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AIBU?

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Original poster

Bf using my birthday gift with another woman

289 replies

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 16:54

My bf got us tickets to my favourite musical for my birthday in January, unfortunately we broke up shortly after for 6 weeks, but have now been back together a month. The show is next week, I’ve organised my kids but bf told me yesterday as he couldn’t get a refund he asked friends & is now taking a female friend instead (I vaguely know of her). AIBU in thinking that as the tickets were my main birthday gift he should either have given me both to use or cancel taking the woman & take me as they were part of my gift & we are back together?
he says she helped him out by agreeing to come so doesn’t want to change her plans but if I were her I’d be happy to stand down as it was a special gift for us to enjoy together, it feels like he’s putting another woman’s feelings over mine.

OP posts:
ClairDeLaLune · 06/04/2024 00:42

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 21:44

Surely that’s reasonable given it’s something he loves? He has listened by not asking for it & I have listened by doing it more but it’s my choice now as the pressure of him asking for it (etc) has stopped, that’s what you do in a relationship surely?

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No OP this is not how loving relationships should work. You are under no obligation whatsoever to do something for him that he loves if you don’t want to do it. No decent man would coerce you into doing something you don’t want to do. He is abusive. I wish you could realise this OP.

The tickets really are the least of your problems.

CommentNow · 06/04/2024 00:37

100% he is going to come back and say the ticket is already in her name and non transferable or some rubbish.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 05/04/2024 18:13

I look forward to your update after this evening, and ' the chat / proposal of what he has sorted '

meanwhile, I would suggest that you don't get your hopes up.

as ' I was very careful with my wording so he didn’t feel I was giving him an ultimatum or anything '

is treading on eggshells...

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 05/04/2024 17:58

Well it's not her ticket is it, it's OPs. It wasn't his to gift. If she does ditch him as a friend it should be because he was a dick to give it to her, not because he shouldn't be giving the ticket back to its actual owner.

Shabnamsshoos · 05/04/2024 17:37

he replied this morning saying yes he did agree with me & he would sort it all today.

If by that he means he’s going to ask the woman back for her ticket I’m slightly embarrassed for him but on the bright side (for her ) she’ll probably ditch him as a friend tbh

Original poster
Pookie21 · 05/04/2024 17:28

Just to update, I sent him a voicenote yesterday saying actually, now I’d had time to process it, I wasn’t happy with the new arrangement & I still had work & childcare sorted & assumed we’d still be going together as it was his birthday present to me, for us to use together.
he said we could talk tonight as he was busy last night, so I was very brave (for me) said that fine but I hoped he understood & agreed with me as we both agreed to prioritise us & our relationship - I was very careful with my wording so he didn’t feel I was giving him an ultimatum or anything, more an assumption he would still take me.
he replied this morning saying yes he did agree with me & he would sort it all today.

thank you to everyone for your help advice & support, I understand it all sounds quite difficult & dramatic written in one place so I understand everyone advising me to leave. I’m not ready to do that but I will continue trying to be more assertive & also raise a few things with him when I see him in person because yes he definitely hasn’t been more caring towards me & that was one of the main issues before that he promised to work on.
thank you all xx

OP posts:
MrsCarson · 05/04/2024 14:28

For goodness sake just sack him off, he's not changed, he won't change, you deserve better.

waterrat · 05/04/2024 14:02

Op this makes me sad for you. He is supposed to be proving himself and you will be sat at home while he is off enjoying your present with someone else. You only broke up for a few weeks...he could have given you the two tickets to let you enjoy your gift if he didnt think you woupd go together

This is not about random internet input its about you and your boundaries

He sounds like a guy who behaved really badly already and is now not showing much commitment to your happiness.

Please focus on whether or not this relationship meets genuine high standards of your own trust and happiness

tothelefttotheleft · 05/04/2024 13:31

He ignored your one rule regarding SA?

Dump him. He is not a good man.

Greenkindness · 05/04/2024 13:13

And I would be really wary of people who tell you how you should be feeling and whether you should be ok with something.

Greenkindness · 05/04/2024 13:11

I’d be more worried that he doesn’t seem bothered that you’re unhappy and he doesn’t seem to be prioritising you.

