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Original poster

To be feel at odds with revelation that my married friend is having an affair with my ex?

32 replies

Multicolouredwebs · 04/04/2024 16:39

Just that really, found out very recently from a third-party that my friend is having an affair with my ex. I don’t have any lingering feelings for him just fond memories of a first love. However, this does not sit comfortably due to the deceit to his wife & also feel she’s crossed a boundary getting with a friends ex, she hadn’t confided this in me at all which were the affair not with my ex I know she would have. My advice would have been to not get involved. If his wife finds out she will be devastated. Friend is confident he’s leaving his wife, although he hasn’t as yet.

OP posts:
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newrubylane · 21/07/2024 09:31

So because you dated someone 23 years ago you get to control who can or can't go out with them? If it was reversed and you fell for a friend of this ex's, would you think your ex should get a say in the matter? I doubt it.

Skybluepinky · 21/07/2024 09:11

Not yr circus not yr monkeys.

Pennyswimsplash · 21/07/2024 08:58

Shameless behaviour no respect to the wife no respect to her long-standing friend and clearly no respect to herself. Can never understand how someone can get where a friend or relatives ex to me it's just disgusting behaviour. It's the behaviour you'd expect to see on an episode of eastenders.

pictoosh · 21/07/2024 06:25

So you're making a situation which is nothing to do with you, into being all about you. I see.

IfYouEscapeTheLionsDenDontGoBackForYourHat · 21/07/2024 06:14

Do you like her husband? I'm not "pro cheating" but unless her husband is your friend too or you feel you owe him more loyalty than you owe your friend, I'd just stay out of it.
Her affair with your X weird though. Awkward.

Edingril · 21/07/2024 06:14

It's none of your business he can do what he likes, you say you don't care but you do so I would work on that

FalderalderaldoSittingintheWater · 21/07/2024 06:11

Multicolouredwebs · 04/04/2024 20:53

Am I unreasonable to think that she crossed a boundary starting a relationship with my ex or should that not really be bothering me too?

Yes. That's a line you don't cross.
She sounds revolting

unhappywskid · 21/07/2024 06:02

Cheating is wrong, full stop. Besides, of all the people in the world, she had to choose your ex? Gross.

Original poster
Multicolouredwebs · 05/04/2024 16:55

GRex · 05/04/2024 09:54

That isn't fair. Perhaps you don't have a significant ex to understand. My uni/beyond boyfriend and I lived together, adored each other, were enormously close and considered marriage. I wouldn't want to get back together, but I would not consider someone a "friend" who knowingly dated him without even considering that would be very uncomfortable for me. Guys I dated for a few months - whatever, don't care.

Show quote history

Thank you, you seem to understand my position perfectly.

It’s an absolute shit show all round and of course my sympathy lies with the wife who I don’t know. What if it does work out between them and he leaves his wife, it will be really strange them two being in a committed relationship. I wouldn’t be able to just call to hers/their home for a coffee like I do now &/ or be in their company socially it feels too weird.

OP posts:
GRex · 05/04/2024 09:54

ScarlettSunset · 05/04/2024 08:20

Obviously it's not right that they are both cheating on their spouses.
However, you seem to be making this all about you and her betrayal to you. She hasn't betrayed you. You are not one of the wronged parties in this at all.

That isn't fair. Perhaps you don't have a significant ex to understand. My uni/beyond boyfriend and I lived together, adored each other, were enormously close and considered marriage. I wouldn't want to get back together, but I would not consider someone a "friend" who knowingly dated him without even considering that would be very uncomfortable for me. Guys I dated for a few months - whatever, don't care.

ScarlettSunset · 05/04/2024 08:20

Obviously it's not right that they are both cheating on their spouses.
However, you seem to be making this all about you and her betrayal to you. She hasn't betrayed you. You are not one of the wronged parties in this at all.

WaitingfortheTardis · 05/04/2024 08:12

If she can't be loyal to someone she married she was never going to be loyal to you. Sounds like someone you no longer need to be friends with.

GRex · 05/04/2024 08:10

Multicolouredwebs · 04/04/2024 21:17

23 years ago, lasted 7 years first love, we lived together.

