Bf using my birthday gift with another woman

Pookie21 · 2024-04-04T15:54:26+00:00

My bf got us tickets to my favourite musical for my birthday in January, unfortunately we broke up shortly after for 6 weeks, but have now been back together a month. The show is next week, I’ve organised my kids but bf told me yesterday as he couldn’t get a refund he asked friends & is now taking a female friend instead (I vaguely know of her). AIBU in thinking that as the tickets were my main birthday gift he should either have given me both to use or cancel taking the woman & take me as they were part of my gift & we are back together? he says she helped him out by agreeing to come so doesn’t want to change her plans but if I were her I’d be happy to stand down as it was a special gift for us to enjoy together, it feels like he’s putting another woman’s feelings over mine.

Original poster

Pookie21 · 18/04/2024 16:58

KidsandKindness · 17/04/2024 17:59

Sounds like you're kidding yourself to me OP, but I'm glad you got to see the show. However, is he still taking his 'friend' out for the day to make up to her?

Absolutely not 😂 we spoke about it, I gave my opinion (weird) and said if we are completely together I’m not comfortable him spending 1:1 time with a single woman that’s a new friend (for context, me & bf are both part of a particular health community with Instagram accounts in this community, they have had some chats online which doesn’t bother me as it’s a very friendly community) but taking it into real life, just the two of them is not appropriate in my eyes. Once I’d spelled it out & flipped it around to me going out with a new male friend he didn’t know he got it. He just takes a minute, an example of it flipped & being honest with himself & me about his feelings to catch on 🤦‍♀️ but now I know exactly how to ‘reach’ him so we can discuss things better.

OP posts:

KidsandKindness · 17/04/2024 17:59

Sounds like you're kidding yourself to me OP, but I'm glad you got to see the show. However, is he still taking his 'friend' out for the day to make up to her?

Original poster

Pookie21 · 17/04/2024 17:56

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/04/2024 00:05

@Pookie21

So when was the show ?

was it last Saturday 8th
or Sat just gone 15th ?

How was it ?!!!

It was last weekend & it was INCREDIBLE. We had the best time, he apologised for being a dick & he checked in whether the walking was too much for me, did I want/need to get a taxi, carried my heavy bag I’d travelled to him with when I met him - he IS trying & yes it takes him a minute to ‘get’ things but I’m learning I can bring something up, give my opinion then leave him to think & then we have a good discussion on it. He has a lot of damage from his childhood/marriage but he’s explained more & is really trying to work himself over his first thoughts into more 2024/us thoughts.
Things are really good - however, I am being slightly cautious, I am raising things (massive for me) & I am doing some things on my terms to stay in control & make sure I’m ok. I’m very hopeful but also know if we were to separate I would not wait months this time, or get unwell. I’m very, very sensitive & he’s much more blase about life so we are teaching each other a different way to deal with life which is mutually & personally beneficial

OP posts:

TiredMum30 · 15/04/2024 00:26

You take his ticket and go with his friend and he can babysit

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/04/2024 00:05

@Pookie21

So when was the show ?

was it last Saturday 8th
or Sat just gone 15th ?

How was it ?!!!

determinedtomakethiswork · 15/04/2024 00:04

I don't think this is a good guy. I'm very upset that he is pushing your sexual boundaries.

He knows that you've been sexually assaulted and he still is insisting on this one thing that he likes. That isn't what a good man would do.

I'm glad there is a physical distance between you and I really think that you should stop seeing him and focus on yourself.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/04/2024 15:15

He’s not going to treat you better and emulate you. He just isn’t. It’s not in his nature. The best you can do is to put good boundaries up and tell him what is and isn’t acceptable. You should only put the same amount of energy into a person that they put into you.

kkloo · 12/04/2024 12:36

You're not a therapist OP or an empathy coach and you're just going down the exact same route so many women went down before you where they think the love of a good woman can fix a man.
You're just going to waste more years of your life.

kkloo · 12/04/2024 12:21

Pookie21 · 08/04/2024 00:44

No, of course not, but all men like/want this & henow knows & understands he can’t ask me, touch me on the top of my head or hint at this act/other things similar and I’ve said I am prepared to work on my boundaries with this because I want to get over the SA & do it and I know he likes it, and I am starting to enjoy it so I honestly don’t understand what is wrong with that?
I get people thinking less of him because how he was in the past but he really has changed that behaviour because I told him that was not acceptable, kind or helpful. I don’t mean to sound stupid but he’s the only man who has taken in what I’m saying (even after mistakes in the past, yes) and changed his behaviour to make me more comfortable

Show quote history

Of course we think less of him, he's probably caused sexual trauma in several women.
Men shouldn't be praised because they stop being less rapey.

