Page 8 | My aunts inheritance choices seem to have destroyed my family

Afana · 2024-04-01T12:25:57+00:00

A little context, my aunt passed away at the start of last year, her husband had passed 10 years prior, she never had children. They were well off. Massive large house worth more than 2 million and some other assets, including a holiday home etc. My DD is 24, lives in London where my aunt was and was "named after" her. She is the only girl, my brother has two boys and I have a boy, my dad was her only sibling. My aunt really treated my kids like her own grandkids but more so my daughter, she spoiled her, had her over in the holidays etc. Even got her a job! Now when my aunt passed everything was left to my daughter. This was unexpected. After inheritance tax and giving the donations to charity she had arranged. There was around 1.9 million left, the house was sold to cover the inheritance tax. My daughter used a deed of variation I believe to give £50,000 to myself, my son, my brother and my brother's two sons. £25,000 to my parents, which is all they wanted, she did offer them more. My aunt wrote a letter explaining her reasons and it was effectively she's my favourite. Now recently my daughter bought a lovely 2 bed flat worth over a million in a lovely part of London near Hyde Park. She's reduced her work to 4 days, she got rid of basically every item of clothing she owned and bought all new, has been on endless holidays. Now my son and both her cousins, not to mention myself and my brother are somewhat resentful. We aren't a rich family, we live modest lives in the midlands and everyone thinks her choice screams of greed. She's mortgage free in a flat while her cousins are still struggling to buy. Yesterday was Easter, everything was tense, my daughter ended up leaving early with her boyfriend to go home. We haven't heard from her since! AIBU to think my aunt going about everything like this has irreparably damaged our family and it will probably never be the same again. I do think my daughter was greedy and should have shared more equally!

soupfiend · 01/04/2024 19:25

spriots · 01/04/2024 19:14

I think I was reasonably clear that I was talking about when the aunt were alive, that I wouldn't have allowed the relationship to be so unequal.

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And how do you think you would have had this control?

Force the son to visit elderly aunt?

Force the aunt and daughter not ot have such a close relationship?

Such control.

BandyMcBandface · 01/04/2024 19:25

Goldfishonabike · 01/04/2024 19:16

Jeez people are weird about money. Truly, treating it like a weapon/influence, that they can wield to show their favoritism even beyond the grave. This is exactly why, if any family member ever favored me like that financially, I wouldn’t allow it and would divide it equally. Money is just money and allowing it to destroy relationships by valuing it so much and holding on to it, even at the costs of relationships, is not the right way to live. Those who say that the family who got nothing are greedy got it all the wrong way round. Of course it’s the daughter being greedy by not sharing money which she hasn’t earned and which have just come
to her by sheer luck. Those who say she “deserve” it more are treating the inheritance as a reward for the time the daughter spent with the aunt, essentially monetizing that relationship. The human race is disappointing..

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But why would anyone feel they are entitled to an inheritance just because at some point in the past they had a common ancestor?

Why wouldn’t someone leave money to the people and / or causes that they spend time with and loved when they were alive. It’s arguable that parents have obligations to their children (in most circumstances), but beyond that why should blood make any difference?

I would prefer to leave my money to the extended “family” I have chosen, not the extended family I was born into.

InterIgnis · 01/04/2024 19:25

Goldfishonabike · 01/04/2024 19:16

Jeez people are weird about money. Truly, treating it like a weapon/influence, that they can wield to show their favoritism even beyond the grave. This is exactly why, if any family member ever favored me like that financially, I wouldn’t allow it and would divide it equally. Money is just money and allowing it to destroy relationships by valuing it so much and holding on to it, even at the costs of relationships, is not the right way to live. Those who say that the family who got nothing are greedy got it all the wrong way round. Of course it’s the daughter being greedy by not sharing money which she hasn’t earned and which have just come
to her by sheer luck. Those who say she “deserve” it more are treating the inheritance as a reward for the time the daughter spent with the aunt, essentially monetizing that relationship. The human race is disappointing..

