Did anyone else become an adult late in the game?

If you'd locked yourself into the mortgage and career path in your twenties, you might be on here agonize that you'd never travelled and done the things you really wanted to. Turning forty does that. It's good to think about what you want to do next - it doesn't mean you need to criticize your younger self. It's not a race to the finish line.

Try bring me.
38, living with stepdad, single , no kids, low paying job.

You are fine .

OP, I hate that you see being an 'adult' as having ticked the right boxes.
I know what you mean, but there is more than one way to live and none is the 'right' or 'wrong' way - so long as you can support yourself financially and aren't committing crime!

You don’t sound like you’re not an adult. You sound like you’re no longer happy with elements of your life and need a change.

adulthood isn’t just about kids, houses, mortgages, and finances. It’s more that ability to take responsibility for yourself and your life, which it sounds like you do.

You are independent, have your own business, have travelled. You sound great. But if you’re ready for a change in some way then sit down and actually think about what you want.

don’t just launch into something in a panic. Do you want to do hotel management, or is it just a course that happens to be available?

i hope you find whatever comes next!

I followed a very traditional route. Work is a bit more unusual in that it took me a while to find something 'steady' but I graduated, did a masters, met a bloke, bought a house, married the bloke, got a dog, bought another house, had a baby... and here I am at 34.

My good friend is 52, she did a degree, including a year abroad. She then worked for a year or two, but decided she had itchy feet. She then spent the next 10-15 years bouncing between countries around the world, doing whatever job suited her at the time. She's had relationships, but none that have stood the test of time. She did a masters in her 40s (where we met!) to 'retrain". She ended up spending the next 10years living in 3 different countries.
She's been settled for a couple of years now. But I know it won't last!
She is THE most interesting, competent and able person I know. I watch her with awe, and a lot of jealousy. She has lived a thousand lives, and whilst at times she says she's been lonely, she also can't regret any of the choices she's made. To be able to organise packing up and moving to a foreign country, often non English speaking, find a job, make friends etc, and then do it all over again 3 years later, is far more grown up than me managing to produce offspring and keep my dog alive day to day.

Keep living your life the way it suits you. If you want to settle down, do it. But if you want to keep wandering and not be tied down by property and a salaried job, then don't be guilted into it. There are plenty of us who feel those things are shackles. People who judge you for not having that are just scared by your freedom.

Who wants to be an adult?
In your situation i'd retrsin or go off travelling ( probably the latter followed by the former).
Once you have a mortgage and a family it's not so fun. More secure? .yes...more fun? No.

I never yearned for them or anything, but at least having a kid or two is like a "see, I can do something adult" badge!

Reproducing is not any kind of 'badge'. Some of the most immature people I know are parents (and probably shouldn't be). The fact that they slept with someone which resulted in the birth of a child does not mean anything. It often simply means they were incapable of thinking through the consequences of their actions.

OTOH, some of the most mature people I know have made a conscious decision that they do not want children, because they've reflected on their lives, their personalities and what they want.

You decided you didn't want children for a reason - frankly it is messed up that you are beating yourself up for not having them. You made the decision because you knew yourself and what you wanted.

If it helps… I’m early 30s and tick all of your boxes of being an “adult” (house only owned because DH already had one when I met him) and I STILL wake up on many a morning and feel like I’m in my early 20s tumbling from one day to the next. I most definitely don’t have my shit together. I manage professional teams on multi-million pound projects and often have terrifying moments of wondering how I ended up in this position because my personal life is so chaotic!

There are lots of ways of being an 'adult' and it's a bit of a bug bear of mine when people say they 'can't adult' etc. You are an adult. You've been one since you were 18.

It's an interesting definition you have of 'having your shit together' and just because you don't own a house or have investments does not mean you are not a valid person .

It sounds like you've had certain messaging from your family (I had it too) that has really made you question your whole sense of self worth based on whether or not you have children, own a house, are in a certain career pathway.

Why are you allowing these messages to make you question your validity to be in the world?

