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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think they should still replace it...

336 replies

YorkshireRose80 · 04/04/2024 10:47

TLDR:
Friend borrowed expensive item six years ago, lost it and not replaced it despite frequent requests asking for it to be replaced.

Long version:
Six years ago, I bought a £300 fancy BBQ in a sale for £150, I didn't have a suitable garden for it at the time, but it was a bargain so I bought it and stored it away.

Six months later, my friend was asking around to see if anyone had a BBQ she could borrow for her mum's birthday party which friend was hosting. Mine wasn't being used, so I happily lent it to her. She used it and thanked me and said she'd drop it back at some point. As I still didn't have a suitable garden, I said there was no immediate rush.

The following summer, I had a suitable garden and wanted to have a BBQ, but recalled my mate hadn't returned it. I asked her to return it and she apologised for not doing so sooner, but later messaged to say that she's really sorry, she's looked and not been able to find it. Said she must have lost it!

Not quite sure how you can lose a fucking BBQ. I lent it to her unopened, in its box, it weighed a lot and was big and bulky.

I was quite upset, as I'd never even got to use it, but I didn't go off at her as she was pregnant with her first child and she'd had a couple of scares. So, I asked if she could have another look for it and get back to me.

Anyway, long story short, she couldn't find it. I awaited her message to say she'd replace it, but it never came. Her DD was then born and I let it go for a while as she was on mat leave and money was tight. But when she was back working, I asked her outright to replace it and she said she would, but it never materialised.

So, every spring for the past five years I have asked her again if she could please replace my BBQ. She says she will, but doesn't.

I know it's only a BBQ, but it's not something I'd usually be able to afford for the original price and I've held off buying a cheap one, hoping friend will come through with replacement.

Clocks have now gone forward and it's almost time for my annual request for my BBQ! 😅 My mum said I should let it go, but my DH agrees with me and said I should persist for a replacement.

If I lost something I borrowed, expensive or not, I'd replace it straight away.

My friend is doing well for herself and recently got a brand new car, her DD and DS have lovely clothes and lots of tech, so money doesn't seem to be the reason. And if it was, I'd be open to her paying for it in installments.

Soooo....

YABU - Suck it up buttercup, it's gone, get over it.
YANBU - She needs to replace it, regardless of how much time as passed. It's the principle of the matter.

OP posts:
LinaLouLa · 05/04/2024 17:13

Lose the friend. She is no friend....

DecoratingDiva · 05/04/2024 17:03

How do you lose a BBQ? I’m afraid I can’t get past that bit 😂

But if she has been stringing you along for so many years I would just accept that you will get neither BBQ nor ££ from her and she’s not that great a friend either.

I once lent a sewing machine to a friend, for various reasons we lost touch, I never asked for it back & now it seems a bit churlish to get in touch just to ask for it back so I’ve just written it off as “one of those things”.

TrustyRusty68 · 05/04/2024 17:00

She should absolutely replace it but if I’m honest, she’s not much of a friend & seems unlikely she will after so long. Ask once more & if she’s not forthcoming, stop hanging out with her. I mean - how do you loose a bbq - there’s obviously more to this! It’s either been constantly used & is now too knackered to return or something. There literally isn’t an acceptable answer though - other than for her to replace it!!

Stormyweathr · 05/04/2024 16:43

YorkshireRose80 · 04/04/2024 16:03

I did have somewhere to store it, it was being stored in my lock up. I didn't have much of a garden at the time, but bought it and stored it until I would have the following year.

And seeing as it's vanished into thin air, my friend didn't store it either!

Show quote history

I would buy one then message her and say ‘you owe me xxx for the bbq I have replaced it myself’ how would you like to pay even give a deadline

MaybeRevisitYourWipingT3chnique · 05/04/2024 12:33

Pluviophile1 · 05/04/2024 11:52

Years ago, a boyfriend dumped me. I asked him for my CDs back (showing my age). He said he couldn't find them. I kept on at him for several months - 'Have you found them yet'? etc. I was also asking his brother and friends if they could chase it up.
He eventually handed them back and they all laughed at me for being so petty about some CDs.

