Page 7 | Bf using my birthday gift with another woman

Pookie21 · 2024-04-04T15:54:26+00:00

My bf got us tickets to my favourite musical for my birthday in January, unfortunately we broke up shortly after for 6 weeks, but have now been back together a month. The show is next week, I’ve organised my kids but bf told me yesterday as he couldn’t get a refund he asked friends & is now taking a female friend instead (I vaguely know of her). AIBU in thinking that as the tickets were my main birthday gift he should either have given me both to use or cancel taking the woman & take me as they were part of my gift & we are back together? he says she helped him out by agreeing to come so doesn’t want to change her plans but if I were her I’d be happy to stand down as it was a special gift for us to enjoy together, it feels like he’s putting another woman’s feelings over mine.

Original poster

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 21:50

HappiestSleeping · 04/04/2024 21:20

No need to be confused. None of our opinions really matter in all of this. If you are unhappy about the way this has panned out you need to tell him you are unhappy, why, and then potentially end it all again, depending on his response. If it does end, it should be permanently this time.

There are lots of permutations, but I suspect that if any poster here, including you, had purchased tickets for someone, and then got dumped by that person, they would undoubtedly keep the tickets to do with as they pleased.

Indeed, there are also permutations about what the dumped party should / should not have done, and what he should / should not do on the rekindling of the relationship. I think most of the posters here would have chosen an alternative option (myself included), however he didn't.

Your choices now appear to be to suck it up, or not. I rather think that this indecision is more about whether you actually think you did the right thing getting back together than it is about the tickets. Or at least as much to do with it.

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That’s very fair and reading that makes a lot of sense.
I don’t ever trust my own feelings, years of physical & emotional abuse from my ex husband along with the standard ‘you’re crazy’ make me feel like I’m overreacting to little things. Plus I’m not feeling great mentally atm (which he knows, and makes me wonder did he choose yesterday to tell me because he thought I’d be more compliant as we spent 3 days together last week which was obviously plenty of time to talk)
I overthink & feel stuff too much so all the replies have been really helpful (well, apart from the one calling me a money grabbing narcissist) in helping me work through what I feel

OP posts:

Cattenberg · 04/04/2024 21:50

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:47

Because he promised me he had changed, he would listen to/hear me, he would be more caring & emphatic to me, would stop emotionally manipulating me, would listen to my boundaries due to SA & would prioritise our relationship. I promised what he asked which was to be more open/vunerable with him (very difficult for me due to previous SA/abusive relationship), work hard to reduce my boundaries in the bedroom I have from the SA & be more available to see him/talk on the phone.

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This was the update I meant to quote.

Itsdeepitsblue · 04/04/2024 21:48

Has she paid for the ticket? If she has, then he has to take her really or refund her. If she hasn’t… then he just needs to tell her plans have changed! This would piss me off.

Cattenberg · 04/04/2024 21:47

OP, I think your updates are worrying, especially this one. The tickets are a minor issue by comparison. I suggest you end the relationship for good and have some counselling before dating again. You don’t need an emotionally-manipulative man who ignores your boundaries.

MiltonNorthern · 04/04/2024 21:46

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 21:44

Surely that’s reasonable given it’s something he loves? He has listened by not asking for it & I have listened by doing it more but it’s my choice now as the pressure of him asking for it (etc) has stopped, that’s what you do in a relationship surely?

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So he has badgered you for a certain sex act that you don't like doing because of abuse and now you think he's a good guy because he's stopped badgering you (only because you've agreed to do it anyway despite your trauma)
No, this isn't normal in a relationship. Not by any means.

UneFoisAuChalet · 04/04/2024 21:45

Sorry but if a woman posted about how she bought expensive tickets for her boyfriend’s birthday but he dumped her. She goes on to say that said tickets were on her phone and he didn’t physically have them, every single person on the thread would be saying ‘Fuck him - he dumped you! Invite Rose from the book club and post lots of pics on SM - show him what he’s missing!’ Everyone would be baying for his blood and telling OP how to extract revenge. Shoe on the other foot? Oh, if he told you about the tickets BEFORE your birthday their yours. AFTER your birthday - their his. And other complete nonsense.

OP dumped him. He didn’t owe her anything after that. Yes, they are back together but from all the updates, it seems rocky. Work on the relationship and make plans to see a much loved musical next year. If you get there.

kkloo · 04/04/2024 21:44

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:47

Because he promised me he had changed, he would listen to/hear me, he would be more caring & emphatic to me, would stop emotionally manipulating me, would listen to my boundaries due to SA & would prioritise our relationship. I promised what he asked which was to be more open/vunerable with him (very difficult for me due to previous SA/abusive relationship), work hard to reduce my boundaries in the bedroom I have from the SA & be more available to see him/talk on the phone.

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People can't change in 3 weeks.