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It’s not greed to lay claim to money that was never, and isn’t, yours? 😂

She deserves it because the person whose money it was, wanted her to have it. THAT is what makes her entitled to it, and why the others have absolutely no claim on it.

If money means nothing then why are THEY prioritising their bitterness over their relationship with their sister/cousin? Or should money only mean nothing to the person that has it when others want it? That’s convenient. It’s the brother and cousins that have weaponized her money, and it’s them monetizing the relationship between them.

AlwaysGinPlease · 01/04/2024 19:24

Sunnydays0101 · 01/04/2024 17:06

And remember if your Aunt had given ALL of this money to charity, none of you would have received anything.

Your Aunt’s solicitor/executor of her Estate did well - in around 14 months, sold her holiday home, London home, etc, completed all paperwork, organised the Deed of Variance, etc. Your DD managed to find and purchase a new home, go on endless holidays and shopping sprees. All in 14 months.

Mmmm good point

Bordesleyhills · 01/04/2024 19:24

She didn’t have to give anything away-25k would give you a decent deposit in the mids- you’ve got 50 k to burn. Your daughter is in a wonderful position .

AncientBallerina · 01/04/2024 19:23

Afana · 01/04/2024 15:48

I think she will be ok I'm not worried about that at all. She has a good job. Her aunt helped her get it and she went in a little above the normal grad role so was making £50k straight out of uni and has had a pay rise since. She is sensible and I don't think she's waiting it.
It's still a bit of salt on the wound when she shows up in brand new clothes every time we see her!

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Being envious of your own daughter is such a horrible trait. My guess is that you were already envious of her. If you have a daughter this age you must be at least 45 which is far too old to be envious of anyone.
You have to put this behind you or you will lose your relationship with her which you don’t seem to care about at all.
The thread is incredibly outing BTW.

viques · 01/04/2024 19:23

BIossomtoes · 01/04/2024 17:07

There are loads of central London flats at that price. This has 999 years on the lease.

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/139685219

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That’s Holborn, Holborn isn’t Hyde Park.

mamacorn1 · 01/04/2024 19:22

My goodness, what a horrible post. Your dd gifted money to her family when she did not have to, and you are all still feeling resentful.
what awful people you are.

Goldfishonabike · 01/04/2024 19:21

kinkyredboots · 01/04/2024 19:18

Your DD is enjoying her rightful inheritance, she has shared it with the family which she did not need to, and hoped that would smooth the rocky ground. But its sounds like you are all very jealous of her - what exactly did you want her to do? Split it evenly amongst everyone against her aunt's wishes, despite the fact your DD put time and effort into her relationship with her aunt? She has spent almost £300,000 on her family.

She is doomed either way. I hope she enjoys the wealth she now has and the rest of you start been happy for her.

How is that her rightful inheritance? The only thing that makes it rightful
is one (seemingly spiteful) deceased family member’s favoritism. What’s rightful about that 😂

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 01/04/2024 19:21

dimllaishebiaith · 01/04/2024 17:57

So you named your daughter after your childless rich aunt and sent her off for weeks at a time to spend holidays with her?

Sounds like you were trying to get into her good graces and it misfired when the aunt left her money to your daughter instead of you

Now see I was trying not to say that....

DreamTheMoors · 01/04/2024 19:19

It’s HER MONEY.
It doesn’t take rocket surgery or brain science to figure that out.
Perhaps the most equitable thing you all could do with this money would be to return your portions to your daughter for “redistribution” since you are all so very unhappy with it.

I’m just wondering, though - did you manage to ever say thank you to your daughter in the first place, Mrs. Vinegar?

spriots · 01/04/2024 19:19

clairelouwho · 01/04/2024 19:17

But the OP did allow it.

That's not on the aunt. That's on the OP.

It's highly likely that the OP was happy that one of her children had an in with the wealthy, childless aunt and thought that would make her more likely to benefit in the event of her death. Hence naming her after the aunt.