If he is trying to make amends for past behaviour I think I would expect him to show this by explaining the situation to the other friend he’s going with and saying this was OPs present. Yes she might be cross but for me that would be a price worth paying if I was really committed to making the relationship with OP work again.

ggggggooooo · 05/04/2024 12:49

harriethoyle · 04/04/2024 17:05

I agree @DemBonesDemBones - bearing in mind the present was in Jan, you then broke up for 6 weeks so at least mid Feb I'm not surprised he made alternative plans. YABU.

Except they were her birthday gift so he should have given then to her. Who hangs on to godfather have given ?

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/04/2024 12:36

"My bf got us tickets to my favourite musical for my birthday in January"

"but they are for my favourite musical, for us to go together, for my birthday present 😬 "

These were your birthday present? In which case, when you split up the tickets should have been in your possession not his - because they were no longer his, he'd gifted them to you.

"this is the second time he’s prioritised another woman friend over me & my feelings, when this happened last time he said he didn’t care enough about the whole situation to let it bother him so I should feel the same. I made it clear he had upset me & I felt my feelings were invalid to him but he just didn’t/wouldn’t get it so I think that’s also why this feels a bit ‘off’"
Jesus wept! Stop being such a fucking doormat and bin this oxygen thief! He is not worth your time. Every time you let him away with bhaving so shittily to you, you just give him permission to do it again.

Get rid.

Nanny0gg · 05/04/2024 12:09

@Pookie21 I'm afraid you've lost the tickets.

Now lose the 'boyfriend' permanently

Mother87 · 05/04/2024 12:01

GreyCarpet · 04/04/2024 17:22

Why had he kept hold of his birthday present to you?

Both tickets are yours.

He shouldn't have been the one to find a replacement person. That should have been you.

This!

TheBestEverMouse · 05/04/2024 11:23

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 21:14

He lied & exaggerated stuff, refused to respect my one bedroom rule (due to a SA which I told him I would work on), gaslit me about events/conversations/his and my feelings, manipulated my emotions so he got to play the victim, cried because my SA upset him, broke arrangements, made me feel guilty for not being very available when he was (when my son was recovering from surgery, unfortunately this wasn’t the 6 weeks I was told so I understand this must have been hard for him but completely out of mine/my sons control), sulked when an activity he arranged for us was too much for me physically & I needed a week to rest/recover from the pain/exhaustion as he’d got a few days off work & I couldn’t see him - even though we had no arrangements. Unfortunately, because things got too much for me but I really didn’t want to break up & wanted to believe him when he said he’d work on things I wasn’t myself the last bit of our relationship and as I’m the one that ended things he can now throw that at me, that he’s so hurt etc. he didn’t hear me, or listen to me.
BUT, he promised me he would really try, he actually authentically apologised (instead of his usual ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’) took responsibility for his actions & finally made me feel like he appreciated me as a person/gf.
I found my friend unconscious with a head injury, bleeding on the floor on Saturday & although he will be find thank god, understandably I’ve not been myself, I’ve kind of shut down emotionally & he has been soooo unsupportive (he was there, but extremely drunk & his reaction is ‘he’s fine’ about our friend, mine is different as I’d only had a couple of drinks & as I found him I had to check his breathing, call people for help, call 999, stay with my friend & his wife) yet tonight because he has a cold he’s telling me how unwell he feels, how hard work has been for him & I just don’t have it in me to comfort him even though I want to, I just can’t right now especially given how unsupportive he’s been.

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This man is not the right one for you. He sounds like a hard work arsehole.

DrDavidStarKey · 05/04/2024 11:20

Nanny0gg · 04/04/2024 19:04

Then he could have given them to you

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This. The correct thing to do was to give you the tickets irrespective of the break up.

If he was decent, he would have mailed you the tickets.

If he was half decent, on discovering he couldn't get a refund, he would have mailed you the tickets.

Because he is a turd, he has arranged what he has arranged and told you to suck it up.

LTB.

beAsensible1 · 05/04/2024 11:12

I don't think he's wrong, you guys broke up. for some reason he didn't give you the tickets, so he chose to rearrange.

I don't think insinuating that he's trying to date his friend is a great shout, or that he doesn't want to cancel on her last minute after I imagine she made plans based on the outing and probably agreed to be a supportive friend.

