Did anyone else become an adult late in the game?

Just turned 40, no house either. Am hoping to buy with my partner this year, but there's no guarantee that it will be possible. Having a house doesn't automatically make one successful, amongst most people I know it's a sign of a rich family or having had a rich relative pass away who hadn't needed to go into care.

Have a career that I trained in a few years ago, however am becoming despondent that I'll never get off the bottom rung.

No kids, don't want them. Even if I did I doubt we'd be able to afford them.

Don't see what's wrong with being out several nights a week, though I suppose it depends how much people are drinking. If you don't have kids, are you simply supposed to become a telly addict after a certain age? My "going out" involves cultural events and activity groups, not sure if that would count as any more mature.

Overall, thank you for posting this. It's been good to hear others' perspectives.

Do you want to talk? Hope you're feeling a bit better.

I trained in healthcare, a field which is desperately short of workers. I also trained in an area which many enter as a second career.

Dear god I feel like such a mess today

It doesn't sound like you want any of these things, you just think that ticking these boxes off makes you an adult, but it does not. Just live your life the way you see fit!

But yes, your behavior with focusing on something for a bit and then just dropping it does sound like ADHD.

I'm in my 60s, don't have kids and never wanted them.

I never wanted the normal, corporate, cog in a wheel, tied to the yoke in order to make the economy grow life. I've worked for myself all my life as a gardener making just enough money to do the things I enjoy and keep a roof over my head. I didn't work all day, all week or all year. I had time off to be, travel (cheaply) and muck about enjoying life.

I look at other people on the treadmill, working into their 60s to buy the latest car/sofa/cruise or put their kids through university.....then I sit in my garden with a cup of tea, put my feet up and think fuck that, it looks like a trap.

Do your own thing. We've only been told that growing up constitutes a proper job, a mortgage, kids...........we don't have to believe that.

@LanaL gah teaching Is HARD. I've had several people tell me even the training was the hardest thing they'd ever undertaken.

I wonder if you could use your training to do something like being an engagement officer for a charity or museum. Google 'engagement officer'. Might suit you x

Thank you .

I feel embarrassed sometimes because I tried a few things over the years and teaching was the first thing I actually stuck to. Now , here I am already trying to get out .

I thought - great , I’ll have a good wage and holidays off with the children to make up for working evenings and some weekends with studying , but it’s just not worked out like that. I’m now in supply having to work in the holidays to try and bump my wage up. My husband supported me through all my studying and now he’s still having to pick up the slack financially. We are by no means well off and I feel guilt with that. Luckily , he is really supportive and it was him who pushed me to leave my first teaching job as I was so utterly miserable and he said to me that my happiness and my mental health was more important than money. I’m currently applying for a CS job that pays about £200 a month less than what teaching would pay ( but more than what I get in supply when I worked it out ) and he’s so supportive of this . I’m lucky in that aspect .

It’s just sad that teaching makes me feel like this . I know I’m a good teacher , I have lovely relationships with all the children I teach and my intentions are so good - I really want to be a positive role model in these children’s lives but I have to consider the impact on my own children . The final straw was , as a mother of a SEN child , being told to not continue with things I had put in place for a SEN child in my class - on advice from an Educational Psychologist and things that were actually working and helping this child to focus more and produce better work - as they are “ never going to progress “ and instead should focus more on the ones that are . I was told if they want to just run around the class during input let them . That’s on top of a lot of toxic and damaging behaviour within the environment behind the scenes …. But I can’t be a part of a system like that 😟

Thank you .

I feel embarrassed sometimes because I tried a few things over the years and teaching was the first thing I actually stuck to. Now , here I am already trying to get out .

I thought - great , I’ll have a good wage and holidays off with the children to make up for working evenings and some weekends with studying , but it’s just not worked out like that. I’m now in supply having to work in the holidays to try and bump my wage up. My husband supported me through all my studying and now he’s still having to pick up the slack financially. We are by no means well off and I feel guilt with that. Luckily , he is really supportive and it was him who pushed me to leave my first teaching job as I was so utterly miserable and he said to me that my happiness and my mental health was more important than money. I’m currently applying for a CS job that pays about £200 a month less than what teaching would pay ( but more than what I get in supply when I worked it out ) and he’s so supportive of this . I’m lucky in that aspect .

It’s just sad that teaching makes me feel like this . I know I’m a good teacher , I have lovely relationships with all the children I teach and my intentions are so good - I really want to be a positive role model in these children’s lives but I have to consider the impact on my own children . The final straw was , as a mother of a SEN child , being told to not continue with things I had put in place for a SEN child in my class - on advice from an Educational Psychologist and things that were actually working and helping this child to focus more and produce better work - as they are “ never going to progress “ and instead should focus more on the ones that are . I was told if they want to just run around the class during input let them . That’s on top of a lot of toxic and damaging behaviour within the environment behind the scenes …. But I can’t be a part of a system like that 😟

I am 43 and have been in a well paid job for years however I only bought my own home last year (and that’s shared ownership)

the property market is so hard and virtually impossible if you are on your own

things change overnight though don’t be so hard on yourself, if that’s what you really want sit down and come up with a plan to do it ie saving for deposit etc

Please don't feel embarrassed or disappointed. We can't know the reality of things until we try them. 💮

Teaching .

