Page 6 | Bf using my birthday gift with another woman

Pookie21 · 2024-04-04T15:54:26+00:00

My bf got us tickets to my favourite musical for my birthday in January, unfortunately we broke up shortly after for 6 weeks, but have now been back together a month. The show is next week, I’ve organised my kids but bf told me yesterday as he couldn’t get a refund he asked friends & is now taking a female friend instead (I vaguely know of her). AIBU in thinking that as the tickets were my main birthday gift he should either have given me both to use or cancel taking the woman & take me as they were part of my gift & we are back together? he says she helped him out by agreeing to come so doesn’t want to change her plans but if I were her I’d be happy to stand down as it was a special gift for us to enjoy together, it feels like he’s putting another woman’s feelings over mine.

LIZS · 04/04/2024 22:43

Has he sold her the ticket or is he treating her, so on a par with your birthday? He is prioritising her feelings over yours, and has no intention of losing face . Not a keeper. Start afresh and get help for your traumatic experience.

alrightjackie · 04/04/2024 22:39

When you broke up, he should have made arrangements to give you both tickets. That would have shown integrity. The fact that he didn't make that move would have been a strike against reconciling.

You decided to get back with him anyway though.

As he instead kept the tickets and gave one away, the best action in that shitty situation would be to honour that gift, tell the friend, and buy a third ticket for the same night, so you could all go.

Many friends in that situation would say, you know what, why don't you just go with your girlfriend after all, and I'll sit this one out? But he should make the offer to her. It's the class move.

The three tickets won't be together at this point, so the two of you will be sat together for your birthday treat anyway. She'll be elsewhere in the venue.

Iaskedyouthrice · 04/04/2024 22:37

Why are you worrying about these tickets? You have got back with an abuser, please leave this absolute shit stain.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 04/04/2024 22:37

I agree @7yo7yo . The description of the split and getting back together conversation is bad enough regardless of the tickets.

7yo7yo · 04/04/2024 22:35

If they are your birthday gift then surely both tickets belong to you and you decide who goes?
Do he’s took his gift back?
do yourself a favour and value yourself more op. Dump this twit, you’re worth more. Be single for a bit. Sort your self out. And stick to your boundaries. He had no right to sulk because your son took longer to recover than you thought. He also shouldn’t push your bedroom boundaries.

MillshakePickle · 04/04/2024 22:35

taylorswift1989 · 04/04/2024 22:16

You're confused because a good and loving boyfriend would not take back a gift. A good and loving boyfriend would not take another woman on a date to your favourite show.

But for some reason, he has convinced you that he is a good and loving boyfriend, so your perceptions must somehow be confused or wrong.

OP, this man is not a good and loving person. He is abusive. He broke your "bedroom rule" - in other words, he assaulted or coerced you sexually. He treated you so poorly that you became physically ill. He has been gaslighting you so intensely that you are struggling to see what should be obvious: that he's an abusive dickhead and you need to end this relationship for your own good.

He's showing you that he hasn't changed. He won't change. Those were just words he said to get you back and keep you under control.

Do you want to spend more months and years feeling ill because this man treats you so poorly? He won't change for the better. You're the one who's going to have to make the change to protect yourself and your kids.

I can't echo this enough.

His manipulation will erode what's left of your self esteem and self worth.

He's also continuing to manipulate you and emotionally batter you by "choosing" another woman over you. Knowing exactly what he's doing. He could have told you at any other point before this he was going with someone else but waited to do it knowing your mind is elsewhere.

