Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Wedding reception invite wording

237 replies

Itsaweddingoneagain · 03/04/2024 15:49

Hi all I’m getting married at the end of the year. Me and DP are ‘eloping’ to vegas just the two of us. I say ‘eloping’ as it isn’t a secret and we have told our families. After many tears, arguments and pushbacks from both sides of our family we’ve decided to host a wedding reception in the UK the month after we get back. Not something we really wanted to do but both of our Mothers have explicitly told us they will never speak to us again if we don’t do something over here. We knew they would be mad hence why we told them before we went and got married.

We are planning a reception of about 50 people. Again much bigger than we would like but I have 5 siblings, DP has 4. They all have partners and both of our parents are remarried. We tried to keep it small but numbers quickly added up. Anyway the reception will start at 6pm and we will arrive at around 6:15/6:20 to make the traditional entrance. We will have speeches (this was important to both sides of our family), food which will be a traditional hog roast style spread, first dance and then it will carry on into the night.

Due to the nature of it we need everyone to arrive at no later than 6. We are worried that no matter what we tell people they will hear wedding reception so will think any time from 6. If people arrive later than this it will just not flow how we need it to. I want to add a tag line at the bottom of the invite saying something along the lines of “Due to having speeches and a sit down meal planned we need all bums on seats at 6pm sharp. If you cannot commit to this time kindly please decline the invite”. My Mum has told me this is really rude. I’m worried about people strolling in at 730 in the middle of speeches!! I’ve been to wedding receptions where people have arrived hours after the initial start time- I’ve never been to a wedding reception that didn’t have an actual wedding before it and nobody we know has either.

Maybe I’m just working myself up because I can’t be arsed with the bloody thing anyway.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Iloveblink182 · 08/04/2024 12:22

brocollilover · 06/04/2024 09:46

one things for sure

this party will be a pretty joyless affair

How is this relevant to anything apart from you being horrible? I can’t see one post where OP asks our opinions on the party?

Iloveblink182 · 08/04/2024 12:20

brocollilover · 08/04/2024 10:48

I posted this thread to ask for advice on the wording of my invites, not to delve into my family dynamics

well you should not have posted such detail about all your family then

You have come across extremely poorly on this thread and I’m not sure what any of your responses are doing to offer OP help. All you have done is judge, shame and pick apart the OP posts.

With each consecutive response the OP’s situation has made much more sense to me.

brocollilover · 08/04/2024 10:48

I posted this thread to ask for advice on the wording of my invites, not to delve into my family dynamics

well you should not have posted such detail about all your family then

brocollilover · 08/04/2024 10:47

Itsaweddingoneagain · 07/04/2024 22:43

i predict dozens of mumsnet threads once / if (hopefully not) the op has children and introduces the poor kids to this shit show of a family.

What an unhelpfully rude and ignorant comment. I don’t have and will never have children. I had a total hysterectomy 18 months ago following the traumatic still birth of my daughter. So you’ll be glad to know that you’re hopefully not comment is true.

I posted this thread to ask for advice on the wording of my invites, not to delve into my family dynamics as you in particular have seemed to loved discussing throughout this thread. I posted the background for context.

For the people asking why are are going through with this there are many reasons. As I stated in previous posts my Mum is and has always been extremely emotionally abusive. My Nana moved in with her following the death of my Grandad and is poorly so housebound. If my Mum cut me off I wouldn’t see my Nana again. She also has two my teenage siblings (one with autism) living with her, so I would no longer have contact with them. There is also much more to the story, which obviously isn’t really relevant to my post.

very sorry to hear what you have endured

how did yours and his family support you during that horrific time?

Itsaweddingoneagain · 07/04/2024 22:43

brocollilover · 05/04/2024 08:17

no chance

i predict dozens of mumsnet threads once / if (hopefully not) the op has children and introduces the poor kids to this shit show of a family. On both does no less

i predict dozens of mumsnet threads once / if (hopefully not) the op has children and introduces the poor kids to this shit show of a family.

What an unhelpfully rude and ignorant comment. I don’t have and will never have children. I had a total hysterectomy 18 months ago following the traumatic still birth of my daughter. So you’ll be glad to know that you’re hopefully not comment is true.

I posted this thread to ask for advice on the wording of my invites, not to delve into my family dynamics as you in particular have seemed to loved discussing throughout this thread. I posted the background for context.