Petty, maybe. But you don't get to keep something that belongs to someone else or not replace it if it got lost just because you decide to.

Interesting how YOU were 'petty' for wanting your property back, whereas HE apparently wasn't being petty in childishly keeping hold of them instead of returning them to you promptly when asked.

Surely a bunch of CDs are either petty or they aren't; he can't have it both ways.

Skiphopbump · 05/04/2024 12:02

YorkshireRose80 · 04/04/2024 19:25

I haven't sent one message a year, I've sent many. Sometimes she'd reply with some links to some crappy small BBQs for two people, asking if any suited. I replied saying not really, I need a like for like replacement, one that would cook more than two sausages. She says she'll look for more and then go quiet again.

I'd message her again, she's reply saying she'd got distracted with baby and would look when she got a moment.

I did said some links of my own and was told she'd take a look and speak to her partner as he'd have to collect it. Then go quiet again.

It's just when the the clocks go forward, it always reminds me to ask her again. 😅🙈

I saw her face to face a couple of weeks ago , bumped into her on a night out, but she was shit faced and wouldn't have remembered anything we discussed, so I left it.

Show quote history

Make sure you send her links to places with free delivery then there are no excuses about collection.

Pluviophile1 · 05/04/2024 11:52

Years ago, a boyfriend dumped me. I asked him for my CDs back (showing my age). He said he couldn't find them. I kept on at him for several months - 'Have you found them yet'? etc. I was also asking his brother and friends if they could chase it up.
He eventually handed them back and they all laughed at me for being so petty about some CDs.

Petty, maybe. But you don't get to keep something that belongs to someone else or not replace it if it got lost just because you decide to.

brocollilover · 05/04/2024 11:15

MaybeRevisitYourWipingT3chnique · 05/04/2024 11:10

It's breath-taking how some people will 'lose' something that they've borrowed from another person - whether they have truly lost it or not - and just assume that means it's all OK and they don't have to replace it.

It was MY fault that YOUR property is gone, but it's obviously up to you to fully bear that loss.

can’t say it’s happened to me since i was a teenager and with my sister

MaybeRevisitYourWipingT3chnique · 05/04/2024 11:10

It's breath-taking how some people will 'lose' something that they've borrowed from another person - whether they have truly lost it or not - and just assume that means it's all OK and they don't have to replace it.

It was MY fault that YOUR property is gone, but it's obviously up to you to fully bear that loss.

brocollilover · 05/04/2024 08:20

Seriouslynonono · 04/04/2024 21:51

On reflection on my previous 'let it go' comment, I think I'd have some fun with this to get it out of my system

Random but regular 'where's my BBQ, where's my BBQ, where's my BBQ' texts, Barbie birthday cards, come on barbie lets go party music links, the odd postcode 'brits having a BBQ', a 'missing BBQ' notice on the lamp post outside her house

Really drive her mad about it.

and all she does is mute the op

and meanwhile op wastes time and energy sending those messages

which she could channel towards finding a bbq on sale and enjoying summer bbqs in her garden. using her own bbq. for the first summer in 7 years.

76evie · 05/04/2024 00:22

After 6 years I’d let it go, along with the friendship

Anonymous2025 · 05/04/2024 00:14

I wouldn’t ask for money . I would send her a link if what she needs to return asap

ttcat37 · 05/04/2024 00:07

She says she’s lost it… surely she replaced it then as she’s not been without a bbq all these years? Doorstep her saying “urgently need a bbq, can I borrow yours?!”
Then, you know what to do.

Seriouslynonono · 04/04/2024 21:51

On reflection on my previous 'let it go' comment, I think I'd have some fun with this to get it out of my system

Random but regular 'where's my BBQ, where's my BBQ, where's my BBQ' texts, Barbie birthday cards, come on barbie lets go party music links, the odd postcode 'brits having a BBQ', a 'missing BBQ' notice on the lamp post outside her house

Really drive her mad about it.

brocollilover · 04/04/2024 21:03

YorkshireRose80 · 04/04/2024 19:32

Nope. Then again, I didn't invite her to any at mine....

