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AIBU?

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Bf using my birthday gift with another woman

289 replies

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 16:54

My bf got us tickets to my favourite musical for my birthday in January, unfortunately we broke up shortly after for 6 weeks, but have now been back together a month. The show is next week, I’ve organised my kids but bf told me yesterday as he couldn’t get a refund he asked friends & is now taking a female friend instead (I vaguely know of her). AIBU in thinking that as the tickets were my main birthday gift he should either have given me both to use or cancel taking the woman & take me as they were part of my gift & we are back together?
he says she helped him out by agreeing to come so doesn’t want to change her plans but if I were her I’d be happy to stand down as it was a special gift for us to enjoy together, it feels like he’s putting another woman’s feelings over mine.

OP posts:
Bumblebeestiltskin · 05/04/2024 10:07

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 21:14

He lied & exaggerated stuff, refused to respect my one bedroom rule (due to a SA which I told him I would work on), gaslit me about events/conversations/his and my feelings, manipulated my emotions so he got to play the victim, cried because my SA upset him, broke arrangements, made me feel guilty for not being very available when he was (when my son was recovering from surgery, unfortunately this wasn’t the 6 weeks I was told so I understand this must have been hard for him but completely out of mine/my sons control), sulked when an activity he arranged for us was too much for me physically & I needed a week to rest/recover from the pain/exhaustion as he’d got a few days off work & I couldn’t see him - even though we had no arrangements. Unfortunately, because things got too much for me but I really didn’t want to break up & wanted to believe him when he said he’d work on things I wasn’t myself the last bit of our relationship and as I’m the one that ended things he can now throw that at me, that he’s so hurt etc. he didn’t hear me, or listen to me.
BUT, he promised me he would really try, he actually authentically apologised (instead of his usual ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’) took responsibility for his actions & finally made me feel like he appreciated me as a person/gf.
I found my friend unconscious with a head injury, bleeding on the floor on Saturday & although he will be find thank god, understandably I’ve not been myself, I’ve kind of shut down emotionally & he has been soooo unsupportive (he was there, but extremely drunk & his reaction is ‘he’s fine’ about our friend, mine is different as I’d only had a couple of drinks & as I found him I had to check his breathing, call people for help, call 999, stay with my friend & his wife) yet tonight because he has a cold he’s telling me how unwell he feels, how hard work has been for him & I just don’t have it in me to comfort him even though I want to, I just can’t right now especially given how unsupportive he’s been.

Honestly, I'd forget the tickets and forget the man! (Even though I definitely don't think you're being unreasonable about the tickets)

user1492757084 · 05/04/2024 10:00

He should suggest that you go with his friend while he puts his name down to buy an extra if someone cancels.

It is your favourite musical. He wanted you to go.

splashofcolour · 05/04/2024 09:05

@Shabnamsshoos oh my days you're right! It was a comedian he absolutely loved too!

Lupuswarriors · 05/04/2024 08:58

Of he bought them for your birthday and then you both broke uo, shy has he even got the tickets. That's how gifting works. It's you that should have the 2 tickets even if uou never got back together. I'd ditch him now as you're going to have more issues later

UnintentionalArcher · 05/04/2024 08:47

I think this is complex, as shown by the additional information OP has given throughout the thread.

What sounded like a relatively straightforward issue about what the OH had done with some tickets (which, as has been suggested, could be reasonable or unreasonable depending on context - what type of person he is, whose fault the break-up was and how it played out, whether the friend is just a friend, lots of other factors etc.) has emerged as being about something much bigger.

I think these tickets are a litmus test of the feelings and attitudes in the wider relationship. @Pookie21, I can see why this issue would be tying you in knots if, really, it is not just about some tickets in an otherwise well-functioning relationship, but is a symbol of your fears about your OH and a test of how he will treat you now.

When we have been subject to gaslighting over a long period and are having a supposed ‘fresh start’ with a partner who is otherwise on their best behaviour, it can be really, really difficult to see things clearly and decide if a single seemingly relatively innocuous incident like this is the ‘hill to die on’, as others have put it. Often, victims of gaslighting simply cannot see things clearly. I suspect that is why you are here. While you may not decide to leave over this specifically, note it somewhere (mentally or physically), do not forget it, and be vigilant about his behaviour otherwise. Given the previous behaviours you have shared, it is highly unlikely that your OH has reformed, or would be able to reform without serious work, therapy etc.

If you can, I would suggest trying to mentally step away from the question of the tickets and examine how you feel about the bigger picture. Tickets aside, what does your gut tell you? Do you feel loved and supported? Do you truly trust that your partner has changed? Do you think this partner is worthy of you or do you deserve better? Do you think you will look back in five years and be glad that you gave the relationship another go, or do you think you might wish you hadn’t wasted your time? What would you advise a friend in this situation?