For the people asking why are are going through with this there are many reasons. As I stated in previous posts my Mum is and has always been extremely emotionally abusive. My Nana moved in with her following the death of my Grandad and is poorly so housebound. If my Mum cut me off I wouldn’t see my Nana again. She also has two my teenage siblings (one with autism) living with her, so I would no longer have contact with them. There is also much more to the story, which obviously isn’t really relevant to my post.

OP posts:
2boysMumScotland · 07/04/2024 15:43

Don't have much advice on the invite but maybe something like: starts at 5pm speeches start at 6pm then have someone on the door?

Came here to say tho I completely understand the frustration with families.

My first wedding there was so much I had to do to keep everyone happy... was told in no uncertain terms people would be very unhappy if we eloped. There was then fighting and drama.

If I do it again I would 100% elope.

whyismysoupcold · 07/04/2024 10:38

Or add explicit timings so there is no ambiguity. I think that's fine, too :)

whyismysoupcold · 07/04/2024 10:37

How about saying something along the lines of "Please arrive at 5:30pm for 6pm start"

Are your guests the kinds of people who will know what that means? I didn't when I was in my early 20s but now I do.

PeacefulSJ · 07/04/2024 10:33

Sorry someone answered my original reply with something about me not the post. It got confusing . I'm not great at technology 🙃

brocollilover · 07/04/2024 08:34

PeacefulSJ · 07/04/2024 07:41

Not a relevant statement to the thread

which?

PeacefulSJ · 07/04/2024 07:41

Not a relevant statement to the thread

Lula1000 · 07/04/2024 00:01

What a shocking way to treat both of you - you should have eloped for real! Why on earth are you letting people guilt trip you into putting on this reception?

brocollilover · 06/04/2024 09:46

one things for sure

this party will be a pretty joyless affair

SpatulaSpatula · 06/04/2024 09:17

Talk to your grandmother. Explain the situation and see if you can continue your relationship with her independently of your appalling family. Then get rid. If your gran can't continue a relationship with you if you tell the truth about your family, is she worth the sacrifice of having to see them? I basically have no family left because through therapy I've realised the value of standing up for myself and protecting my own little family from them. I'm sad about the ones I liked who I've had to sacrifice in the process, but I've never been happier. And actually, it's not even that I don't speak to my mum any more, we still have a relationship, I just hold my boundaries better and expect nothing from her apart from what I have previously observed.

It sounds like you're starting a new life and both you and your partner have eyes open about your families, so maybe look ahead and figure out what will make you happier long term. If you're planning to have children, get ready to feel a million times more aware of your family's abuse, and don't expect your parents to be different towards your own kids. Part of me wonders if you told them on purpose to sabotage your relationships with them and force the issue (you say you knew it would be a problem and that's why you told them), but now it's actually happening it's too scary to follow through.

Have courage! Some people are shit. They aren't worth keeping around just because they're family.

LouHey · 06/04/2024 08:55

You could put someone at the door to prevent the speeches being interrupted. An usher? They'll make sure anyone arriving late is shown to their seat between speeches, so there's minimal disruption.

Just plan for it, you can only make sure you plan so the event runs smoothly.

L26 · 06/04/2024 07:59

Some people add a schedule of the day to the invitations. Eg

6pm Arrival drinks
6.30pm Entrance of the Bride and Groom
7pm speeches
7.30pm hog roast
8.30pm first dance
11.30pm last orders
12am carriages

just add in something like that.

Volpini · 06/04/2024 07:29

Brotherstogether3 · 05/04/2024 21:43

I’m sorry but I totally agree with your mum. It’s not just YOUR day. She’ll have been dreaming about this since the day you were born and you’re being totally and utterly selfish. Let’s see if you have a girl how you feel when the shoes on the other foot