Oh, wait a minute.... 😅

Show quote history

so this “friendship”

sounds like everything a friendship shouldn’t be

Helen1625 · 04/04/2024 21:00

On principle, I wouldn't let this go. It's just downright rude and out of order what she's done.

I prefer a face to face rather than a text as it's easier to fob someone off in a text but I'd find a barbecue that is like for like, send her a link or show it to her and say I'm having a family barbecue on X date and I need you to sort this out. 6 years is taking the absolute piss. Tell her you loaned it to her in good faith as that's what friends do, and that she doesn't seem to be taking this seriously enough but you do expect that barbecue to be replaced.

PerfectTravelTote · 04/04/2024 20:19

Let it go.
It's been 6 years. You're not getting it back.

Sassysia · 04/04/2024 19:52

Have you actually seen this “friend” and spent time with her in the last 5 years? Do you socialise often? I can’t imagine any of my close friends just ignoring the fact they “lost” something of mine after borrowing it. It’s very strange!!!

Parrotseatthemall · 04/04/2024 19:34

OP it has probably rusted and got thrown away at some point. It sounds like you should have taken it back when she first offered and your 'there's no hurry' attitude has backfired maybe. Barbeques are not a pleasure to clean either.I think you should chalk this up to experience as unpalatable as it is. She has offered to replace it except with something inferior to your mind. I would doubt it would be servicable after all those years even if you hadn't leant it to her and used it yourself tbh. It's up to you if you hold a grudge and write the friendship off too

Original poster
YorkshireRose80 · 04/04/2024 19:32

brocollilover · 04/04/2024 17:40

in 6 years

your friend has never invited you to a bbq at her place?!

Nope. Then again, I didn't invite her to any at mine....

Oh, wait a minute.... 😅

OP posts:
Original poster
YorkshireRose80 · 04/04/2024 19:30

TimeandMotion · 04/04/2024 17:25

Did you go to the BBQ for the Mum OP? Did you see it being used?

sit down with your friend, say, “right, we need to get to the bottom of this. You can’t lose a BBQ.”.
Then ask her to talk you through what happened to it after the party, where she put it, when she last saw it, possible places it might be, whether someone else might have borrowed it from her husband, or taken it or husband sold or gave it away not realising it was not theirs. If it got broken or rusted up fine but she still owes you the cost.

do not let it drop, do not deal by text.

No, I don't know her mum. It was a family BBQ anyway.

Thanks for advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
YorkshireRose80 · 04/04/2024 19:28

Thanks everyone for the replies.

I have a couple of different tactics to try it seems. Then if she doesn't replace it, I'll buy a big bastard BBQ on Klarna or something to spread the costs.

Then plaster photos of my first fabulous BBQ garden party all over Facebook, before blocking her.

OP posts:
Original poster
YorkshireRose80 · 04/04/2024 19:25

LouOver · 04/04/2024 17:16

You've sent one message a year for 5 years. Sorry OP but either let it go or grow a backbone.

You need to send link with your bank account details and do a follow up starting once a week then a few days then daily. She'll either do it or ask you stop harassing if she has the gall.

I haven't sent one message a year, I've sent many. Sometimes she'd reply with some links to some crappy small BBQs for two people, asking if any suited. I replied saying not really, I need a like for like replacement, one that would cook more than two sausages. She says she'll look for more and then go quiet again.

I'd message her again, she's reply saying she'd got distracted with baby and would look when she got a moment.

I did said some links of my own and was told she'd take a look and speak to her partner as he'd have to collect it. Then go quiet again.

It's just when the the clocks go forward, it always reminds me to ask her again. 😅🙈

I saw her face to face a couple of weeks ago , bumped into her on a night out, but she was shit faced and wouldn't have remembered anything we discussed, so I left it.

OP posts:
qotsa · 04/04/2024 19:02

seven201 · 04/04/2024 18:54

This year when you ask for a replacement say it's X model and here's the link for ordering it. Tell her you're hosting a family BBQ in may or whenever so there's a deadline. Does she have her own bbq now?!

😂😆🤣. Sorry. I said basically the same

qotsa · 04/04/2024 19:01

Not sure why it crossed out my first option. 🤦🏻‍♀️

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