Page 9 | Bf using my birthday gift with another woman

Pookie21 · 2024-04-04T15:54:26+00:00

My bf got us tickets to my favourite musical for my birthday in January, unfortunately we broke up shortly after for 6 weeks, but have now been back together a month. The show is next week, I’ve organised my kids but bf told me yesterday as he couldn’t get a refund he asked friends & is now taking a female friend instead (I vaguely know of her). AIBU in thinking that as the tickets were my main birthday gift he should either have given me both to use or cancel taking the woman & take me as they were part of my gift & we are back together? he says she helped him out by agreeing to come so doesn’t want to change her plans but if I were her I’d be happy to stand down as it was a special gift for us to enjoy together, it feels like he’s putting another woman’s feelings over mine.

Original poster

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 19:23

aloris · 04/04/2024 18:29

If your birthday was on the 15th and you broke up on the 20th, then the tickets should have been yours. On the other hand, if your birthday was on the 15th and you broke up on the 10th, then the tickets should have been his. He basically "gave" you a fake birthday present. Why are you dating someone who pretends to give you generous gifts, but actually they are really gifts to himself? You can't trust someone like that.

We organised the date of the musical early Jan (due to work/kids) so I knew on my birthday mid Jan these were my main present- we don’t live together so he sent me some flowers/little gifts to open on my actual birthday. Then I split up with him end of Jan 90% because of his behaviour/attitude (which he admits & takes responsibility for) - I was getting very ill physically & mentally trying to cope with/understand his behaviour & I tried for months so I really had no choice but to end things at that point.
he assured me he would change & work hard on his behaviour & I also took responsibility for my part & assured the same. We started talking after spending Valentine’s Day together (our mutual friend group met up that day which we were both at) & got back together early March so there was only about 3 weeks we weren’t together/talking with a view of getting back together.
he says because he couldn’t get a refund he arranged to go with a friend instead which is why I’m confused as either he should have given me the tickets, sold me the tickets or told me weeks ago he had made alternate plans.
I’m just so confused at this point tbh

OP posts:

kkloo · 04/04/2024 19:21

BCBird · 04/04/2024 18:11

I think it shows he has integrity. He has made arrangements and is not going to cancel his friend. You might feel uncomfortable, but that dies not mean he should sack off his friend.

It definitely doesn't show integrity.

The tickets were a birthday gift to her.
They then split up due to his behaviour and he decided he was keeping the birthday present and using it himself, and he's now upsetting his girlfriend over it.
He shouldn't be in this place in the first place because he shouldn't have decided he was taking the birthday present back.
He would also have the option of letting the female friend have both tickets if he doesn't want her to miss out.

Instead he's choosing to use his girlfriends birthday present to treat another woman.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 04/04/2024 19:20

YANBU. Agree with PP saying if he's that desperate to not let his friend down, then you should go with her!

Nicelynicelyjohnson · 04/04/2024 19:19

Pinkbonbon · 04/04/2024 19:15

He should have withdrawn the offer the second you got back together. As is, the respectful thing to do would be to give her his ticket and she can invite someone else. Or 'my gf wouldn't mind going with but if that's too weird then take another of your friends'.

A gift is his to use as he pleases, within reason. Not by going out with another women whilst in a relationship of course. But he doesn't have to take you either or owe you if he gives the tickets away.

I think if you buy a gift for someone else you should give it to them even if you split. This was OP's gift not bf.
If it had been the other way round and OP had bought two tickets to see bf's favourite band, it would be downright weird for her to go to the gig with a male friend instead of the person she bought the tickets for.

pinacoladasandgettingcaughtintherain · 04/04/2024 19:17

He has told you exactly who he is with this behaviour. You can choose to believe it or not. If you choose to ignore this horrendously selfish behaviour then you’re choosing to expose yourself to all the pain that there is to come.

Pinkbonbon · 04/04/2024 19:15

He should have withdrawn the offer the second you got back together. As is, the respectful thing to do would be to give her his ticket and she can invite someone else. Or 'my gf wouldn't mind going with but if that's too weird then take another of your friends'.

A gift is his to use as he pleases, within reason. Not by going out with another women whilst in a relationship of course. But he doesn't have to take you either or owe you if he gives the tickets away.

Original poster

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 19:13

C1N1C · 04/04/2024 18:22

100% YABU

He bought them as a present for you. You broke up with him. This no doubt hurt him. Naturally, he wouldn't go calling you saying you forgot your tickets! He then had to find a friend to go with, otherwise, the money would be wasted.

You then get back together with him and now want the tickets?

Sounds a bit money-grabbing and narcissistic to me. It partially sounds like you got back together FOR the tickets, but also like you want him to potentially break up a friendship for you.

Like saying he got you a car, but before giving it to , was in the shop getting pink upholstery. You then break up with , he's left in the lurch with what to do with it. Now you're , you're asking where your car is. Don't guilt him for selling it. That ship sailed when you split.

