can't cancel my hugely expensive sky package so I can afford basic necessities because Craig needs his sky sports" or "I can't expect Liam to contribute, he has his phone/gym membership/nights out to pay for" etc etc. Taking on extra shifts at work or borrowing beyond their means to bankroll men in their late 20s and 30s who wouldn't even buy their mothers so much as a mothers' day card.
It's the ultimate unseen toxic relationship and its epidemic. And IME, its extremely difficult to talk either side out of it. The last things you want to do is get involved in any way OP just don't be another person he walks all over.

Brefugee · 04/04/2024 18:34

Whatdoyoudowiththedrunkensailor · 04/04/2024 18:23

The issue is I can’t really help him when he’s being enabled and not helping himself. I can distance myself and not enable him also, but I will just become the arsehole to everyone as saying no to him feels like kicking a puppy must do.

Show quote history

agree with pp that you ask your family what they would pay for that, deduct the extra costs you have and tell them the answer. If they want to give him money that's their look out, but you are enabling him if you pay him for that.

And if you love him - you need to lead on this. Explain to your family that they are enabling and encouraging him and that you are no longer prepared to do this. You need to explain to them in clear terms that your brother needs help and what they are doing is hindering that. And then step back. It is the only way he's going to get any help at all.