Bf using my birthday gift with another woman

He is not your person

Might be an unpopular take but I think he's only partly in the wrong. You say "he got us tickets", so one for you and one for him, not two for you to take someone else with you. Imo it would be morally correct of him to give you YOUR ticket when you broke up and then do whatever with his ticket (get a refund, resell, etc). Also the fact that you knew of the gift plays the role: you knew about the tickets, so giving you yours would be the right thing to do. Had it been a surprise you knew nothing about, he could do whatever to both: get a refund for both, take a friend with him, give you yours etc. But this wasn't the case here and you knew about the tickets so you were actually entitled to get one. I don't think you were entitled to get both, though, as the second one was supposed to be his. YANBU given the situation, but same goes to some of the mumsnetters imo.

Yes he should have let you have the tickets when you split but he didn’t.

No, he’s given the ticket away and snd should NOT ask his friend to step down. Either he steps down and you take his place or he gives you a different gift.

OP the reason you're confused is because you are focussing on the tickets. Take a step back and look at all the wider issues posters have identified and it will all become clear. He's a nasty, selfish piece of work.

Forget the tickets. He's made it clear what he's doing, so write it off. And at the same time write him off. He doesn't love you. He proves it regularly. So get rid before he creates even more 'conditions' for you to be together which will result in you becoming a shell of yourself and experience even more trauma (which by the sound of it could also be sexual).

It was Les Mis not Frozen, but Let It Go.

Tickets are a massive red herring here. He has treated you appallingly.

Your birthday present, your tickets. He is very unreasonable and to be honest OP he doesn't sound very kind or caring. He should never have been fishing round for someone to go with when they were both your tickets.

Also please do not minimise the fact that he lied to you about how it comes to be this woman he's taking rather than any other friend. He is not on your side, he is not loyal to you.

another thing to add, whilst whatever he is doing isn’t necessarily him ‘choosing’ another woman over you. He isn’t understanding priorities or realising how lucky he is to be with you. And that is way worse than being single!

sorry I haven’t read everything on here, but I just want you to know that what you have been through, nobody should have to go through.

And no matter how tough if it is to realise you deserve better than what has happened to you, you DO deserve better. It may feel like how he treats you is what you think you should put up with, but this is just the beginning of your healing process and understanding what you need to get on with your life.

im not making sense due to a glass or 2 of wine, but feel free to DM me and we can have a heart to heart xx

I really hope you end this relationship op. He has no respect for you whatsoever.

clearly, he lied. I think you should just review the signs that this is a man who won’t prioritise you, nor does he care very much how you feel, and end it.

All those changes you asked for, none of them have come to fruition. He is exactly the person he was first time round, and it's unlikely he will change.

If I was you, I'd leave this guy and his theatre tickets behind, and move on!

@Pookie21

So he’s a gaslighter, emotionally manipulative, and pushes your perfectly reasonable sexual boundaries after you’ve been abused?

YABU to go near him.

Oh dear. He really does sound terrible. Stuff the tickets and run...

Op you are not ready to be in a relationship at this moment.

You have too much going on right now to focus on the work you need to do with regards to intimate relationships in general.

unfortunately you have a piss poor excuse for a man and I honestly think the relationship has run it’s course.

the pushing at your one boundary then him crying because of it is manipulative and you can’t heal fully with this man in your life. He will keep your mental health in a perpetual loop, unsure and unstable and you’ll stagnate.

this ticket situation is the tip of a very murky iceberg.

Your birthday was Jan. the gift should’ve been given to you but it wasn’t and now it’s become some test for control.

given your timeline

He did have time to rescind the invite to the friend.

he did have time to give her the tickets and back out of the show completely citing your rekindled relationship.

he did have time to tell you the tickets were gone to stop any confusion.

He did none of these things. All would’ve been acceptable.

instead he’s going with another woman, telling you about it, knowing it was your gift you get no say in. I see this as a test of what he can get away with.

I initially thought he didn't do anything wrong. If I buy someone tickets then I physically give them those tickets as their present. He didn't so they remained his property. Its also unfair to cancel on a friend, female or not.

I was going to suggest he either see if a seat next to them was available or book again with you.

Looking at Your updates... he's still manipulating you and you would be better to be rid of him and his tickets.

Why did you even get back with him, he's a piss taking loser.

Let him have the tickets and run for the flipping hills.

Completely agree. If he were taking a male friend would you feel the same? However as they were a gift to you really they’re yours.

OP you're focusing on something that's unclear with the tickets when you have this much bigger red flag going on. As someone who had sex in a relationship when I didn't want to I can say this is going to mess with your head and eat away at your self esteem. He hasn't changed, he's never going to prioritise you and he is willing to walk all over your feelings no matter how much it harms you. I hope the tickets are the last time he screws you over because you leave and don't look back.

@Pookie21 , you have to let him go again.
He's still not being considerate of your feelings. You’re still doubting yourself, and he’s showing you that he won’t make room to accommodate you if it doesn’t suit him. He could’ve sent you the tickets with your other presents and now you’re stuck in this situation with him doing one thing and you wanting another.
You will crumble under the weight of this madness, so please untangle yourself permanently.

You say you’ve always been mistreated in relationships plus you’ve just experienced a traumatic event. Your focus now should be therapy/counselling or a programme of some sort to build yourself up. Step away from this unhealthy relationship, and channel your energy into getting to a better place for you and your children.

They are not his tickets. They are YOUR tickets, it was his present for YOUR birthday.

He doesn't sound very nice anyway. Men don't change OP. They might even believe themselves when they say they will change, but they don't.

Bin him. Permanently.

For context, the cheap seats are £25 each. The best tickets are £150 each!

Les Mis is a hugely popular show, so it doesn't really get discounted.

You also had plenty of time to check he still had the tickets, before organising your childcare. He could just have easily returned them for theatre credit.

And to be honest if I spent £100 (£200?) on theatre tickets to take a boyfriend and he broke up with me I'd also keep the tickets.

He sounds really horrible. I think you would be much better off without him.

And the tickets belong to you just as if he'd bought you a new jacket - he wouldn't feel free to give that to someone else would he?

But it's not worth fighting him over it. Dump him and consider it the price you have to pay for your freedom.

You lost me at 'main present'! However would you feel differently if his friend was male?