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Original poster

Is this going to cause a massive family rift?

545 replies

Whatdoyoudowiththedrunkensailor · 04/04/2024 17:09

Sorry for length of this -

I have an older brother who is a little bit of a moocher - I’ve posted about him before under a different name. He has had a great education and many opportunities in life and has ended up, in his mid 30s, with no money and financially dependent on my mother. He never pays for himself and works a couple of hours a day, and that’s it. He is always feeling sorry for himself due to having no money, and therefore my mother/other siblings bank roll him as they worry he is depressed. I think he’s just playing on their emotions/using them (but I can’t be sure of this).

He is always asking us if he can do odd jobs for cash. We let him dog sit last year whilst we were away - fridge full of food for him at ours, 25£ a day etc, and he fucked off for 10 hours a day to see friends and left our dog crying (we could hear on camera after neighbour messaged asking if dog was alright)/had to get mother to intervene as we were abroad. Came home to a fruit bowl full of rotting fruit and fridge full of off milk etc.

Anyway we are expecting and he’s due to be god father as he is an extremely fun brother/uncle. We offered him 200-300£ to paint a wardrobe for the baby as he’s very talented artistically and his hobby is art related. He agreed. We set a deadline of 1 week for the work to be finished. 3 weeks later. 3 weeks of him lying (I can’t do it today as I’m working - turns out he was just at home chilling etc), showing up hours after he said he would, us waiting around for him….what he has painted is shockingly bad - he didn’t put the tape on properly and it needs totally clearing up/the non painted bits will need to be repainted to fix it. Anyway we basically said “if you don’t want to do this please just say as we had another person lined up”. No, he’s sorry but he’s not motivated. Ok, fine. So we have to get the other person to undo all his shitty work and the deadline was weeks ago and this has been a totally maddening experience.

Today he messaged asking for money for the time spent on it. On one hand - maybe he is depressed (although he is never too depressed to see his friends and do the things HE wants to do - dinners, lunches, cinema trips, gym etc) and he did spend some time painting. On the other hand he totally fucking let us down and it’s going to now cost us MORE money than the other person originally quoted as she’s not starting from scratch.

I don’t want to cause a huge family argument if we don’t pay him so do we just pay him something? What’s fair?

OP posts:
turnips4u · 04/04/2024 21:39

Incidentally, the distress he caused your poor dog would have been enough for me to keep this selfish, nasty creep a long way away from any living being that I loved - permanently

This. He is a cruel, horrible man and you somehow think a guy that demands money from his own family for doing fuck all and NEGLECTS YOUR DOG makes a "fun uncle"- yes, coz nothing says "fun uncle" like animal neglect does it?

Bloody hell.

ArrrMeHearties · 04/04/2024 21:38

I wouldn't pay for anything and I also wouldn't want him to be the godfather to my child tbh

GoldenSpraint · 04/04/2024 21:37

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AmericanUgly · 04/04/2024 21:34

Your family thinks they're being kind to your brother with this behaviour (from all of you) but you're not. Do not pay him - he did half of a job and did it badly. In the real world nobody would pay him for that job. Propping up men like this only increases their laziness and entitlement. Eventually he'll break the law and still think it's ok, and you won't be able to baby him then.

As for the godparent thing - I assume your kids are very young, given your talk about the 'fun' uncle that he is. Well that's not what godparents are about. Your kids are going to get older and they're going to see him as the person he is. You don't realise it now but they will relate to him person to person and they will have opinions. And either it will be 'Uncle Trunkless doesn't work and still has a good life so why should we?' or it'll be 'Uncle Trunkless is such a creepy loser, lying in bed at his mum's at his age. Why did my parents think we'd want him in our lives?'

Incidentally, the distress he caused your poor dog would have been enough for me to keep this selfish, nasty creep a long way away from any living being that I loved - permanently.

GoldenSpraint · 04/04/2024 21:30

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Newuser75 · 04/04/2024 21:20

AmiShitsaline · 04/04/2024 17:53

No don’t pay, any normal brother/uncle/godparent would have painted it for free so you were kind to offer payment in the first place, he has thrown your generosity back in your face.

That's what I was going to say. No way would I pay him for that, but then I wouldn't have expected to pay a brother to do me a favour anyway.

coffeeandcake91 · 04/04/2024 21:19

If there was a contract in place, you wouldn't have to pay. There was a deadline which he missed, did not perform to standards, and you had to pay more to the other person due to his painting. so he would have owed the excess you paid new person.

Simply say not paying.

