DH blaming me for being tired

Working part time is still working though. She works 50% of his hours yet does 100% of the night wake ups. She had asked him to do two hours out of a 10 hour stretch, which he couldn't do. She she had asked him to do 20% of one night, to her 80%. How is that fair?

She’s doing the majority of the giving whilst he is doing the majority of the taking. She’s taking on the brunt of the burden of child rearing in that house hold. He clearly does not see it that way, even though he clearly does a lot, a lot less than her regarding the children, house work etc.

That’s pretty much it OP: communicate when you aren’t both tired and try to work together. Sleep deprivation is actually a form of torture so it’s no wonder parents get cranky.

I also think you are right about the temperaments of dcs. They do come with their own needs and tempers and there isn’t a manual that works across the board. Good luck.

It’s had some thanks. Thank god eh.

The worst sleeper I know of (now a teen) was sleep trained. It worked for about 18 months. It’s no panacea.

see the thing is… it IS the tired Olympics but in order to survive it you both have to realise you’re on the same team, not opposing teams. It’s a relay.

Sleep deprivation is horrible - there’s a reason it’s used as a form of torture. Try to keep talking in the middle of the night to a minimum - sleep rage is absolutely a thing. We try to minimise our frustration at night and communicate during the day.

were on second DC - DH was amazing with sharing the night wakes with our eldest who was a Covid baby and very daddy oriented. New DD is VERY different and is a huge mummy clinger so settles much better with me and so I do a lot of the night wakes (and fair enough because I’m on Mat leave at the mo)

When I say it’s a relay it’s a lot of give and take. Recently my DH has been really poorly and has had big work deadlines so I have been taking on pretty much all the overnight wakes and house duties but now he’s through the worst of it he’s picking up his side again. There’s been a few snaps and harsh words where I’ve been so tired and I have been feeling frustrated that he’s been overworking himself and refusing to rest and get better basically stringing out the illness… but we’re a team and we’re on the same side.

it does sound like maybe you need to have a gentle word about sleep hygiene and the things he can do to help himself feel better rested. Also we have found a game changer to be making sure we reconnect every now and again. We find we are the most snappy and crabby when we haven’t spoken properly for days and we feel disconnected and distant.

good luck OP - as you know it’s not forever. Sleep will come again.

Or you should consider whether you are prepared to meet your child's needs at night before having children?

You would go to A&E for an unsettled baby?!

Sometimes cosleeping is the only way anybody's going to get any rest. It's utter tosh that they'll do it forever as anybody with an older child will tell you. Babies need human contact and adults need rest.

You both need rest and a lot more understanding, you're in this together, it isn't a point scoring exercise. The nights when you're off and he's working you absolutely should be doing a little more, but either way of you want to work as a couple then give and take rather than looking for external validation.

You should sleep train the child.

Seriously?!?
That is neither an accident or an emergency

So because I work part time and my partner works full time that means I have more parental responsibility? He laid down and made them kids with me my partner works 70 hours a week and will sort the kids in the night if I don’t wake first and will get up a couple days in the week so I can sleep. You don’t get a pass because your partner works part time.

Thank god that it doesn't sound like anyone is listening to you.

I never get the rationale that the working parent is more deserving of sleep… like it’s not ok to work while sleep deprived, but sure, go ahead and be responsible for 3 little lives on very little sleep.

just because being a stay at home parent isn’t a ‘paid’ job, doesn’t mean they’re any less deserving of rest ….

@Sweetheart7 A&E for an earache?? Unless accompanied with a temperature it’s very unlikely to be an infection. My 3 YO had an earache this week so I took her to Boots the next morning, pharmacist took a look and said it was a build up of dried wax and told me what to buy. Deffo not worthy of A&E!

