To not want to go to Rome with Mil

Tell mil she is welcome to take her ds but she isn't taking yours..
Your dh is a fucking sap.
He isn't torn. He only made vows to 1 of you.

@DisforDarkChocolate so do I and have done for over 30 years. Not once in that time have I been on bloody holiday

Hi theotherfossilsister

I am confused. Last month you said you, your dp and dc all went to France to visit your mum. How did you manage to go to France? Sorry but I think it looks like you will make the effort to visit your own mother in France but not make the same effort for your dp's mother visit to Rome!

Please say that you really would love to do this holiday with all of you together but that after the trip to France being harder that you expected can we plan it for next year. You will then be able to work with your therapist on getting better. If they insist on going this year they are being very unkind to you.
I would just refuse to go and hide your sons passport.
I hope you get the help you need and wish you the best of luck.🙂

Dh wants to take his mum to Rome - great, off he goes.
Mil wants your ds there - sorry, no. We can't all have everything we want, and she doesn't get the final say as to your sons whereabouts.
You don't want to go. Don't go.
You don't want to be away from your little one for 5 nights, that's understandable. He doesn't go. That's your choice as primary caregiver.

I mean obviously your partner should tell his mum it's not happening.

If I offered to take my mum on a city break & she didn't want to without my toddler child I think I'd forget the whole thing.

Utter bollocks @Dita73 and I know this because I live with agoraphobia.

I’m sorry but if you were genuinely agoraphobic you’d be unable to get out of the front door and going on holiday wouldn’t be an option

She lost her father toughly 2 years ago.

She says it is important for MIL that DS goes.

This is not complicated.

Using mental health as an avoidance strategy is something any therapist would want you to work through.

Having living parents is a luxury. There may not be another trip.

I disagree with you. My grandparents were who I spent a lot of time with and they were teenagers in the Great Depression. Grandpa fought in WW2. They never took life for granted. They never took anyone for granted. OP is making excuses for her inconvenience instead of being there for MIL and DP. It is that simple.

Mil lost her spouse. DIL needs to go. End of.

@cremebrulait I read your posts; about the expectations of grandparents; about it being a generational thing etc; and now about MIL lost her spouse so everyone else needs to jump.

Did you read that Op lost her dad, while going through a difficult pregnancy?
Did you read that Op has a debilitating mental illness?

Not sure what generation you are, but I am 62 so in the Baby Boomer cohort. My lovely parents tried to teach me to respect all ages, and to have empathy.

My personal view is that a kind compromise would be for DP to accompany his mum on this trip. Two adults will get a lot out of free time in Rome, and I do understand that MIL is having a hard time after her loss.

Meantime, Op and her young child should stay at home, where Op can continue to get better and DS has everything he needs.

MIL lost her spouse. DIL needs to go. End of.

WTF?

OP has debilitating agoraphobia and quite literally, freezes and falls over in crowded places. Rome, a crowded place, is not somewhere she should be. End of.

Oooh go all the way to Italy and your DP says we could give him an hour in a playground each day...that's big of him,or here's an idea you go to Rome with your mum and myself and child will stay home.

How difficult
I think your route doing great to be able to go to france to visit mum, that alone must be difficult as I know how stressful flying or getting the ferry etc can be!
If your MIL makes your MH worse then it’s not worth the risk of her putting your progress back!…. I would just be saying no to going and not to DS going and not allow myself to be bullied/pressured into it… with all respect it’s tough shit on the MIL… if she’s going to insist on it being Rome and insist that everyone goes then she’s the one putting in unrealistic barriers making her holiday impossible!…. If it’s time with her son and GS she wants then she’d be just as happy with a trip to Dorset! And aim for Rome later! You need to discuss this at counselling and lay down some boundaries… MIL is being daft insisting you all go! It’s not like she doesn’t get to see you much if you’re 3 miles away!

Sorry, but getting to mum in France is SO not on a par with traipsing around a busy city with a toddler who will probably be grumpy from a flight too. DP is being naive if he thinks that he is going to manage supporting you, DS and MIL in a strange city. Encourage him to go, if you are happy to manage alone, but say NO as loudly as you can.
Yes MIL has a right to feel a little self-centred right now, but how often does she spend hours on end with DS? - She will tire of him. The Vatican is lit up at night, but tell her she will miss out on the magic if she has to lug him around after his bed-time.
He will not remember ANY of it within weeks.
Is there no other children/siblings who can go?

Ohhhh dear. You missed my point. But here's a 🎖to pin on. You seem to need one.

Maybe it's a cultural or generational thing. I have more traditional views of how to treat elders. MIL lost her spouse. DIL needs to go. End of.

Next time don't be so arrogant as to assume that because your OPINION is different than someone else commenting that they did not understand and question why they responded. Actually, go right ahead. Then we can ask you what's so horrible about your life that you needed to do that. Maybe start a new thread for that...

I don't think you should go. I think it might affect your mental health. With regards to DS, I wouldn't want him to be away from me that long either. I would say no or 2-3 nights. They don't need to go for 5 nights. I don't actually see why people say that Rome isn't appropriate for a child of this age.

"Stupid little things like this still really rankle still. It feels like mil doesn't see me as important".

No no no no no!!! These are not stupid little things!! What you have mention... Are where your "partner" needs the step up and your bloody MIL knows it! I would be going nowhere with this women!

She needs to get a grip and your husband needs to find his balls and support you!!!

No, op doesn’t need to find any kind of excuse-

“I am not going and you are not taking ds” is perfectly sufficient.

No @theotherfossilsister that isn’t selfish.

Your MIL has no need to take your son on holiday, she is behaving like a spoiled brat and your husband is enabling her.

You really need to get yourself away from the pair of them.

I think the posters saying Dp is torn are right. Mil isn't awful but she doesn't really understand mental illness very well.

Does your partner?

Otherwise he wouldn't be trying to force you to go by saying he won't go without your son.

My answer to that would be "seems as if you're not going then".

Being widowed is far worse than you can imagine but it doesn't give MiL the right to call the shots. DP is also in bereavement, which doesn't mean he ought to shirk his responsibilities to you or try to manipulate you. He and his mother can go or not, as they choose. Don't be blackmailed into ignoring your own needs.

Haven't read the whole thread @theotherfossilsister but you say you only recently got moved to the adult team, does that mean you are very young?

I don't go to the 'ltb' response, but good grief @theotherfossilsister , your DH is very trying.
You DS does not have to be your MILs entertainment or show-off piece. I am sure she is mourning the loss of her OH, but there are clear warning signs that she will be invigled into your family life before you've changed your new baby's first nappy.
He is not supporting you, and the number of times you see your mother is irrelevant here.
He has to get a grip
Best wishes, good luck