He's going to listen to your boundaries in the bedroom? Does he see that as some kind of compromise that he won't try to coerce you or won't assault you? but in the meantime you have to work hard to reduce your boundaries.....no doubt within weeks or months he will be expecting improvement.

He's a bad guy OP.
He really is.

You said you became very unwell because of this, do you want that to be permanent? Because women are far more likely than men to develop autoimmune issues as a result of prolonged stress. There have been many posts on here from women who left these kinds of relationships for good eventually but it was too late in some ways as they are now dealing with chronic illnesses.

Original poster

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 21:44

GogAndMagog · 04/04/2024 21:06

He is in the wrong, a musical you loved, bought for you, as a gift so therefore YOURS and he's taking somebody else?

More worryingly, you say:

I promised what he asked which was to be more open/vunerable with him (very difficult for me due to previous SA/abusive relationship), work hard to reduce my boundaries in the bedroom I have from the SA & be more available to see him/talk on the phone.

Why should you reduce your boundaries in the bedroom, what sort of man is this???

Surely that’s reasonable given it’s something he loves? He has listened by not asking for it & I have listened by doing it more but it’s my choice now as the pressure of him asking for it (etc) has stopped, that’s what you do in a relationship surely?

OP posts:

Londonrach1 · 04/04/2024 21:41

Did he give you the tickets...strange he still has them. Totally agree with everyone though...he needs to stay an ex

Original poster

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 21:40

FairFuming · 04/04/2024 21:04

Ask for the gifts you gave him back so you can give them to another friend... See how he likes that. The tickets aren't his. They were a gift to you that he kept out of spite. Why can't you have his ticket and go with the friend? Does she know you are back together? Does she know they were your birthday gift?

Only our very close friends know we are back together because we agreed to keep it between us whilst we work on things so no, I doubt she knows we are back together, I will ask him

OP posts:

Original poster

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 21:38

Kassalah · 04/04/2024 20:55

Put a poll up

How do I do that please?

OP posts:

Pinksnowstars · 04/04/2024 21:37

I just want to know if it’s wicked.

if it is, I’d ditch him again.

my husband does know that I love Wicked more than him though.

Original poster

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 21:34

WhamBamThankU · 04/04/2024 20:19

What was said when he told you he was taking his friend instead?

He said he didn’t know if I remembered that next weekend was the date for the theatre, I said I did, so he said well as we weren’t together and I couldn’t get a refund I asked my male friends, then a mutual female friend (which I’ve found out is untrue, he never asked her) and that eventually he found E that would go with him, that’s ok isn’t it because we weren’t together?
due to a traumatic event at the weekend finding my friend unconscious on the floor bleeding with a head injury my head is kind of numb at the moment so I just said ok, should I be worried about him going with E, he said no, they were at event together Sunday (I’d stayed at his after the event sat night but left for home sun morning) the other 2 friends going didn’t go so it was just them but it was a huge event. He didn’t tell me this but also I didn’t ask. It took me processing it last night after he left & this morning to realise I was uncomfortable with it. My brain & emotions are in a bit of slow motion atm.

OP posts:

hot2trotter · 04/04/2024 21:33

I'm sorry OP but you sound like hard work.

How many times are you gonna say they were my main present / it's my favourite musical / we don't live together etc. You are just repeating yourself. It's weird.

You've listed a ton of reasons why you broke up in the first place and I honestly can't see this lasting long term.

cherish123 · 04/04/2024 21:30

What I don't understand is: if he gave the tickets to you as a present, why are they in his possession? Surely, when you broke up, you would have then have been able to arrange to go with someone else.

Original poster

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 21:25

EternalSunshine19 · 04/04/2024 20:14

Why does he have the tickets if he gave them to you for your birthday? Did he ask for the tickets back after your broke up?

No, I just never got them ‘physically’

OP posts:

doneandone · 04/04/2024 21:22

They weren't his tickets to give away, you were still together when he gave them to you for your birthday, therefore they are yours not his. My dd broke up with her boyfriend after giving him 2 tickets for a festival for his birthday. She emailed him the tickets when she received them (even though they weren't together any more) as they were his not hers.

thatsnotmynamethstsnotmyname · 04/04/2024 21:21

So he regifted your birthday present to another woman.? And plans to go on your birthday outing with her instead. He's taking the mess.