And I have no doubt he will try to Convince you that, because you're upset about your friend you over reacted etc etc etc

I would think long and hard about whether this relationship has a future. He hasn't changed, he's changed you and moved your boundaries to suit his needs.

moolady1977 · 04/04/2024 22:32

My exbf did that , he bought me tickets for a band I love for my birthday but he bought them for the wrong day and when I said I'd have to sort out the day off from work he phoned his then exgf and ended up taking her . Just one of many reasons he became an ex

Itloggedmeoutagain · 04/04/2024 22:28

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 21:14

He lied & exaggerated stuff, refused to respect my one bedroom rule (due to a SA which I told him I would work on), gaslit me about events/conversations/his and my feelings, manipulated my emotions so he got to play the victim, cried because my SA upset him, broke arrangements, made me feel guilty for not being very available when he was (when my son was recovering from surgery, unfortunately this wasn’t the 6 weeks I was told so I understand this must have been hard for him but completely out of mine/my sons control), sulked when an activity he arranged for us was too much for me physically & I needed a week to rest/recover from the pain/exhaustion as he’d got a few days off work & I couldn’t see him - even though we had no arrangements. Unfortunately, because things got too much for me but I really didn’t want to break up & wanted to believe him when he said he’d work on things I wasn’t myself the last bit of our relationship and as I’m the one that ended things he can now throw that at me, that he’s so hurt etc. he didn’t hear me, or listen to me.
BUT, he promised me he would really try, he actually authentically apologised (instead of his usual ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’) took responsibility for his actions & finally made me feel like he appreciated me as a person/gf.
I found my friend unconscious with a head injury, bleeding on the floor on Saturday & although he will be find thank god, understandably I’ve not been myself, I’ve kind of shut down emotionally & he has been soooo unsupportive (he was there, but extremely drunk & his reaction is ‘he’s fine’ about our friend, mine is different as I’d only had a couple of drinks & as I found him I had to check his breathing, call people for help, call 999, stay with my friend & his wife) yet tonight because he has a cold he’s telling me how unwell he feels, how hard work has been for him & I just don’t have it in me to comfort him even though I want to, I just can’t right now especially given how unsupportive he’s been.

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The tickets really are the least of your worries

Nanaof1 · 04/04/2024 22:28

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:47

Because he promised me he had changed, he would listen to/hear me, he would be more caring & emphatic to me, would stop emotionally manipulating me, would listen to my boundaries due to SA & would prioritise our relationship. I promised what he asked which was to be more open/vunerable with him (very difficult for me due to previous SA/abusive relationship), work hard to reduce my boundaries in the bedroom I have from the SA & be more available to see him/talk on the phone.

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And he is NOT listening to you or hearing what you say. He is NOT being more caring or empathetic, but, he IS still emotionally and mentally manipulating you.

It seems his words are as empty as his mind.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 04/04/2024 22:26

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 17:55

Same, this is the second time he’s prioritised another woman friend over me & my feelings, when this happened last time he said he didn’t care enough about the whole situation to let it bother him so I should feel the same. I made it clear he had upset me & I felt my feelings were invalid to him but he just didn’t/wouldn’t get it so I think that’s also why this feels a bit ‘off’

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Second time?! Fool me once, maybe, fool me twice, no way José. LTB

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 04/04/2024 22:26

OH that's my favourite favourite favourite musical - seen it several times !

I can't see why the two of you have got back together.

AND i think you should finish with him, forever.

him persuading you to remove one of your boundaries is unacceptable - to say the least.

there are decent men out there, find one and toss this one back !

Zanatdy · 04/04/2024 22:19

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong either, they were a gift and difficult for him to say sorry back with the gf you’re not needed now. I can see why you’re upset about it though

5128gap · 04/04/2024 22:19

He should give both tickets to his friend so she can go with someone else then buy something else for you for your birthday.

pinkyredrose · 04/04/2024 22:17

OP considering your updates, bollocks to him and bollocks to the tickets.

You can free yourself from this headfuck immediately. He obviously hasn't changed, he's still lying. You could text him now and end it.

He isn't the right guy for you, he really isn't. This is not a good relationship.

You sound lovely Op, you really don't deserve this arsehole making your life worse.

taylorswift1989 · 04/04/2024 22:16

You're confused because a good and loving boyfriend would not take back a gift. A good and loving boyfriend would not take another woman on a date to your favourite show.

But for some reason, he has convinced you that he is a good and loving boyfriend, so your perceptions must somehow be confused or wrong.