We arranged the date to go together early Jan (due to arranging work/kids) & they were my main birthday present- we don’t live together so he did send me some other little gifts too for my actual birthday. We split end of Jan, started talking after seeing each other with friends on Valentine’s Day & got back together early March. So there were actually only 3 weeks we weren’t talking. I split up with him due to his behaviour (90% him, which he admits & takes responsibility for, his behaviour over the course of a few months actually made me very ill ) but he assured me he was willing to change these things & I also assured him I would also work hard on my responsibilities in our relationship. He doesn’t like musicals, he wanted to take me to my favourite musical as a very thoughtful, generous gift. I would happily have purchased the tickets from him if he had offered them to me but I guess I’m assuming as he didn’t we would still be going together.
I didn’t ask for/take back his birthday gifts when we split as they were gifts, and his, but proportionally to our incomes, I ‘spent’ a LOT more than he did, so I assure you it’s definitely not the money as if it was, the tickets were a ‘cheaper’ gift & id be annoyed about that, but I’m not, I’m only saying about money to explain that has nothing to do with it.
I think a lot of me being confused is because we are in the same mutual friendship group so yes split up but were still in ‘contact’ because of this, he had the opportunity to give me my present, sell me my present or since early feb (if he rearranged this in those 3 weeks we weren’t together/talking with a view of getting back together) tell me he’d changed all the plans & was now going to use my birthday present for himself

OP posts:

QS90 · 04/04/2024 19:07

ILoveYouMore2022 · 04/04/2024 17:15

OP, ask him if you can go with this woman to the event (ie., woman uses his ticket and you go on what was originally bought for your birthday).

If he agrees, dump him afterwards.

If he won’t let you use one of the tickets, dump him afterwards.

What lol? Don't understand the logic here, or is there a typo?

Nanny0gg · 04/04/2024 19:05

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:47

Because he promised me he had changed, he would listen to/hear me, he would be more caring & emphatic to me, would stop emotionally manipulating me, would listen to my boundaries due to SA & would prioritise our relationship. I promised what he asked which was to be more open/vunerable with him (very difficult for me due to previous SA/abusive relationship), work hard to reduce my boundaries in the bedroom I have from the SA & be more available to see him/talk on the phone.

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He's a pig

Dump

QS90 · 04/04/2024 19:05

Assuming you have no reason to suspect him and his friend are romantically interested in each other, YABU and the sex (gender?) or the person is irrelevant.

Imagine if you were the friend "My friend broke up with someone and asked me if I would go to an event with them instead of their ex, as the tickets were expensive and nonrefundable. He then ditched me off at the last minute, just because they got back together. I'm really disappointed as was excited to go, and I feel my friendship is really undervalued..."

He doesn't want to make his friend feel like shit, which I think is nice. I would do the same in his situation, although would make sure I did something really special for my partners birthday too.

BlueMum16 · 04/04/2024 19:05

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:47

Because he promised me he had changed, he would listen to/hear me, he would be more caring & emphatic to me, would stop emotionally manipulating me, would listen to my boundaries due to SA & would prioritise our relationship. I promised what he asked which was to be more open/vunerable with him (very difficult for me due to previous SA/abusive relationship), work hard to reduce my boundaries in the bedroom I have from the SA & be more available to see him/talk on the phone.

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You've answered your own question.

He has kept YOUR present.
He has chosen to protect someone else's feeling over you.
He's chosen to ignore this for many weeks knowing he'd made other arrangements.

This is definitely the hill I'd die on.LTB.

Nanny0gg · 04/04/2024 19:04

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:31

He says because he couldn’t get a refund…

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Then he could have given them to you

betterangels · 04/04/2024 19:01

DemBonesDemBones · 04/04/2024 17:00

I think I'll be in the minority but I don't think he's in the wrong. You had broken up, he invited his friend. I think it actually shows he's a nice person not ditching his mate to take you now you're back together.

I think this too.

HappiestSleeping · 04/04/2024 19:00

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:22

Even though they were my main birthday present to my favourite musical? I didn’t take back his presents when we split up

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I think there are a couple of scenarios here, so to expand:-

If he bought tickets, gave them to you and then you broke up, then they are yours to do with as you please. I assume this didn't happen as we wouldn't be having this conversation.
He bought you tickets, told you about them, but then you dumped him. The tickets were not in your possession. I think this is where it all went wrong. As a PP said, he was hardly likely to call you up and say "you forgot your tickets", so he made alternate arrangements.

You made an assumption that everything would be back on just because you got back together. You know what happens when we assume. In this case it was an unsound assumption.

I think you are sore about it as he is going with a female friend. If he was going with a male friend, or his mum, I suspect you would be less sore. And also that you are missing out on a show you'd like to see, but some of this is a consequence of you dumping him. There are always consequences whether we like it or not.

I would add though, that, if I were him, I might well book two further tickets in order that he can take you as well. It depends on how much grovelling you did about dumping him and whether he thinks you are likely to do it again. My money is on him expecting you to which is why he hasn't dropped his friend. You can't blame him for being cautious.

You don't have to answer this, but what would you have done if the situation were reversed, and he'd dumped you?