Original poster
Whatdoyoudowiththedrunkensailor · 04/04/2024 21:15

I definitely don’t want to be in any sort of “mummy” role with him but my other sibling and mother just think:

”he can’t afford to pay for stuff on his own, so either we pay for him or he’s left out, which isn’t in the spirit of family”.

therefore everyone automatically pays for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatdoyoudowiththedrunkensailor · 04/04/2024 21:13

Lucy377 · 04/04/2024 21:09

You offered to buy him trunks.
You had the expectation that in exchange for that he'd play with your kids in the pool.

He didn't realise what your agenda for him was.

He sounds fairly naive. Not malicious or calculating, just childlike and thinking you are his Mummy and therefore he can be a kid.

He sounds about 13 or 14 when you describe his actions.

If, say, DHs friend was at the playground would you have offered to buy him trunks?

The dynamic of you offering to pay for the trunks and 'take' him to the pool was putting your brother into a child place while you be Mummy. That's what you are all doing with him.

Edited

it Was 100% clear I was asking if he wanted to swim WITH US. Not on his own WITH US. The expectation was incredibly clear.

it wasn’t my agenda at all - you seem to be wanting to make me the “bad guy”. I was just taking my children swimming and thought he might like to join us and play in the pool as he loves playing with the children. It had never occurred to me he would just go swimming on his own!

OP posts:
godmum56 · 04/04/2024 21:13

Dacadactyl · 04/04/2024 17:32

I'd be so over this waste of space by now I'd have gone no contact (and I don't say that lightly)

I'd tell him to do one. No wonder he's useless if people are going to take his side over yours on this.

What a loser and an embarrassment. I'd not name him Godfather either.

This. Exactly this.

EmmaEmerald · 04/04/2024 21:09

@Whatdoyoudowiththedrunkensailor Oh well

He can be the one to parent your brother when the time comes.

I understand that family dynamics are frequently awful but I reckon you'd be better off quietly stepping away. And he is not a fun uncle. He didn't actually want to join you at swimming. Why draw your DC into that?

Lucy377 · 04/04/2024 21:09

You offered to buy him trunks.
You had the expectation that in exchange for that he'd play with your kids in the pool.

He didn't realise what your agenda for him was.

He sounds fairly naive. Not malicious or calculating, just childlike and thinking you are his Mummy and therefore he can be a kid.

He sounds about 13 or 14 when you describe his actions.

If, say, DHs friend was at the playground would you have offered to buy him trunks?

The dynamic of you offering to pay for the trunks and 'take' him to the pool was putting your brother into a child place while you be Mummy. That's what you are all doing with him.

PerfectTravelTote · 04/04/2024 21:08

He does the same thing over and over and you keep expecting different results.

Pay him something this time to keep the peace but stop asking him to do things and stop expecting him to change.

DodoTired · 04/04/2024 21:06

WHY would you ask someone like that to be a godparent?? 🤦‍♀️

Original poster
Whatdoyoudowiththedrunkensailor · 04/04/2024 21:04

EmmaEmerald · 04/04/2024 20:53

@Whatdoyoudowiththedrunkensailor You mention another sibling

What do they think of this?

I wasn't going to say it but now I've now read the replies by others so about the drinking.... one contact ended up with her brother in A&E from his drinking about a year after their mother died.

Their mum did everything for him. I'm pleased to say my contact wasn't having any of it, and he did at least have a job.

But he was asking her to do all his domestics, like he thought it was her job. She had cancer (recovered now) and he never gave a shit about that.

One day she got that call from A&E and when he eventually agreed to therapy, it was made clear to him that the loss wasn't his mother. The loss was a massive chunk of his adulthood. She has virtually gone NC now, there's no hope really.

My mother is 85 and my parents were the community type, so know loads of people. The number of 40 something gamers living with elderly parents and expecting to be waited on is astonishing. Your brother might be in the flat upstairs but I'm going to guess your mum sorts all his domestics?

My other sibling lives locally and he and DB are very close so they go out for drinks/dinner etc a lot as well. I think he feels quite responsible for DB and although he does appreciate he’s enabling him DB doesn’t let him down in the same way as he has me and therefore I think he is a lot more generous hearted towards him
than I now am. He thinks he’s depressed and I’m being hard on him.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/04/2024 20:57

FirstFallopians · 04/04/2024 18:01

You do realise that he'd be the one looking after your DC in the event of something happening to you and DH?

Being a Godparent doesn’t mean you automatically become a guardian if something happens to the parents.

DD and DS have different Godparents, but we’ve nominated my sister and BIL as guardians if something happened to DH and I. Their godparents are just extra special aunties and uncles.