HappiestSleeping · 04/04/2024 21:20

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 19:48

I know breaks ups are very rarely all the fault of one person, & ours wasn’t, but I can promise in the end ours was 90% him & how he treated me. I tried to deal with it for months, it affected my physical & mental health, my parenting, my work, Christmas plans for my family, I really really tried when he was gaslighting & manipulating me to see where he was coming from & what I was doing wrong in that ttime & I gave it my absolute all, I should have left after an event in October but I stayed till the end of January because I absolutely love him & I believed what he was saying.
so yes, I ended things but he 100% pushed me to make that decision & it was heartbreaking for us both. We chose the date for the tickets together early Jan & they were for my birthday mid Jan, I then ended things end of Jan (as kindly as I could, which was actually kinder than he’d been in many ways for months, but I did really hurt him unfortunately).
had he physically given me the gift of the tickets yes I think it would have been different, but from the end of Jan we actually saw each other with friends on Valentine’s Day & started talking then, so if he had already made rearrangements with the tickets in those almost 3 weeks then surely he should have told me before now? I agree his friend may have made work/childcare plans, but so have I as he didn’t tell me anything had changed- he could have given me the tickets, sold me the tickets or told me in those 3 weeks he had changed plans but he’s left it till 10 days before & is now either going to let me, his gf & the one he (apparently) loves down, or a friend he met via our community on instagram down & as someone else said, he assured me he would make changes when he wanted me to trust him yet within a month ish is he actually showing me im still not a priority? Im just so confused.

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No need to be confused. None of our opinions really matter in all of this. If you are unhappy about the way this has panned out you need to tell him you are unhappy, why, and then potentially end it all again, depending on his response. If it does end, it should be permanently this time.

There are lots of permutations, but I suspect that if any poster here, including you, had purchased tickets for someone, and then got dumped by that person, they would undoubtedly keep the tickets to do with as they pleased.

Indeed, there are also permutations about what the dumped party should / should not have done, and what he should / should not do on the rekindling of the relationship. I think most of the posters here would have chosen an alternative option (myself included), however he didn't.

Your choices now appear to be to suck it up, or not. I rather think that this indecision is more about whether you actually think you did the right thing getting back together than it is about the tickets. Or at least as much to do with it.

Original poster

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 21:14

kkloo · 04/04/2024 19:32

I’m just so confused at this point tbh

What was his attitude/behaviour like that made you very sick and which you broke up over?
I would imagine there's lots of clues in that which explain his behaviour now.

He lied & exaggerated stuff, refused to respect my one bedroom rule (due to a SA which I told him I would work on), gaslit me about events/conversations/his and my feelings, manipulated my emotions so he got to play the victim, cried because my SA upset him, broke arrangements, made me feel guilty for not being very available when he was (when my son was recovering from surgery, unfortunately this wasn’t the 6 weeks I was told so I understand this must have been hard for him but completely out of mine/my sons control), sulked when an activity he arranged for us was too much for me physically & I needed a week to rest/recover from the pain/exhaustion as he’d got a few days off work & I couldn’t see him - even though we had no arrangements. Unfortunately, because things got too much for me but I really didn’t want to break up & wanted to believe him when he said he’d work on things I wasn’t myself the last bit of our relationship and as I’m the one that ended things he can now throw that at me, that he’s so hurt etc. he didn’t hear me, or listen to me.
BUT, he promised me he would really try, he actually authentically apologised (instead of his usual ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’) took responsibility for his actions & finally made me feel like he appreciated me as a person/gf.
I found my friend unconscious with a head injury, bleeding on the floor on Saturday & although he will be find thank god, understandably I’ve not been myself, I’ve kind of shut down emotionally & he has been soooo unsupportive (he was there, but extremely drunk & his reaction is ‘he’s fine’ about our friend, mine is different as I’d only had a couple of drinks & as I found him I had to check his breathing, call people for help, call 999, stay with my friend & his wife) yet tonight because he has a cold he’s telling me how unwell he feels, how hard work has been for him & I just don’t have it in me to comfort him even though I want to, I just can’t right now especially given how unsupportive he’s been.

OP posts:

CatsWillRuleTheWorld · 04/04/2024 21:11

To be honest the tickets stuff sounds like a red herring to me. It really isn't all that important. The important part is that the OP broke up with this dude because of various drama and him being a jerk, then took him back, and now there is drama again. What's the point of this relationship? It's obviously a toxic drama-generating thing. He should've stayed dumped.

Dweetfidilove · 04/04/2024 21:07

The whole relationship sounds like a time wasting exercise and tiresome to boot.

GogAndMagog · 04/04/2024 21:06

He is in the wrong, a musical you loved, bought for you, as a gift so therefore YOURS and he's taking somebody else?

More worryingly, you say:

I promised what he asked which was to be more open/vunerable with him (very difficult for me due to previous SA/abusive relationship), work hard to reduce my boundaries in the bedroom I have from the SA & be more available to see him/talk on the phone.

Why should you reduce your boundaries in the bedroom, what sort of man is this???

MiltonNorthern · 04/04/2024 21:06

I think you've made a huge mistake getting back together with him and I think you're realising that. The gift issue is highlighting it.

FairFuming · 04/04/2024 21:04

Ask for the gifts you gave him back so you can give them to another friend... See how he likes that. The tickets aren't his. They were a gift to you that he kept out of spite. Why can't you have his ticket and go with the friend? Does she know you are back together? Does she know they were your birthday gift?