OP, this man is not a good and loving person. He is abusive. He broke your "bedroom rule" - in other words, he assaulted or coerced you sexually. He treated you so poorly that you became physically ill. He has been gaslighting you so intensely that you are struggling to see what should be obvious: that he's an abusive dickhead and you need to end this relationship for your own good.

He's showing you that he hasn't changed. He won't change. Those were just words he said to get you back and keep you under control.

Do you want to spend more months and years feeling ill because this man treats you so poorly? He won't change for the better. You're the one who's going to have to make the change to protect yourself and your kids.

Topsyturvy78 · 04/04/2024 22:09

He bought the tickets as a gift for you. Even if you had split up the tickets weren't his to give away.

Dragonsandcats · 04/04/2024 22:04

I don’t think he values you. They were his present to you. He should have given you the tickets.

Liv999 · 04/04/2024 22:03

GreyCarpet · 04/04/2024 17:22

Why had he kept hold of his birthday present to you?

Both tickets are yours.

He shouldn't have been the one to find a replacement person. That should have been you.

This100% they're not his tickets

Original poster

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 22:00

Pinksnowstars · 04/04/2024 21:37

I just want to know if it’s wicked.

if it is, I’d ditch him again.

my husband does know that I love Wicked more than him though.

Haha no, it’s not (sorry lol have seen it twice & loved it) it’s Les Mis 🙌

OP posts:

KidsandKindness · 04/04/2024 22:00

I'm sorry you've been put in the situation OP, but quite honestly I don't think the tickets are the real issue here, I think it's the way he treats you. I get a definite feeling from what you've told us about his actual treatment of you, regarding the sexual assault, etc., that this man really is not the one for you. He truly doesn't understand how the sexual assault has made you feel, and once again has manipulated you into doing what he wants you to do in the bedroom, with his new rules as to how things should be between you if you were to get back together. Also, the fact that he doesn't appear to have taken on board how upset you are, at finding your friend badly injured and having to call for help, etc., which was understandable while he was drunk, but now that he's sober, he should be thinking about how this made you feel, and your concern for your injured friend etc. It actually doesn't sound like he has much empathy for you, and the only times he appears to be empathetic, is when he's trying to manipulate you into doing what HE wants you to do. Also, the fact that he went to an event at the weekend, with the same woman that he's now taking to YOUR birthday treat, would be worrying me a great deal, sounds like he's trying to have his cake and eat it to me OP, and that's the last thing you need by the sound of things. Dump him, and this time make it permanent, before he causes you even more damage.

Original poster

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 21:58

cherish123 · 04/04/2024 21:30

What I don't understand is: if he gave the tickets to you as a present, why are they in his possession? Surely, when you broke up, you would have then have been able to arrange to go with someone else.

I never actually got the physical tickets, we arranged the date of the show early Jan, my birthday was mid Jan and we broke up end of Jan, as we started talking again mid feb & nothing was said until yesterday I just assumed we were still going together

OP posts:

Therealjudgejudy · 04/04/2024 21:56

You were too quick to take him back. He treaded you terribly.

This relationship sounds like a ball of stress

Original poster

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 21:55

hot2trotter · 04/04/2024 21:33

I'm sorry OP but you sound like hard work.

How many times are you gonna say they were my main present / it's my favourite musical / we don't live together etc. You are just repeating yourself. It's weird.

You've listed a ton of reasons why you broke up in the first place and I honestly can't see this lasting long term.

I’ve just been replying to other people’s posts, don’t actually know what I’ve done wrong there except try to answer someone’s question & explain more of the circumstances when asked…not sure how that makes me hard work tbh.
also saying ‘I’m sorry’ before insulting someone is very rude, no one forced you to reply!!

OP posts:

DelilahsHaven · 04/04/2024 21:54

Having read all your posts, I don't think this relationship is very healthy for you.

KreedKafer · 04/04/2024 21:53

This isn’t about the tickets. There was a reason you split up in the first place, and now this is making you realise you shouldn’t have got back together with him.