Unfortunately for the OP, it backfired 😂

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I don't think we disagree here, that was exactly my point? That the OP should never have allowed the favouritism

Minus the comment about the OP's motives which I am neutral on

kinkyredboots · 01/04/2024 19:18

Your DD is enjoying her rightful inheritance, she has shared it with the family which she did not need to, and hoped that would smooth the rocky ground. But its sounds like you are all very jealous of her - what exactly did you want her to do? Split it evenly amongst everyone against her aunt's wishes, despite the fact your DD put time and effort into her relationship with her aunt? She has spent almost £300,000 on her family.

She is doomed either way. I hope she enjoys the wealth she now has and the rest of you start been happy for her.

clairelouwho · 01/04/2024 19:17

spriots · 01/04/2024 19:14

I think I was reasonably clear that I was talking about when the aunt were alive, that I wouldn't have allowed the relationship to be so unequal.

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But the OP did allow it.

That's not on the aunt. That's on the OP.

It's highly likely that the OP was happy that one of her children had an in with the wealthy, childless aunt and thought that would make her more likely to benefit in the event of her death. Hence naming her after the aunt.

Unfortunately for the OP, it backfired 😂

Lavenderflower · 01/04/2024 19:16

I don't see the problem here. Your aunt left the money to your daughter - she is not a parent therefore does not need to treat everyone equally. If you aunt wanted everyone to have an equal shared, she would have divided it equally.

Goldfishonabike · 01/04/2024 19:16

Gerwurtztraminer · 01/04/2024 16:45

So what is the point?

You asked "AIBU to think my aunt going about everything like this has irreparably damaged our family and it will probably never be the same again".

Well on that point yes you are right, it won't be the same. Where you and lots of poster differ is why. You & your family are blaming it on your daughter not sharing the money more equally (given the Great Aunt didn't). Many posters including me think if anyone has 'destroyed the family' it's because you've all been very ungrateful to your DD (and downright horrible to make nasty jokes about her so-called greed).

FWIW I'm a divorced child free aunt/great aunt and will leave my money to whoever I choose. And it won't be the siblings/niblings who have taken very little or no notice of me over many years. So if I drop dead tomorrow a couple of them will indeed receive most of it (nowhere near 1.9M but still quite a lot). Having said that the ones who won't get anything/get much almost certainly aren't expecting anything, because they know we aren't close, so I doubt there would be family squabbles.

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Jeez people are weird about money. Truly, treating it like a weapon/influence, that they can wield to show their favoritism even beyond the grave. This is exactly why, if any family member ever favored me like that financially, I wouldn’t allow it and would divide it equally. Money is just money and allowing it to destroy relationships by valuing it so much and holding on to it, even at the costs of relationships, is not the right way to live. Those who say that the family who got nothing are greedy got it all the wrong way round. Of course it’s the daughter being greedy by not sharing money which she hasn’t earned and which have just come
to her by sheer luck. Those who say she “deserve” it more are treating the inheritance as a reward for the time the daughter spent with the aunt, essentially monetizing that relationship. The human race is disappointing..

spriots · 01/04/2024 19:14

steff13 · 01/04/2024 19:06

She's dead. How are you going to stop her? It sounds like the OP was happy for her to spend time with her daughter while she was living.

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I think I was reasonably clear that I was talking about when the aunt were alive, that I wouldn't have allowed the relationship to be so unequal.

ARichtGoodDram · 01/04/2024 19:13

It’s amusing that some people are criticising the OPs DD for not objecting to the favouritism, but not saying a word about the OP allowing, encouraging even, if when it involved the op getting weeks of free childcare

If the OP was Actually bothered about the aunt favouring her DD she’d have put a stop to it when her DD and DS were children.

Not waited until it became known that she and her brother, as the closest relatives to the aunt, weren’t the beneficiaries of the will…

clairelouwho · 01/04/2024 19:11

Bbbbbbbby · 01/04/2024 18:41

@clairelouwho
The rest of the family, by the OP's own admission, were not close to the aunt. The son never bothered and wasn't interested in his aunt. The wheres and why's are irrelevant really-there was no relationship between the rest of the family-OP, her brother, the OP's DS and the cousins and the aunt

The OP says the Aunt always favoured the daughter and liked her because they had similar interests. Would you expect a child to work out that he needs to suck up to his Auntie who isn't interested in him and clearly favours his 'golden child' sister if he wanted a chance to inherit.

RTFT.

OP has stated that the aunt extended open invitations to BOTH the DD and DS and the DS was never interested.

There is zero mention of the DS attempting to build a relationship with the aunt later on when he was older, either.

She didn't favour the DD so much as they shared common interests and built a relationship around that. That is normal.

No one should be sucking up to anyone or build relationships with the sole intent of inheriting from them.

All the same, it doesn't alter the fact that the DD DID have a relationship with the aunt and thus, inherited. The aunt can and should choose who she wanted the money to go to and benefit.

Why should people inherit when they didn't have a relationship with them in the first place? DS had as much opportunity as the DD to visit his aunt. To pick up the phone (especially as he got older) and try and find common interests if he actually cared about her.

But this isn't about that, is it? This isn't about the poor little DS not being cared about or loved the same as the DD or not getting the opportunity to spend time with his dear aunt-because DD took precedence-it's about the DS not receiving money from her estate after she died.

Again-in case I haven't made it clear-you shouldn't have a relationship with anyone just to inherit from them-but you also shouldn't be shocked and hurt that the people you didn't have a relationship with didn't include you in their will.

Such is life. Don't expect to receive anything in life and you won't end up disappointed.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 01/04/2024 19:10

Afana · 01/04/2024 13:56

Yes she was closer to my aunt but this was due to shared hobbies (tennis, they went to Wimbledon together and had travelled to the other grand slams) and my daughter being geographically closer rather than her putting more effort in.

It did start when she was a child as my son never wanted to go, so we would drop DD off for a couple of weeks in the summer and my aunt would take her to her tennis club.

Well, there you go! Why wouldn’t your aunt want the person who actually liked her and wanted to spend time with her to inherit?

Your DD was generous when she (essentially) gifted you £275’000! you should appreciate that instead of being envious.

LakieLady · 01/04/2024 19:10

I can't get over the OP and her sons making comments and jokes about DD being "greedy" when she's just given them £50k apiece.

Anameisaname · 01/04/2024 19:07

I can see both sides here.
She didn't have to give you all anything but she did. But equally she could have split it fairly.
It does sound like they were close, including living together during Covid. That's quite a relationship and I'm not surprised to hear about the imbalance.

If the Aunt had left £50k to everyone but rest to your DD and she hadn't given you everything, how would you feel.then?
If DD won £1m on premium bonds and didn't share it, how would you feel?

I think DD has tried to make amends, but it has almost backfired on her because the amount is not what you expect. Is there an amount that would have felt right? Would you have expected it to be split evenly between everyone?

I get that the disparity feels very odd now but there are plenty of ways that DD could have a lot more money than the siblings. Working in Finance in London for one. I earn heaps more than my siblings and I'm generous with them, pay for dinners, host family meals etc but I don't give them money. The discrepancy is not dissimilar to the one you describe but we didn't inherit anything, it's been career choices.

Maybe work out what in particular causes the resentment you all feel

steff13 · 01/04/2024 19:06

spriots · 01/04/2024 15:03

I do agree with this too - I think it was poor form that the aunt played favourites with your children and wasn't as welcoming to your son but also that you shouldn't have allowed it to happen.

I wouldn't let anyone treat my children so differently from each other.

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She's dead. How are you going to stop her? It sounds like the OP was happy for her to spend time with her daughter while she was living.

InterIgnis · 01/04/2024 19:05

Badgerandfox227 · 01/04/2024 18:41

If I’d been in your daughter’s position I’d have split the money equally with my sibling and cousins. She’d have still had around £400k. Of course she didn’t have to, but then your son and her cousins don’t have to have much to do with her going forward. Very ill thought out by the aunt, and selfish of your daughter.

The trash doing her a favour and taking itself out? She’s got more than financial luck if that’s the case.

🥂

Kelly51 · 01/04/2024 19:04

Resentment? when she's gifted 5 family members £50k? I'd be delighted to be given that.
How much exactly do you lot think she should have given??