Did not realise I hated it until I was in it , no . Did not realise what it actually was until I was in it . Sadly, I’m not the only one this early on to be already wanting out and you wouldn’t believe the amount of experienced teachers telling me to get out now . I almost had a breakdown in my first year employed , now I do supply . It took 5 years altogether - with an access course , a degree and a PGCE. Thankfully , I didn’t do my degree in teaching so it’s not like the whole of that time was purely teacher focused .

But , I still feel disappointed and in a way embarrassed - I made such a big deal of qualifying. I was so happy . I couldn’t imagine myself wanting to anything else . But - as a student I was on the stage with the bright lights and then once I qualified I actually saw backstage and backstage is a very broken education system 😢

Good Lord. What's the profession and how long was did the qualification take? Did you not realise until you were doing the job that you hated it?

Yep , I’m almost 40 , have only just in the last 2 years qualified in a profession and I hate it and am looking to get out - currently on lower wages than expected due to this . No where near buying my own home , lots of debt . 10 years ago I would have thought it would be so much different !

But , do you know what I do have ? Beautiful , happy , healthy children a happy marriage and health .

so no I don’t feel like I’ve failed . You don’t have to meet society’s expectations for your life to be relevant and fulfilled . If you’re happy that’s all that matters x

I'd say stop listening to your judgey normy family and figure out when and why you became dissatisfied with your lifestyle, and what your new priorities are. If you want a child, don't wait.
If you haven't got a house, maybe don't beat yourself up about past choices and you and your partner's circumstances and just figure out if that is a priority and if so, what you need to do to get there.

Do you not know what you want to do for your career, even in a dream scenario? Are you just under confident in going after what you want? What is wrong with going into hotel management if you love working with people and like travel? Lots of jobs are all about relationships and communication - can you draw up a list? What about going back to basics and remembering what you loved doing when you were younger?

I know people who have retrained in middle age, one of whom had basically done nothing with his life till he was in his forties and then became a barrister. It has worked out for them. Don't fret.

But what's your industry? Do you like it? Do you need to retain or simply reframe your many years of experience and start charging a lot more/going for better paid contracts? I don't think freelancing is a sign that you haven't got it together. The amount of extra work and organisation involved makes it a lot harder than having a PAYE job.

Thanks for this thread. I get how you feel OP. I’ve turned into a bit of a late bloomer and generally feel DH and I are getting our shit together in our 40s in ways other people did years ago.

Had a difficult childhood and many years of therapy. Was freelance for years and then in quite poorly paid charity sector work.

I changed career in my 40s, I work in tech in the civil service which is better paid than a lot of CS professions, and is helping me catch up pension wise. Bought a house. Sorted some other things, like my dodgy teeth. No kids as sadly we can’t have them (though haven’t ruled out adoption, we’re not in the place for it right now).

I feel a bit shitty when I read threads about people becoming mortgage free in their 40s and 50s, we’ll be in our 70s!

I wish I could do my life over and make different decisions, but I can’t. Having some more therapy to help with this at the moment - would recommend if you can.

Yeah. You really need to stop putting so much onus on what your family say/ think.

Your mum might not even really know what 'a marketing job' means or entails these days.

Start asserting yourself and take charge of your life - your family can't do it for you.

I turned 40 last year - single, no children, don't own a home...all of my friends and family got married etc. in their 20s. I do feel like a bit of a failure.

I switched careers early 30s after a degree in late 20s/early 30s. There were some condescending interviewers but they were minority. Overall I was under the impression interviewers enjoyed talking to someone who was a bit more mature and actually understood realistically what they are getting themselves into and what the company/ job are about.

Mid 30s I was still in the bars until wayyy past midnight, renting etc. 3 years later bought a place, was married, flourishing career and shortly after kid on the way. I’m glad I lived it up back in the day for as long as I did.

I have no kids because I never wanted them,
I used to own my own home and have had opportunities to do the same again but love the freedom of renting,
I’ve been with DP for 10 years but we aren’t married.
My only investments are handbags and shoes.

Some people think not having kids or not being married means me and DP aren’t adults or committed. We went out one evening and were asked constantly if it was fear or commitment stopping us from being married- DP pointed out it’s more of a commitment to stay together when there is nothing stopping you walking away. We aren’t legally tied together but we CHOOSE to stay together - no matter how much we hate each other sometimes 😂.
We choose not to have kids because it doesn’t appeal to us. We love having the freedom to travel and sleep in late and not have to worry about anyone but ourselves.
More and more people are choosing a childfree life because having children isn’t expected as much as it was, there is more honesty about how difficult it actually is.
Now it isn’t just a box to tick but something people choose to do and are better informed about the challenges parenthood brings.

I know plenty of people with kids, mortgages, careers who still don’t feel like grown ups. They come to me for advice because there isn’t a check list to being an adult.
I have a lot of life experiences and I might not have a dazzling career but I’ve got common sense and the wisdom of growing older.

It’s literally the years that you’ve lived and the experiences that you’ve had that make you “grown up”. It’s not a list you check off.
You can drive, get married and have kids in your teens, they are choices not accomplishments.

When my mum was dying that was my wake up call, I desperately looked round for an adult and realised that I was supposed to fit that description, I had never felt less like a child.

Live your life how you want and if anyone judges you then use your maturity and experience to see that they aren’t in a place to judge. There isn’t a “one size fits all” for living life.
If you want to make changes then do it out of choice and not expectation, you are the person living your life so it’s only your opinion that matters.