These things happen when you break up. Start with a clean slate,

sandyhappypeople · 05/04/2024 10:47

He won't change OP, I think all of this talk about tickets is just an unnecessary distraction from the more important issue.

You know in your heart of hearts that he isn't the right person for you, you tried to stick it out after it became unbearable.. you shouldn't EVER have to do this, the right person will love and respect you no matter what you're history is, they won't judge you or pressure you to do things you don't want to do, or sulk when they don't get their own way.. when people like him promise to change, they are only doing that to tell you what you want to hear, they can't actually change their personality, it's either in them or it's not.

His behaviour will only get worse as he wears you down, while you think you are changing him, he is actually changing you, and by the time you realise, the damage will already be done. If you've got your own kids to think about, please don't accept anything other than honesty, kindness and respect in a partner, no matter what you think, you are worth so much more then what he is capable of offering you.

PenguinLord · 05/04/2024 10:26

Also- just get a pair of tickets and take a friend if you have childcare sorted! You can get really cheap good tickets for West End shows these days!

PenguinLord · 05/04/2024 10:25

From my side- imagine Im a friend and someone invited me to go to see something, I agree, and then they say- sorry I got back with my ex, f* off. Not nice. I get why he does not want to do this, and it's not about putting another woman over your feelings. I think it's a bit shitty to uninvite people because circumstances change.
He should have given you the tickets at the time, but he didnt and you broke up. He made other arrangements and regardless if you are still together uninvisitn the friend would not be on- she is not to blame for his behaviour.

What he should have done:
a) offer for you to go with the friend :P
b) buy a new set of tickets and take you

But really based on how you decribe him... Id just break up with him again and never let him back in your life.

SpeedwellBlue · 05/04/2024 10:23

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 21:14

He lied & exaggerated stuff, refused to respect my one bedroom rule (due to a SA which I told him I would work on), gaslit me about events/conversations/his and my feelings, manipulated my emotions so he got to play the victim, cried because my SA upset him, broke arrangements, made me feel guilty for not being very available when he was (when my son was recovering from surgery, unfortunately this wasn’t the 6 weeks I was told so I understand this must have been hard for him but completely out of mine/my sons control), sulked when an activity he arranged for us was too much for me physically & I needed a week to rest/recover from the pain/exhaustion as he’d got a few days off work & I couldn’t see him - even though we had no arrangements. Unfortunately, because things got too much for me but I really didn’t want to break up & wanted to believe him when he said he’d work on things I wasn’t myself the last bit of our relationship and as I’m the one that ended things he can now throw that at me, that he’s so hurt etc. he didn’t hear me, or listen to me.
BUT, he promised me he would really try, he actually authentically apologised (instead of his usual ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’) took responsibility for his actions & finally made me feel like he appreciated me as a person/gf.
I found my friend unconscious with a head injury, bleeding on the floor on Saturday & although he will be find thank god, understandably I’ve not been myself, I’ve kind of shut down emotionally & he has been soooo unsupportive (he was there, but extremely drunk & his reaction is ‘he’s fine’ about our friend, mine is different as I’d only had a couple of drinks & as I found him I had to check his breathing, call people for help, call 999, stay with my friend & his wife) yet tonight because he has a cold he’s telling me how unwell he feels, how hard work has been for him & I just don’t have it in me to comfort him even though I want to, I just can’t right now especially given how unsupportive he’s been.

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He sounds horrible. I think you should end it.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 05/04/2024 10:09

MiltonNorthern · 04/04/2024 21:46

So he has badgered you for a certain sex act that you don't like doing because of abuse and now you think he's a good guy because he's stopped badgering you (only because you've agreed to do it anyway despite your trauma)
No, this isn't normal in a relationship. Not by any means.

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👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Animatic · 05/04/2024 10:09

What did I just read? Woah 🤣 I assume he is on blocked list on your phone and SM by now

Bumblebeestiltskin · 05/04/2024 10:08

hot2trotter · 04/04/2024 21:33

I'm sorry OP but you sound like hard work.

How many times are you gonna say they were my main present / it's my favourite musical / we don't live together etc. You are just repeating yourself. It's weird.

You've listed a ton of reasons why you broke up in the first place and I honestly can't see this lasting long term.

I don't think she sounds like hard work in the slightest! HE sounds like a complete waste of space.