Given everything you mentioned about DB, is he really going to be an extra special uncle?
Will he take the same interest as your older child's godfather?
A friend was in a similar situation. The godparent enjoyed being the centre of attention at the Christening and then barely bothered. Didn't come to its Confirmation (which godparents were invited to)

crockofshite · 04/04/2024 20:56

Whatdoyoudowiththedrunkensailor · 04/04/2024 20:43

The short story (pun intended) was that he joined DC and me spontaneously at the playground. We were going swimming and he wanted to come with us. He didn’t have trunks with him as it was an impromptu thing so I offered to buy him some at the sports club. He fucked off into the big pool and did lengths for 30 mins and the sauna. We were in the baby pool - the only time he joined us was to come in and take the spare children’s goggles I had and fuck off back to the pool. This was very recently so things have really come to a head now for me re what I’m prepared to deal with .

Show quote history

Thanks for adding the story. He was incredibly selfish.

has he ever been taught to think of other people or how his actions affect others?

EmmaEmerald · 04/04/2024 20:53

@Whatdoyoudowiththedrunkensailor You mention another sibling

What do they think of this?

I wasn't going to say it but now I've now read the replies by others so about the drinking.... one contact ended up with her brother in A&E from his drinking about a year after their mother died.

Their mum did everything for him. I'm pleased to say my contact wasn't having any of it, and he did at least have a job.

But he was asking her to do all his domestics, like he thought it was her job. She had cancer (recovered now) and he never gave a shit about that.

One day she got that call from A&E and when he eventually agreed to therapy, it was made clear to him that the loss wasn't his mother. The loss was a massive chunk of his adulthood. She has virtually gone NC now, there's no hope really.

My mother is 85 and my parents were the community type, so know loads of people. The number of 40 something gamers living with elderly parents and expecting to be waited on is astonishing. Your brother might be in the flat upstairs but I'm going to guess your mum sorts all his domestics?

Original poster
Whatdoyoudowiththedrunkensailor · 04/04/2024 20:43

crockofshite · 04/04/2024 20:32

Please link the swimming trunks story...

Show quote history

The short story (pun intended) was that he joined DC and me spontaneously at the playground. We were going swimming and he wanted to come with us. He didn’t have trunks with him as it was an impromptu thing so I offered to buy him some at the sports club. He fucked off into the big pool and did lengths for 30 mins and the sauna. We were in the baby pool - the only time he joined us was to come in and take the spare children’s goggles I had and fuck off back to the pool. This was very recently so things have really come to a head now for me re what I’m prepared to deal with .

OP posts:
incognitogenius · 04/04/2024 20:42

I think when issues like this relate to your own family, it’s difficult to see the bigger picture. But your priority should be with your new baby’s arrival! He should be helping with that and not wanting to divert money away from your family. He doesn’t have dependents but you do. Time to step away from the nonsense

crockofshite · 04/04/2024 20:32

Whatdoyoudowiththedrunkensailor · 04/04/2024 19:35

Yes, yes I have. He’s the brother from
the swimming trunks story.

Show quote history

Please link the swimming trunks story...

PartOfTheFurniture12 · 04/04/2024 20:30

Having said that, I mentioned it as I think it does make it even more upsetting that he’s just “not motivated” to have done this. It would have been easy money for him and, as a PP said, many uncles would have just done it for free.

You should point this out to him when you respond. “The motivation to complete the job was £300, DB. You told us you weren’t motivated by that.”

Why should you have to pay twice for work he couldn’t be bothered to do?

I know you’ve said you aren’t reconsidering him being godfather. But I would look at the wardrobe (and your poor dog) as a symbol of how much effort he will be putting into this role he apparently cares so much about. Personally, I’d revoke the offer. “Sorry, DB. I know I promised I’d make you godfather… but I just wasn’t motivated enough.”

Atethehalloweenchocs · 04/04/2024 20:29

Yeah, MH is never that convenient. He is a CF. If it has to be fixed, dont pay. You would not pay a tradesman in this situation. Or give him a token amount if you absolutely cannot give him nothing - maybe deduct what it costs to fix his shitty work.

SeaToSki · 04/04/2024 20:21

Why the heck wouldnt he paint it for you for free? He is going to be the godfather to this LO, I would have expected him to want to do something nice for his future godchild. The cheek of him expecting to be paid at all, and then doing such a shoddy job. Your DH is right here.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 04/04/2024 20:20

Whatdoyoudowiththedrunkensailor · 04/04/2024 17:39

Thanks for all of the opinions btw - DH doesn’t want to pay him so wanted some other opinions

Your DH is absolutely right. He needs to be shown he can’t take the piss out of you. Not in a million years should you pay double because he couldn’t be arsed to do it properly. Don’t listen to your mum’s emotional blackmail.