Show quote history

Yeah, that is too long a relationship for me to feel comfortable. Whether it matters to you or not, she crossed an unnecessary line; she could have hurt you and didn't care. The cheating is troubling too. Is it difficult to just not see her again for any reason? Polite wave in the street and otherwise ignore.

Pottedpalm · 05/04/2024 08:09

Multicolouredwebs · 04/04/2024 20:53

Am I unreasonable to think that she crossed a boundary starting a relationship with my ex or should that not really be bothering me too?

You are being unreasonable about this. He’s not your property.

Pippa246 · 05/04/2024 08:06

I think I’d be okay with them being together after that amount of time had passed if they’d met up “normally” and were just getting on well, progressing to seeing each other.

The affair is wrong obviously - YANBU to question the friendship but I think you are BU to focus on it being your ex after nearly a quarter of a century.

Xenoi24 · 04/04/2024 21:22

7 year relationship?

It's inappropriate.

But her shagging him when he's married is another level, obviously.

Matter of fact about it? She sounds like a sociopath.

I think I'd fade from the friendship.

Original poster
Multicolouredwebs · 04/04/2024 21:17

Pippa246 · 04/04/2024 21:11

@Multicolouredwebs yes but to a degree. You haven’t answered the question about how long ago you went out with him - was it recently or 15 years ago?

23 years ago, lasted 7 years first love, we lived together.

OP posts:
Pippa246 · 04/04/2024 21:11

@Multicolouredwebs yes but to a degree. You haven’t answered the question about how long ago you went out with him - was it recently or 15 years ago?

Original poster
Multicolouredwebs · 04/04/2024 21:06

DelurkingAJ · 04/04/2024 20:56

Well, that depends, if someone was dating my boyfriend from 20 years ago I simply couldn’t care less…why would I? But my friends at uni dates each other all over the shop so maybe that made me immune to that.

Cheating makes me see people very differently though…so I would handle with caution for that, not for who the affair is with.

I would never sleep with or start a relationship with a friends ex. I don’t think that’s the norm to bed hop with your friends ex’s… well not in my experience. It’s like sleeping with someone your sister had been with, I’m sure there’s an unwritten rule here that friends just wouldn’t do that.

OP posts:
hazeydays14 · 04/04/2024 21:04

Multicolouredwebs · 04/04/2024 20:53

Am I unreasonable to think that she crossed a boundary starting a relationship with my ex or should that not really be bothering me too?

I know others have said this isn’t the issue and I guess in the grand scheme of things that isn’t the betrayal here but depending on how close a friend she is to you I do think it’s an issue, it would be for me. But then I’ve only got one ‘ex’ apart from people I dated in school so if one of my friends dated him even though I’m happily married I would be confused as to why. Then he’s a POS and they knew that so maybe that’s why!

legalseagull · 04/04/2024 20:58

Multicolouredwebs · 04/04/2024 20:53

Am I unreasonable to think that she crossed a boundary starting a relationship with my ex or should that not really be bothering me too?

This wouldn't bother me if she was single and it was an ex from a long time ago. I have no feelings towards any exes, so I wouldn't give a hoot.

Createausername1970 · 04/04/2024 20:58

Multicolouredwebs · 04/04/2024 20:53

Am I unreasonable to think that she crossed a boundary starting a relationship with my ex or should that not really be bothering me too?

She crossed a line starting an sexual relationship with someone she knew was already married.

Being your ex is awkward but not the issue.

DelurkingAJ · 04/04/2024 20:56

Well, that depends, if someone was dating my boyfriend from 20 years ago I simply couldn’t care less…why would I? But my friends at uni dates each other all over the shop so maybe that made me immune to that.

Cheating makes me see people very differently though…so I would handle with caution for that, not for who the affair is with.

Original poster
Multicolouredwebs · 04/04/2024 20:53

Am I unreasonable to think that she crossed a boundary starting a relationship with my ex or should that not really be bothering me too?

OP posts:
SoundTheSirens · 04/04/2024 16:56

How trustworthy is the third party?

TBH I think it matters less that the guy is your ex and more about the fact she's risking a lot of pain to his wife and her husband (you say she's your 'married friend'). Good people can do bad things but if it is true, I'd be keeping my distance from her in your shoes.