'Why the fuck is my life so convoluted?'

Because you were born into a family who had certain expectations of what you would be, and you're not that.

Mate, in the nicest possible way, you need some therapy to focus on accepting and valuing the person that you are. You've travelled, you actually sound like a really nice person. There is value in things other than having kids and having a certain type of career.

And no one who is not 'an adult' can cope with work as a freelancer. You are mature, resilient and well rounded. You're a fucking adult, you're just not in the small box that is your family's definition of what they think you should be. And you are letting that rule you.

No career is going to make you accept yourself and the fact that you are different to your family (and that is actually OK).

100% me! I see myself as a free spirit. My family think I'm a mess.

*for a deposit

Bought a house at 35, DH has just set up his pension at 38. We’re only now building savings after stopping paying for nursery.

It’s never too late. Open a stocks and shares ISA (easy to do; read Martin Lewis) and do a standing order for whatever you can afford per month.

If you don’t have a pension start one TODAY. Again, easy to do, something like the Vanguard SIPP, split your money across 4 medium risk funds and do a standing order. Claim tax back via tax return on the amount you put in if youre a higher rate payer, it’ll soon add up.

Can you look at retraining? Start saving die a deposit for a flat? It’s not too late but don’t procrastinate.

@Hartley99 Has it 100%.
I would go mad if I compared myself other people half my age.

I've embraced gratitude - I'm not in pain, nothing needs fixing/replacing, I have food, light and heat, a roof and I'm still relatively fit enough to walk or cycle places. Touch wood, I consider myself very fortunate.

OP, I really recognise a lot of what you’re saying. I also tend to get distracted by the could do this, could do that aspect of career/life decisions. None of them are really perfect, also, if we were inclined to be a bit more conservative we could still decide that, but probably decided not to for good reason. The five year plan really helped with the overall direction of things. It was just a few words handwritten as a mind map. I also did the Myers Briggs personality test, have to take it with a grain of salt but it did give me some insight into myself career-wise. There are free versions online. I don’t have kids btw, and I’m not going to.

My uncle got a mortgage and became a first time buyer in his late fifties or early sixties.

I'm on the verge of starting a career at last. Had mental health problems in my teens so didn't do as well as I should have at school. I went to uni at 26. Managed my degree but due to physical health problems didn't go to work, then had kids and that did a lot of damage physically. I will finally be starting my teacher training in September at the youthful age of 48. I do have a mortgage but that's entirely down to DH being successful not me.

@OneSeriousPerson I've noticed you said you've bagged a public sector job offer - Well Done!

One big step to a good pension investment at the right time to invest for the next 20 years or more.

Plus you can climb up the ladder, earn more and add to your pot.

I'd say your efforts to knuckle down are starting to open doors, keep going and don't give up, you have time to turn this around. Best Wishes

I agree with this wholeheartedly.

Not wanting to delve too deep OP but what is driving the feelings you have about where you should be?

On paper I look like an adult but assure you that I am still waiting for the feeling inside to catch up - and I say this as a single parent, responsible for other small people.

Remember the age old saying ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ - hopefully that isnt too trite as not meant that way at all.

Plenty of "adults" who have kids, mortgages, pensions etc, are actually very, very childish and immature in many ways.

Some of my colleagues in their 40s/50s/60s have all these things, but can have moody strops that make them seem like teenagers.

ME!
I had a lot of adverse childhood experiences which (along with late diagnosed ADHD) delayed my maturation process considerably.

I’ve essentially had to pay a therapist for years to help me learn how to deal with my feelings and be gentle on myself. To raise me!

My schooling was shit and I just grew up in a very ordinary boring town with low aspirations. Simply surviving was the aim of the game.

I knew I didn’t want to marry a local boy and settle down so I set about travelling, living all over the world, joining various scenes, clubbing, music I even had a stint living in a few different hippy communes.