I have a 15 year old daughter.
i have not once dreamed about her „wedding“
She may not want to get married. I didn’t and didn’t until I was 36 and I met my husband at 26. Marriage and kids wasn’t a priority for us. We had our first child at 38 and our second at 44… we had other things to do.
My dreams for my daughter are that she finds her way through life happy, on her terms, that she can find a career that fulfils and sustains her. That she meets a life partner - if she wants one - who loves, inspires, respects and cherishes her. And I wish exactly the same for my son whose wedding day I have also not once thought about until this post, should he have one.
My own life didn’t revolve around dreams of marriage - perhaps because I grew up seeing only ugly ones - so this concept of dreaming about a daughter‘s wedding day is an alien concept to me. I didn’t have any dreams about my own until I had to get down to the brass tacks of planning it and my own family did their damnedest to ruin that and make it about them which is as I expected and probably why I never dreamed of a wedding day in the first place. I had a bumpy wedding, but a sustaining marriage which is where priorities should be.
Pivoting your entire happiness on One Perfect Day is setting everyone up for unrealistic expectations of a day where things DO go wrong and it’s over in a flash. The best day of my life (up to my wedding) was the day afterwards when I felt the utter relief of not having to plan another thing!
OP‘s family and in-laws need to reevaluate their priorities - and get some more inspiring dreams of their own instead of bullying their loved ones into doing their bidding.
x

Concannon88 · 06/04/2024 01:40

PeacefulSJ · 05/04/2024 19:28

I don't think it is rude and also find it bizarre mum's want you to do something you don't want to do.

I wholeheartedly wanted to be at my daughters dream wedding, especially as her husbands parents went.

But she couldn't have her dream wedding without me babysitting, as they wouldn't leave their children with anyone other than me .She went abroad and I saw it on video.

Yes upset in 1 way but happy her dream came true in another.

I took the kids to haven and still today many years later smile 😃. Because she did what she wanted to do. They are happy.

It isn't about us parents. It's about you.

Their dream wedding was without their kids?

BigHairyLeggedSpider · 05/04/2024 21:58

Brotherstogether3 · 05/04/2024 21:43

I’m sorry but I totally agree with your mum. It’s not just YOUR day. She’ll have been dreaming about this since the day you were born and you’re being totally and utterly selfish. Let’s see if you have a girl how you feel when the shoes on the other foot

Nope. It's her and her husbands day. No one else's. I have two daughters and I haven't been dreaming about this since the day they were born. I dream about them finding happiness, contentment and fulfilment in their lives, not necessarily marriage.

Brotherstogether3 · 05/04/2024 21:43

I’m sorry but I totally agree with your mum. It’s not just YOUR day. She’ll have been dreaming about this since the day you were born and you’re being totally and utterly selfish. Let’s see if you have a girl how you feel when the shoes on the other foot

Theendisnear92 · 05/04/2024 20:48

Have the wedding you want! don't worry about everyone else if you want a party before or after that's up to you, trying to please everyone else is not the way to start a beautiful marriage what matters is what you and your future husband wants and if his family ignored him over christmas I suggest he ignores what they want on your day ✌️

Charlotte244 · 05/04/2024 19:58

Just include your brief overview of the timings in the invite so it’s obvious that people need to arrive on time?

LemonTurtle · 05/04/2024 19:45

There's a book called "Growing Yourself Back Up" I highly recommend you and your DP read it.

I don't understand culture expectation of a wedding being for mother's. If one or both of my daughters decided to elope I would not be offended in the least. I'd tell them to have fun and take pictures. Their wedding is not for me. I would happily be included as much or as little as they wanted, as long as they were happy. I'd also happily breath fire towards anyone who wanted to strong arm them into doing something they didn't want to.

I'm sorry your mother didn't stand up for you like she should. You need to do that for yourself instead.

PeacefulSJ · 05/04/2024 19:28

I don't think it is rude and also find it bizarre mum's want you to do something you don't want to do.

I wholeheartedly wanted to be at my daughters dream wedding, especially as her husbands parents went.

But she couldn't have her dream wedding without me babysitting, as they wouldn't leave their children with anyone other than me .She went abroad and I saw it on video.

Yes upset in 1 way but happy her dream came true in another.

I took the kids to haven and still today many years later smile 😃. Because she did what she wanted to do. They are happy.

It isn't about us parents. It's about you.

Dinkydo12 · 05/04/2024 19:19

Personally I wouldn't bother with a formal WR I would go for hiring a field with burger vans pizza vans etc. Give everyone a ticket yo get a meal. Have a local band playing. No need fir speeches. Tell mothers okay don't speak yo us we will get on with our lives and your grandchildren won't k iw you. Come on this is your wedding not theirs to show off.

Swipe left for the next trending thread