I don't mean to sound harsh, but this is the reality of life. If it is meant to be, you'll navigate through it.

viques · 04/04/2024 19:00

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:47

Because he promised me he had changed, he would listen to/hear me, he would be more caring & emphatic to me, would stop emotionally manipulating me, would listen to my boundaries due to SA & would prioritise our relationship. I promised what he asked which was to be more open/vunerable with him (very difficult for me due to previous SA/abusive relationship), work hard to reduce my boundaries in the bedroom I have from the SA & be more available to see him/talk on the phone.

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So he promised all that at the beginning of March, and here we are, barely a month later. His promises really are pie crusts aren’t they?

TeaGinandFags · 04/04/2024 18:58

So he gives your birthday oresent yo anothervwoman and wants you to be more sexually available.

What a prince!

Fuck him off and don't do anything in the bedroom you're not totally up for.

DrJoanAllenby · 04/04/2024 18:58

The gift was for your birthday and he held on to the tickets.

You can't ask the woman to stand down that's just bloody rude.

He should go with her as they are only friends but then he should buy you and him tickets for something else or a different gift altogether.

pavedwithgoodintentions · 04/04/2024 18:56

He hasn't changed.

Tell him to take all his stuff with him when he walks out the door to use your birthday tickets with another woman.

You deserve better.

InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 04/04/2024 18:56

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:47

Because he promised me he had changed, he would listen to/hear me, he would be more caring & emphatic to me, would stop emotionally manipulating me, would listen to my boundaries due to SA & would prioritise our relationship. I promised what he asked which was to be more open/vunerable with him (very difficult for me due to previous SA/abusive relationship), work hard to reduce my boundaries in the bedroom I have from the SA & be more available to see him/talk on the phone.

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This man isn't going to change op.

He's not going to manipulate you anymore, but part of the deal to get back together is for you to reduce your boundries in the bedroom due to you being SAd.

That's manipulation right there.

He's an absolute twat and you would be well rid of him.

Gymnopedie · 04/04/2024 18:53

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:47

Because he promised me he had changed, he would listen to/hear me, he would be more caring & emphatic to me, would stop emotionally manipulating me, would listen to my boundaries due to SA & would prioritise our relationship. I promised what he asked which was to be more open/vunerable with him (very difficult for me due to previous SA/abusive relationship), work hard to reduce my boundaries in the bedroom I have from the SA & be more available to see him/talk on the phone.

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Sorry OP, I hate him based on this post alone.

Has he hell changed, as evidenced by his attitude to the tickets. It's all about him. But he wants/demands that YOU change even though your issues are trauma based.

He came back because no-one else would give him a shag and he thought there was at least a chance with you. Hence the demands.

Split up again, this time for good. Put the trash in the bin.

Original poster

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:53

Nicelynicelyjohnson · 04/04/2024 18:13

What did you think would happen while you were broken up?
Did you think he would go or were you planning to?

I'd be annoyed as they are yours but if he kept them as part of you splitting up, I can see why he asked someone else. Any decent boyfriend would unask the friend with apologies to friend.

We don’t live together- We chose the date for the show early Jan, together (due to both needing to organise work/kids) for my birthday present, he sent me some other little gifts to have on my birthday as we couldn’t see each other, then split end of Jan, started talking again mid feb & got back together early march so I’ve realised there were only 3 weeks we weren’t actually talking so I guess I didn’t think he would re-arrange the tickets in those 3 weeks especially as they were my main gift to my favourite musical, and as we’ve been talking since Valentine’s Day he’s had all that time to tell me he’s changed plans if he DID change them in those 3 weeks, if he changed them after then that’s even more strange IMO as we both knew why we were talking again 😬

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 04/04/2024 18:51

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:47

Because he promised me he had changed, he would listen to/hear me, he would be more caring & emphatic to me, would stop emotionally manipulating me, would listen to my boundaries due to SA & would prioritise our relationship. I promised what he asked which was to be more open/vunerable with him (very difficult for me due to previous SA/abusive relationship), work hard to reduce my boundaries in the bedroom I have from the SA & be more available to see him/talk on the phone.

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Sorry to hear what you've been through .

He isn't understanding. He hasn't 'changed'. It isn't working.

recoveringworkaholic · 04/04/2024 18:48

But there shouldn't be a problem.

One ticket for you, the birthday girl.

One for his friend, who he agrees should go.

He doesn't go.

It's very straightforward.

BirthdayRainbow · 04/04/2024 18:47

He won't change his mind. He's going with the friend. What will you do about it? It's either accept his choice or dump him.

Original poster

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:47

pinkyredrose · 04/04/2024 18:13

Why did you get back together?

Because he promised me he had changed, he would listen to/hear me, he would be more caring & emphatic to me, would stop emotionally manipulating me, would listen to my boundaries due to SA & would prioritise our relationship. I promised what he asked which was to be more open/vunerable with him (very difficult for me due to previous SA/abusive relationship), work hard to reduce my boundaries in the bedroom I have from the SA & be more available to see him/talk on the phone.

OP posts: