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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to share a room on holiday with MIL

230 replies

seeitthroughmyeyes · 02/04/2024 12:01

My LT fiancé's parents kindly paid for all of us to go to new forest this year with his three nephews, sister, her husband and his parents. The three nephews are an absolute pain, they are badly behaved, rude and irritating.

I've now been told I'm no longer going to be sharing a room with my fiancé as the three boys want to share a room with their uncle. Obviously, I'm not happy sharing a room with my MIL for 4 days, although I love her to bits. I'm a grown adult.
Both my fiancé and me have agreed we no longer want to do family holidays with them because it's exhausting and we aren't exactly a big fan of children, albeit they are family.

AIBU for not wanting to share a room with my MIL and no longer wanting to participate in family holidays with them?
If so, how do we go about telling them in the future we no longer want to join without upsetting them.

OP posts:
Daffodilsarentfluffy · 02/04/2024 13:54

Does mil usually accept you sharing a room?
Practice stamping your foot op. Seems to get the nephew's their own way...

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 02/04/2024 13:52

No way would I be going on that trip, whatever the sleeping arrangements.

shenandoahvalley · 02/04/2024 13:51

Let me get this straight: your MIL's Christmas gift to her son and future DIL was a booked and paid for "holiday", with other people, including children, at a time and place of her choosing and that works for her grandchildren? This was meant to be a gift? And now she wants you to share a room with her, and her son to share a room with 3 children, so as not to upset said children?

I've read some things on MN but this is something else. She's treating you like you're one of the nephews! Actually it's worse: she's treating you like the less-favoured grandchildren, there to make life more fun for her favoured grandchildren.

Unbelievable.

Needanewname42 · 02/04/2024 13:48

CandyLeBonBon · 02/04/2024 13:44

Am I the only one surprised that FIL is going on a family holiday in spite of him and MIL being divorced for 20 years? How bizarre!

If MIL kicks off I'd just be saying you can't get annual leave - and leave your Fiance to it if he still wants to go. Best of luck op!

Nah I know 2 ex-couples who go out to dinner with their ex.
One of the men finishes work early the day his exwife is baby sitting the DGD.

Both couples get on great just not live in the same house.

dapsnotplimsolls · 02/04/2024 13:48

What's that? Your second cousin twice-removed is having a surprise birthday party that same weekend? Oh no!

CandyLeBonBon · 02/04/2024 13:44

Am I the only one surprised that FIL is going on a family holiday in spite of him and MIL being divorced for 20 years? How bizarre!

If MIL kicks off I'd just be saying you can't get annual leave - and leave your Fiance to it if he still wants to go. Best of luck op!

Needanewname42 · 02/04/2024 13:44

Newestname002 · 02/04/2024 13:40

I suspect whatever was agreed beforehand MIL or whoever would revert to what THEY want on your arrival.

This "holiday" which was foisted on the OP and her fiancé isn't worth them giving up their precious holiday allocations. If that's a problem, it's the in laws' problem for acting so presumptively.

@seeitthroughmyeyes you and your partner should both be very firm in saying 'No thanks' to this and future similar assumptions and arrange your own vacations how you want them. 🌹

Show quote history

I'd agree with that it would all be changed again by the time you get there.

Wave them off and enjoy your leave!

AffIt · 02/04/2024 13:41

Absolutely fucking not.

We are childfree by choice and I don't particularly like children, although my nieces and nephews are decent kids and I'm fond of them.

Like hell would I spend a week of AL sharing a room with any of them, though, and I actually quite like them.

If your MIL doesn't agree to treat you and your fiancé like the adults you are and not just some kind of weird grandchild entertainment system, I wouldn't be going.

(Quite frankly, I'm astonished that you've done it three + times as it is: I would have noped out after the first instance.)

Newestname002 · 02/04/2024 13:40

TrickyD · 02/04/2024 13:10

What about
BIL and Nephews
SIL and MIL
you and DP
FIL

I suspect whatever was agreed beforehand MIL or whoever would revert to what THEY want on your arrival.

This "holiday" which was foisted on the OP and her fiancé isn't worth them giving up their precious holiday allocations. If that's a problem, it's the in laws' problem for acting so presumptively.

@seeitthroughmyeyes you and your partner should both be very firm in saying 'No thanks' to this and future similar assumptions and arrange your own vacations how you want them. 🌹

jeaux90 · 02/04/2024 13:39

And BTW I think this is a great opportunity for you to set a new standard. Your DF can go on these things if he wants but you don't.

jeaux90 · 02/04/2024 13:39

I would not be using my annual leave up for something I don't want to do.