And you are only recently back together and you already started to reduce your boundaries for him.....so he hasn't shown you that he's changed at all. You would have only seen if he had changed if you hadn't done those things.

And a couple of months ago is not 'the past'.

hottchocolatte · 09/04/2024 21:00

I'm sorry OP that's ridiculous.

Why don't you say to him. Actually since they were my birthday gift I'm taking my friend Sharon.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 09/04/2024 20:44

so what is ' it's all sorted now '

when are the tickets for ?

Original poster

Pookie21 · 09/04/2024 19:59

Thriving30 · 09/04/2024 13:19

I agree with @DemBonesDemBones
Unfortunately he didn't physically give you the tickets so he was able to ask someone else to go instead.
You did break up for 6 weeks, I think YABU

There were only 3 weeks we weren’t talking/didn’t see each other, and as the tickets were arranged and booked before my birthday for my birthday, we broke up after my birthday and we got back together, I didn’t think it was reasonable for him to take a new friend as I would have happily paid for my ticket as I’d already arranged childcare/work. I just didn’t know if I was reading too much into it or actually not enough, but it’s all sorted now

OP posts:

Flavabobble · 09/04/2024 19:54

If he doesn't want to let her down I think you should suggest YOU go with her.

Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2024 19:42

Sweet Jesus.

Oh well. I’ll keep an eye out for the next thread of delusion.

Ginkypig · 09/04/2024 19:09

They weren’t his to invite someone else to!

he gave them to you for your birthday so they were yours, you should have in that time have been the one who invited someone else!

so if he had given you a pair of trainers would he have given them to friend during your break up? No because once he had given you your gift it became yours.

opentoadvice88 · 09/04/2024 19:05

Concannon88 · 09/04/2024 17:58

I'm afraid I'll have to leave the topic there. Its far too sad to hear someone be grateful for their partner being coerced into doing the right thing he should have done in the first place.

👏🏼

Please stop accepting crumbs.

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 09/04/2024 18:54

he is a good man, yes he is flawed but so am I, especially at our age.

My god. I cannot stress this enough. This man is not a good man. This man is shit. You need therapy and to raise your bar.

Concannon88 · 09/04/2024 17:58

I'm afraid I'll have to leave the topic there. Its far too sad to hear someone be grateful for their partner being coerced into doing the right thing he should have done in the first place.

taylorswift1989 · 09/04/2024 17:09

Oh OP. You gave him another chance to show that he's willing to work on the relationship and do the things he promised to do. As soon as the opportunity arose to put his words into practice, he let you down.

He doesn't 'naturally' think about other people. So naturally he's selfish and self-centered. But you think your love will change him. You think if you do even MORE for him it will inspire him to do more for you.

I could save you the time and the mental and emotional breakdown by telling you what is obvious to everyone except you: he doesn't give a shit. He's not DOING anything because he doesn't care to. He knows that all he needs to do is to SAY that he cares and is going to change, and you'll step in and fill all the gaps for him. He's shown you over and over again who he is. You should believe him.

Protect yourself. Work on yourself. Spend some time single. Do the Freedom program. Get some therapy. Make some friends. Find a hobby. Work out what makes you happy and then go back to dating when you have more of a sense of yourself and more to lose by taking up with narcissistic and abusive liars.

Thriving30 · 09/04/2024 13:19

I agree with @DemBonesDemBones
Unfortunately he didn't physically give you the tickets so he was able to ask someone else to go instead.
You did break up for 6 weeks, I think YABU

PinkyFlamingo · 09/04/2024 13:03

There isn't any hope for you OP if after writing down everything he has said and done and read people's replies you think he is a "good man". You need therapy for your BPD to help understand why you think having a man who is bad for you is better than having no man at all

KidsandKindness · 09/04/2024 12:17

How old actually are you OP? Why do you feel this makes a difference to the way he should treat you?