Some posters have advised ending the relationship, which I understand, but that can feel overwhelming when you have been manipulated and abused. Sometimes people need to detach themselves from these situations by degrees (assuming there is no threat to safety which warrants breaking things off immediately). It sounds like you already detached yourself once by breaking up - well done. You sound perhaps less invested and more wary now than you were previously- which will ultimately make leaving easier. At this stage, as long as you are safe, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. As you don’t live together, you could tell him you need to take a pause or break while you think about whether you want to continue. If you do that, his reaction will tell you a lot - is he accepting and understanding, or does he lash out? If you decide to continue after some reflection, it could be with different or stronger boundaries, or you may decide to end things. Again, his reaction will be telling.

I think that the tickets are just a canary in the mine, so to speak. Good luck!!

Ohnodontwantthiscrush · 05/04/2024 08:46

OP this isn't just about the tickets. It's you second guessing yourself. It's feeling anxious in the relationship. You speak of him being manipulative and here I see him doing it again. He decided not to tell you he had invited somebody else and waited for you to unearth it. He's not reassuring you.

Relationships should make you feel happy.

I've been the friend that got used for support on breakups and it's not nice.

However this is not nice for you.

So if he's in a tricky situation the only question should be 'Which is my priority person?"

Personally I think you should break up with him for good this time.

My partner is not perfect and god knows we have been through some sticky periods but I know he would never ever take someone else to see my favourite band. He just wouldn't want me to feel hurt.

Shabnamsshoos · 05/04/2024 08:34

Whether you stay with him or not - and personally I wouldn’t from what I’ve heard - I think the best way to resolve this specific situation would be for him to give both tickets to his friend and let her find someone else to go with AND buy a new pair of tickets for you (and send them to you straight away!)

It'll be an expensive lesson for him!

@splashofcolour it kind of shows how selfish some people are when they buy tickets as “gifts” for others. They’re presenting it as a gift for the other person but really they’re still partly thinking of it as a gift for them which is why they seem to think it’s ok to hang on to it after breakups.

splashofcolour · 05/04/2024 08:30

🤣🤣🤣🤣

I'm sorry I don't mean to laugh OP, but just last night I was telling my husband how my ex-husband asked me if he could take the woman he worked with (who he was semi-dating) to my birthday comedy show - 1 week after breaking up! I said no I'd find a friend to come along with me and he could stay home 🤣🤣🤣

This isn't a completely rare thing for men to requst / do either but I don't know how they think it's okay!

UncleHerbie · 05/04/2024 08:28

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 21:55

I’ve just been replying to other people’s posts, don’t actually know what I’ve done wrong there except try to answer someone’s question & explain more of the circumstances when asked…not sure how that makes me hard work tbh.
also saying ‘I’m sorry’ before insulting someone is very rude, no one forced you to reply!!

Ignore this comment.

You can do so much better: dump, block, move on

Good luck 💐

UncleHerbie · 05/04/2024 08:25

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 05/04/2024 07:59

Fuck no. Dump this cunt.

😂😂😂😂😂 #preach 😂😂😂😂😂

ClairDeLaLune · 05/04/2024 08:23

So he’s pressurising you to do something in the bedroom that you don’t want to do because of previous sexual abuse? Oh OP this is a massive red flag. Please dump him.

The tickets are pretty much irrelevant compared to this, but I wouldn’t put up with that either. He doesn’t value your feelings enough. Dump him.

Oh and Les Mis is my favourite too, I’ll come with you!

Shabnamsshoos · 05/04/2024 08:21

@Pookie21 You said if you were his friend you’d stand down but you don’t know exactly what his friend has been told to be fair. Or what plans she’s made to be there. I don’t think the issue is with her at all, it’s completely between you and your boyfriend.

I partly agree with a pp that it’s nice he isn’t just ditching his friend, and messing her about now that he’s back with his gf.

BUT I don’t think he should’ve invited his friend to begin with!! He doesn’t like musicals, you do -. and most importantly it was your birthday gift.

He should’ve given you the tickets and said you could find a replacement to go with you. It doesn't make sense that he gave your birthday gift away, especially as he admits it was mostly his fault you broke up. And yes he definitely should’ve told you when you got back that he’d given your ticket away!

UncleHerbie · 05/04/2024 08:19

WillJeSuis · 04/04/2024 23:17

Let him have the tickets and run for the flipping hills.

Je t’adore votre nom 🙏🏾

Grapesandcheesetwo · 05/04/2024 08:16

OP, I've only read your posts. The thing that jumped out at me is that he told you he asked another female friend to go first, but you've found out that this isn't true. This is an unnecessary lie he has told since you have got back together. He hasn't been able to change his behaviour.