It seems to be a man thing to not be able to manage their own sleep. My son 3yo has always been an early riser and as I work from home with flexible hours (42.5 HR week) I start at 4am and he cares for our son from waking till 8.30 when he goes to pre school for the morning. Despite this he always watches and plays with his phone till late, falls asleep on the sofa and comes to bed late then wonders why he is tired. I would do all night wakings if needed as I am the one upstairs.

We now have a 3 month old too, so he has to deal with the 3yo night wakings which are every night once for some reason. I am with the baby yet he still struggles to sleep and moans he is tired.

The other day he moaned about his tired he was after I only got 4hrs of broken up sleep and well it didn't go down well he soon realised he had the better end of the deal!

A&E for ear ache?! 🤦‍♀️. Its not life threatening....you only need some antibiotics from a gp in the morning.

How is sleep training going to help with a toddler with an ear ache? No one needs to co-sleep, but co-sleeping doesn’t inhibit self soothing. My two sleep very well, my toddler no longer co-sleeps, baby does and wakes for a couple of quick nurses during the night - no sleep training or restriction of any parental support at night necessary.

Ah. Thanks. I had indeed misread read it 🤦🏼‍♀️.

In that case, it changes things significantly.
He agreed to something then backed out. Bad form.

I think you misread the OP. She asked him to have the baby for a few hours at midnight, he agreed but then he woke her up before 1am, so less than an hour for OP.

It doesn't read as OP being cranky to me, more that she rightly asked him why he'd woken her up when he had agreed to let her sleep.

Yes, this! I'm confused too.
As far as I can tell, DH had the child down in own bed from 10pm till 1am. OP was able to sleep from 10-1. That was what all that was asked of him.
That's a few hours sleep for OP, surely?

Considering OP stated that youngest normally wakes hourly, this is a bonus. It's not DHs fault the child slept when it was on his watch.
Maybe the child sleeping for a longer period in own room, should indicate to OP to consider ceasing with the co-sleeping.
Just a thought. ......

Also, sounded like OP was quite off with him. Also dragging up the past onto arguments at 1am is never a good way to go.
That argument would be upsetting. I can see why DH would have trouble sleeping after that.

OP is understandably very tired. I wouldn't cope with waking up hourly. However, to say effectively "just because he's tired doesn't mean he can take it out on me. I don't get cranky with him when I'm tired"

OP clearly does get cranky and take it out on him when tired.......

I'm not saying he's innocent BTW. But as other PPs have said, BOTH need to be more understanding of the other and teamwork is needed. It's shouldn't be an OP V DH kinda situation.

It doesn’t sound like he blamed you. When you are tired you are bound to be cranky - it seems like he is tired too. Leave it for a bit and then when you are both able to have a conversation (like when kids are in bed) explain that you don’t think the current arrangements are working and suggest something else. This could be - if he likes to stay up late, that you go to bed at 9 and he does all wakes up until 2am. That way you can have 5 hours uninterrupted sleep (I would recommend earplugs). Then he can have 5 hours uninterrupted sleep until 7am.
and you can both have whatever sleep either side of that the baby allows.

if he isn’t happy with that ask why? And for alternative suggestions. Don’t let him palm off night wakings as your job. You are equal parents who both work so you should be able to do this equally.
I would also suggest putting a full size single mattress In the babies room or wherever else it will fit so that if someone has the baby the other can sleep somewhere else.
this is only a phase - kids grow up and this won’t be an issue in a year probably. i promise it won’t last forever!

You should take the baby to get his ears checked.

You need to sit down with H and tell him he's a parent, not your helper, and that parenting is a 24 /7 role for both of you.

Then work out a schedule where you alternate nights ahead of days you both work, and you do nights ahead of days you're off.

On days you're off work after doing nights, you get to rest and recover, not dash through housework on top of sleepless nights. He can do cleaning and provide meals on those days instead of faffing on his computer.

When you're both off, divide up chores between you, and both can contribute to parenting.

Make sure you get the details all set out on a planner or you may be told the discussion never happened.

Do not try settling arrangements on an ad hoc basis, especially at 1 in the morning.