Bf using my birthday gift with another woman

@taylorswift1989 couldn't agree more. "Starting to like it" so at some point you disliked it and he was happy with that. His sexual gratification and getting his rocks off, comes before your comfort and boundaries. How did this agreement even materials??

Bf- id really like a blow job
Op- actually I'm not into that based on past trauma and SA
Bf- oh go on! ????

Worse still hes got you thinking its a good idea. So you broke up because he's an abusive, manipulative gaslighter, you've taken him back on the pretense of changed behaviour. He hasn't changed and is taking another woman out on your date! So you're changing your sexual boundaries to suit him and hes done nowt. This man is a svengali.

Quite honestly OP all of this angst over a long distance relationship, seems rather ridiculous the more I think about it. How often do you actually see this man? How long is it since you became a couple? I just can't help thinking that you're putting in an awful lot of mental effort into a man who you seem to barely know. If you're not even living together, why are you so desperate to keep 'working' on it? If you have to 'work' on a relationship before you've even made a decision to live together, it really isn't a relationship that's worth having. After all, with 80 miles between you, you can't possibly know what he gets up to when you're not around, and this friend who he's already been out with, and who he was planning to take to the show, using YOUR birthday present, could actually be someone that he sees far more than he does you, after all, if they're just friends she should understand the situation, and he shouldn't feel the need to take her out for a day because he's cancelled the plans. He could perhaps offer to buy her a ticket for a show that she would like to go to, to make up for any disappointment, but if he were to do that, then he definitely shouldn't even think of going with her. For all you know, they could be having a relationship behind your back which you don't have a clue about. In my opinion, the best thing you can do for your mental health, (which you don't even trust him enough to tell him about it), is to end it, and find someone closer to home, who you can truly get to know and trust.

This is really quite distressing to read, OP.

This man has been sexually coercing and abusing you. Telling yourself that it's normal and you're starting to like it is you gaslighting yourself.

You do not have to do anything sexually that you don't want to do. A loving partner accepts that there are certain sex acts that their partner isn't into, for whatever reason. They don't bully you, persuade you, or even allow you to persuade yourself. A good partner isn't interested in you forcing yourself to do something you feel uncomfortable about for their sake. A good partner would just take that off the table altogether and find things that you both like instead.

Please take a step back from this. You've described how broken down this man made you feel for months. If he's going to change, it will be a long and slow process involving a lot of professional support. People don't change just because they say they will. Or even just because they want to change. Are you going to sacrifice your emotional wellbeing, sexual comfort, and physical health to this man just because he promises to change?

Another time I read a thread and wonder how we teach women proper boundaries so shitbags like this man don’t get their claws in.

OP, your boundaries really need work. You have made excuse after excuse for this shit bag. Honestly, no relationship is perfect, but this, what you’ve put up with already, is not normal.

I look at it like if he handed over an item for your present, say a bracelet, he presumably wouldn’t have asked for it back and given it to someone else? No it would have stayed with OP, unless she gave it back in the circumstances. To me the principle of the actual giving of a gift stays the same.

Like OP has said, she didn’t ask for his Xmas gift back.

But I agree with pp that the bigger picture is his behaviour especially in regards to being respectful of your feelings about how your sexual relationship looks like. How well he treats you and prioritises you (or not) is much more important.

You'd keep the gift you already bought them before their birthday, and you split up after the birthday? And organise a replacement guest within 3 weeks and then not tell them when getting back together?

Erm you broke up and the tickets were for both of you so he could have given you one or chosen to keep it as he paid and correctly asked someone else to go instead so it wasn't wasted. I wouldn't give a person a birthday gift after splitting.

I'm sorry, im commenting again, because I've read all your replies and he's worse than I thought. He's made you feel bad about your SA? And made you agree to work on it? This man has not changed in the month you were apart. You dumped him for a reason, and took him back based on him changing. But he hasn't changed, he still did the things you dumped him for and now hes doing this. I dont even know you, but can tell you are worth more than him. Hes either trying to make you jealous or is just selfish to the bone. I've done some shit in my time, but in a million years and a million universes I dont think I'd be able to sit through a show, with another dude, knowing my lover was at home, who I bought the tickets for and was sat wondering what the show was like and if I was having a good time. It really wouldn't take much to find better than this guy.

I don't understand. Hes using your birthday gift on someone else? Quickly organized a replacement didn't he.

Yeah, that feels off too. Presumably the arrangements to go with her were made in the 3 weeks you weren't speaking. Which is very fast. It feels more like that he thinks you're going to break up with him again and he's setting her up to be the rebound.
He shouldn't need to 'make it up to her' if they're mutual friends and she had the unexpected surprise of being asked to go, he's not letting her down as there were no obligations or expectations in the first place,bits just something a mutual friend suggested that fell through. No foul.
If he insists he has to make it up to her that would make me apprehensive, if he really feels he has to then it should be to take her out to lunch / dinner or something, with you invited as well to be transparent and show how he's taking your feelings into consideration more.

I'm also concerned about the wanting to know the Why's behind your behaviour, I get where you feel the way you do, as you're used to cold-heartedness, but some manipulators will go the other way and want to know that stuff to use against you and gaslight you further, which is the vibes I'm getting from him.

I think it’s weird he feels he needs to take his friend out for a day, sure she’s a friend? All a bit strange.

OP, would you want your partner to do something sexually that you knew made them uncomfortable or triggered a trauma response?

Would you still be aroused and turned on by your partner doing that thing sexually knowing they didn't really want to, were uncomfortable and upset by it and were only doing it because you like that specific sex act?

Of course not.

Because you're not a horrible, nasty, selfish cunt.

He wants to do something sexually with you that he knows you aren't comfortable with. If my partner knew that a sex act made me anxious, uncomfortable and stressed then he wouldn't remain turned on by doing that sex act with me.

The thought of me being anxious, uncomfortable and stressed would be more than enough to make him not want me to do it at all, even if he had enjoyed it with previous partners. Because he cares about me and respects me. That's nothing special, it should be a basic expectation in a relationship.

I'll ask you again - would you want your partner to do something sexually that you knew made them uncomfortable or triggered a trauma response?

' crossed wires ' oh yes ! not !!!

is the theatre tonight ? and is it you that is going with him

and his female friend is being taken out for the day, one day, instead ?

It sounds like you just gave him a whole lot of ammunition to use against you and lots of ideas for gaslighting you in the future.

Just to be clear, you are choosing to stay with a man who sexually coerces you, abandons you in times of stress, takes another woman out for your birthday and has to be told how to show empathy for you because he has none.

Do you have any friends or family in real life you can talk to, OP? I think you could really use a good friend.

I explained more about my ocd/anxiety/MH

so you gave him an excuse to behave badly 🙄

Nope. This man is no good. He won’t change and you’re so vulnerable.

I do hope for you that he has now sorted this out. Please remember there a people to support you if / when you decide it is time to call time on this relationship. You deserve to be supported and heard.

You've only been back together for a month...so how long did he stop asking for it for? a few days? A week?
How do you think he would have reacted if you hadn't 'reduced your boundaries' so quickly?

This ^

If he knows you don’t want to do it, that should kill his pleasure stone-dead. If he cared about you, he wouldn’t want you to do something that makes you so uncomfortable. He is a very selfish man and not worth hanging on to.