After a few years in minimum wage jobs, I finally decided to apply myself to getting a degree and qualified in my 30s. This led to a professional wage and year by year I’ve started to grow up but it’s taken me a very long time.

I’m still renting.

I do cringe when I think of all the proper grown-up friends of DH who met me over a decade ago and I was so immature emotionally, financially and in every way really.

We used to visit them and I’d feel as though they were the adults in the room talking about grown up things like mortgages, savings and they’d have beautiful homes while mine was just a mish mash of bits like a teenagers bedroom spread out through wherever I was renting.

Its been lovely lately visiting them again and feeling finally more on a par with them. It shows me how hard I’ve worked on myself.

I needed to be on safe/ non- triggering/ chaotic ground for long enough to coax my brain out of fight or flight in order to start making a success of myself and I feel that finally in my 40s I’m there.

It’s never too late!

PS lots of adult things are not necessarily good.
Having a kid is only good if you have the emotional capacity to raise them well with a partner who is genuinely invested in working as a team domestically.

Having a mortgage is okay as long as you’re not killing yourself trying to pay it off. Sometimes the European renting model is better to help people live within their means.

I get it OP, I think 40 is the scary age where you can't pretend you're young and have plenty of time anymore...at least that's how it feels.

At 30 it didn't bother me that I didn't have those things, but staring down the barrel of 40 feels a bit more depressing. I will hopefully get my driving licence this year, almost 20 years after my first few lessons...(why the fuck didn't I just stick with it then, oh yeah because I never seem to fucking stick at anything that's why...)

I'm also renting (will probably never be able to afford to buy) and in a job I don't enjoy, and haven't had much in the way of a big career - I travelled a lot and bummed around for my 20's (which I loved), then went to college in my early 30's and started working in more 'professional' roles, but I don't fit into the corporate world, and have no interest in moving up or progressing.

It doesn't help that all my best friends are in long term relationships (I've been single for a few years, never seem to be able to make a relationship last), and have their own houses. I just feel like a teenager compared to them.

My father was sick I was helping to care for him until recently, and I know this has taken over my life a bit the last few years. He died a few months ago, and I swing between feeling that life is precious and short, and I should make the most of it, go live my dreams and do something amazing - and feeling like I have no motivation to do anything, and I don't know what my dream job even is so where do I start. It all feels a bit overwhelming.

Sorry that was long, just want you to know that there are others out there who feel the same.

Why on earth do you think those things make you an adult/mature OP? I’ve known people who tick all the boxes (career, marriage, big house, etc) who are pathetic, overgrown babies. I can think of two men off the top of my head who are successful in the conventional sense but who behave like revolting, spoilt children (petty, small-minded, throw temper tantrums when they don’t get what they want, that sort of thing). I never judge people by meaningless status symbols. I judge them as individuals.

The people who impress me most are the ones who do their own thing and don’t care what society thinks of them. Give me an eccentric, bohemian individualist any day. For me, maturity means individualism. It means knowing who you are, having your own principles, and being your own person.

Op you're not alone!
I retrained in my thirties (prior to this had always just got whatever entry level job I could without any plan for a career - care work, hospitality etc)
Learned to drive in my thirties. Finally moved out of a houseshare, managed to get on the property ladder solely because lovely partner had the deposit. No kids and don't plan on having them.

Always felt I was just scraping by and couldn't understand how my peers seemed to have it together. Did actually find out later that I am neurodiverse though (ASD) which I suspect had a role!

It does at least sound like you've had an interesting life so far, and that is valuable. We don't all have to fit the stereotype of a good little capitalist (mortgage, hire purchase, pension) it'd be very dull if we all did!

Not having kids does NOT mean you’re not an adult.

as a LP aged 46 I still feel like I am playing catch up! trying my best after years of freelance to launch my own stuff but it's difficult when you are the only one paying the bills, cleaning, running a business, looking after a child. I think I may have some success in the next year or so - finally! Keep your fingers crossed for me!!! All these people who have pensions etc - I can only dream of it! But suspect things will change soon.