Original poster

Pookie21 · 09/04/2024 08:35

CactusPeach · 08/04/2024 21:31

^^ This.

You got back together on the promise of changed behaviour.
You don't need to fuss and fight and force and beg. Just state your needs and your boundaries clearly and calmly.
Then observe if his behaviour has actually changed. If he takes this woman to your birthday gift or he makes it up to her in a way that has the two of them spending time alone together, he is not prioritising you the way he promised he would.
If he doesn't follow through with his promises they're just empty words.

And on the sexual side, it may well be something he enjoys but you don't, in that case you're not sexually compatible and it could even be a deal breaker if he doesn't want to go without that sexual act but under no circumstances should he coerce or pressure you.

Show quote history

we are going to watch the show together now. I saw him yesterday & spoke to him about ‘making it up’ to his friend & explained if we are completely together & committed to each other I’m very uncomfortable with him spending alone time with a single woman, especially as she’s new new friend who I don’t know. I flipped it back to how he would feel if it were the other way around & he started by saying of course he wouldn’t care/get jealous…then admitted yes, he would hate it.
I truly think he just doesn’t Naturally think situations Through, past how they make HIM feel (& a lot of that is confusing for him given his upbringing & showing no emotion) but he does listen, even if it takes a minute.
I said yesterday how I’m doing all the things he asked me to work on, yet last week when he had a chance to put into practice him showing he cared etc he didn’t, and obviously that hurt. That I feel it’s unfair me doing the work & him not so much because both our situations are difficult/not natural (eg phone calls bearing in mind I hate talking on the phone) to us but I’m STILL trying & even though I’ve said how important the empathy & care is to me, he’s not trying.
he understood, apologised & said he really will try. I’ve backed off emotionally a bit from supporting him as I feel I get very little back, but I think I actually need to support him more to show him how nice it feels to have someone in your corner & the difference someone showing they are there for you (even if there’s very few tangible things that person can do) feels good to him so he needs to learn how to do it back - I’m prepared to wait for this as long as he is trying & listens & grows.

also, due to work/kid schedules, we see each other for a couple of days a week, it’s not perfect but the best we can do right now. I know he is faithful, in my heart I know he shows me he cares in his own way (eg buying a mattress topper bc his bed is hard for me, always having a bottle of my favourite drink & food when I’m at his, buying extra plugs for me to charge my phone easily, bringing down my favourite cookies when he comes) I know they might seem insignificant but to me that’s him showing he does listen/take notice of things I do & say.

he is a good man, yes he is flawed but so am I, especially at our age.

OP posts:

CactusPeach · 08/04/2024 21:31

CommentNow · 08/04/2024 18:50

It's a lot of talking and you still arent getting your birthday gift and he is still taking another woman out.

That's the bottom line.

My boundaries would be to tell him to fuck right off because o deserve first place. Not third after him and his friend. And I wouldnt beg for it. The relationship would be over because he simply isnt good enough for me.

You are not winning anything here. Its not fun is it? Please break the cycle, you deserve so much more

^^ This.

You got back together on the promise of changed behaviour.
You don't need to fuss and fight and force and beg. Just state your needs and your boundaries clearly and calmly.
Then observe if his behaviour has actually changed. If he takes this woman to your birthday gift or he makes it up to her in a way that has the two of them spending time alone together, he is not prioritising you the way he promised he would.
If he doesn't follow through with his promises they're just empty words.

And on the sexual side, it may well be something he enjoys but you don't, in that case you're not sexually compatible and it could even be a deal breaker if he doesn't want to go without that sexual act but under no circumstances should he coerce or pressure you.

CommentNow · 08/04/2024 18:50

It's a lot of talking and you still arent getting your birthday gift and he is still taking another woman out.

That's the bottom line.

My boundaries would be to tell him to fuck right off because o deserve first place. Not third after him and his friend. And I wouldnt beg for it. The relationship would be over because he simply isnt good enough for me.

You are not winning anything here. Its not fun is it? Please break the cycle, you deserve so much more