Me vs SiL - the most underwhelming of battles.

I can't do better than this.

Don't lose sleep over your DN. Yes, you'd be in a great position to hold your SIL's hand if she was functioning like a normal human being, but she's not and it's too much.

There's plenty of information and support out there for parents of children with SEN if they know where to look (as you already know), and if she's got two hands and an internet-enabled device she's more than capable of finding it all by herself.

I've been thinking about this, frankly it's a bit hard not to it's so crazy. Since you used to be fairly close I'm wondering if it's worth writing her a heartfelt letter. Something about how much you miss the way things used to be and what a great auntie she is, and how you do understand why she's upset but it's really not okay to pretend your daughter doesn't exist and please get some help so that you can be a family again.

My Pil never see his aunty and it was all to do with their Sil having a girl baby and bringing her to my DH's 6th birthday party! He's 58 now and they are all still alive and it's still awkward!

This stuff lingers if not dealt with at the start, already far too much drama from the sil.

Tell her to get fucked. This sort of self absorbed wallowing is just ridiculous and I wouldn’t do her any favours.

Nope. She's totally out of order.

Love this response.

I think the problem with "neurospicy" is when it is being used to describe someone else. It's one thing calling yourself that, but to describe someone as something other than their factual condition is a bit insulting. By all means keep calling your children that if they are fine with it, but don't use it to describe someone else.

I can't believe the people telling you how to talk! We are all neurospicy (ha!) in this household and I feel we have the right to speak about ourselves however we like. We aren't hurting anyone else. I would of course change my terms in the presence of someone who was ND if they found it upsetting. But I see it as describing unique traits really. Yes those traits can be hard to deal with but also make us who we are and can be celebrated too! X

Love it too. ‘Neurodivergent’ suggests there is a right way to be and that a person has developed a different way… but it also implies we NDs are all the same. ‘Spicy’ draws on the spectrum, the many and varied idiosyncracies - and challenges - we each experience as individuals. My 2 kids are also neurospicy, and each has their own particular flavour!

I like neurospicy.

Sums my DS up, I have described him in the past as a strange mixture!

I wanted 4 children but unfortunately I became unwell after no.2 and we couldn't have any more. I feel lucky to have my 2 but also I have never stopped feeling sad about the 2 more I thought we would have! So I do understand her feelings a little perhaps. But unless there is a reason she can't have another, I think she needs to decide whether she cares enough to try again or whether she's going to try and get past this. She may need professional help. I am neurospicy with 2 neurospicy children and having help from friends is great. But I would never put conditions on it! You are doing her a favour! I would write a little advice to your BIL and leave it at that x x

Exactly. She could have a very close aunt relationship with her DN and get to experience a lot of the wonderful aspects that she thinks she is missing from not having a DD.

Gender disappointment is hard, but generally can be moved past with time and maybe therapy. It’s sounds like she is unwilling to do this? It is no body’s fault that you got a girl and she didn’t, and it is incredibly unfair of her to treat you like she has, particularly all these months on after perhaps an initial pang. Now she wants your help on her terms- relationships are a two way street luvvy

You may need to think about a future with less contact with BIL and his family. I have an aunt and uncle who were jealous of my parents and us, their kids. They have never let it go (lots has happened, too long a story). My parents big mistake was to "rise above it" not cut contact years ago. Worst affected was my brother. If this woman wants to erase a baby girl when she could easily try for another of her own, I'd run a mile. She isn't stable and your daughter will suffer..

I LOVE the way you write @Lwrenn - reminds me of Marian Keyes actually.

I agree. The fact that as bat$%t! as she's acting you still are trying to show kindness says everything about you.

I agree that she's being ridiculously entitled and you shouldn't encourage it or accommodate it in any way.

There's no reason why it has to be her to fill in the paperwork etc - sit down with DBil to do it/ explain things.

My message would be a firm 'I have done nothing wrong. I will not be treated as if I have. I will not be emotionally blackmailed into pretending one of my children doesn't exist.'

End of.

Why do some people think the World revolves around them, honestly?

Just say no. And leave it at that.

What TeaKitten said. Your sister in law can behave in this indulgent way if she wants to but that doesn't mean that you should fall at her feet.

Help directly to your brother in law and leave her to it.

Just to add to the furore, I am ND and HATE the word neurospicy. I wouldn't dream of telling anyone else they can't use it though!

You are NBU OP, possibly to a fault. I agree with whoever said that your SIL needs to be told that her behaviour will inevitably drive a massive wedge through the family over time if she can't manage her jealousy. Your DD literally did not ask to be born and can't help existing.

Is she possibly ND herself? I only ask as I have a friend who I strongly suspect has autism, I've known her since we were 11 and while I can't say 100% I'd be surprised if she isn't. She has sons and was the same when her friend had a daughter- she really struggled and asked the friend not to share photos etca. She did come around quickly though but I think at the time she just couldn't comprehend that her feeling hurt didn't mean her friend wasn't allowed to feel pride in her daughter.

I think though that if I was you I'd stay back, send over your books etc, maybe write down some advice and leave it as that- it's not your issue to deal with, you can be empathetic without allowing her to be rude and hurtful to you and your child.

Says the poster with ‘naice’ in her name.

(haven’t read the full thread if anyone else has pointed this out).

I have an entitled, immature, selfish, middle age SIL who thinks the world revolves around her. My PIL pussy foot around her and say things like "it's what SIL wants" when we push back on unreasonable behaviour.

Over the years I have learned to say a flat NO to anything she wants. I am the only person who does this in the family. I do not give her an inch. In fact, I border on unreasonable. When it comes to my family, DH, me and my DC, she is well put in her place.

Do not indulge her at all. Tell her that she is being unreasonable, hurtful, and abusive to your DD, and that she can FUCK OFF.

OP, you sound awesome.