DanielGault · 02/04/2024 13:38

If it makes you feel any better at all, I once had a situation where I ended up inadvertently booking a three person room for me, my H and my mum. mum wasn't speaking to my H at the time (whole other story). By the time I realised what happened, there wasn't another room to be had in the area. It was initially painful (train trip to a different county for a concert) but mercifully our rather comedic situation thawed the ice with my mum and we're many years down the line now with all the water gone under the bridge!

Needanewname42 · 02/04/2024 13:34

I'd also think the money is spent. And they'll pretty much fill the 4 bedrooms with 4 adults and 4 kids anyway.

Walk away guilt free!

I'm going to say this from a safe guarding point of view of your DH. If they mention at school 3 of them in one room with him, people might raise eyebrows - like why? He could be opening himself up to accusations too.

Pickles2023 · 02/04/2024 13:32

seeitthroughmyeyes · 02/04/2024 12:40

Nope. It's purely for the children, we are just invited along as we are family.

We've been on 3 previously and I've never enjoyed any of them but as it's my DP's family, he's wanted to go so I've honoured that. But now we're getting to the point where we don't want to spend 4-7 days of my annual leave with 3 children. Maybe I'm selfish?
We don't have children of our own and aren't that fond of them anyway, so it's technically our worst nightmare, I've just persevered for my DP's sake.
My MIL is also obsessed with her grandchildren. She see's three times a week and will do everything and anything for them, as lovely as it is, that certainly won't be the case when if we ever have any, I will be wanting my sweet space!

Show quote history

No not selfish, i have a child but doesn't mean i want to hang out with other kids 😂

Not every woman is an automatic mumsy lovey dovey doting kiddy carer 😂 i love my own thats enough emotion and energy exertion for a day haha

impressivelycunty · 02/04/2024 13:31

I get night terrors and can scream the place down randomly in the middle of the night. Maybe you've started getting them too OP?

Needanewname42 · 02/04/2024 13:30

Sod that, Sorry I can't make it!
And you and DH have a chilled out week at home.

4 people in one room sounds like a nightmare for DF
Meanwhile FIL Lords it up alone.
And SIL & BIL get their own space.

Ihadenough22 · 02/04/2024 13:25

I would not be going on that holiday. Your been invited to help mind those kids and then they expect you not to share a room because the kids want stay with him.
You need to tell your other half that you are not going because of this and he needs to tell his family this is not acceptable. In fact I would get out of going on this holiday as a couple.
As a couple you have to be able to make your own plans and not be expected to do what your side or his side of the family always wants.

I have seen couples who did a lot for families and what happened to them. I would advise any couple to have boundaries in place in regards to both sides of the family. I would not be hosting them every Christmas. I would also not be dropping all to help them out either as this gets harder if you have kids of your own. Then if you do this other family members will sit back and leave you to deal with elderly in law's who need care and a taxi service.

NotTram · 02/04/2024 13:16

Oh what torture! Hope you sorted it.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 02/04/2024 13:15

Shame your request for annual leave has been refused.

Original poster
seeitthroughmyeyes · 02/04/2024 13:11

Thanks for the replies all, so glad I'm not the only one who doesn't want to participate in family holidays with kids. We weren't particularly happy when we found out it had been booked prior to discussion. I don't enjoy doing kiddie holidays unless it was for the benefit of my own, and even then, I'd only go away with my own kids not other people's!

OP posts:
TrickyD · 02/04/2024 13:10

What about
BIL and Nephews
SIL and MIL
you and DP
FIL

LoobyDop · 02/04/2024 12:54

It sounds shit, OP. Declining to do shit things isn’t selfish, that’s just a word people weaponise to try and get their own way. You don’t have to be moved by it.

Purplecatshopaholic · 02/04/2024 12:50

If you put up with this and go, then you deserve all you get, lol. Not a chance in hell I would be a/ sharing a room with MIL, or indeed b/ going at all, lol!

bellezarara · 02/04/2024 12:49

Saymyname28 · 02/04/2024 12:43

What is the alternative set up? Sounds like there are 4 bedrooms, FILs, MILs, a double, and a four person room.

So where are you supposed to sleep anyway? Is MIL supposed to sleep with the boys instead?

Sounds very poorly planned.

I'm glad your fiance is firm on saying no, OP. I would also wonder why MIL doesn't want to put out her own daughter, the actual mother of the 3 nephews, but would rather inconvenience you. She could have suggested below:

Bedroom 1: FIL and BIL
Bedroom 2: MIL and SIL
Bedroom 3: Fiance and 3 nephews
Bedroom 4: OP, resplendent in her own big bed by herself

martinisforeveryone · 02/04/2024 12:48

Going forward DF needs to make his DM understand that leave from work is limited, precious and absolutely not to be arranged and booked on your behalf.