JPGR · 05/04/2024 08:16

Please finish with this guy. You sound a nice person and you deserve someone better.

diddl · 05/04/2024 08:15

Well if you're not telling people that you are back together I can see why he doesn't want to fuss with changing his plans.

I think he should have given you the tickets though.

All of that said, get rid of the revolting creep & buy yourself a ticket to Les Mis!

Viviennemary · 05/04/2024 08:14

No I don't think he is in the wrong. He made different arrangements and is now honouring his obligation.

5YearsLeft · 05/04/2024 08:13

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 21:55

I’ve just been replying to other people’s posts, don’t actually know what I’ve done wrong there except try to answer someone’s question & explain more of the circumstances when asked…not sure how that makes me hard work tbh.
also saying ‘I’m sorry’ before insulting someone is very rude, no one forced you to reply!!

@Pookie21 , don’t worry about that comment. Nothing has made you sound like hard work, and if you’ve repeated the same phrases, it’s only because people have asked you the exact same questions.

But you could definitely file this thread under “tell me you’ve been in an abusive relationship without telling me you’ve been in an abusive relationship.” I think a lot of the things your boyfriend did were unforgivable, no matter how sorry he is, and in truth, sometimes an apology just means closure; it doesn’t mean that it’s worth trying again. His way of dealing with the issues you still carry from your SA is… I don’t have words. No one in the history of the world has ever healed from SA by being emotionally blackmailed into healing. So him crying, or sulking, or being pissed off couldn’t be less helpful. If he cared and was actually worried that you didn’t seem to be getting any better, he would recommend trauma therapy, or at least Google how to help someone who has SA in your household.

But I think the main problem is that your boyfriend is emotionally abusive and you don’t quite understand that. Maybe you’ve been in relationships that were physically abusive, so it seems better than that, or ones that were emotionally abusive that involved screaming in your face or the silent treatment for days or something that was worse to you than this boyfriend. But it doesn’t make what he’s doing less abusive - emotionally punishing you because you had to rest from the pain for a week after doing some activity with him; sulking and being upset because your son’s SURGERY RECOVERY! took longer than expected. And of course, the cherry on top: he’s promised to change, you’re back together, and he’s already lied to you about asking a mutual friend to go to the musical before he asked E, and he was a completely selfish asshole about your friend being severely injured last weekend. He’s shown you who he is; it’s time to believe him.

I know it’ll suck to miss the musical, but let him go with whoever he wants, and don’t see him ever again, would be my advice. You deserve so much more, OP. You deserve to be loved, and respected, and most of all, supported. Good luck.

JPGR · 05/04/2024 08:09

harriethoyle · 04/04/2024 17:05

I agree @DemBonesDemBones - bearing in mind the present was in Jan, you then broke up for 6 weeks so at least mid Feb I'm not surprised he made alternative plans. YABU.

But they were her birthday present!! You don’t take back a present because you broke up.

Figgygal · 05/04/2024 08:08

There's clearer bigger issues here than these tickets lbut honestly op given the conditions you set when you got back together he sounds awful and the impact its had on you has been pretty big dont let him do that to you again.

UncleHerbie · 05/04/2024 08:07

BCBird · 04/04/2024 18:11

I think it shows he has integrity. He has made arrangements and is not going to cancel his friend. You might feel uncomfortable, but that dies not mean he should sack off his friend.

He’s throwing the OP on the fire to keep himself warm! If he had true integrity he’d explain to his friend that he’d made a mistake (I would understand if I were the friend), give both tickets to the OP for her to take whom she pleases to the theatre with HER birthday gift!

StopStartStop · 05/04/2024 08:04

Ditch him.

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 05/04/2024 07:59

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:47

Because he promised me he had changed, he would listen to/hear me, he would be more caring & emphatic to me, would stop emotionally manipulating me, would listen to my boundaries due to SA & would prioritise our relationship. I promised what he asked which was to be more open/vunerable with him (very difficult for me due to previous SA/abusive relationship), work hard to reduce my boundaries in the bedroom I have from the SA & be more available to see him/talk on the phone.

Fuck no. Dump this cunt.

Ofcourseshecan · 05/04/2024 07:59

GreyCarpet · 04/04/2024 17:22

Why had he kept hold of his birthday present to you?

Both tickets are yours.

He shouldn't have been the one to find a replacement person. That should have been you.

This.

If you gave him a birthday present, would you take it back and give it to someone else when you split up? Of course not.

jelly79 · 05/04/2024 07:58

Everything you are writing OP suggests that he is not right for you and he is demonstrating that. What further clarification do you need?

He should of sent you the tickets not tried to get a refund

He should be prioritising you. Not his friend

Examples of not putting you first. At a time he really should be.